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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246473">I hate you; I love you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexkru/pseuds/Lexkru'>Lexkru</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan, clexa - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Also very gay bc obvi!!, Binge Drinking, Broken Clarke, Car Accidents, Cheating, Drama, Drinking, Drugs, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Everyone Needs Therapy, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Flashbacks, G!p Lexa, Hate Sex, Heartbreak, Hugs for everyone because this is angsty as fuck, I need a hug after writing this, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Jealous Clarke Griffin, Jealous Lexa (The 100), Lexa Needs a Hug (The 100), Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Multi, New York City, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parties, Private School, Rich Clarke, Rich Lexa, TRIGGERWARNING FOR DRUG USE ALCOHOL ABUSE PAST SEXUAL ASSULT ECT, Tags Are Hard, Toxic Relationships, bad girl lexa, clarke needs a hug, clexa au, gossip girl themes, highschool, popular lexa, upper eastside</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:20:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>107,878</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246473</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexkru/pseuds/Lexkru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After life changing events Lexa leaves town without warning leaving behind a confused and hurt Clarke to pick up the pieces. A year later she returns in hopes to fix what she's broken but it's not as simple as she thinks. <br/>very loosely inspired by Gossip Girl<br/>-<br/>-<br/>“Have you talked to Octavia?” I ask seeing him sigh before answering,</p><p>“We never stopped talking, but I did tell her we were coming back so that means she probably told everyone including Clar-.”</p><p>“I know.” I whisper interrupting him before he could say her name,</p><p>“She’s not going to want to see you.”</p><p>“I know, but I have to fix this.” I reply, “I have to try and make her understand.”</p><p>I knew what his silence meant; he had said enough times over the past year that just by a facial expression I know what he thinks. That I should’ve made her understand a year ago, I should’ve stayed and explained myself and explained everything, but I didn’t I ran and even if it wasn’t from her, I know that’s what she thinks. But I’m going to fix it, I have too.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin &amp; Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>314</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>523</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Welcome Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>G!p Lexa just so you know.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>  </em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p><strong><em>It</em> </strong> <strong> <em> turns out everywhere you go you take yourself, that's not a lie.</em> </strong></p><p>
  <strong> <em>-Lana del Rey, Fuck it I love you</em> </strong>
</p><hr/><p>My whole life I’ve never been the type of person to face my problems head on, I always run, and I always make excuses I simply just choose not to deal with it, but eventually i had to decide that is not the kind of person i want to be anymore.</p><p>I guess before I get into my sob story, I should introduce myself, my name is Lexa Fox and I’m seventeen years old. Up until this point my life has been ok, on paper it might even seem perfect, I pretty much check off every tick on the rich girl who grew up in a posh town.</p><p>-Rich parents, <strike>check</strike></p><p>-Popular girl at school, <strike>check</strike></p><p>-Home life that seems perfect on the outside but isn’t, <strike>check check</strike></p><p>-Amazing girlfriend I don’t deserve, <strike>check</strike></p><p>But nothing last forever and things can change in an instant, and until it happened to me, I didn’t realize just how quickly so much can be taken from you in a split second. One decision, one event can alter the course of how you assumed your life will play out.</p><p>I can promise you this isn’t an exaggeration when I say my life is ruined forever and I did what I always seem to do, I ran. But I quickly figured out that everywhere you go, you take yourself so in the end running was pointless because I would always be there. The person I hate most would always be with me, so I allowed myself to spiral and decline and then one day something happen that made me realize since running isn’t an option I’ll see if change is.</p><p>That’s what brings me here, back in my town back in the place my life changed forever, back where my biggest mistakes I ever made led to my own downfall and then my departure from my home.</p><p>I sat in the car silently as we passed all the shops and the buildings and schools and nothing had changed, it was still like I remembered. I couldn’t help but feel my heart ache at the familiarity, the day I left I promised myself I would never come back and feeling how hard it is to breath the air I started to think I should’ve kept that promise. But the warm feeling of someone’s hand brings me back and that’s all the reassurance I need.</p><p>“You good?”</p><p>“Yeah.” I nod and smile, one of the biggest reasons I’m strong enough to even cross the town line is because of my rock. Since I could remember my big brother Lincoln to be fair, he’s only ten minutes older but he fits the big brother role well, he never lets me face anything alone even when I push him away and when I left, he followed me. As annoyed as I was, he wouldn’t leave, he refused even though he was leaving behind so much. “How do you feel?”</p><p>“Good too.” He shrugged, every time I looked at him, I can’t help but feel this guilt.</p><p>“I’m sorry-.”</p><p>“Don’t Lexa, you’re my sister and I love you. You come first always, and I don’t regret leaving with you, you needed me even if you didn’t want me there at first you needed me.”</p><p>“Have you talked to Octavia?” I ask seeing him sigh before answering,</p><p>“We never stopped talking, but I did tell her we were coming back so that means she probably told everyone including Clar-.”</p><p>“I know.” I whisper interrupting him before he could say her name,</p><p>“She’s not going to want to see you.”</p><p>“I know, but I have to fix this.” I reply, “I have to try and make her understand.”</p><p>I knew what his silence meant; he had said enough times over the past year that just by a facial expression I know what he thinks. That I should’ve made her understand a year ago, I should’ve stayed and explained myself and explained everything, but I didn’t I ran and even if it wasn’t from her, I know that’s what she thinks. But I’m going to fix it, I have too.</p><p>When we pulled up to the <a href="https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/11-E-68th-St-PENTHOUSE-W-New-York-NY-10065/2077162095_zpid/">apartment complex</a>, I couldn’t help but smile, if there was one thing, I loved about New York it was the architecture. A simple building can be so beautiful on the right street with right skyline and her home had all those things.</p><p>“Home sweet home.” I said smiling to myself,</p><p>“I’ll have your bags brought up to you.” The driver said,</p><p>“Thank you, Mr. Harris.” I smiled,</p><p>The elevator ride was silent which I was happy for and when we reached the top floor I was immediately hit with a familiar smell; one I can only describe as home. Everything was the same, the huge floor to ceiling windows and the open layout that I loved. This place was perfect, and it was all theirs.</p><p>My parents chose to continue traveling claiming there was no point in going back but they no problem with Lincoln and I coming which I took as a win. Even if they were here, they wouldn’t be present so there really wasn’t any point. There would be one person joining us though which is exciting.</p><p>“I’m going to unpack.” Lincoln said and I nodded heading to my own room.</p><p>Like everything it was exactly the same, amazing view of my favorite city, open space with a huge bed and artwork still hung all over the walls. I stopped in front of my favorite one trying to control the serge of guilt and heartbreak, but it wasn’t possible. The painting was of a blonde and a brunette kissing at a dance with the words ‘to more amazing nights together, forever.’</p><p>The memory hit me like a ton of bricks and the same words kept replaying in my mind over and over.</p><p>
  <em>‘I’m in this forever baby.’</em>
</p><p>“You are so lucky you have an amazing apartment, or I’d be halfway back to California right now.”</p><p>Thoughts of anguish gone instantly, I turn around smiling at the source of the voice, <em>Anya</em>.</p><p>“Lucky me indeed.” I smile wrapping my arms around the girl, “I do appreciate you coming.”</p><p>“When my baby cousin calls, I come.’ She smiled, “Show me my room.”</p><p>Since there were no parentals and 4 other empty rooms in the complex Anya got her pick and of course picked the biggest as ‘compensation’ for moving across the world her senior year. Anya, Lincoln and I pretty much grew up together with the exception of living in different states. My parents pretty much always stayed in New York so that’s where we grew up, smack dab in the middle of the upper east side. Anya on the other hand lived in California with her parents aka my uncle Nyko and his wife Indra better known as the real parents to me and Lincoln. Don’t get me wrong our parents tried their best but neither of them has any maternal/paternal instincts. We know they love us they just have their way of showing it which took time to get used to where Nyko and Indra have no problem showing affection which was nice to have. And during my dire need to escape they provided me a home and up until a day ago I had been living with them.</p><p>My parents didn’t mind since they were traveling and haven’t stopped traveling, according to the itinerary they should be somewhere in Europe.</p><p>“You could’ve stayed home you know.” I comment watching the girl unpack her clothes,</p><p>“And leave you all alone, no way.”</p><p>“Lincolns here.”</p><p>“Still.”</p><p>“We both know you’re just here to keep an eye on me, but I’m really fine.” I sighed slumping back on the bed,</p><p>“You keep saying that.” Anya said, “And maybe you are but I know what being back means for you and I want to be here to help is that so bad?”</p><p>“No, but you keep complaining.”</p><p>“You know complaining is like a personality trait for me.” She said seriously before going back to her clothes, “Anyways let’s talk about something lighter like back to school.”</p><p>“That’s lighter?” Back to school is what I’ve been dreading, seeing everyone again and being back in that awful school uniform.</p><p>“Well, I’m excited.” Anya smirked, “Being the illusive new girl that no one knows, that’s some movie shit and I need that drama and excitement in my life.”</p><p>“Well private schools bring all the excitement.”</p><p>“Oh yeah, I forgot uniforms.” She sighed, “But I can accessorize?”</p><p>“As much as your heart desires.” I smile, Anya was a fashion whore it reminded her of someone else she knew, “Headbands, scarfs, knee highs the full shebang.”</p><p>“That’s a relief, how are the skirts?”</p><p>“I don’t where mine too often, but they look pretty good on the others.” I smirked,</p><p> “Good to know, how about a shopping trip?”</p><p>“Fine.” I groan, “But no longer than two hours.”</p><p>“Ugh fine.”</p><p>An hour later and here we were visiting literally every store on the upper east side, Bloomingdales, Barneys, Ralph Lauren but finally at the fiftieth store I decided to escape to the bookstore on the corner.</p><p>Anya was impossible to shop with but luckily New York offered many escapes books stores being my favorite. I’m not ashamed to say I love romance novels; I’m not talking old boring people romance I’m talking full blown teen drama YA novels. They make me smile and are a good distraction from real life.</p><p>I combed through the new releases pretty quick only seeing a few I wanted so I stood in line to pay. I didn’t realize it but just breathing the NY city air made the world of difference.</p><p>“Lexa Fox?”</p><p>I turn around hearing my name only to be greeted with none other than Luna fucking Atwater aka my self-proclaimed rival. We’ve never got along and if you let Luna tell it she’d say it was because she was considered lower class and lived in Brooklyn but that was not the case. I don’t make decisions on people based on money I do it based on actions and personality and fyi I quite like Brooklyn.</p><p>“Luna, what a joy it is seeing you here.” Faking a conversation was pointless, we have a mutual dislike for each other there was no hiding it.</p><p>“I didn’t know you were back.” She smiled,</p><p>“Just landed.”</p><p>“That’s great does Clarke know? She hadn’t mentioned it?”</p><p>“I didn’t know you and Clarke mentioned things to each other.” My hand was cramping up by how hard I was clenching the books I was holding, but I didn’t care, why was Luna Atwater talking to <em>my gir</em>- talking to Clarke.</p><p>“Well yeah silly, since we started dating, we talk about a lot.” She smiled clearly getting the reaction she wanted from, “Anyways I wish we could catch up but I’m actually on my way to meet her right now, I’m sure I’ll see you at school.”</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em>Dating? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em>Luna fucking Atwater and my Clarke are dating? </em> </span>
</p><p>There’s no fucking way, there is no way because Clarke barley knew her, and they definitely weren’t friends. Well, they weren’t a year ago before I left and now, I’m back they’re fucking dating? The world must be ending, that’s the only possible explanation.</p><p>I threw my books down in a hurry desperately gasping for fresh air, and to my surprise the sky wasn’t falling. There were no alien attacks or zombie apocalypse or toxins filling the air to cause me delusions this shit was real, this was actually fucking happening.</p><p>In a daze I found myself back at Gucci where I left Anya thirty minutes before hand, knowing her she would still be here staring at the same two scarfs trying to figure out which made her eyes ‘pop’ the most. But I have no time for silly questions like that right now I need to get home and evaluate everything. School didn’t start for a few more days I could still easily escape back to Cali because this might’ve been the worst idea of my life. Thinking I could coma back and everything would be the same was foolish, staying gone was my best hope.</p><p>Two minutes in my spiral I’ve decided, I’m going back to California now I just need to find teenage shopaholic so we can flee quickly. Lincoln will stay, he deserves to be happy and New York is the place for him to do that I just need to convince him I’m fine. Which I so am!</p><p> ‘Finally,’ I muttered to myself spotting my cousin by the shoes talking to someone with dark hair that I couldn’t see.</p><p>“What do think, stiletto or block?” Anya asked the mysterious brunette,</p><p>“For you definitely stiletto.” She answered and Lexa instantly recognized that voice,</p><p>“Raven?” I asked causing Anya to move and for me to get a view of the beautiful snarky brunette that was my best friend.</p><p>“Lexi!” she cheered running to the girl as quick as she could with her straining brace on her right leg, “I missed you so much.”</p><p>“I missed you too.” I whispered sinking into her arms, “I’m so sor-.”</p><p>“Don’t.” she interrupted, “I know.”</p><p>I wanted to say more, I wanted to explain I needed to, and I would but being in my best friends arms again after a year was exactly what I needed.</p><p>“I see you’ve met my cousin.” I said pulling back from her arms,</p><p>“I knew you looked familiar.” Raven smirked at the girl, “I’ve only seen you in pictures, but they definitely don’t do you justice.”</p><p>“Well, I’m sad to say I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing any pictures of you, if I did, I would definitely remember.” The blonde smirked back,</p><p>“Right.” I say trying to stop whatever was happening, “Ravens my oldest friend I’ve told you about her many times An, anyways are you done shopping?”</p><p>“Just need to pay.” She held up her items for before walking off to the counter but not before throwing Raven a wink, </p><p>“She’s hot.” Raven said, “Like supermodel, Victoria Secret hot.”</p><p>“Yes, well she sort of is a model.” I replied, “Well back in California she was I don’t know if she’ll do anything here.”</p><p>“So, you’re staying?” Raven asked hopeful,</p><p>“I came back with all the intentions of staying but the longer I’m here the more reasons I find to leave.” I say with a long sigh,</p><p>“She wouldn’t want this you know.” The brunette whispered, her words sitting on me like a ton of bricks</p><p>“I don’t- I can’t talk about her.”</p><p>“I understand, does Clarke know you’re here?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” I answered, thankful for the subject change but wishing it was about something else, “I just saw Luna Atwater though.”</p><p>“Oh.” Raven said drawing it out a bit, “So she told you.”</p><p>“They seriously date?” I ask hoping I heard wrong,</p><p>“Me and Clarke don’t talk much anymore but from the looks of it yeah.”</p><p>“What do you mean you and Clarke don’t talk?” I ask, that’s strange her and Clarke were close almost as close as them so for the two not to be talking it much be serious.</p><p>“We just…. Grew apart I guess.”</p><p>“I don’t believe you.”</p><p>“Well, you can’t disappear for a year and come back demanding answers so drop it.” Raven warned and I knew better than to push.</p><p>“Ready?” Anya asks with a million bags in her hand,</p><p>“Yes, thank god.” I sighed, “Raven come back with us, I want to talk and drink.”</p><p>“Lexa.” Anya glared,</p><p>“One drink and spend time with my best friend.”</p><p><br/>“I can do that.” Raven smiled following them out of the store.</p><p>The driver was around the corner, so we walked in strides me mostly needing to get off the New York streets in fear of seeing other people I didn’t want to see. Luna was enough and seeing anyone else just might send me over the edge, I needed to prepare. I had a whole weekend for me to mentally prepare myself for seeing everyone.</p><p>“Wait.” Anya said abruptly dragging me from my thoughts, “I see another store I want to go to.”</p><p>“Really Anya?” I groaned looking at the girl,</p><p>“Yes, but we need to go now because- well sales and shit.” She said trying to push me across the street,</p><p>“You know I love sales Lexi we totally should check out that store.” Raven agreed grabbing my hand,</p><p>“Can you both calm down.” I yell prying my hands from each of them, sales didn’t do this to anyone not even Anya. Something was up and as soon as I looked up, I saw what.</p><p>Three figures walking their way one being the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, a person I hurt. The person I’m back for and when her blue eyes meet mine, I knew it was the right choice coming back. I needed to fix what I broke; I needed her back.</p><p>“Hi, Clarke.”</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="http://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My tumblr🤍</a>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Welcome to my newest story this idea wouldn't leave my head!<br/>HERE'S WHAT YOUR IN FOR FOR THE NEXT HOWEVER MANY CHAPTERS!<br/>-DRAMA<br/>-PRIVATE SCHOOL PREPPY SETTING<br/>-CLEXA ISSUES<br/>-HEARTBREAK<br/>-SCANDALS<br/>-CLARKE BEING A BAD BITCH<br/>-BUT ALSO LEXA BEING RESIDENT BAD GIRL OF THE UPPER EASTSIDE<br/>-DID I MENTION DRAMA?<br/>-SO MUCH MORE THAT I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!</p><p> </p><p>also the next chapter is Clarkes perspective then it will switch back to third person because that's easiest for me! Thanks for reading let me know what you think so far!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Don't ask if I'm Happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for the perspective change from here on there won't be anymore first person</p><p>also i decided to name Lexa Alexena i was tired of Alexandria and (dra) you learn why she chose to go by Lexa soon , it's not a big mystery but yeah!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong><em>Don't ask if i'm happy, you know that i'm not but at best i can say i'm not sad.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>-Lana del rey, Hope is a dangerous thing for a Woman like me to have </em> </strong>
</p><hr/><p>For the past year I have woken up every day with the same three feelings, first is dread. When you’re asleep you get to forget everything and then there’s a moment right after you wake up that everything is ok. You forget that sad or that everything in your life isn’t perfect then it comes crashing down and you’re left with nothing but dread.</p><p>Next is heartbreak, everyday for the past year I’ve felt whatever carcass that should be my heart break more and more and I can’t stop it. I let the person who claimed to love me the most turn me into something unrecognizable. I let her break my heart and though I shouldn’t I know I’d let her break it again.</p><p>Lastly is anger, because when the dread and the heartbreak past I’m left with nothing but burning rage and indescribable anger. I’m angry because I don’t feel like myself, I don’t look like myself, everything I do feels wrong and that makes me angry because I let this person do that to me. I let her break me.</p><p>But as the year went on those three feelings started to fade, not completely but enough for me to start living my life. Enough for me to stop calling a number that wouldn’t answer, enough for me to stop waiting for someone who wasn’t coming back. Enough for me to try and let go, even when I know it’s not possible.</p><p>So now a year later as I stand in my posh New York city penthouse with way more clothes than I’ll ever need and money coming out of my ears I can honestly say this is the first morning I have woken up not instantly thinking of Alexena Fox and it feels amazing. My mind isn’t drifting to what she could be doing right now or if she read any of my messages, nope not today.</p><p>Today would be a good day, I’ll meet Octavia and Luna for coffee, and we’ll do some shopping, and it will be amazing.</p><p>Manifestation. <strike>Check.</strike></p><p>I took my time getting ready, curling my hair to perfection and of course picking the perfect outfit. Today it’s a beautiful tweed mini skirt and a white cami to show off my tan from the Hamptons.</p><p>After grabbing my bag, I started to head for the elevator hoping to miss my mom on the way out.</p><p>“Clarke.”</p><p>‘Fuck.’ I murmur, my hand hovering over the elevator button,</p><p>“Yes?” I ask turning around to meet the cold dark beast that is my mother,</p><p>“Where are you going?” Abby asks, drink in hand,</p><p>“Out.”</p><p>“Hopefully not with the Atwater girl.” Abby said with a hint of disgust,</p><p>“Wouldn’t matter if I was.” I said rolling my eyes before pressing the button, this was not a talk I needed to hear again.</p><p>“I guess a poor girl is better than the freak you used to have around.”</p><p>“DON’T call her that.” I yelled turning to face the smirking woman, she knew how to piss me off and the fact that she was my mother never stopped her from doing it, “Don’t even mention her.”</p><p>“You’re very protective over someone who left you.”</p><p>“Yeah, well people leave you all the time.” I say stepping onto the elevator, “Maybe it’s the drinking, or the fact that you’re an insufferable bitch.” I smile watching the elevator doors shut,</p><p>This was my life, a mother who I practically hate, and a love life that almost ruined me. It wasn’t always this way but that’s life, people leave you and the mess is all yours to clean up.</p><p>“Where to Ms. Griffin?” the driver asks opening the door,</p><p>“Floukru café please.”</p><hr/><p>Of course, I’m the first to arrive, Octavia a few minutes away and Luna leaving the bookstore around the corner. I order my coffee and grab a table to wait mindlessly scrolling through my phone. After being on Instagram for far too long I get a notification from Facebook saying I have memories to look back on. My mind told me not to open it, but my heart was desperately clinging to what I know I’ll find. I couldn’t resist I needed to know, so like a dumbass I clicked and instantly regretted it when a photo from two years before appeared.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">AUGUST 2018- END OF SUMMER BEFORE SOPHMORE YEAR</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>“Ok so what do we think about Ontari’s annual end of summer party?” Octavia asks the group who were all sitting around the pool of the Blakes estate.</p><p>“Obviously, we’re not going.” Raven replied sipping her drink before looking over to Lexa who was pretending not to care about the conversation.</p><p>“The parties are always lame.” Clarke added,</p><p>“I agree,” Costia said, “It the same every year, we can throw our own damn party.”</p><p>“Guys we can go it’s not a big deal.” Lexa said finally addressing the others, “It’s always fun you don’t have to lie for my benefit.”</p><p>“Fun or not that bitch doesn’t deserve our presence.” Clarke smiled looking into green eyes,</p><p>“How about we hang here instead?” Raven suggested, “Full blown girls’ night, I’m talking movies, hair braiding, gossip and Lexi’s favorite face masks!”</p><p>“Oh, I have the green one’s.” Octavia added clapping her hands,</p><p>“Great.” Lexa smiled, trying to sound excited she hated face masks and they knew it but for her friends she’s do just about anything.</p><p>“A night in sounds fun.”</p><p>The group went back to chatting mostly about nothing and for the most part Lexa checked out which a certain blonde noticed. So, when it got dark and everyone changed into their pajamas Clarke decided to talk to the brunette.</p><p>“Hey.” She smiled leaning against the door frame watching the beautiful goddess in front of her brush out her long dark waves,</p><p>“Hey beautiful.” Lexa replied as she tried to brush through an especially hard tangle,</p><p>“You ok?” Clarke asks taking the brush from the girl before she ripped her hair out, she softly ran her fingers through the waves sneaking glances at the girl through the mirror,</p><p>“I am.” Lexa nodded, closing her eyes and enjoying Clarkes touch.</p><p>“Just so you know, my offer to beat Ontari’s ass is still open.” Clarke said and Lexa laughed, “I’d do it in a heartbeat.”</p><p>“I know you would but I’m fine I promise, we broke up months ago, I’m over it.” Lexa said honestly, her and Ontari’s relationship started out amazing but as time went on they both became bad for each other.</p><p>“Well, I’m glad.” Clarke whispered circling the girl until she was face to face with big green eyes. Her and Lexa have been best friends since they were young and out of everyone in the group, they were the closest. They did everything together and when Lexa was struggling with her identity Clarke helped her come to terms with that.</p><p>They loved each other and in middle school they both realized maybe that love was more than in a friendly way. It started small with glances and compliments until one day Clarke confessed her feelings and Lexa did the same. For hours they talked but in the end both of them were scared.</p><p>Scared to lose their friendship and bond because if they dated and something went wrong nothing would ever be the same. So, they both tried to do what they thought was right and that was move on. They chose their friendship over their feelings and for years that’s how it was.</p><p>High school made things harder, Lexa gained a lot of attention because of her looks. She was stunning, her body was perfect, her hair long any curly and those green eyes were enough for any girl to fall in love with. Everyone wanted a shot with Lexa Fox and Clarke wanted to crawl in a hole and die. For years she had to watch girls throw themselves at Lexa and one day one stuck.</p><p>Clarke was never a fan of Ontari, she was a bitch who felt she could do whatever she wants because her parents were one of the most powerful families in New York. She never understood what Lexa saw in her but when they ended things the blonde couldn’t have been happier.</p><p>“She didn’t deserve you.” Clarke said her eyes flicking to plump lips then back to green. She jumped up on the bathroom counter, so they were at eye level but neither said a word. Without thinking she wrapped her arms around the girl’s neck pulling her closer, so their foreheads were resting on each other’s,</p><p>“Clarke.” Lexa sighed leaning into the blonde’s touch,</p><p>“I know.” She replied not needing to hear a rejection, “Tell me you don’t feel it.”</p><p>“You know I do.” Lexa said quickly pulling her closer, “But you deserve better than me too.” Lexa said finally meeting the girl’s eyes,</p><p>“Shouldn’t that be my choice?” Clarke asks raising her hand to the girl’s cheek, “I’ve had to see you with countless girls I think it’s my turn with the elusive Alexena Fox.”</p><p>“Stop.” Lexa laughed nudging her, she hated being called by her full name and the blonde knew it. “We both know those girls don’t come close to you.”</p><p>Clarke nodded; it was unspoken but they knew even if there were other people in the end it would always be them, but Clarke didn’t want an unspoken promise. She wanted the real thing, she wanted Lexa.</p><p>“I’m serious though Lex.” Clarke finally said, “Maybe in eighth grade it seemed like a good idea to bury our feelings for the sake of our friendship, but I can’t anymore. I can’t see you with girls who treat you like shit and use you, not when we both want this.”</p><p>“And you’re willing to risk everything on our feelings?” Lexa asked trying to find some source of doubt in blue eyes but there was none,</p><p>“Aren’t you?”</p><p>“I’m scared Clarke.” She whispered burying her head in the blonde’s neck, “I can’t lose you.”</p><p>“You can never lose me.” Clarke could feel the warmth leave her neck and Lexa slowly lifted herself so their eyes could meet. This was a road they couldn’t come back from, but Clarke didn’t care because seeing the vulnerability in Lexa’s eyes and feeling her hands wrapped tightly around her waist. She was finally brave enough to admit to herself that she was in love with Lexa Fox.</p><p>“Promise me.” Lexa said hovering over the girl’s lips,</p><p>“I-.”</p><p>“There you guys are!”</p><p>Both girls pulled back seeing Costia walk towards them,</p><p>“Octavia wants to start the movie.” Costia said looking between the girls,</p><p>“Ok.” Clarke smiled, jumping off the counter trying not to look too annoyed because she knew the girl probably interrupted on purpose. “I’m braiding Lexa’s hair and we’ll be right down.”</p><p>“I can help if you want.” Costia offered,</p><p>“I got it.” Clarke replied watching the girl nod before walking away, “Her crush on you is so obvious.”</p><p>“She does not have a crush on me.” Lexa laughed; their friend group has been together for years if Costia liked her she would know. They were best friends and only best friends.</p><p>“Whatever you say.” Clarke smirked,</p><p>They returned downstairs with the promise of talking once they went home in the morning, but Clarke scored a spot next to the girl where they got to cuddle up majority of the night which she was ecstatic about.</p><p>“Guys let’s take selfie.” Raven shouted pulling out her phone, turning the front facing camera on. Everyone scrunched together to fit in the frame, “Say cheese!”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">PRESENT</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>“Clarke?”</p><p>Clarke looked up seeing a confused Octavia staring her down,</p><p>“You ok?” she asks taking the seat across from the blonde,</p><p>“Yeah, I just- uhm my mom stop me before coming here kinda ruined my mood.” She answered clicking off the photo and locking her phone,</p><p>“Damn, I hate you have to deal with her,”</p><p>“The life of Clarke Griffin.” She shrugged eager to change the subject, “What’s up with you?”</p><p>“Nothing, said bye to Bell at the airport so that’s why I was late.”</p><p>“Is he going back to Paris?”</p><p>“I’m not really sure you know Bell, he loves to move around,”</p><p>“True.” She smiled sipping her coffee,</p><p>“So, there is something I wanted to tell you.” Octavia said nervously,</p><p>“Hey guys sorry I’m late.” Luna said joining the girls at the table,</p><p>“It’s ok, O what were you saying?” Clarke asked,</p><p>“If you wanted to come home with me after shopping.” Octavia replied, she needed to tell her Lexa was back, but she wanted to do it in private.</p><p>“Sure, should we actually go shopping now?”</p><p>“Shopping with socialites, my dream.” Luna smirked following the pair out the door,</p><p>“You love us.” Clarke smiled nudging the girl, “Where to first?”</p><p>“Can we go to the bookstore?” Luna asks knowingly hoping a certain someone was still there. Neither girl had any objections, so they headed that direction.</p><p>A few minutes in and Clarke felt a hand intertwine with hers, she knew it was Luna, but she almost wanted to pull away. It wasn’t because anything was wrong with the girl, she just wasn’t used to this type of thing. For the past year Luna had been a good friend despite them not really knowing each other much beforehand. She helped Clarke through a lot so when the girl asked er on a date she agreed but made it clear she needed to go slow. A relationship wasn’t something she needed, and Luna understood so they were taking things slow. On occasion they held hands or kissed lightly but nothing past that. If Clarke was being perfectly honest, she wasn’t sure if she even liked Luna, she was a good friend but beyond that she wasn’t sure there was anything.</p><p>“Shit.” Octavia whispered causing Clarke to look at the panicked,</p><p>“What?” Clarke asked following her eyes until they landed on the last person, she ever thought she would see.</p><p>Green met blue and immediately Clarke felt the tiny shards left of her heart completely shatter.</p><p>
  <em>Why now, why when she was finally ok did, she decided to come back. </em>
</p><p>“Hi Clarke.” Lexa smiled, and Clarke could feel tears begging to escape her eyes but there was no way in hell she would let that happen.  </p><p>“Alexena.” She replied, ignoring the hurt look on the brunette’s face her eyes instead flicking to Raven who was standing with a mysterious blonde that she recognized as Lexa’s cousin. They had never met but she seen pictures, she was stunning, but nothing compared to the green-eyed girl in front of her.</p><p>“It’s good to see you.” Lexa said shaking off her last reply, “I wanted to call.”</p><p>“I’m glad you didn’t.” Clarke said, “We have to go.”</p><p>“Wait.” Lex grabbed her hand ignoring Luna all together, “Can we talk, maybe meet somewhere?”</p><p>Clarke didn’t know what to do, feeling Lexa’s hand in hers after so long was a feeling she hated herself for loving. As much as she wanted to talk to her, she wanted to demand answers, but she has tried so hard to get over the pain Lexa caused her. And now she was here wanting to explain but it’s too late.</p><p>“No.” she ripped her hand free before walking away, not giving Lexa another glance.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So excited that people are already liking the story thank you for reading i have a lot planned,</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Never have I ever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The group plays a drinking game</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for mistakes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em><strong>It hurts to love you, but i still love you it's just the way i feel.</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>-Lana del rey, 13 beaches</strong> </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“Tell me about California.” Raven said watching Lexa pour herself another drink, the whole way back to the apartment it was silent and now they were all sitting and watching Lexa drink a bottle of what looked like scotch.</p><p>“Don’t remember much.” Lexa answered,</p><p>“Right.” Raven said taking the bottle and the cup from the girl, “Tell me what you do remember then.”</p><p>“There was the time she got drunk on the beach and on the jet.” Anya said, “And the boat, and at the white party where she made out with some CW star of a show I’m pretty sure got cancelled.”</p><p>“Any sober memories?” Raven asked getting looks from Anya and Lexa, “What the hell Lexa, you said you were trying.”</p><p>“I was, it just took a while.”</p><p>“She cleaned her act up towards the end.” Anya added, “That’s all that matters, and I’ll be damned if you think I came here to let you fall off again.”</p><p>“I’m fine.” Lexa said glancing at the full bottles that decorated their bar, thinking about her exchange with the blonde and hour ago. “She called me Alexena, she knows I hate that, and did you see fuckin Luna? What the fuck is that?”</p><p>“You can’t expect everything to be how you left it Lexa.” Anya replied, “You left without explanation she has a right to be upset.”</p><p>“When you left Clarke wasn’t good.” Raven said, “She was horrible, and I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s not going to be easy getting her to forgive you.”</p><p>“I know.” Seeing her was the hard part but she wasn’t giving up,</p><p>“You’re here now.” Raven smiled, “and I for one am excited, I missed my best friend.”</p><p>“I missed you too Rae.” She smiled, “Tell me what I missed, are you still with Finn?”</p><p>“Hell no!” she cringed, “We broke up last year.”</p><p>“Good to know.” Anya smirked,</p><p>“Surly miss super model has a girlfriend or boyfriend.” Raven said to the blonde,</p><p>“I might have my eye on someone.”</p><p>Lexa watched the exchange with a grimace, the last thing she needed was to witness her cousin and best friend eye violating each other and flirting nonstop.</p><p>“Please seduce each other when I’m not around.” The brunette begged,</p><p>“Dramatic.” Anya rolled her eyes, “Ok, we’re in New York and school doesn’t start until Monday so what are we going to do?”</p><p>“What do you want to do?” Lexa asked,</p><p>“I don’t know.” She shrugged turning to Raven, “Any good parties?”</p><p>“Only one.” She answered giving Lexa a look,</p><p>“Let me guess, Ontari Kween?” Lexa asked already knowing the answer.</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>“Your evil ex?” Anya asks, and the brunette nodded,</p><p>“Her annual end of the summer party is tomorrow night.” Raven added,</p><p>“Were you going to go?” Lexa asked Raven,</p><p>“Emori and Murph were thinking about going, asked me if I wanted to tag.” She shrugged, “We could do something else though.”</p><p>“No, we should go.” Lexa said, admittedly not the best idea but oh well.</p><p>“Lex, we really don’t have to.”</p><p>“Everyone will be there, and I’d rather see them in a social setting than have them all stare at me at school Monday.”</p><p>“Only if you’re sure.” Raven pressed,</p><p>“I am, it’ll be fun.” Lexa smiled, wishing her words to be true but with Ontari you never know.</p><p>“My New York debut!” Anya squealed, “I need to pick out an outfit.” She was halfway to her room before Raven or Lexa could reply,</p><p>“She did hear me say tomorrow right?” Raven asked,</p><p>“Knowing Anya, it still won’t be enough time.” Lexa smiled, “So you and O don’t talk either?”</p><p>“We do.” She nodded, “But mostly she’s with Clarke and I’m with the others.”</p><p>“I hate the divide.” Lexa mumbled, “I’m sorry if it’s my fault.”</p><p>“It’s fine Lexa, we all made our choices after what happened not just you.” Raven said sighing, “What happened that night was the catalyst for more than just you leaving, and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you don’t carry that weight around forever Lex. It wasn’t-.”</p><p>“You’re right I don’t want to talk about it.” Lexa interrupted, “I can’t.”</p><p> Raven nodded; she knew it was hard it was hard for all of them but tonight she would just enjoy her best friend being back instead of sludging up the pain of the past.</p><p>“Let’s watch a movie.” Raven suggested, “I’m thinking face masks.”</p><p>“Lucky me we don’t have any of those dreadful things here.” Lexa smiled,</p><p>“Damn, I’m tempted to go and get some.”</p><p>“Not today Reyes.”</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>“Did you know?” Clarke asked Octavia the moment they stepped into the girl’s house, if Lexa was here then so was Lincoln.</p><p>“Lincoln told me they were coming back; it wasn’t until today that I knew they were here.” Octavia answered, “I tried to tell you before Luna came into the café and I was going to when we got done shopping.”</p><p>“How long?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“How long are they staying?” Clarke asks,</p><p>“I think for good.”</p><p>For good, Lexa would be here for good which means they’ll see each other at school and at events. There was no avoiding her, and she was not lost on the irony of the situation. For months she wanted nothing more than for the girl to be here and now she wished she had stayed gone.</p><p>“Maybe you should talk to her.” Octavia suggested,</p><p>“She had a year!” Clarke yelled, “A whole fucking year and now I’m supposed to fall at her feet because she came back?”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant.”</p><p>“I need to go.”</p><p>“Clarke.” She sighed,</p><p>“I just need to think, I’ll text you.” She smiled vaguely before leaving the house and getting into her car muttering a destination to the driver.</p><p>She needed to do something, go somewhere and home wasn’t an option the last thing she needed was some snide remark from Abby. All of this was too much and there’s only one person in the world she could talk to about it.</p><p>The location wasn’t far and when they arrived rain started falling but Clarke thought it was fitting. She grabbed the umbrella her driver was holding for her before she followed the worn path to the place, she’s gone many times before.</p><p>“Hi dad.” She smiled looking down at the dull grey headstone, “I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while, Octavia took me the Hampton’s for a few weeks and I usually take every opportunity I can to escape mom. Speaking of, I don’t know if it’s even humanly possible, but she has gotten worse. You wouldn’t even recognize her if you were here, granted if you were here, I don’t know if she would be this way.” She sighed sitting on the wet grass not caring if her skirt gets ruined, “I’m not here to talk about mom though, I guess I’m mostly here because she’s back and I don’t know what to do. I need you here to tell me because you’re the only one I trust to help me figure this out.”</p><p>The rain continued and like every other visit she waited for a reply, she knew there wouldn’t be one but always waited.</p><p>“You loved Lexa so I know you would say talk to her, but I could barley look at her for two minutes without feeling myself breakdown. Every wall and shred of anger slipping away all because she was back, I was like puddy and I can’t. She can’t just leave and ignore my calls and texts for a year and expect me to be ok with her being here. But everything in my body wants me to go to her and hear her out and I do I know I’ll let her back in and I’m not ready for that. Then there’s Raven, you would hate me for the things I said to her, things she didn’t deserve. I want to apologize, I want to be the bigger person, but everything is so hard and I’m trying, dad I’m trying so hard I just wish you were here.”</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>It was the night of Ontari’s party and Lexa had to admit she was nervous. She knew everyone would be there and seeing them frightened her beyond belief let alone seeing Ontari again. But alas she worrying was a lost cause, tonight she would have fun and see her friends again. It will be fun.</p><p>“Are you sure this is ok?” Anya asks for the hundredth time,</p><p>“Yes, Anya you look hot now can we go?” Lexa groaned,</p><p>“She’s right you do look hot.” Raven smirked leaning against the door of the room, “Lincoln let me in.”</p><p>“Wow, Raven.” Anya said as she examined the girl, she was in a skintight red dress with cute sneakers and her leg brace that was Louis Vuitton print because of course it was. “You look amazing.”</p><p>“Thanks hottie.”</p><p>“Alright can we go?” Lexa stood up from the bed pulling her shorts down,</p><p>“You can’t wear that.” Raven said scrunching up her nose,</p><p>“What’s wrong with it?” Lexa asks looking down at her denim shorts and band tee, she thought it was cute.</p><p>“It’s basic and hideous.” Anya said repeating her words from when Lexa first entered her room to harass her for taking hours to get ready,</p><p>“What she said.” Raven nodded, “Come on, let’s go see what you have.”</p>
<hr/><p>Almost an hour later Lexa was changed now into tight ripped mom jeans that made her butt look phenomenal and a cropped off the shoulder top that showcased her amazingly toned stomach. Her long ombre hair flowed down her back and at Anya’s behest she worse red lips and small winged eyeliner.</p><p>She liked the looked, but she still had no issues with her first outfit but now they could leave so that was a plus.</p><p>“Remind me again why we’re going to this?” Lincoln asked once they were all in the elevator,</p><p>“Didn’t you hear, this is Anya’s New York city debut.” Lexa mocked,</p><p>“You’ve been here plenty of times.” He pointed out,</p><p>“But I’ve never met your friends or lived here, god Lincoln can’t you just let me have this?” She scoffed,</p><p>“Relax.” He murmured opting to scroll on his phone instead of continuing this conversation.</p><p>They had to have the driver switch to the SUV so they all could fit, Anya and Raven sat in the front seats while Lincoln and Lexa climbed to the back.</p><p>“Is O coming?” Lexa asks her brother trying to block out Anya and Ravens flirty chatter,</p><p>“Yeah.” He nodded,</p><p>“Have you seen her yet?”</p><p>“No, we facetimed last night but I’m seeing her today.” He smiled,</p><p>“I’m glad.” Lexa smiled before turning towards her window, the city was flying by them</p><p>“Do you really think it’s a good idea to be going to Ontari’s party?”</p><p>“Probably not.” She said honestly, “But it beats staying in the house and I really don’t need a lecture.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>The driver stopped in front of a huge mansion; one Lexa was very familiar with but hadn’t been to in almost two years. Cars lined the street, and the ground was practically vibrating from the music.</p><p>“Everyone’s inside already.” Raven said offering her arm to Anya who took it,</p><p>“Such a gentle woman.” She smiled and Lexa wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take.</p><p>They walked in and almost suddenly all eyes were on them but none of them acknowledged it. Lexa could see Ontari eyeing her and she had to admit the girl looked good. Her hair was shorter her body on full display in a tight leather dress that hugged every inch of her body.</p><p>“Don’t even go there.” Lincoln sighed seeing the way his sister was eyeing her very toxic ex.</p><p>“I wasn’t.” she muttered giving the girl one last look before turning to her brother, “Look I need you to do something tonight.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Don’t worry about me.” Lexa said, “I just mean, I’ve taken you from Octavia for long enough. Focus on her and your life, I’ll be fine Anya will be by my side and I’ll catch up with the others. Just promise you won’t spend your night trying to watch over me.”</p><p>“Promise me you won’t get blackout drunk.”</p><p>“I won’t, I promise.” She smirked holding out her pinky,</p><p>“Better watch out Lexa Fox isn’t too good at keeping promises.” Clarke said from behind them, an excited Octavia by her side.</p><p>“Babe!” she wasted no time jumping into the mans arms leaving Lexa and Clarke to stand awkwardly until Lexa saw Luna walking towards the blonde with two cups. Just as she was about to walk away desperately not wanting to see the two together, she felt a hand on her back.</p><p>“If it isn’t sexy Lexi.” Ontari smirked examining the girl, “I just had to come welcome you home in person and get you a drink of course.”</p><p>“Mhm, I didn’t know hospitality was a specialty of yours.” Lexa smiled, she was playing with fire and a part of her didn’t care.</p><p>“Only for you of course, come on I’d love to catch up.” She grabbed Lexa’s hand ushering her through the crowd until they reached the outside where the bar was in full swing,</p><p>“Nice party.” Lexa said looking at the large crowd through the full glass door they just exited,</p><p>“Usually is.” The girl reached over the bar grabbing a bottle of vodka and two glasses, “Hope cherry vodka is still your favorite.”</p><p>“If by favorite you mean causes me to have septic flashbacks when I drink it then yes.”</p><p>“To being home then.” She laughed pouring the liquid into two cups before raising her glass, “And old friends.”</p><p>“To old friends.”</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>If there was one thing Clarke didn’t want that was to step foot in Ontari Kween’s mansion for a party, she had no interest in being at but alas here she was. It’s not like she had to come, in fact Octavia told her she didn’t but a part of her needed to come just for the off chance that Lexa would be there, and boy was she.</p><p>Clarke couldn’t help but spot her the minute they walked through the door, her heart dropping at the sight. A year and somehow, she managed to get even more attractive, her hair was longer and a shade lighter most likely from the sun and her stomach was stoned to perfection more than it was before. She had to pry her eyes from her out of annoyance and when the opportunity arose, she couldn’t help but throw in a jab. But of course, it didn’t take her long to recover when Ontari got her devil claws around her.</p><p>“Here babe.” Luna smiled handing her a cup, Clarke forgot she had even walked in with them and hearing her call her babe almost made her flinch. Initially Luna wasn’t supposed to come but Clarke accidently mentioned it and now here they were.</p><p>“Thanks Luna.” She smiled, taking a sip from the cup and thankfully it was strong. She couldn’t help but follow Lexa and Ontari with her eyes and when she saw them laughing out by the bar it only made her madder. The fact the Lexa is even talking to that bitch boggles her mind completely,</p><p>“Did you hear me?” Luna asked causing Clarke to turn to her,</p><p>“I’m sorry no, the uh music it’s loud.” She smiled apologetically,</p><p>“It’s ok, I was just wondering if you wanted to dance.”</p><p>Not really, she thought but another glance at Lexa and dancing didn’t seem like such a horrible idea.</p><p>“Lead the way.”</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>“I missed this.” Ontari said grabbing Lexa’s hand, “I missed you, we used to have so much fun.”</p><p>“We did.” Lexa said remembering just how much fun they used to have,</p><p>“We could always start having fun again.” Ontari proposed,</p><p>“As tempting as its sound T, it’s not a good idea.” She sighed; her eyes drifted back to the glass doors where she could see a smiling Clarke grinding against Luna.</p><p>“Still hung up on Griffin then.” She said looking at the blonde,</p><p>“Something like that.”</p><p>“Odd couple, Atwater and Griffin.”</p><p>“I agree.” She finished her drink before pouring another, not enough to get drunk but enough to feel it.</p><p>“She’s clearly trying to make you jealous.” She smirked turning back to Lexa,</p><p>“Maybe.” She shrugged not wanting to even think about it or talk about it with her ex.</p><p>“Maybe you should make her jealous back.”</p><p>“No.” Lexa already had too much to fix, flirting with someone just to get back at the blonde would only add to the mess she had to clean. “Tonight, I’m here to chill and catch up with everyone.”</p><p>“Fair enough, but if you change your mind you know I’m always down for a good time.” She smiled.</p><p>“I’ll keep that in mind.” Lexa finished her drink before giving the girl a hug and heading back to her friends. Talking to Ontari didn’t go as bad as she thought, but she did seem like she was in a good mood tonight so that may have added to that.</p><p>She wondered around a bit until she came across her small group sitting in the game room down the hall.</p><p>“As I live and breathe, Lexa fucking Fox.” Murphy smirked getting up to hug the girl who happily accepted, “Bout time you came back.”</p><p>“I agree.” Emori smiled giving the girl a hug next, “We missed you.”</p><p>“I missed you guys too.”</p><p> Growing up her friend group always remained relatively small, the constants being the people in this room minus a couple. Catching up was nice, hearing about what everyone’s been up to and the latest upper east side gossip of course. There was something in the air that no one acknowledged though, and Lexa didn’t know if she was grateful or annoyed, but she went with the first.</p><p>“So new girl where have I seen you?” Harper asked Anya who was practically sitting on Ravens lap,</p><p>“I don’t know maybe in Lexa’s pictures?” Anya shrugged sipping her drink,</p><p>“Or on the cover of a fashion magazine.” Raven smirked,</p><p>“Yeah! That’s it, you were in Vogue with the up-and-coming models! Is it true you were offered a modeling gig in the Victoria Secret fashion show?”</p><p>“Yeah, but supporting brands run by trash people isn’t really my thing so I turned it down.” Anya said nonchalantly,</p><p>“Wow.”</p><p>“So what made you come to New York?” Murphy asked,</p><p>“Well besides the freezing weather and rude people, I have some jobs here so I figured I could finish out my schooling here with my cousins.” She said leaving out that she mainly came for Lexa, “So what’s the deal with this school, is it strict?”</p><p>“Let’s put it this way, chewing gum in the halls hell in the building is practically a criminal offense.” Clarke answered joining the group, Luna of course by her side, “I’m Clarke.”</p><p>“I know, I’m Anya.” She smiled,</p><p>“I know.” The blonde replied,</p><p>“Now it’s a party!” Ontari smiled joining the group a few bottles of alcohol in her hands, “How about a game?”</p><p>“Depends, will I be able to walk afterwards?” Murphy asked scooting over for the girl to join,</p><p>“Knowing you probably not.” She snarked, “How about never have I ever?”</p><p>“Rules?”</p><p>“Say something you’ve never done if anyone else has then you drink.” Ontari explained, passing a few bottles around.</p><p>Lexa was confused as to what was going on, she knew Murphy and Emori were friends with Ontari, but the others didn’t like her much. Maybe that changed when she left too.</p><p>“Clarke how about you start us off.” Ontari smiled at the blonde who scowled in return,</p><p>“Never have I ever cheated on someone I was dating.” Clarke said eyeing Ontari who didn’t drink, “Shouldn’t you drink?”</p><p>“Cheating has never been my forte.” She winked, “Just ask Lexi.”</p><p>“Who’s next?” Lincoln asked,</p><p>“Me.” Murphy said, “Never have I ever made a sex tape.”</p><p>The only one to drink of course was Ontari,</p><p>“Long story.” Was all she said before the next person went, most of the questions were sex related to Lexa’s annoyance. Her bottle was nearing empty and it wasn’t even her turn yet.</p><p>“Never have I ever had a threesome.” Octavia said and the only people to drink were Murphy, Emori, Ontari and Lexa.</p><p>“We might have to chug our whole bottles Lex.” Ontari smirked, and Lexa wanted to die. Her sexual history wasn’t a secret, but this was bordering somewhere between humiliation and embarrassment.</p><p>“Someone else go now please.” Lexa murmured,</p><p>“Never have I ever abandoned my girlfriend in the middle of the night with no rhyme or reason and then show up a year later when she isn’t wanted.” Clarke hissed causing everyone to stare at Lexa who just stared back,</p><p>“Wasn’t really your turn but ok.” Ontari mumbled,</p><p>Lexa didn’t know what to say or do but a stare off wasn’t it, so she chugged her drink before leaving the room. She needed air since there seemed to be none in this mansion. The party was still in full swing, but she was ready to go, she saw her friends and made an appearance and that was enough.</p><p>“Had enough already?” a voice asks, and she was surprised to hear it was Octavia.</p><p>“Just getting air.” Lexa replied, taking in the girl she was among the ones she missed even though she was sure she hated her as much as Clarke did.</p><p>“Why did you leave?” Octavia asks catching Lexa off guard, “Lincoln wouldn’t tell me, and I know it can’t be just because of the accident that night so why did you leave?”</p><p>“Maybe that’s exactly why.” Lexa said back,</p><p>“Fine then at least tell Clarke, at least give her some explanation she deserves that.”</p><p>“I’m trying.”</p><p>“Not hard enough, I have sat with that girl for months as she cried herself to sleep because of you. I love you Lexa, but I can’t understand why you did this.”</p><p>“I want to explain I just, I need to talk to Clarke.” Lexa sighed,</p><p>“Fine.” Octavia nodded, “But let me get one thing straight if by some grace of god, you fix things with Clarke you better work your hardest no to fuck it up again. I swear to god I will kill you.”</p><p>“I won’t hurt her again.” Lexa said truthfully, once she fixed things with Clarke, she had no plans of letting her go. “Now please tell me what the fuck is Luna Atwater doing glued to her side.”</p><p>“Sorry Fox, I think I hear Lincoln calling my name.” The girl smirked walking back into the house.</p><p>“Traitor.” Lexa mumbled once again alone outside, “How the fuck am I supposed to fix this.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading we will learn more about Ontari and the reason Lexa left soon</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. In loving memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>it's been a while i hope you're still interested! forgive me for mistakes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Are you insane like me?</em>
  </strong><br/>
<strong>
    <em>Been in pain like me?</em>
  </strong><br/>
<strong>
    <em>Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me? - Gasoline by Halsey</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>From the very beginning Clarke knew it was a bad idea coming to this party, but her stupid feelings led her here and now all she wanted to do was leave. After her comment Lexa had stormed out and the vibe was killed to say the very least. But there was no way she could sit here and play a stupid drinking game as if everything was fine.</p><p>Everything was not fine, Lexa left her for a year without explanation and out of the blue decided to come back and flaunt her past sexual exploits in a game of never have I ever forcing the blonde to hear. To be fair she knew Lexa’s past, hell she was there to pick her up after most of it, but it was still hard to hear. And it was hard to sit across from her as Ontari smirks and flirts with her like it’s nothing.</p><p>No, she didn’t work this hard for a year just have Lexa bring her back down and she sure as hell is not letting her get under her skin. She shouldn’t have come that much was clear.</p><p>After she ruined the game things got awkward most of them not even talking because no one knew what to say and neither did Clarke. This was a good enough time to leave if any.</p><p>“I’m going to head home.” Clarke said to Luna before grabbing her bag and heading for the front door,</p><p>“I’ll give you a ride.” Luna said catching up with her, Clarke agreed mostly because she wanted to get out as fast as possible.</p><p>It was only about midnight, which was early for a party like this, but Clarke didn’t care, she didn’t even say goodbye to her friends figuring she could just text them later.</p><p>“Wait Clarke.” Luna said grabbing the blonde’s hand,</p><p>They were outside just by the gates and Clarke wondered if whatever she was about to say couldn’t wait until they were in the car.</p><p>“I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”</p><p>“I’m fine Luna.” She said forcing a smile,</p><p>“Ok, I just had to make sure.” The curly haired girl replied stepping closer and before Clarke could think she felt lips pressing against her and hard. Her mind went blank and for the most part she stayed completely still.</p><p>When the girl finally pulled back Clarke could see in her peripheral vision a sad Lexa standing a few feet away. Of course, that’s why Luna would kiss her, she knew her, and Lexa had some weird feud happening she just didn’t think she had anything to do with it. But it made sense why out of the blue Luna started talking to her once Lexa was gone, she was just a consolation prize. Something to rub in Lexa’s face to say, ‘look I finally got something you want’ and if that was the case, she wanted nothing to do with either of them.</p><p>“I just remembered I told O I would go home with her.” Clarke said, ignoring the girls look, “Thanks for the offer for the ride though.”</p><p>“Clarke, wait.” Luna said but the blonde was long gone,</p><p>She searched the house for Octavia before finally finding her making out with Lincoln in one of the spare rooms. Quietly she closed the door hoping they didn’t hear her enter, the last thing she wanted was to interrupt especially knowing how long Octavia’s waited for this.</p><p>A part of her wants to wonder what a happy reunion with Lexa would look like but she didn’t allow her brain to go there. Lexa didn’t leave her for a year to study abroad or see the world she left her without explanation so there could be no happy reunion for them.</p><p>Eventually she found herself outside waiting for her driver to pick her up hoping it wouldn’t take long. All she wanted was a hot bath and macaroons for comfort, thankfully she got a new box recently. Of course, thinking of macaroons made her think of Lexa and the time the girl brought her, her favorite flavor all the way from Paris just because she said she wanted them.</p><p>
  <em>Damn her and my stupid memories!</em>
</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>Startled Clarke turned around not even hearing anyone approach her because of how consumed in her own thoughts she was and to her surprise the person was Raven.</p><p>“Hey.” She replied, they hadn’t talked in a long-time way too long and it was her fault. She pushed Raven away and said all those horrible things to her, she’s to blame for them not talking.</p><p>“I just wanted to make sure your ok.” Raven said, “Do you have a ride?”</p><p>Clarke nodded, “My driver should be here any minute.”</p><p>“Ok.” She nodded smiling a little,</p><p>“Hey hot stuff, I would never leave you, but impatient cousin here seems to be in a hurry!” Anya yelled as she hung out of the window of a black Escalade,</p><p>“I better go, I guess I’ll see you at school Monday.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Clarke smiled watching the girl walk away and get into a car she knew held Lexa and probably Octavia if she was going with Lincoln. The only odd ball out was her and she had to admit that sucked.</p>
<hr/>
<hr/><p>Lexa woke up Sunday morning with a headache that she wished was from drinking seeing as that would’ve been more fun than crying herself to sleep.</p><p>She knew it would be hard coming back and she was prepared for it but last night took a toll on her. She didn’t even think Clarke would be there seeing as she hated Ontari and she also wasn’t prepared to see the blonde kissing Luna fucking Atwater. That was the last straw and the catalyst that made her drag Anya and Raven out of the party so they could go home. Truthfully, she wanted nothing more than to get drunk after that, but she promised Lincoln, so the next best thing was just to leave and when she got home, she cuddled into her expensive furs and blankets and cried until sleep took her.</p><p>Looking at herself the morning after it was obvious that wasn’t the best call, her eyes were red, puffy, and sore but she couldn’t even be bothered. She ran herself a bath using whatever bubble bath she had on hand which was something floral of course. She loved everything floral scented, it made her happy and she could use all the happiness she could get.</p><p>Once the jacuzzi tub was filled she submerged herself in it moaning at the warmth.</p><p>“I’ve missed you.” She murmured to the tub, not even a few minutes later she heard her phone ringing, so she reached over to grab it. she was surprised to see it was her mom but the more she thought about it the called seemed right on time for their monthly “check in”.</p><p>“Hello.” Lexa said putting the phone on speaker before setting it back on the floor and sinking into the tub,</p><p>“My beautiful Alexena!” her mother cheered, and Lexa just rolled her eyes, she knew she hated going by that but never failed to call her it anyways,</p><p>“I’m sorry I think you have the wrong number this is Lexa.” She quirked back knowing her mother would have a mouth full to say back,</p><p>“Oh, don’t be dramatic Lexa, I forget you despise going by the name I blessed you with!”</p><p>“Mom do we have to do this?” she groaned; they have had this conversation maybe a million times.</p><p>Alexena was a beautiful name but Lexa never felt like it belong to her. Every time she would hear it, she would cringe and one day when she was 5 with the help of Anya she decided to go by Lexa. The obvious was to just go by Alex but they had a cousin named Alex already and Lexa felt right to her and it also made her and Lincoln seem more like twins which she loved.</p><p>Alexena also never felt right because she knew her mom just wanted to give her the most feminine name, she could because of her condition but over the years her mom agreed to call her Lexa with the occasional slip up.</p><p>“I’ll skip the dramatics if you do dear!”</p><p>“Fine, what are you doing?” Lexa asked,</p><p>“Well, me and your father just landed in Italy, darling you would love it is very much your vibe.”</p><p>“We’ll go one day.” Lexa said as she played with the bubbled that floated around her, she’s been to Italy many times actually but of course her mom wouldn’t know that and she found it was better to just play along.</p><p>“Of course, how are you and my Lincoln?”</p><p>“We’re fine just settling in.”</p><p>“Good, that’s great!”</p><p>“Yeah, what do I do for puffy sore eyes I was crying more than I’d like to admit last night and I don’t know what to do.” She knew her mom would ask why she was crying, and she was glad because she didn’t feel like explaining and they didn’t have that kind of relationship.</p><p>“Something cooling for sure, go to my bathroom take all the products you need those are the best of the best sweetie.”</p><p>“Ok, thanks mom.”</p><p>“Of course, my angel, now I must go your father has setup a romantic boat ride for us, but I look forward to our call next month.” <em>Really, she’s saying I love you and we’ll talk soon. </em></p><p>“I’m looking forward to it mom.” <em>Really that means I love you too, you emotionally inept human! </em></p><p>“Kiss the other angel for me!” she said before hanging up leaving Lexa to her thoughts.</p><p>Conversations with her mom always made her happy for some odd reason, it’s not like they were anything special and it usually consisted of her mom talking about herself, but Lexa always found them entertaining. It never ceased to surprise her how nonchalant her parents could be or how they struggled hard showing their kids any sort of love or compassion. She honestly thought it was a miracle her and Lincoln didn’t turn out that way, but she blamed Indra and Nyko for that. If it weren’t for them, they wouldn’t have receives much parental love that wasn’t hid under some euphemism about their monthly calls or expensive gift they didn’t need. At this point it didn’t bother Lexa because she knew that’s just who they were. They weren’t trying to be hurtful or harmful it’s just how they were but as a kid that’s hard to understand and they shouldn’t have had to.</p><p>All of that aside she looked forward to the calls, she loved her mom and talking to her was nice for the most part.</p><p>Thirty minutes later she climbed out of the bath and threw her robe on before journeying across the apartment to what they referred to as the robot’s quarters. It was a joke between her and Lincoln since for the most part that described their parents.</p><p>She went into their bathroom and opening the cabinet filled with all of her mom’s junk. She had no clue what she was looking for, but she assumed it would just say cooling, but she wasn’t seeing anything like that.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“Oh my god!” Lexa yelled, dropping a few products as well. When turning to see who the hell would sneak up on her like that, she was surprised to see it was Octavia. “O, what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I stayed with Lincoln.” She said a blush creeping onto her face, “He got a call from your dad and you know what that does to him.”</p><p>Lexa nodded, unlike her Lincoln did not find their parents behavior entertaining or understand it one bit. He wanted the connection and the I love you’s and bonding and it wasn’t like Lexa didn’t, but she accepted long ago that they weren’t that kind of family.</p><p>“So, he went out to get breakfast and I came to talk to you, but I saw you coming in here.” She explained, “What are you looking for?”</p><p>“Something cooling apparently.” She huffed turning back to the mountain of face products in front of her, “Mom says cooling helps puffiness.”</p><p>“Here let me look.” She said moving Lexa out of the way before sorting through the products.</p><p>She watched silently but also confused since she was acting very normal, very much like nothing was going on.</p><p>“You’re supposed to be mad at me.” Lexa finally said unable to tolerate the quiet.</p><p>“Who’s says I’m not?”</p><p>“You’re being too nice.”</p><p>“Do you want me to be mean?” Octavia asks handing the girl a clear glass jar filled with a white cream,</p><p>“No but it’s weird.”</p><p>“I hate what you did and how you left Clarke, but I know that it must’ve been something serious and it makes me want to be there for you too.” Octavia sighed, “I don’t want to choose between two people I love especially when we’ve all already lost someone, so I decided I’m not going to. You and Clarke can handle your shit and we can all stay out of it.”</p><p>“That’s fair.” She nodded, “Do you know what happened between Clarke and Raven?”</p><p>“Raven didn’t tell you?”</p><p>“No, but something tells me it’s my fault.” She sighed,</p><p>“Not really…. But sort of.” Octavia admitted, “A few months after you left Clarke found out Raven knew where you were. I don’t know how Raven found out but when she wouldn’t tell Clarke she was livid. She said some horrible things, things about the accident and her dad she went too far. That was 8 months ago, and they won’t talk to each other. Don’t tell Raven I told you, especially not when Lincoln gets back with breakfast.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Lexa asked connecting the dots, “She’s here?”</p><p>“I’m surprised you didn’t hear her and your cousin going at it last night.” Octavia smirked while Lexa didn’t quite know what to do,</p><p>“Oh my god.” She groaned, that happened way faster than she expected, “Ugh was everyone having sex here last night except me?”</p><p>“Strange turn of events huh?” the girl laughed, “Lexa the promiscuous sexy bad girl going home alone, although I’m more than sure Ontari would’ve jumped your bones had you let her.”</p><p>“Please stop.” She groaned once again leaving the bathroom and going back to her own,</p><p>“Get dressed breakfast is soon.” Octavia called after her before banging on Anya’s door, “You too sex fiends!”</p><p>“Oh my god.” Lexa mumbled closing her door and going to her closet,</p><p>
  <em>Great now my support will be all coupled up with my best friend while I’m miserable, which is my own doing.</em>
</p><p>Quickly she threw on some compression shorts and a bralette before throwing on an oversized hoodie and fluffy socks. Her curly hair was a mess, and she had no energy to care. She put on the cream Octavia a picked and she had to admit it was cooling and felt nice.</p><p>Once she immerged from her room she was greeted with a sleepy Raven and a smug Anya. The fact that they slept together shocks her to no end but right now all she wanted was food.</p><p>“Goodmorning.” Anya smiled wrapping her arm around her cousin, “Did you sleep well?”</p><p>“Like a baby.” Lexa replied, she had the tears and all. “I would ask how you slept but something tells me I don’t want to know. “</p><p>“Well, your friend is quite the cuddle buddy after sex and I sort of love that.” Anya admits but Lexa just groans and rushes off to the kitchen where Lincoln was plating the food.</p><p>“Got your favorite.” Lincoln smiled, holding up a plate of pancakes with whip cream and fruit,</p><p>“You’re the best.” Lexa cheered giving him a kiss on the cheek before grabbing the food and sitting at the table.</p><p>They had only been here a couple of days but already she could see the change in her brother. He was happier and smiling more and as much as she loved it, it also broke her heart because she was the reason, he hadn’t been here the past year. He was the reason he wasn’t here with his girlfriend enjoying their junior year of high school. All because she was stupid and made a huge mistake.</p><p>“Alright what time is school start tomorrow?” Anya asked the group while digging into her fruit bowl,</p><p>“10 am sharp.” Octavia answered,</p><p>“Damn you socialites have it good, back in California school starts at 8am!” Anya said back,</p><p>“Don’t act like you were effected, you were homeschooled.” Lincoln laughed,</p><p>“Still, I know they have to get up early there.” She shrugged, “But this is good I can do 10, leaves time for my morning workout.”</p><p>“God remember we used to workout in the mornings O?” Raven asked,</p><p>“Yeah, the two times we managed to actually wake up.”</p><p>The conversation flowed easily, and Lexa was thankful for that, she thought things would be weird once she returned and they weren’t. Everyone was still how she remembered with the exception of Clarke, but she knew that would be the hardest to fix. It was easier knowing her friendships were still intact though.</p><p>“Tomorrow they’re having an assembly.” Raven said hesitantly, “It’s for her but I think it’s mostly an excuse to lecture us on drunk driving.”</p><p>“It will probably be like the one last year.” Octavia added, and Lexa felt like her throat was closing up, “The memorial was nice though, Lexa you have to see it.”</p><p>She felt like she couldn’t breathe at the mention of any of this and she didn’t want to talk about it.</p><p>“I-.” Lexa took a sip of her drink hoping that would help for some reason, but it didn’t not one bit, “Excuse me.” She managed to say before running off to her room and shutting the door.</p><p>There was no air, no air anywhere and she was suffocating she wasn’t even sure if she remembered how to breathe because she couldn’t!</p><p>“Lexa, you need to calm down.”</p><p>She heard a faint voice, but her mind would barely allow her to focus on it, the only thing she could think about was getting air. The next thing she knew she felt hands on her back and her feet moving until they stopped, and she finally felt cool fresh air hitting her face.</p><p>She gulped up as much as she could before she felt like she could breathe again, and everything came into to focus. She was on her balcony and her brother was by her side.</p><p>“Are you sure that you can handle this?” Lincoln asked watching as his sister who up until two seconds ago was acting like she was about to die.</p><p>“I have to.”</p><p>“Not like this, you can see the doctors like Aunt Indra suggested-.”</p><p>“No Lincoln I’m fine, I can handle it.” she said firmly before walking back inside.</p><p>She could handle it; she planned, and she had a system. If she felt anxious, she would take deep breaths and count to ten if that doesn’t work, she has her inhaler to help calm herself down. She’ll steer clear of anything triggering which would be hard, but she could do it. she could because she had too.</p><p>The rest of the day she spent in her room organizing and setting out her school uniform. She did some writing as therapy before laying in bed and clearing her head of everything. School was tomorrow and she needed to get off on a good start, she really needed too.</p>
<hr/><p>The next morning when Lexa woke up, she wasn’t sure if she would make it out of the door. Her whole being was filled nerves and fear, but she pushed through it as she slipped on her plaid paper bag slacks that she had custom made and her Polis School for girls’ shirt to match. Having to ear a uniform never really bothered her much and in the beginning she would wear her plaid skirt opposed to the pants, but the pants were more comfortable and that’s all that mattered to her.</p><p>She slipped on some Gucci boots with a small heel and some light makeup as well. As usual she slept with her hair in braids, so she took them out letting her wild curls frame her face pinning some back with a small clip.</p><p>For way too long she starred in the mirror trying to come up with a reason she could go today but eventually she made it out of her room.</p><p>“This skirt is actually cute.” Anya smiled walking into the living room with her uniform but of course it was modified to her liking. The skirt was pulled up and belted with a shimmering louis Vuitton belt and her blonde waves were pushed back with a matching headband.</p><p>“You know everyone’s going to hate you right?” Lincoln smiled,</p><p>“And want to be you at the same time.” Lexa added fueling her cousin’s ego.</p><p>“Perfect.” Anya grinned,</p><p>The ride to school was a quick one seeing as they lived only a few blocks from their school. Lexa got out of the car and watched as all the students filled in, everything was the same of course. Perfect and pristine as if the headmistress would have it no other way.</p><p>She looked over at the boy’s school watching them as well, Polis and TonDC were sister schools and operated together. The only thing was Polis was for the girls and TonDC was for the boys. The only time they would be together was for school assemblies and lunch because they had a common courtyard. Classes and everything else were separate.</p><p>Lincoln made his way to TonDC while Anya and Lexa entered Polis. The halls were buzzing with people.</p><p>“This is so exciting.” Anya smiled looking around the halls, “I haven’t stepped foot into a school since I was like 8.”</p><p>“Lucky you.” Lexa replied pulling her towards the office.</p><p>She had the counselor print both her and Anya schedules and locker information before showing the blonde around. Admittedly having Anya here was a good distraction and she almost forgot about all of her problems until they arrived at the lockers and of course for some horrible cosmic reason Anya’s had to be two lockers away from Clarkes.</p><p>No surprise the blonde ignored them as Lexa showed Anya how to open her locker which she had never been good at. After the third try she was annoyed, and Anya was amused.</p><p>“Here.” Clarke said reaching for the combination before opening the locker easily on the first attempt,</p><p>“My savior.” Anya smiled, “Lord knows this one couldn’t do it, thank you Clarke.”</p><p>“Your welcome, if ever need help feel free to ask.” Clarke said flashing a smile before walking off,</p><p>“She’s an angel.” Anya said put Lexa wasn’t listening,</p><p>With a deep breathe she walked over to Clarke’s locker where the blonde was putting her things into.</p><p>“Can I talk to you for a moment.” Lexa said nervously,</p><p>“No, Lexa.” She sighed, before slamming her locker and walking off.</p><p>“Wait please.” Lexa said grabbing her hand, “It’s not about me, I do want to talk and when you’re ready I want to explain everything but that’s not what this is about. It’s about Raven.” She said only continuing when she knew the blonde was listening, “I know it’s not my business but I really I think you two should talk. She’s your best friend and you two not talking is like the apocalypse or something. Raven didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t tell her the reason she knew I was in California was because she asked my mom when they were in New York. It’s a long story but she ended up contacting me and I asked her not to tell anyone and after that we didn’t talk. So, Blame me don’t blame Raven she was only being a nice friend.” With that Lexa dropped her hand and made her way back over to Anya who was waiting.</p><p>She knew it wouldn’t be easy to fix her and Clarke and she may never be able to, but she couldn’t let her two people she loved not be in each other’s lives because of her own mistakes.</p><p>Class wasn’t for a while so her and Anya found a seat outside where Lincoln later joined them as well as Murphy and some other friends. Lexa had to admit it was nice being around the group again, but it wasn’t the same and it never will be, because of her. She found out the assembly was before classes which she didn’t know if she could go to, she knew she didn’t want to, but assemblies weren’t exactly a choice here.</p><p>As her friends talked around her, she made her way to the vending machine for a water. She was working herself up already and she needed to calm down. She put her money in pressing the button and grabbed her Fiji water. She took a long sip her eyes wondering until they caught something up the hall.</p><p>Her body was telling her to turn away but of course she didn’t listen as she walked closer and closer until she saw it, saw her. Framed and huge with words that shouldn’t be there, not for a very long time. She felt her eyes stinging and her head telling her what she already knew. It was all her fault and there was nothing she could do.</p><p>The picture was beautiful because she was, not just in looks but in everything. She was a good person and she deserved to be here, but she wasn’t.</p><p>She allowed her finger to trace over the letters ‘In Loving Memory’ and hesitantly she traced the others, as her tears fell, they went over the name ‘Costia Lopez’ and she knew only one thing, she definitely could not step foot in that assembly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>anyone still interested?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Old Habits Die Hard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The feedback on the story has been so amazing! Thank you guys for reading in this chapter we get some more knowledge on Clarke and Lexa.</p><p>quick note:<br/>-In the first chapter i said Lexa was 18, her and Lincoln are Seventeen turning 18 in months time. When I first started writing i planned for them to be coming back for college that's probably why i put 18. That was my mistake sryyyy<br/>-Two line breaks signals perspective change, one just means different 'scene'<br/>-Also don't know if i mentioned but this story will have flashbacks</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>And there's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody</strong><br/>
<strong>It won't leave my head</strong><br/>
<strong>Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine</strong><br/>
<strong>But I wish I was dead - Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey</strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>The first day of school used to be Clarke’s favorite day of the year, it always felt new like no matter what happened the years before this was a fresh start. Last year her first day was overshadowed by drama and heartbreak and she barely survived it. This year she planned on having an amazing first day, it was senior year and she wanted to enjoy it. She wanted to have lunch with her friends on the met steps, she wanted to go to dances and parties and actually have fun but then a tornado came into town and ruined all of that.</p><p>For months she prayed Lexa would return with some amazing explanation as to why she broke her heart into a million pieces, but after six months of silence she let that go. By no means was she over it but she needed to move on and try to get her life back and so she did. It took a tremendous amount of work but a year later she finally felt ok when she woke up in the morning. She finally didn’t feel like a fifty ton weight was lying on her chest slowly killing her as she dragged through her day. For once she could smile and it was genuine but now all of that work was going down the drain because out of the blue she decided to come back.</p><p>Clarke knew she had two options, she could let Lexa’s presence drag her down to her dark place or she could continue living her life the way she planned. Seeing her would be hard but she could handle it, in nine months they’ll graduate and she’ll be off to Yale where she never has to see the brunette again.</p><p>She went through her morning as usual, waking up early for breakfast and fleeing her penthouse before her wretched mother woke for the day. She met O for coffee where they talked a bit before heading into Polis.</p><p>Expectations were low but she felt excited once she saw everyone buzzing through the halls with smiles and laughing.</p><p>When she got to her locker, she decided she was going to have a good day no matter what happened, even when she saw Lexa and Anya approaching the locker near hers. She watched silently as Lexa fumbled around with the lock, suppressing a laugh. The brunette never could open the lockers claiming it was impossibly difficult. Most of the time it was Clarke who opened it for her when they were together.</p><p>After a few more minutes she finally decided to butt in grabbing the paper from the brunette and twirling in the combination. She had never met Anya, but she knew of her from stories Lexa would tell her. She seemed nice and she had no plans to ice the girl out just because of her cousin. She wanted to be nice to her and so she was. What she didn’t need was a speech from Lexa about her and Raven, she knew she messed up and she planned to fix it and Lexa needed to mind her god damn business!</p>
<hr/><p>The assembly started and Clarke wasn’t quite sure she could do this. She couldn’t handle the one last year, hell if it wasn’t for Lexa, she wasn’t sure if she could’ve made it through the funeral, granted that night she also lost Lexa so she wasn’t even sure that mattered.</p><p>Losing Costia was hard and it quite literally changed all of them forever. Admittedly her and Costia did butt heads at the beginning of their friendship but over the years they became close. They had an understanding and no matter what they knew they could be there for each other.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Sophomore year- Birthday Party @ The Fox Penthouse</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>The music was blaring, and Clarke was sure any minute Lexa’s apartment would collapse from not being able to hold this many people. Half of them she didn’t know but she assumed either Lexa or Lincoln did since it was their birthday.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Originally, they didn’t want a party, but Clarke and Octavia convinced them they needed to celebrate after all you only turn 16, once right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The apartment was huge, and people were everywhere but Clarke could always spot her girlfriend no matter what. Her gorgeous dark curls and infections smile and of course those vibrant green eyes that never fail to make her heart flutter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She watched with a smile as Lexa completely dominated Murphy in beer pong leaving the boy drunk on his ass but what was new? Her eyes scan over the crowd and she realized she wasn’t the only one watching the amazing brunette.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke wasn’t blind, she knew Costia had feelings for Lexa and she had a feeling that’s why in the beginning their friendship never worked. They always disagreed and gave each other looks until one day Lexa started dating Ontari and they simply just stopped whatever unsaid feud they had. In a way it was both of them realizing they would never have a shot with Lexa so why shouldn’t they be able to be friends. From that day on they stopped fighting and actually figured out they had a lot in common after years of being in the same friend group. They both loved art and music and cheesy movies/Tv shows, and spent way too much time gushing over every bit of it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then one day Clarke decided she wanted to be with Lexa, and she was going to tell her. It’s not like she had to, they both knew their feelings for each other, but she was done running from them. In that moment she didn’t think of Costia’s feelings just her own and deep down she felt horrible but pretending she was ok seeing Lexa with other people felt worse and she had to stop it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A few months later and here they were, both staring at the same person longingly but only one of them gets to be in their bed tonight.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With a sigh she made her way over to the curly haired girl who flashed a smile once she saw the blonde approaching.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Having fun?” Clarke asked while taking the seat next to the girl,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You know me, I’d rather be at home watching Teen Wolf rather than watching a bunch of horny teenagers get drunk and try to have sex on any available surface.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Dylan O’Brien does sound slightly more appealing.” Clarke smirked and the girl laughed,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I agree.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Costia-.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know what you’re about to say Clarke and you don’t need to.” She sighed, looking over at Lexa before turning to fully face the blonde, “It’s ok.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m sorry, I know you have feelings for her and I’m not trying to rub that in your face I hope you know that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I do Clarke.” She nodded, “My crush on Lexa is just that a crush, she doesn’t like me and even a blind person could probably see how much the two of you love each other.” She smiled, taking the blonde’s hand. “I knew it the moment I moved here in middle school and I know it now. You’re my best friend and I’m happy for you, both of you. As for my crush, I’ll get over it. I don’t want this to affect us, I can’t lose you you’re like the Stiles to my Scott.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Or the Allison to my Lydia.” Clarke said, a huge smile plastered on her face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“As long as I can be Allison.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Leave me to be the screaming Banshee huh?” she quipped, “I’ll always be the Lydia to your Allison.”</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Present</em> </strong>
</p><p>“I can’t do this.” Clarke mumbled to Octavia before getting out of her seat and running out the door,</p><p> <em>air she needed air because right now she felt like she couldn’t breathe. </em></p><p>She knew she would get in trouble for walking out in the middle of an assembly, but she didn’t care. The last she needed was to hear them talk about how bad underage drinking was and oh yeah you want proof this is your classmate ask her oh wait you can’t she’s dead so if you don’t want to end up like her don’t drink!</p><p>Clarke wondered the halls aimlessly until she found herself in front of the person she was currently trying to run away from. The picture was incredible but so was Costia, she was beautiful and smart and funny and now she was just this picture. She was just a grave and accepting that wasn’t easy, it’s still not.</p><p>“I miss you Allison.” She whispered; it was only then the irony hit her. In the show Allison was dead too, but Lydia wasn’t and that alone brought burning tears to her eyes because this was real, and she wanted more than anything for it not to be.</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>The assembly started thirty minutes ago, and Lexa found herself siting on the stairs patiently waiting for it to end. There was no way she could step foot in that auditorium without falling apart, so she opted out of going at all.</p><p>Sitting there with nothing else to do made her think of her last first day at Polis, it was sophomore year and her and Clarke had just started dating officially.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Sophomore Year- First Day</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“Baby it’s going to be fine!” Lexa assured as they walked towards the gates of Polis hand in hand for the first time as a couple,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You keep saying that, but your fan girls are already staring daggers at me.” Clarke murmured,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t have fan girls. “Lexa laughed but Clarke wasn’t instead she took the brunettes face her hands turning it to see the group of girls currently giving her the stank eye, “They’re just jealous because I get the date the most beautiful girl in school.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“More like the other way around.” Clarke rolled her eyes, before Lexa took her hand stopping her from walking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Clarke, we talked about this and what did we say?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We don’t care what anyone says about our relationship.” Clarke recited,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s right.” Lexa grinned giving the blonde a quick kiss as they continued their walk into school.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The truth was Clarke did care, Lexa was the popular girl, the deemed bad girl that everyone wanted and being her friend was one thing but now being her girlfriend was different. She would have to deal with the stares and the gossip and the jealousy but one thing she did know was Lexa loved her and only her and that’s what mattered.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you regret it?” Lexa asked seeing the look on Clarkes face, “Do you regret getting together?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What? No!” she yelled, “Of course not Lexa, I’m sorry baby I just- dealing with all this is new to me. It’s one thing to see it when we were just friends but now, I’m living it and it’s weird.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m sorry for that, but I love you and no matter what you’ve always been the only girl that’s meant anything to me, and I can’t wait for everyone to know it too.”</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Present </em> </strong>
</p><p>“You know you’re going to get in trouble for sitting out here, right?”</p><p>Lexa shook her thoughts away looking up to see Ontari standing in front of her. Her short black hair was clipped to the back of her head and her skirt was pulled up way more than it was supposed to be. In true Ontari form fishnets decorated her legs and bulky black earrings were placed in her ears. </p><p>“I could say the same to you.” She sighed sitting back on the stairs not really sure if she was in the mood for banter,</p><p>“Here.” Ontari said handing her a bright yellow paper that she recognized as a hall pass/class dismissal card.</p><p>“What do you want for it?” Lexa asked, she knew Ontari’s games a little too well.</p><p>“Why can’t I just want to give you something?” Ontari asked back, taking a seat next to the brunette,</p><p>“I know you; you were nice at the party, but I do know the way you work Tari.”</p><p>“Why do you get to be the only one who has changed?” Ontari replied back seriously, “A year is a long time Lex.”</p><p>
  <em>It most certainly was.</em>
</p><p>“Thank you.” She said, taking the card,</p><p>“I’m really sorry about Costia, I know she was a part of your friend group.”</p><p>“Thanks.” Lexa mumbled wishing this conversation could be over,</p><p>“And I wanted to say I’m sorry about us, I know that was a while ago, but I was horrible to you and you didn’t deserve that. As much fun as we had together, I know the bad times outweigh that. I really am trying to be better, no drugs, no sex parties, no clubs, maybe a little drinking.” She smiled nudging Lexa who couldn’t help but laugh, “What I’m saying is I hope you can forgive me for all the shitty stuff I did because I am sorry.”</p><p>In the many months she dated Ontari she never seen this side of her. Really the only side she got was rich girl who always wanted to party and have sex so seeing her be emotional was strange, but she appreciated it. Lexa too has changed since their days together and if she wanted forgiveness from others, she had to be willing to give it.</p><p>“I did some horrible things to you too Ontari, our relationship was Toxic and we both needed out of it. I do hope now we can try and be friends at least.”</p><p>“Really, you forgive me?”</p><p>“As long as you forgive me too.” She smiled, and Ontari nodded giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.</p><p>“Thank you, Lexi.” She said before grabbing her bag and walking back into school before Lexa grabbed her hand to stop her,</p><p>“Wait.” Lexa said standing up with a sigh, she knew talking about this would open up the floodgates in her mind but in that moment it didn’t matter she needed to say this because she hadn't a year ago. “I should be thanking you for what you did the night I left, if it wasn’t for you-.”  </p><p>“You don’t have to thank me Lexa,” She interrupted, before adding “Just please stay away from Nia and anyone else in Azgeda.” Ontari said firmly before walking away leaving Lexa to think about another night she wanted nothing more than to forget, because it was her breaking point.</p><p>A few minutes later the bell chimed signaling the start of first period and Lexa knew it was time to face the music. On her way in she prayed it would be a good first day and nothing cataclysmic would happened but these days there was no telling.</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>A few hours after school ended Clarke sat on the met steps watching everything between Native New Yorkers and happy tourists fly by her. She loved watching the buzz of the city, for some reason it always excited her. New York was special and living anywhere seemed criminal to her.</p><p>“Hey.” Raven said taking the blonde from her thoughts, she smiled at the brunette who took a seat next to her.</p><p>“Thank you for coming.” Clarke said, her eyes gazing over the brace on the girl’s right leg. “I know I don’t deserve it.”</p><p>“What is this about Clarke?” Raven asked, getting straight to the point.</p><p>Clarke sighed as she played with a loose thread in her skirt, her words needed to be perfect. She needed to say everything she felt and hope that was enough to fix what she broke.</p><p>“I’ve known you since we were kids, and it breaks my heart that for the past seven months we’ve practically been strangers and I know that’s my fault and no apology can make up for what I said to you.” Clarke said quickly wiping a stray tear from her face, “No matter the situation whether you knew where Lexa was or didn’t, I shouldn’t have said what I said. My dad loved you and I know that accident took something from you too and I’m so ashamed for even saying- thinking those words.” Sitting here now they were on repeat in her mind and she hated it, ‘My dad died only for you to live and be a conniving little bitch!’</p><p>When in reality Jake died in an accident, one that could’ve killed Raven and Clarke but they both came out alive and he didn’t, and Raven almost lost her leg completely while Clarke for the most part came out unscathed. That accident bonded them forever and Clarke was ashamed to have to admit she used it to throw in Raven face.</p><p>“There’s no excuse and I won’t use losing Costia or Lexa as one because you lost them too and you were hurting, and I was selfish. I just hope we can fix this because I miss you and I’m so sorry for everything Rae.”</p><p>“I miss you too Clarke.” Raven admitted, wiping her face “And I want to fix this, but it won’t be instant but not having you in my life is weird and I’m willing to try if you are.”</p><p>“Yes.” Clarke said quickly, “Yes, I want that.”</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>It was 6pm when Lexa was summoned to the dining room for a celebratory family dinner, that’s what Anya said at least. She had no clue what they were celebrating but she was hungry and wasn’t in the mood to ask any questions.</p><p>“Look who’s graced up with her presence.” Anya exclaimed as Lexa dragged herself into a seat, “In sweatpants and a crop top for dinner, your parents outta be ashamed!”</p><p>“Do you even know our parents?” Lexa quipped,</p><p>“They’d have to be here to be ashamed.” Lincoln added, “And don’t think you’re fooling anyone with that apron on, do you really expect us to believe you cooked?”</p><p>“Oh god no.” Anya gasped, pulling the fabric from her body before taking her seat. “I only put it on to plate the food, I couldn’t risk dropping anything on this dress it hasn’t even hit stores.”</p><p>Lexa laughed at her cousin before digging into the food, which was Italian, a family staple.</p><p>“Are you going to tell us what we’re celebrating?” Lincoln asked also filling up his plate with food,</p><p>“Well, it’s a few things.” Anya said, “The main being a successful first day of senior year, obvi. The next being Lexa having the balls to talk to Clarke-.”</p><p>“How did that go?” Lincoln asked,</p><p>“We didn’t talk.” Lexa sighed, “Not really I just told her she should make up with Raven since it was my fault they were even fighting. Anyways moving on.”</p><p>“Right, the next is me being the most talked about student Polis has ever seen and lastly just to us.”</p><p>“We’re celebrating us?”</p><p>“Yes, our first week living alone.” Anya said and Lexa and Lincoln laughed, “What’s funny?”</p><p>“We’ve been living alone our whole lives basically.” Lexa answered,</p><p>“Uncle Gustus and Aunt Willa lived here.”</p><p>“Sometimes.” Lincoln scoffed and Lexa knew it would be better to change the subject all together.</p><p>“Anyways to us.” Lexa raised her glass wishing it was filled with something way stronger than water. She almost wondered if she stared at it long enough if it would turn into wine or at least a cheap liquor.</p>
<hr/><p>After dinner Lexa made her back to her room where she planned to wallow in self-pity for the remainder of the night until she fell asleep but that was interrupted a few minutes in when Lincoln came in. She knew whatever he was about to say was going to be parent-ey, so she braced herself.</p><p>“I wanted to talk.” He said making his way in the room, sitting on the edge of the California King bed.</p><p>“About?”</p><p>“You.” He replied and Lexa sighed, “I need to know you’re not going to fall back into old habits now that we’re back here.”</p><p>“Meaning?”</p><p>“You know what I mean Lexa, no drugs no drinking no disappearing for long periods of time without telling anyone.”</p><p>“I’ve literally done nothing since we got here!” she said clearly annoyed, if even he didn’t think so she was actually trying.</p><p>“You haven’t but I know you Lexa, you’re not just my sister you’re my twin and I can tell when you’re about to slip into old patterns. So, if I find out you’re back to doing any of those things I’m calling Aunt Indra and telling her the truth about what happened in California.”</p><p>“What the fuck Lincoln?” she shouted, “You’re blackmailing me into to being good? What type of shit is that?”</p><p>“I don’t what else to do Lexa, you scared the fuck out of me that night and I-.”</p><p>“It was an accident, I already told you that!”</p><p>“Was it?” He asked staring into his sisters’ eyes, “Because I remember that night, finding you it clearly wasn’t an accident Lexa and hate myself for letting you convince me it was.”</p><p>“I don’t need this, get out of my room.” She stood walking to open the door, she wasn’t hearing this she didn’t want or need to not tonight, not ever if she had the choice. “This is the kind of shit that makes me want to fucking drink.”</p><p>“Exactly, because of actually trying to handle your shit you either run or get drugged up somewhere and who’s there to pick up the pieces, me! Every fucking time!”</p><p>“I don’t ask you to do that Lincoln!” she yelled,</p><p>“You don’t have to Lexa you’re my sister and I’m the only one here! We don’t have parents to call that would get on the first flight to New York just because we need them! If they knew half the shit you get up to, they wouldn’t even bat an eye and that’s why it’s my responsibility.”</p><p>“I can handle myself.” Lexa muttered, avoiding the boy’s eyes opting to focus on the fluffy black carpet beneath her,</p><p>“If the last year has said anything it’s that you can’t, and instead actually getting help you make it worse. You think coming back here and fixing things with Clarke is your only problem but it’s not. You need to fix yourself first Lexa and until you do, Clarke shouldn’t even give you the time of day.”</p><p>“Get out.” Lexa said, practically growling and Lincoln did as he was told before stopping just at the door,</p><p>“I mean it Lexa, if you fall off, I’m calling Indra and getting you help which is exactly what i should've done six months ago, hell a year ago but i'm giving you the chance to do this on your own. Please don't make me regret it.” He said before leaving the room completely.</p><p>“FUCK!” she yelled slamming the door,</p><p>Clumsily she made her way back to her bed climbing under the covers and snuggling into herself crying to keep the tears at bay but there was no use. She knew Lincoln was right, right about her, right about California even right about Clarke. She was a fuck up, the defective twin in more ways than one and no matter what she did in the end it came out the same. Coming back, she wanted to be better, she wanted to get better and be someone Clarke deserves but she wasn’t sure if she was capable of that.</p><p>Hesitantly she grabbed her phone from the nightstand unlocking it and going to her contacts. Lately when things were hard, she ran and right now she wanted to run, her finger hovered over a name that she knew only meant trouble. Trouble that the last time she almost didn’t make it out of. Because no matter how much she tells herself this was about Costia, she knew it all ended with one person and one night where everything went wrong. Because even if it kicked off with Costia and the accident it truly started the night of the funeral with Nia and even a year later it felt like she could never come back from that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Context for the Teen Wolf Reference:<br/>Stiles and Scott are Best Friends and so are Allison and Lydia</p><p>End Notes:<br/>Lexa is not meant to like the name Alexena, is sort of the point. I don't expect anyone to like it because she doesn't. it doesn't feel like who she is and it's more her parents which we'll learn more about.<br/>Lexa leaving is deeper than Costia and we'll find out soon why</p><p>Don't forget to comment and let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 'Wait Until Dark'</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hiiiii!!!!!</p><p>sorry for mistakes</p><p>also i know i've already said this but Lexa is not meant to like the name Alexena, is sort of the point. I don't expect anyone to like it because she doesn't. it doesn't feel like who she is and it's more her parents which we'll learn more about.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Carry me home, don't wanna talk about the things to come</em> </strong><br/>
<strong> <em>Just put your hands up in the air, the radio on</em> </strong><br/>
<strong> <em>'Cause there's nothing for us to talk about</em> </strong><br/>
<strong> <em>Like the future and those things</em> </strong><br/>
<strong> <em>'Cause there's nothing for me to think about</em> </strong><br/>
<strong> <em>Now that she's gone, I can't feel nothing- The Blackest Day by Lana Del Rey</em> </strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>The first month of school flew by and Clarke thought it went decently besides the first day. She made it a point to avoid Lexa although it didn’t really seem like the girl was that concerned with her anyways. Every time they saw each other the brunette would just look away or ignore her, which is what she asked for, but it still pissed her off. On one hand she felt like Lexa should begging for her forgiveness every chance she got. On the other hand, she knew that was too much to expect from someone who just up and left her in the middle of the night. Clearly their relationship meant nothing to Lexa in the first place, and she needed to accept that. The faster the better.</p><p>There was also the fact of avoiding Luna, after Ontari’s party the most she had said to her was hi and bye, but the curly haired girl was persistent. Always stopping by her locker or volunteering to walk her to class. It was downright annoying, and she was on the verge of snapping. The last thing she needed was someone using her as a ploy to make her ex-girlfriend mad which seemed to be Luna’s motive. She didn’t even have time to care, all she wanted was to go home shut herself into her room for the weekend and try to forget what day It was, but she knew she wouldn’t be able.</p><p>When she walked off the elevator and into her penthouse she hoped and prayed her mother wouldn’t be there. Just as she was climbing the stairs, she thought she was in the clear but that would be just too good to be true.</p><p>“Clarke.” Abby said, causing the younger blonde to stop walking.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I’m going away for the weekend with Marcus, just thought I’d let you know.”</p><p>“You just thought you’d let me know?” Clarke asked meeting her mother’s cold eyes, “Never have you ever let me know when you were going away any other time but conveniently when it’s the anniversary of my father’s death, you’re just letting me know you’re going away with another man.”</p><p>“Oh, don’t read into that much Clarke.” Abby sighed rolling her eyes, “I’m your mother and it’s the responsible thing to let you my child know I won’t be available this weekend.”</p><p>“Whatever, I can’t even be bothered with this.” Clarke sighed exhaustedly before making her way upstairs and shutting herself in her room. Tomorrow she would have to deal with the worst day of her life and the last thing she needed was her mom’s drama adding to it.</p><p>It was hard to believe it was four years ago that she lost the most important person in her life. Jake was the light of the Griffin household, he held everything together so with him gone it was only certain that everything would fall apart. Abby turned evil and vile after losing the love of her life and Clarke was left to pick up the pieces. Thankfully, she had Raven and all of her friends and most importantly she had Lexa.</p><p>Lexa sat with her countless nights as she cried herself to sleep and made sure she ate and showered she pretty much took care of her for months. Without her she couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but last year she didn’t have Lexa to get through it and this year she didn’t either.</p><p>All she had was her memories which seemed like the most dangerous thing to have at a time like this. Sure, she could call Octavia or Raven but her and Raven weren’t fully back to their old friendship yet and Octavia was with Lincoln and she didn’t want to take that from her.</p><p>It was fine she could handle it; her mom would be gone, and she had the whole apartment to herself. She’ll watch all the Audrey Hepburn her brain can take and eat everything single takeout place in a five-mile radius and maybe even paint a little. She could handle this, even if deep down she wished that one person could be here.</p>
<hr/>
<hr/><p>The first month of school was horrible and Lexa suspected the rest of the year to be the same. New York wasn’t how she left it, her life wasn’t how she wanted, and she didn’t know how to even try to get back to that point. She wasn’t drinking or doing drugs she was trying to be better but no matter how much she tried it didn’t make a difference. Every bad influence or person in her phone was deleted including Nia and anyone else she used to party with.</p><p>Lincoln and her barely talked but that was mostly on Lexa, she understood his concern, but she didn’t like his approach. Blackmailing her was not the way to get her to straighten up especially about California which was another night she wanted to block out. It shouldn’t even matter what happened that night because after that she got her shit together. She stopped drinking- everyday and stopped partying and hasn’t since- partied at least.</p><p>The only thing she did anymore was go to school and go home and it was driving her crazy but every time she even thought about going anywhere it’s like Lincoln could read her mind and the last thing she needed was to hear his mouth.</p><p>Now it was Saturday night, and she was in her room watching Lucifer for the hundredth time as everyone else lived their lives. Not that she couldn’t live her life she just needed to figure out how to do that without the bad habits. She contemplated calling Ontari since she too seemed to be on the straight and arrow too but maybe a lifetime of night’s in is what she needed.</p><p>Four episodes in and even Maze couldn’t save her, she decided to take a break from Netflix and raid the kitchen where Anya and Raven were currently making out.</p><p>“Look who it is.” Anya said, seeing the brunette stalk towards the fridge,</p><p>“Don’t mind me.” Lexa mumbled, as happy as she was that her best friend and cousin were happy, she wished they could at least have the decency to keep the cute shit in their private room. “Thought you were going to the movies.”</p><p>“That was three hours ago Lexa.” Raven pointed out holding up her phone showing it was currently 9pm.</p><p>“Oh.” She said before pulling out some leftovers from dinner the night before,</p><p>“Lex, I’m not trying to bring the hammer down on you or anything but you’re kind of worrying me.” Anya stated as she watched the girl eat cold pasta, “You barely come out of your room most of the days unless it’s for school and it’s not like you.”</p><p>“Didn’t you hear I’m barely allowed to breathe let alone leave me room.”</p><p>“If your referring to Lincoln he’s just worried about you, I mean that night in California scared me too.”</p><p>“What night in California?” Raven asked,</p><p>“Nothing.” Lexa said quickly giving Anya a glare, “Don’t worry about me just live your own happy lives.”</p><p>“I want you to live a happy life too.” Anya replied,</p><p>“I’m not capable of that.” Lexa murmured gathering her stuff preparing to take it back to her room when she felt her phone vibrating in her sweats. She prayed it wasn’t Lincoln ‘checking’ in god knows that’s something he would do. But in a strange turn of events, it wasn’t Lincoln at all it was Clarke.</p><p>Clarke who hasn’t spoken to her spoken to her since she got back, Clarke who asked her to stay away, Clarke the love of her life who she missed more than anything in the world, Clarke who she hurt all because she couldn’t handle her own shit.</p><p>“Who is it?” Raven asked noticing the hesitant look on Lexa’s face,</p><p>“It- it’s Clarke.” She managed to say while still staring at the phone, her contact picture was of them kissing during Sophomore homecoming. One of her favorite nights they shared together for many reasons.</p><p>“Aren’t you going to answer it?” Anya said dragging her from her own thoughts,</p><p>Her finger hit the green button and she put the screen to her ear with her eyes pressed shut praying this was her saying she was ready to talk.</p><p>“Clarke?”</p><p>Just by the sound of the blonde’s voice Lexa knew something was wrong, no not wrong she was drunk. This was a drunken call, but the more she listened it seemed like more and then the blonde requested something from her before ending the call leaving Lexa shocked and confused.</p><p>“Well, what did she say?”</p><p>“She- uhm I think she’s drunk.” Lexa sighed, “She’s at The Ark and she said she can’t get home I just- why me?”</p><p>“Do you not know what today is?” Raven asked, her tone dark and Lexa didn’t understand.</p><p>
  <em>It was Saturday, October 7<sup>th</sup>- oh god it was October 7<sup>th</sup> the day Jake died aka the worst day of Clarkes life. </em>
</p><p>“Jake.” Lexa mumbled; Clarke’s dad was special he always treated her like his own daughter which she appreciated especially since her parents are always MIA. He took her to soccer games and taught her how to play tennis. When he died, she was devastated but she knew she needed to be there for Clarke because her dad was her world and Clarke was her best friend.</p><p>“You should go someone like Clarke does not need to be in a place like that.” Raven said, but Lexa wasn’t sure that was a good idea.</p><p>“I think you should go and take her home.” Lexa replied, she didn’t need Lexa she needed a friend.</p><p>“She called you Lexa and plus you’re the only one she ever let comfort her on this day.”</p><p>Lexa knew she was right, but she was scared, scared to see Clarke especially drunk when the blonde’s mouth seem to have no filter, but she knew she needed to do it, it not for Clarke then for Jake. She would pick her up and take her home, easy.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Freshman Year- 1<sup>st</sup> anniversary of Jake’s Death</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“I mean it Lexa I’m fine.” Clarke sighed, slumping into her bed. It was after school and Lexa insisted on coming with her to keep her company but she was fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I never said you weren’t fine Clarke,” Lexa replied as she flipped through the lists of takeout restaurants, “How about Thai, we haven’t had that in a while.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Shouldn’t you be eating Thai food with your girlfriend or something.” Clarke snarked seeing Lexa tense, they never talked about Ontari for obvious reasons, but Clarke couldn’t stop the comment from leaving her lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It wasn’t like Lexa has exactly been available the past few months since she started dating the she devil. Any time she would call she would be with Ontari doing god knows what which was fine. Lexa was free to date anyone she wanted and do whatever she pleased with them, it wasn’t her business, and she didn’t care. Not </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Is it so bad that I want to spend time with my best friend?” Lexa finally asked looking up from the paper and straight into ocean blue eyes, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I never said that.” Clarke mumbled, playing with the covers on her bed nervously, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Good then shut up and tell me your Thai order.” The brunette smiled, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>An hour later and they had enough food to feed a village but knowing them they could finish it all. They sat in bed and laughed and ate until they were full then they snuggled up under the covers and watched whatever trash reality TV was on, tonight it was Housewives. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was only then as they watched middle aged rich women fight over nonsense that the weight of the day actually hit Clarke. A year ago, she lost the most essential person in her life and he was never coming back. he was gone forever, and she had no clue how to live with that. How to live knowing she’ll never see his smile or hear his laugh again. He’ll never see her graduate or go to prom; he won’t be there to walk her down the aisle of her wedding. Everything she did and accomplished she would have to do without him, and she didn’t want to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Clarke?” Lexa sat up after hearing sniffles and feeling wetness on her chest where the blonde was laying. Her face was soaked, and Lexa could feel her heart breaking as she watched the blonde quiver and cry in front of her. “Come here.” She whispered pulling her into her arms where she broke down completely. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I miss him Lex, so much that it hurts.” She managed between sobs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know.” Lexa murmured, running her fingers through blonde locks as she held Clarke as close as humanly possible, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They stayed like that for an hour before Lexa felt Clarke pushing away, her tears had subsided but the hurt and pain was still there. Lexa stared into bloodshot blue eyes watching as Clarke gently grabbed her face and pulling her closer.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Clarke.” She whispered, barely hovering over her lips. “We can’t.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke nodded resting her forehead against the brunettes feeling silent tears stream down her face this time for the girl she knew she could never have. The one she loved and the one she knew loved her and instead of acting on it they both push it down. It was better that way, so they don’t ruin their friendship, that’s what they tell themselves at least.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“How about we turn this into an Audrey Hepburn movie marathon?” Lexa suggested as she pulled back from the blonde’s touch. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The old Hollywood actress was the blondes favorite and even though nothing could ever heal the pain she feeling she knew this would at least cheer her up a little. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You hate old movies.” Clarke said as she wiped her face trying to ignore that Lexa just rejected her, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But you love them, and I love you.” Lexa replied hoping Clarke would understand because she really needed her to. “So where do you want to start?” she asked walking over the blonde’s extensive DVD collection. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Wait Until Dark, obviously.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Obviously.” Lexa shook her head with a smile before popping the disk in and climbing back in bed pulling the blonde into her arms. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you too.” Clarke murmured as the title screen appeared feeling Lexa’s grip tighten around her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This was the worst day of her life, but somehow Lexa seemed to always make her feel better. She always managed to make her forget even if it was just for a second, even if her heart was slowly breaking in the process. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Present</em> </strong>
</p><p>The Ark was packed full of people, but Lexa expected nothing less, it was a popular bar, and it was the weekend. Walking inside gave her chills reminding her of too many nights she had spent there over the years. It was a miracle the place hadn’t shut down with the amount of underage activity that takes places, but this is the upper eat side where money can be thrown at most problems especially when the richest family in New York owns the place.</p><p>She pushed through the crowd scanning the room for Clarke ultimately finding her at the bar. She looked out of it and Lexa wanted nothing more than to get her out of this place.</p><p>Her feet were moving quickly but just as she was about to reach her, she ran into another body knocking her back a little.</p><p>“Shit I’m so-.” Lexa looked up seeing the person whom she just collided with silently cursing herself for not thinking about the group of people who occupied this place. The people she needed to avoid most.</p><p>“Well, if it isn’t sexy Lexi.” The woman smiled, her cold dead eyes racking over the Lexa's body.</p><p>“Nia.” She muttered; her voice filled with venom.</p><p>“Not happy to see me?” She smirked, “If you’re here to party I’m sure we can have some fun together.”</p><p>“I’m not, so please get out of my way.” Lexa said attempting to push past the woman to no avail,</p><p>“What’s the hurry?”</p><p>“Listen Nia, I’m not here to party or buy anything from you so please just get the hell out of my way!”</p><p>“You were way more fun when you were screwing my cousin.” Nia jeered, rolling her eyes. “Speaking of I hear Ontari managed to get you out of a little trouble last year, you have to tell me how you ended up in a cell that night from what I remember we were having a lot of fun.”</p><p>“Fuck you.” Lexa seethed pushing the woman out of her way and beelining towards Clarke,</p><p>“Oh Lexi, cheer up! Don’t be my frenemy we could have so much fun together like old times.” Nia called but Lexa was done listening. The only thing she cared about was Clarke and getting her out of this fucking bar before anyone else comes up to her.</p><p>“Clarke, come on.” She said grabbing the girl who looked way too drunk to even stand,</p><p>“Lex?” she mumbled as the brunette picked her up.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s me, I’m going to get you out of here.”</p><p>Lexa carried the blonde through the crowd and out the doors to her car on the curb. Technically it was her parent’s car, but no one ever drove it, and she didn’t have time to call the driver or get a cab, so she grabbed the keys and took it out of the garage wishing for the best seeing as she wasn’t the greatest driver.</p><p>Gently she sat Clarke in the passenger seat bucking her seat belt before running to the driver’s side and speeding off. Every so often her eyes would drift to the blonde who was laying with her eyes closed but Lexa knew she wasn’t sleep she just didn’t know what to say. She wanted to ask why she would get so drunk in a place like that, but she wasn’t even sure if Clarke knew exactly what went on in The Ark. The blonde had never been a party girl other than the occasional house party and she never drank this much with one exception.</p><p>The only time Lexa’s ever seen Clarke this drunk was the end of the year party Sophomore year, it seems everyone was drunk that night and it only ended in disaster.</p><p>“You’re still a horrible driver.” Clarke mumbled, finally opening her eyes only to stare at the city flying them,</p><p>“I don’t drive much.” Lexa replied, pulling into Clarkes street.</p><p>“You can just drop me off out front.”</p><p>“No way, you can barely walk Clarke.” Lexa said pulling up to the front building handing her keys to the buildings valet before fetching Clarke from the passenger side. Most everyone who worked her building knew who Lexa was from the many years she been there, so they didn’t look twice. The most bizarre thing was probably Lexa being the sober one in the situation which didn’t happen often.</p><p>She could smell the liquor on the blondes breathe as she helped her inside the building and onto the private elevator, pressing the P to take them to the top.</p><p>The ride up was painfully quiet as Lexa held Clarke in her arms feeling her breath  on her neck. It was driving her crazy, she missed being this close to her, she missed feeling her kisses and her hands tracing her back as they laid in bed after sex. She missed her laugh and how her brows crinkle when she trying to mix her paints to make the perfect color. She missed it all so fucking much.</p><p>The elevator dinged and Lexa prayed they wouldn’t run into to Abby, but the apartment seemed vacant thankfully. She carried Clarke up the stairs until she reached the last door at the end of the hall. Her foot kicked it open and she flipped on the lights revealing somewhere she used to spend hours and hours at.</p><p>She laid Clarke on her bed, taking her shoes off and her socks because she knew the blonde hated sleeping in them. For a moment she let her eyes roam the room seeing how different it was compared to a year ago. Where there used to be beautiful paintings were blank walls and instead the string lights that used to hang everywhere there were empty spaces. It was like the light had been snuffed out of leaving only an empty carcass of a room behind.</p><p>Her eyes eventually made it back to the blonde who was already looking at her with shiny eyes.</p><p>“Why would you get that drunk Clarke, especially at a place like that.”</p><p>“You seem to love that place, so I thought I’d give it a try.” Clarke snubbed, wiping stray tears before turning her back so the brunette couldn’t see her face.</p><p>“I know this day is hard but something bad could’ve happened to you there.” Lexa replied, ignoring the blonde’s comment, “Just promise me you won’t go back there.”</p><p>“I don’t have to promise you anything Lexa.”</p><p>Lexa sighed, she wanted to say more she wanted to talk but Clarke was drunk and now wasn’t the time to deal with their issues.</p><p>“Why did call me?” Lexa asks, “Why didn’t you call somebody else like Luna or someone?”</p><p>Clarke didn’t reply instead she sat up on the bed looking over at Lexa who was standing a few feet away. Her cheeks were covered in tears and she was sure her heart was bleeding but she didn’t care. Lexa owed her an explanation, and she was going to get it.</p><p>“Why did you leave?” Clarke asks seeing the brunette freeze at her words, “Why?”</p><p>“Clarke we can talk tomorrow when you’re not drunk, and I will explain everything.”</p><p>“Our friend died; you were there, you found her. She died Lexa and the night of her funeral you left me.” She said ignoring the brunette’s comment, “You left me, I needed you and you left. I fucking hate you!”</p><p>“I know.” Lexa murmured seeing the blonde clumsily walk towards her, but she didn’t move, she couldn’t her body was still,</p><p>“No, you don’t know!” Clarke yelled pushing her, “You have no fucking clue, I woke up and you were gone. I called and waited but you never came back, and you never called. You disappeared out of no where leaving me to try and figure out why you did this, to me, to us. I called you everyday for fours months straight before I realized you were never going to answer. The only reason I knew you were alive was because that’s all Lincoln would tell me. I needed you Lexa, I needed you do fucking much.”</p><p>“I know but I- I was so fucked up Clarke and I want to explain but not like this.”</p><p>“You want to know why I refused to talk to you, it’s because I know no matter what it is, I’ll forgive you. I’ll fall to my knees and forgive you because I love you Lexa, I fucking love you and you left me here! We made a promise, and you broke it, you fucking broke it.” she muttered, “You never loved me.” Clarke said wiping her tears, “You never did-.”</p><p>“Don’t say that!” Lexa interrupted, “I love you so much Clarke it fucking hurts-.”</p><p>“So why did you ruin us?” She yelled pushing the girl again, slapping her chest repeatedly until Lexa grabbed her hands, “I fucking hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”</p><p>Lexa cried seeing the blonde flailing around her as she held her arms from hitting her before the blonde gave up falling against her chest crying and Lexa wrapped her arms around her.</p><p>“I’m so sorry baby.” She whispered to the crying blonde on her chest, “I never meant to turn you into this.”</p><p>“Don’t leave again.” Clarke muttered grabbing the girl closely, Lexa nodded walking them to the bed feeling Clarke cling to her as if she would vanish.</p><p>She laid with a crying Clarke on her chest before she finally fell asleep leaving Lexa to nothing but her thoughts.</p>
<hr/>
<hr/><p>Clarke woke up the next morning with an earth-shattering headache and tear stained cheeks. She laid in bed for a few minutes before remembering the previous nights events. She was home watching movies, but it wasn’t enough to distract her, so she went out to the last place she should’ve been. A part of her hoped Lexa would be there but once she got there and realized she wasn’t the drinks started. There was no telling how much she actually had but she remembered calling Lexa and having her carry her out of the bar. She remembered it all, their fight, the tears, her asking Lexa to stay but as she turned to face the other side of the bed there was nothing but emptiness. <em>Figures.</em></p><p>With a deep breath she sat up stretching her body noticing a bottle of pills and water on her nightstand. Immediately she took them before standing up, her head was a throbbing mess, but she figures its punishment for being an idiot.</p><p>On her way to the bathroom, she walked by her desk seeing a note with her name on it. She knew the handwriting instantly and contemplated just throwing it out but that wasn’t going to happen. Quickly she grabbed the paper taking it to her bed before opening it.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Clarke, </em> </strong>
</p><p><strong> <em>I know everything is so messed up right now and I also know that’s my fault. Seeing how much I hurt you is indescribable, and I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I heard what you said last night, and I  don't expect you just to forgive me, I want to earn it. I want to be someone you deserve, and I can you wholeheartedly say that is not me right now. I want to do better, be better for you and for me. So that’s what I plan to do, before I explain everything, I want to get better I want to fix myself to be that person and I understand if you don’t want to wait for that. If that’s the case, then please call me and I will come over and explain everything. But if even a part of you wants to be with me then I am begging you to allow me to fix this. Either way I want you to know that me leaving wasn’t your fault, I’m fucked up Clarke and at that time I was at my worst. I don’t want to live like that anymore so I’m going to do everything it takes to just be better. In no way am I trying to give you an ultimatum I just want you know that I’m serious about fixing us. I came back to fix what I broke but it took being back here to realize I need to fix myself first. No matter how this turns out please never doubt how much I love you, because I do I always will. And I know how hard the 7<sup>th</sup> is for you because you lost your dad and I wanted to thank you for letting me in your life and allowing me to know someone as amazing as Jake was. I’m so grateful I got to know him, and I know how much he loved you and he would be so proud of you Clarke, I hope you know that. </em> </strong> <strong> <em>-Lexa</em> </strong></p><p>Tears streamed down Clarkes face landing on the words that were still playing in her head but she had no idea what to do with them. She didn’t know what to do, she didn’t know if she should wait and open her heart back up to Lexa or get an explanation and move on. Questions swarmed her mind and the only thing she wanted to think about was life before everything went to hell. Life before her dad and Costia died, life before Lexa left her, she wanted to think about when everything was perfect. So she crawled back in bed, swaddling herself in blankets and forgot about all the bad shit going on instead choosing to relive the good- for today at least.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next chapter might be a full flashback i'm not sure yet- more to come though!<br/>Don't forget to comment and let me know what you think!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Risky Love(Flashback)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Flashback to the beginning of Clarke and Lexa's relationship</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This whole chapter is a flashback! There is a flashback in chapter 2- this takes place a few days after that- for reference it's when Clarke confesses her feelings and Costia interrupts them-</p><p>sorry for mistakes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>I should be over all the butterflies</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>But I'm into you (I'm into you)</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>And baby even on our worst nights</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I'm into you (I'm into you)</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Let 'em wonder how we got this far</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Yeah, after all this time I'm still into you- Still into You by Paramore</em> </strong>
</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>AUGUST 2018- END OF SUMMER BEFORE SOPHMORE YEAR</strong>
</p><p>Lexa was frantically cleaning her room as she waited for Clarke to come over so they could talk. It had been a few days since their almost kiss during the sleepover and they needed to talk about it. It was no secret to them how they felt about each other but years ago they agreed not to act on it. Mostly it was out of fear, if they dated and things went wrong then their friendship would end, and they didn’t want that.</p><p>For Lexa Clarke’s friendship meant everything to her, for years the blonde had been the person who could pick her up and help her through anything especially after Ontari. Her relationship with Ontari was a toxic one fueled by drugs and sex and drinking but through it all Clarke never judged her. Sure, she was critical but rightfully so, the way she was living wasn’t good but now she wanted to do better she just wasn’t sure she could be someone Clarke deserved.</p><p>There was no question in her mind that she loved Clarke, she was pretty sure she fell in love with Clarke the moment they met but Clarke was way too good for her. She was perfect and deserved the best and Lexa knew that wasn’t her, so as bad as she wanted to be with the blonde maybe the best thing to do would be to let her go. Let her feelings simmer until there’s nothing left but an empty carcass while Clarke moves on and marries some successful doctor and has kids and leads a happy life without her. It would hurt but it’s what she has to do.</p><p>“Hey.” A voice said startling Lexa to the point that she dropped all the dirty clothes she had picked up off her floor, “Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s ok.” Lexa smiled, taking in the beautiful blonde in front of her. Her long blonde hair was in waves as usual and she was dressed in shorts and a blur shirt that brought her eyes out perfectly,</p><p>“Willa let me in.” Clarke said as she walked closer to the brunette, “I brought food, it’s in the kitchen.”</p><p>“Then we should eat it.” Lexa murmured, her voice a bit shaky due to the close proximity of the blonde. She was sure Clarke was going to kiss her they were that close, and she was very sure she would let it happen. But she couldn’t- she already decided letting Clarke go was the best and only option.</p><p>“Let’s go.” Clarke finally said before backing away and making her way to the kitchen leaving a nervous Lexa behind.</p><p>She threw the clothes she dropped in the hamper before following after the blonde only now realizing how easy letting Clarke go sounded in her mind because now that she was here, she wanted nothing more than to have to the girl.</p><p>
  <em>This sucked. </em>
</p><p>Lexa ate her food in silence mostly due to the fact that five minutes into eating her mom came into the dining room and started chatting it up with Clarke. Oddly enough she was grateful for the distraction, it gave her time to get her thoughts in order.</p><p>“Are you really thinking of designing again?” Clarke asked the older woman, like Lexa her mom had big green eyes and dark curly hair. They looked a lot alike only Willa had a darker skin tone which Lincoln favored while Lexa had their dads tan olive skin.</p><p>“I think so yes, and old friend of mine asked me to make a wedding dress and ever since my mind has been flooding with ideas.” Willa grinned, “I have a few designs and I’m thinking of doing a fashion show to kick off the launch. You must model for me Clarke.”</p><p>“Oh god no.” Clarke laughed, “I’m not a model.”</p><p>“Nonsense, you’re blonde and curvy and gorgeous! You’d look fabulous walking down a runway, right Ale- Lexa?”</p><p>Lexa nodded not really wanting to get involved although she agreed wholeheartedly with her mother. Clarke was gorgeous and any runway would be lucky to have her on it but that wasn’t Clarke’s vibe.</p><p>What feels like an eternity later Willa finally excused herself leaving only Clarke and Lexa with now empty plates and tension filled air.</p><p>“Seeing you be nervous around me has been quite entertaining.” Clarke smiled breaking their silence and all Lexa could do was stare, “And I know it’s because by now you’ve had too much time to think and you’ve decided you need to let me go.”</p><p>“I-.” Lexa paused not really knowing what to say,</p><p>“But I’m going to save you that conversation and tell you I don’t plan to go anywhere. We’ve spent way too much time running away from each other already and I don’t want to do that anymore Lexa.”</p><p>“Me either.” The brunette murmured, pulling her knees to her chest as she sat in her chair,</p><p>“So then tell me your doubts.” Clarke said moving closer to the girl grabbing her hands that were wrapped tightly around herself like a safety blanket,</p><p>“I’m damaged Clarke, you know me I party and do bad shit and get myself in trouble I can’t bring you into that.”</p><p>“So, don’t.” she replied firmly, “I’m not Ontari, we don’t need to drink and have threesome’s to be happy. I know you, more than I know myself and unlike her I know who you really are. I know you have your issues but so do I Lexa and we can work on that together. I want to be with you because not being with you has been the most painful thing I’ve ever had to endure, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to hold your hand when we walk through the halls at school and go on dates all over the city. I want to kiss you whenever I want, and I want to be the person who makes you happy. I want to be able to tell you I love you and not write it off as being friendly. All you have to do is tell me you want that too and we can have it.”</p><p>“I’m really scared Clarke.” She managed to say, her voice low and unsteady.</p><p>“So am I but I know it’s worth the risk, I know it’s worth our friendship it’s worth everything and I’m willing to take that risk I just need you to take it with me.”</p><p>Lexa knew she should’ve refused; she should’ve told Clarke to run for the hills because that would’ve been doing her a mercy. But the more she stared into those big blue eyes she fell in love with years ago the more her brain told her it was worth the risk. That even though she was damaged good doesn’t mean she’s destined to hurt Clarke. If they went down this road, she would make sure she never hurt Clarke, that even though she knows the blonde deserved better she could also be better. So, without much thought she said the only thing she could, the only thing her mouth was willing to say out loud-</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>A huge smile broke out on the blondes face and seconds later she was diving into the brunette’s arms. Both knew this could end horribly but, in this moment, neither cared especially once their lips touched and they knew there was no going back.</p><p>Clarke straddled the brunette in her chair as their kiss continued, for the moment neither cared until they heard a door close and they realized they were still in the dining room.</p><p>“Don’t mind me.” Willa smirked walking through the room and into the living room, “Just needed this.” She said holding up her phone, “As you were.”</p><p>Today was one of the rare occasions when she saw her mom act like an actual person instead of a robot but either way, she was embarrassed.</p><p>“Can we please go to my room.” She groaned, pressing her face in the blonde’s neck.</p><p>“Yes please.” Clarke smirked, letting out laugh as Lexa lifted her up and carried her to the room where she hoped some very magical things were going to take place.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>A few weeks later Clarke and Lexa decided they should tell their friends they’re together. School started in a few days and they wanted to get it out of the way. Since Lexa’s parents were throwing a party where most of their friends would be along with their parents, they decided to do it then.</p><p>The party was an annual thing Willa and Gustus did at the end of summer before they retreated off to whatever country they chose to spend the next few months leaving their kids in the penthouse. Something Lexa and Lincoln were used to it at this point, when they were younger a full staff was left to ‘care’ for them but now it was just the two of them.</p><p>“Why do you have to do this every year?” Willa groaned, staring down her daughter who was trying desperately to ignore her to no avail,</p><p>“I could ask you the same.”</p><p>Before the woman could reply the door opened revealing Clarke who was dressed in a black cocktail dress that clung to every curve and crevice of her amazing body. Her long locks were secured in a low bun and her makeup was done with precision- not that she needed it.</p><p>“Hi beautiful.” Lexa smiled standing to greet her girlfriend, “You look amazing baby.”</p><p>“I couldn’t agree more.” Willa smiled, “Perfection as always Clarke.” Lexa’s mom was definitely a fan of Clarke, she always had been and when she learned of Lexa and Clarke’s new relationship, she approved not that Lexa needed it.</p><p>“Thank you, Willa.” Clarke smiled, wrapping her arm around Lexa’s waist. She could tell just from Lexa’s face that she walked in on something,</p><p>“Guests will arrive in thirty minutes, perhaps you can talk some sense into my lovely daughter.” Willa grumbled before leaving the pair,</p><p>“What is it that I’m meant to talk you into?” Clarke asked pulling the girl in for a soft kiss,</p><p>“Mother of the year was just telling me the importance of wearing the family color.” Lexa said rolling her eyes, ‘the family color’ as Lexa’s parents called it was red and during a party such as these, they demanded her, and Lincoln wear it, so it shows ‘unity’.</p><p>“You do this every year.” Clarke giggled, “Why don’t just wear it instead picking a fight with your mom.”</p><p>“Why should I help them sell a lie to all their friends and business partners. There is nothing united about this family. As soon as they last guest leaves they’ll be on a flight to god knows where while their kids are here taking care of themselves as usual.” Lexa huffed, usually she never let her parents bother her but moments like this made her realize just how alone her and Lincoln were because of them.</p><p>“I know baby.” Clarke sighed sitting on the brunette’s lap, “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”</p><p>Lexa shrugged pulling the blonde closer,</p><p>“I still have you that’s all I care about.” She smiled,</p><p>“You always will.” Clarke replied giving her a kiss before walking towards the girl huge walk-in closet.</p><p>Lexa laid back on the bed waiting for the blonde to reappear,</p><p>“Ok, how about you wear these black pants and Black button up with your red Doc Martens.” Clarke suggested and Lexa couldn’t help but smile, her girlfriend- resident peacekeeper.</p><p>“Trying to please my mother?” Lexa asked, quirking her brow.</p><p>“Can’t have her hating me, now can I?” Clarke smirked, “Get dressed and we can discuss how we plan to tell our friends about us.”</p><p>Clarke was nervous, it’s not that she thought they would be against them being together in fact she thought the opposite. Their friend group was small and tight knit, they loved each other a lot so if her and Lexa were happy, they would be happy for them. The only one Clarke was nervous about was Costia, in the last year they had really built up their friendship and she didn’t want to ruin that. She knew Lexa was oblivious to Costia’s crush even though it was clear as day. Costia has never made a move but they all knew and now Clarke was with her and she didn’t know how the girl would react.</p><p>“What do you think?” Lexa asked, dragging the blonde from her thoughts and onto her stunning girlfriend.</p><p>“Only you can make an outfit as simple as this look this good.”</p><p>“Don’t even get me started on this dress, you know what you in black does to me.” Lexa said flipping the attention of the blonde, “I mean fuck Clarke, I can’t even think straight right now.”</p><p>“Mhmm, I’m glad I have that affect on you.” The blonde smirked, pulling the brunette towards the bed, “We still have a little time before people arrive, if this is your reaction with the dress on then I can’t wait to see it once it’s off.”</p><p>Clarke pushed the brunette on the bed before climbing on top of her and pulling her into a searing kiss. A minute in and she could already feel Lexa’s bulge pushing against her center, practically begging to be free.</p><p>“Fuck Clarke.” Lexa moaned feeling the girl press against her, her head was spinning, and she knew she needed to stop this before someone walked in. Clarke’s lips were on her neck and her thought were clouded but once she heard a zipper, she knew she needed to stop. “Baby wait, as much as I want to continue this now probably isn’t the best time.”</p><p>“Ok.” Clarke mumbled, pulling the zipper to her dress back up and letting Lexa go fix her ‘situation’ as she called it.</p><p>She understood why Lexa was pulling back but in the few weeks they’ve been together that seemed to be all she was doing. Anytime something got heated Lexa would stop it and Clarke didn’t understand why the queen of everything sex didn’t want to rip her clothes off when she has the chance. Was it her? Was she not attracted to her and only complimented her out of some sort of girlfriend duty?</p><p>She walked over to the floor length mirror looking herself over, her bun was a little messy, so she let out her hair letting the waves cascade down her back. Her makeup was still perfect besides her lipstick which was nearly gone.</p><p>“God how did I get this lucky?” Lexa asked as she admired the blonde from the bathroom door,” You’re so beautiful baby.”  </p><p>“So are you.” Clarke murmured looking at the brunette’s reflection through the mirror, they definitely were attracted to each other, so it had to be something else. “We need to talk about what were going to say to our friends.” She added, opting to put the sex talk on the back burner.</p><p>“I’ve been thinking about that.” Lexa replied walking over to the blonde and pulling her into her arms, “You’re thinking about it too much, do you really think they’ll care?”</p><p>“You don’t?”</p><p>“How we feel about each other hasn’t exactly been a secret over the years Clarke.” She smiled, “They’ll be happy for us.”</p><p>Clarke knew that was true but Costia was still a factor and hurting her was the last thing she wanted to do.</p><p>“I know.” She said finally,</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.” Clarke smiled, god this girl was her weakness.</p><p>“Now let’s join the outside world before my mother comes here again and says something annoying."</p><hr/><p>The party was in full swing as all of Willa and Gustus’s friends filled their penthouse as well as Lexa and Lincoln’s close friends. Champagne was flowing and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Clarke decided it was best to keep all PDA to a minimum until they could tell everyone they were together. That proved to be hard after spending weeks cuddled up together, every so often she would feel Lexa grab her hand and she would pull away. Once it was in front of Costia and she was sure her heart stopped. They really needed to tell them, so she was happy when Lexa told her she gathered them in the game room.</p><p>“This seems serious.” Octavia said breaking the silence,</p><p>“Is everything good?” Lincoln asked from beside her.</p><p>Clarke stared out at everyone nervously playing with her bracelet, in the room was Raven, Costia, Octavia, Lincoln, Emori, Murphy and Finn Raven’s idiot boyfriend. All people they’ve known for forever, but Clarke was a nervous wreck.</p><p>Lexa stood from her chair seeing that Clarke wasn’t going to speak first, she really didn’t know why the blonde was so nervous. Their friends wouldn’t care, and she wouldn’t be surprised if some of them already knew.</p><p>“So.” Lexa said as she walked over to Clarke’s seat, “We just wanted to tell you guys that we’re dating.” She said bluntly and the room stilled,</p><p>Clarke’s eyes darted to Costia who seemed neutral, if she was hurt, she wasn’t showing it. Finally, after a few seconds someone spoke,</p><p>“Alright everyone owes me twenty.” Raven beamed and everyone else groaned murmuring about being off by a year and I should’ve knowns,</p><p>“What is happening?” Clarke asked,</p><p>“Well, we all bet you two would get together before the end of high school and lucky me picked sophomore year.” Raven cheered collecting her money,</p><p>“I said Freshman year, so I lost ages ago.” Emori sighed,</p><p>“I said Junior.” Murphy huffed,</p><p>“We said Junior too, but we’ve also known you two were together for the past two weeks.” Octavia said shocking Lexa and Clarke,</p><p>“How?” Lexa asked,</p><p>“Well, I sort of live here and we saw you making out on the couch one night when we came home.” Lincoln smiled,</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Octavia smirked, “But now that you two have confessed we can tell you how happy we are for you.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah we all are but could you not have waited another year?” Murphy asked earning a smack from Emori,</p><p>“Either way we’re happy for you.” Emori adds,</p><p>“We all are.” Raven smiled,</p><p>“Are you just happy because you won or because you love us?” Lexa asked the girl who shrugged,</p><p>“Both.”</p><p>“I’m happy for you guys too.” Costia said with a smile that seemed genuine, but Clarke still wanted to talk to her at a later time,</p><p>“Thanks Cos.” Lexa smiled, “Now that’s out of the way how about we go drink some overpriced champagne.”</p><p>“As long as it’s a $300 hundred dollar bottle.” Murphy joked,</p><p>“It’s $400, what are we barbarians?” Lexa mocked,</p><p>“Only the best for the Fox family.”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>The rest of the evening was spent sneaking drinks and making fun of their pretentious parents. As expected, when the last guest left Gustus was shuffling their bags to the entry way.</p><p>“We’ll be back in November.” Gustus said to his kids who were only half listening,</p><p>“We know the drill at this point.” Lincoln scoffed,</p><p>“We’ll call when we land.” Willa added,</p><p>“And once a month after that we know.” Lexa replied,</p><p>“Right well-.”</p><p>Whatever was said after that neither of them heard since they were halfway back to their rooms where their girlfriend’s awaited.</p><hr/><p>A few days later Lexa set up a date for her and Clarke in a private garden she managed to rent out for the night. She can’t cook although that would’ve added to the romantic factor, but she got Clarke’s favorite from Polis- a high end restaurant in Manhattan. Everything needed to be perfect, she wanted Clarke to know she was serious about them. Her reputation was not good by any means, but she knew the blonde saw passed that, this wasn’t like her other relationships. This one meant everything to her, and she wanted to make sure Clarke knew that.</p><p>“Baby I can’t believe you did this.” Clarke gushed taking in their surroundings, flowers of every color enveloped them, and the sun was setting beautifully around them. She did have to suffer Lexa’s horrendous driving to get here but she was in awe.</p><p>“You deserve nothing but the best.” Lexa was beaming as she watched Clarke take in everything. She knew the artist in her wanted nothing more than to paint the scene and that’s why she came prepared.</p><p>She excused herself to the car to grab all of the supplies she picked up earlier that day. She was not an artist and had no clue about different paints or canvas’s but the worker’s helped her.</p><p>“I figured you’d want to capture the view.” She said before sitting all the supplies down.</p><p>Clarke stared at them recognizing the brand as an expensive one and it was enough stuff to last months. There were at least fifteen different paint colors and a few mini canvas’s, it was all perfect.</p><p>“This isn’t right is it?” Lexa asked insecurely, “The lady told me this was all good stuff, I can take it back and get different stuff or if you just want to go and pick everything out. Or maybe this wasn’t a good idea-.”</p><p>Clarke cut off the rambling girl with a kiss before pulling her into a hug,</p><p>“It’s all perfect Lexa, thank you.”</p><p>“Your welcome.” She smiled widely, “We can eat first if you want?”</p><p>“Are there people around here?” Clarke asked,</p><p>“No, I rented the entire place. There are workers of course but they won’t bother us.”</p><p>“Good.” Clarke said before reconnecting their lips and pushing the taller girl onto the ground before straddling her,</p><p>The kiss was messy and needy, but Clarke didn’t care, they continued on like that until Clarke took her shirt off leaving her in a very sexy practically see-through black lace bra.</p><p>“Clarke.” Lexa mumbled, taking in the view, and also feeling herself becoming hard, “We should stop,”</p><p>“Maybe you aren’t attracted to me.” Clarke muttered, moving to stand up Lexa following,</p><p>“What, why would you say that?” Lexa asked, Clarke’s back was to her as she put her shirt back on,</p><p>“Because every time we make out or do anything remotely close to having sex you pull away.” Clarke replied, “I know I’m not as experienced as you’re used to and-.”</p><p>“I’m going to stop you right there.” Lexa interrupted, forcing the blonde to face her and the expression on her face almost broke her, “You are the most attractive person to me Clarke, I love you and I’m sorry for making you feel that way baby. Being experienced has nothing to do with it, you know I’ve had a lot of sex but none of that meant anything to me. No one I slept with ever meant anything more than a distraction and you mean way more to me than that. I want to do everything right; I want to get rose pedals and candles and make it special for us.”</p><p>“Lexa you know I don’t care about that stuff as long as we together.”</p><p>“I know, but I still want to do it.” she smiled, “I want to be romantic and treat you like a queen because that’s what you are to me. I’ve never done this type of thing before, but I want you to know that I’m trying, and I want it to be perfect.”</p><p>“You have been perfect, being with you has been more than I dreamed it would be.” Clarke stated, leaning into Lexa’s touch. “I’m sorry for being crazy.”</p><p>“You have nothing to apologize for, I should be apologizing for making you have doubts. I should’ve explained but I do hope you will let me plan a very over the top romantic night for us.”</p><p>“How over the top are we talking?” Clarke smirked, “Candles and Roses?”</p><p>“That and chocolate covered strawberries, maybe even a heart shaped bed.”</p><p>“Mhmm, I guess I could be down for that.”</p><p>“You guess huh?” Lexa laughed, </p><p>“I’m definitely down for that.” Clarke said giving her a soft kiss before pulling away, “Let’s eat.”</p><p>A very amazing meal later and Clarke was laying in Lexa’s arms as they watched the stars dance above them. Clarke didn’t have time to paint the sunset, but Lexa said they would come back another day, so she was happy with that.</p><p>“Lex.” Clarke whispered, snuggled in the brunette’s embrace.</p><p>“Hm?” she hummed,</p><p>“Promise me this is forever, no matter what.”</p><p>“I promise.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next chapter will be present maybe with a flashback, also i've been trying to find songs that fit the vibe of this story if you have some ideas comment them!!!!</p><p>Thank you for reading make sure to comment it lets me know you guys are still interested!!!!!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Homecomings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Lexa and Ontari are strictly friends keep that in mind!<br/>sorry for mistakes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>We pretend that we just don't care</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>But we care</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>(But what will we do when we're sober?)- Sober by Lorde</strong> </em>
</p><hr/><p>It had been a week since Clarke’s drunken night of despair, and she was still trying to forget it. Getting drunk was stupid enough but going to The Ark was pure idiotic. The types of people who went there were shady and she was lucky nothing happened to her before Lexa got there.</p><p>Lexa, that was another thing. She had no intentions of calling her that night, but Lexa was the one who usually got her through that day, and she had a momentary lapse of judgement. Up until that point Lexa had been avoiding her because she asked her to, but she wanted an explanation so her drunken self-decided she was going to get one.</p><p>Obviously, things didn’t happen that way and the next day she woke up with a hangover and letter she couldn’t stop reading. No matter how many times she read it, she couldn’t figure out what to do. On one hand she wanted to go to Lexa and demand answers but on the other she wanted to give Lexa the time she asked for because no matter how much she knows she should just take the explanation and move on, she can’t. Every single bone in her body is telling her to run to her even when her brain is saying the opposite.</p><p>She could wait for Lexa to do whatever it is she has to and when it comes time for her to explain she can go from there. If the explanation isn’t good enough, she’ll be done, she’ll move on because she has to even if she doesn’t want to. That is what she will do<em>, it’s settled</em>.</p><p>Now she needed to focus on herself and school and maybe even fixing a few problems of her own.</p><p>Class started in fifteen minutes, so she wrapped up any remaining thoughts at her locker, vowing to leave everything not school related here and not think about it for the remainder of the day.</p><p>“Hi Clarke.” Luna smiled leaning against some neighboring lockers,            </p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>“Luna.” Clarke said as she grabbed her English notes and math book before shutting her locker,</p><p>“You look beautiful today.” The girl smiled,</p><p>“Thank you, Luna.”</p><p>“So, I was wondering what time I should pick you up this weekend.”</p><p>“For what?” Clarke asked trying to figure out when the hell they made plans seeing as she’s been trying to avoid her at all cost,     </p><p>“Homecoming silly.” Luna laughed, “Remember we planned to go together, I bought our tickets so I was just wondering when I should pick you up.”</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, how the hell did I forget I agreed to that? Dammit, granted that was two months ago before her life became even more of a shit show but still. Ok, it’s fine I can just say I changed my mind or that I’m not going at all. But fuck I have to go; I’m literally chair of the fucking committee. DAMMIT! </em>
</p><p>“Seven.” Clarke finally said, deciding she needed to keep her word after homecoming she can cut all ties with the girl.</p><p>“Perfect.” Luna replied, “What color are you wearing?”</p><p>“Uh, I honestly have no clue, but I’ll text you.” She replied before hurrying towards the direction of her first class,  </p><p>
  <em>Fuck                        </em>
</p><hr/>
<hr/><p><br/>A week, that’s how long it’s been since Lexa decided to take her recovery seriously. There have been no drinking, no drugs, no bad influences of any sort and for once she was actually trying to get her shit together. It was definitely hard especially when she was alone. Being alone was like a trigger for her and back when she had Clarke she never felt alone. But she was also learning she couldn’t rely on anyone else to keep her in check. She had to want this for herself and she had to try and so she was.</p><p>Instead of spending everyday hauled in her room she made more of an effort to get out. It started with the gym which she does every day after school, then she started doing other things as simple as seeing a movie or going for a walk or even reading at a park. Anything that gets her out of the house and helps her not only clear her mind but sort through her thoughts as well.</p><p>She was even considering calling her aunt and talking about a therapist something she had suggested in California, but Lexa declined. When she was in California, she didn’t want help, she wanted to spiral, and it went too far but now finally she wanted to be helped.</p><p>The thought of talking to a stranger about all the ways she fucked up her life the past 17 years did sound daunting, but it was something to think about. For now, she would keep on the same path and all would be well.  </p><p>School was one of the things she focused a lot on, she had never been one to have bad grades but the first month of school she slacked off. To the point where she had to meet with the headmistress who basically told her to get her shit together and raise her grades. Since it was still the beginning of the year that was doable, and she vowed she would bring everything back up. The only thing in her way was the stupid lockers she could never seem to open. </p><p>“Lexa.”</p><p>Lexa dropped her lock looking up to meet dark eyes surrounded in black eyeshadow,</p><p>“Ontari.” She replied before going back to trying to open her damned locker,</p><p>“Roan told me he saw a certain green-eyed beauty walk into his bar last weekend.” Ontari said grabbing the combination from the brunette and opening the lock easily, “What the hell were you doing at The Ark, I told you to stay away from Azgeda.”</p><p>“I didn’t go there to party Ontari so relax.” Lexa huffed getting what she needed out of her locker before shutting it,</p><p>“Then why were you there Lexa?”</p><p>“Clarke called me and asked me to come and get her, she was drunk.”</p><p>“He said he saw you with a blonde, but I couldn’t imagine barbie in The Ark.” Ontari said in a surprised tone, “He also said he saw you talking to Nia, what did she say?”</p><p>“Nothing that she hasn’t said before,” Lexa sighed, this is the last thing she wanted to talk about.</p><p>Ontari sighed leaning back against the lockers,</p><p>“I’m sorry I even introduced you to any of this, especially to her.” She huffed,</p><p>“You didn’t, if you hadn’t noticed I was already a mess before you came along.” Lexa smiled,</p><p>“But I ruined you.”</p><p>“No more than I ruined you I’d guess.” She shrugged, wrapping her arm around the girl neck before walking in the direction of their shared class, “But we’re trying to do better remember?”</p><p>“Easier said than done it seems.” Ontari sighed, “I’m in the middle of every bad habit that has ruined my life, I’m starting to think there is no escape.”</p><p>Lexa knew that was true, Ontari’s family was a complicated one and no matter of her past with her she didn’t want the girl to end up like Nia or worse.</p><p>“We’re going to do better T; we’ll do it together. I won’t let you fall off and you won’t let me, deal?”</p><p>Ontari nodded with a smile before leaning into the girl’s arms,</p><p>“I don’t think we’ve ever been this nice to each other.” Ontari said with a smile, “Not even when we dated.”</p><p>Lexa racked her brain for a happy moment she shared with the girl that wasn’t a drug infused daze but there weren’t many, if any.</p><p>“Stop trying to think, you’ll get a headache.” Ontari snarked,</p><p>“We were sort of bitchy huh?” Lexa smiled,</p><p>“We practically invented the term.”</p><p>“Well then it’s official, the resident party girls of the upper east side are turning over a new leaf.” She smirked,</p><p>“It’s official, hell has frozen over.”</p><hr/><p>It was the day before homecoming and Lexa was starting to feel left out of the whole thing. This was her last year of high school and she wanted to do all of these stupid events and it wasn’t like she couldn’t, but things were different. She knew her friends would all be hanging out and she didn’t want to make Clarke uncomfortable seeing as they haven’t really talked since that night. She didn’t know if that was a good thing or not but either way, she knew they would all be together, and it would be weird.</p><p>There was the option of going alone but that was too depressing to even think about. She could also ask someone but going with a stranger sounded just as awful as going alone. Having to entertain some girl for hours is something her old self would’ve done but now she wasn’t the least bit interested.</p><p>Then there was the option to go with someone she knew and that when she got an idea. After her last class she raced to the girl’s locker hoping to catch her and luckily, she did.</p><p>“Hi.” Lexa said trying to catch her breath.</p><p>“Uh, hey.” Ontari replied, closing her locker.</p><p>“Are you going to homecoming?”</p><p>“No, you know school gatherings don’t fit my grunge, not like the other girls’ persona.”</p><p>“Will you go with me?”</p><p>“What?” she asked, taken aback by the offer.</p><p>“It’s our senior year and I don’t want to miss events like this, plus going with my friends is a no go so I thought we could go together.”</p><p>“Oh, so you’re using me, so you don’t have to be around Griffin.” She snarked,</p><p>“No-.”</p><p>“Don’t worry as you recall I love to be used.” Ontari smirked seeing the girl roll her eyes,</p><p>“Not what I meant and for the record I’m not using you. “Lexa replied, “I just thought since we’re each other’s sober buddies it would be fun to go together.”</p><p>Hmm.” Ontari hummed thinking her options through, “Fine, what the hell else do I have to do on a Saturday night right?”</p><p>“Thank you, T.,” Lexa smiled hugging the girl, “What color are you going to wear?”</p><p>“Like you even have to ask.” She smirked, “I’ll give you a hint, you used to love me in it.”</p><p>“Stop flirting.”</p><p>“God, you really are no fun these days.” She joked,</p><p>They worked out the all the details before parting ways and Lexa decided to walk home. It was beautiful and fall was in full swing as the New York trees turned beautiful shades and orange and red. Fall was her favorite season and she missed it while she was in California. Majority of the time it was hot but there was times where they would visit San Francisco where the weather can be a bit chilly and those were her favorite days.</p><p>When she arrived home, she noticed Lincoln in the living room watching some movie, but she ignore him. They still had yet to talk since their fight, and it made things awkward in the house. She knew she should just talk to him, but she was stubborn luckily, he wasn’t.</p><p>“How are you?” Lincoln asks as he stood at the threshold of his sisters’ door,</p><p>“Fine.” She replied before walking into her closet, she had no clue what she would even wear to the dance. Maybe Anya could help her when she got home.</p><p>“I really don’t like how it’s been lately.” Lincoln said following her into the closet,</p><p>“Listen Lincoln, I heard what you said, and I am trying. I want to do better, and I am, I haven’t drank since the night of the party and I haven’t did anything more. I love you and I know you’ve sacrificed a lot for me and I’m sorry, but I don’t plan on going back down that road again.”</p><p>“I’m happy that you are trying.” He smiled, “I’ve noticed a difference.”</p><p>“I’m not doing this, so you’ll notice a difference, and I want you to know I’m not doing it because you threatened me either I’m doing it for me.”</p><p>“I’m sorry that I threatened you.” He sighed, “I just-.”</p><p>“I know.” She interrupted turning back to the dress shirts she had started combing through,</p><p>“Are you going somewhere?”</p><p>“Homecoming.”</p><p>Oh, Anya said you weren’t.”</p><p>“I wasn’t but then I decided I wanted to, so I asked Ontari to come with me.”</p><p>Lincoln laughed bitterly causing Lexa to stop and face him,</p><p>“It’s like you take one step forward and two steps back, you’re going to the dance with the person who introduced you to drugs and drinking.” He scoffed,</p><p>“She didn’t introduce me to anything.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Maybe you only started noticing when I started dating her.” Lexa said back, “Maybe I’ve just been fucked up for years.”</p><p>“Either way you shouldn’t be hanging out with her Lexa!” he yelled, “Did last year teach you nothing, she’s trouble and everyone around her is too or do you need to end up in a cell again to realize that?”</p><p>“That had nothing to do with Ontari.” She sighed, “I know I don’t have the best track record, but I know what I’m doing, you’re not my dad Lincoln you’re my brother so please stop acting like it. We won’t be drinking or anything else, we’re going to a school dance and that’s it. We both are trying not to do those things anymore.”</p><p>“And if it blows up in your face?”</p><p>“It won’t, please Lincoln I am asking you to trust me. I know I don’t deserve it but I’m asking you to please.” She begged, “For weeks I have done nothing, and I just want to enjoy what’s left of our high school life, the right way.”</p><p>Lincoln huffed, he wanted to believe her he wanted to think she was trying to be better, but it wasn’t easy. There have been so many times where he thought she was serious about getting better and it blew up in his face.</p><p>“Please, please don’t let me down Lex. I can’t do California again- I thought- I just I need you-.”</p><p>“I know.” Lexa mumbled; California was not up for discussion not right.</p><p>“Just be careful Lexa.” He murmured before leaving the room all together,</p><p>
  <em>Alright now an outfit. </em>
</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>Saturday- Homecoming</strong> </em>
</p><p>It was currently 6:30 which meant Clarke has thirty minutes to prepare herself for a night full on Luna. She wasn’t excited about it and if time machines were real, she would go back a slap herself for even agreeing to it. Granted when she did, she thought differently of Luna. She thought she was a nice girl who was helping her through a tough time but after the party all she could feel was used. The way the girl kissed her in front of Lexa made her second guess everything. Was she actually trying to help or was this some game to claim something Lexa once had. She knew Lexa and Luna had some weird enemy feud going on, but she never imagined she would be a pawn in it and after tonight she wouldn’t. She would go to the dance with Luna because she agreed to it but after tonight, she was done. There would be no friendship and definitely nothing beyond that, the last thing she needed was drama.</p><p>She looked over herself smoothing down the fabric of her tight black dress, her hair was in curls down her back and everything was perfect. Well, everything looked perfect, but nothing felt perfect. The last homecoming, she went to was Sophomore year with Lexa and it was one of the best nights of her life. Everything that day was truly perfect, and that night was even more amazing.</p><p>Her thoughts were cut short by the ringing of her phone, it was a text from Luna saying she was downstairs. With one last look in the mirror, she took a deep breath and made her way downstairs.</p><p>“Clarke.”</p><p>“Mom.” She sighed seeing the older woman sitting in the living room, “I was just leaving.”</p><p>“Where are you going?” Abby asks and to Clarkes surprise there is no snarky tone or bitchy attitude attached,</p><p>“Uh, homecoming.”</p><p>“Oh.” Abby said, taking a second to look over her daughter. “Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>“Is that a real question?” Clarke snarked trying to figure out what the hell was happening.</p><p>“You look lovely, Clarke.” She complimented opting to ignore the response, “Maybe tomorrow we can talk if you are not busy.”</p><p>“Talk?” Clarke asks skeptically,</p><p>“Yes.” Abby nodded, “Have a good time tonight Clarke.” She smiled before walking into the kitchen leaving a gaping Clarke in her wake.</p><p>Her mom- the one who’s barley spoken to her in the past four years since her father’s death wants to talk.</p><p>Before her mind could even fall down the rabbit hole, she pushed it aside, that was tomorrow’s problem no matter how curious she was.</p><p> When she exited her apartment building Luna was waiting outside of what looked to be a town car. She knew Luna was not the type to ride around chauffeured so there was no doubt this was for her benefit even though she would’ve been fine in a cab.</p><p>“You look beautiful Clarke.” Luna complimented, she herself was dressed in a black lacy dress with a pink flower in hand.</p><p>“You do too.” Clarke smiled, accepting a flower from the girl, “Shall we?”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>“Woo!” Ontari yelled a huge grin on her face, “Lookin hot Fox!”</p><p>Lexa smiled making her way to the girl’s car, Anya who took full advantage of her asking for fashion advice decided to drag her into every store within a five-mile radius until she found the perfect outfit. Which turned out to be a black romper with mesh sleeves and black booties to go with. Lexa wasn’t opposed to wearing dresses and skirts but for the most part she stuck to shorts and pants and if she wore heels, they were very low or boots. Today she actually felt like she looked good in the romper, so she was satisfied with Anya’s choice.</p><p>Her long dark curls were up in a high ponytail and she had red lips and earrings to match Ontari.</p><p>“You look amazing as well.” Lexa smiled, “Wearing the color of you victims I see.”</p><p>“You know me so well.” Ontari smirked, she was dressed in skintight bodycon dress in her signature red color. “Ready to go enjoy our totally normal high school event where we plan to have the upmost fun with no help from our good friend vodka and her cousin cocaine.”</p><p>“You didn’t have to put it that way but yes I am ready.”</p><hr/><p>When they arrived at the venue it was already filled to the brim with dancing teens, granted they were almost two hours late after deciding to stop at a pizza place at Lexa’s request then Ice Cream. Late or not she had no regrets, the food was amazing and it’s not like they missed anything.</p><p>“You know I’ve never been to one of these.” Ontari said as they walked towards the bar, which was serving kid friendly drinks only,</p><p>“That’s not true, we went freshman year.”</p><p>“We were going to go freshman year, but we never made it out of the bedroom.”</p><p>“Oh.” Lexa mumbled, taking a seat on the barstool, “Well, tonight we’ll make the most of it.” she smiled looking around, everything reminded her of the homecoming she spent with Clarke. That night was amazing, their relationship was still so new, and they were so in love. For the first Lexa had felt ok in herself and in her life but now everything was different. But different didn’t have to mean bad, she was going to have fun tonight.</p><p>And that’s when she saw them.</p><p>Luna fucking Atwater and<em><strike> her</strike></em> Clarke sitting with their other friends, she didn’t expect Clarke to go alone but she didn’t understand this thing she had with Luna. And if she was here with Luna did that mean she wasn’t going to wait for her?</p><p>She knew Clarke had read her letter, but they hadn’t had any communication since and Lexa took that as a good sign. She assumed that meant she would wait but maybe not, and even though that hurt she didn’t fault Clarke at all. All she could do was respect her choice because this was her fault in the first place and even if she can never have Clarke again, she wanted the girl to be happy.</p><p>“Why exactly aren’t you and Clarke together?” Ontari asked seeing the brunette staring longingly at the blonde, “Clearly you want to be.”</p><p>“I messed everything up.” Lexa sighed, tearing her eyes from the couple instead focusing on the shiny wood of the bar top. “She deserves better than me anyways.”</p><p>“I think you’re pretty great.” She smiled nudging the girl, “Lex you need to realize your self-worth. In the past you made mistakes, but you are trying to fix it that should count for something right?”</p><p>“I guess.” She huffed swirling the straw in her sprite that she was wishing was mixed with vodka,</p><p>“Ok, no more moping.” Ontari declared, “You dragged me here the least you could do is show me a good time.”</p><p>“How should I do that?” Lexa asked, a smile creeping onto her face.</p><p>“Well Casanova, how about a dance?” she smirked holding her hand out, and Lexa took it allowing herself to be dragged into the crowd.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Homecoming sucked and more than anything Clarke wanted to be home in bed watching Audrey Hepburn films and ordering take out. The dance itself was fine, the decorations were perfect, and the music was bomb but everything else just reminded her of when she was here with Lexa.</p><p>The way they danced and kissed, thinking about it she could almost feel the exact things she felt that night. The butterflies when Lexa would smile at her or twirl her around during a slow dance. The way Lexa’s hands felt on her body when they danced, everything felt cosmic but now it was nothing more than a memory and it sucked.</p><p>All of her friends were dancing and laughing, and she watched from the table, Luna had asked her to dance but she politely declined. In all fairness the girl had been very nice and a gentlewoman all night but Clarke still couldn’t shake the feeling she was being used. But that didn’t matter, after tonight they’d go their separate ways and none of this would matter. All she had to do was get through tonight, and just when she thought that would be easy, she saw them.</p><p>Ontari and Lexa, dancing very closely with big stupid grins that made her heart sink. What was she doing here with her and why the fuck do they look so happy?</p><p>It was then where her mind started to spiral, maybe Lexa’s letter was bullshit, maybe she hasn’t changed one bit and is back to being party girl fox who sleeps around and doesn’t give a fuck about anything. Maybe it was delusional to think Lexa actually wanted to fix things, or maybe she was just stupid enough to believe someone who left her in the middle of the night and didn’t return until a year later.</p><p>“They’re just friends.” A voice says, interrupting the blonde’s thoughts she turned to see Anya sitting next to her,</p><p>“Why would they be friends?” Clarke asks deciding to skip the part where she acts like she doesn’t care because she does,</p><p>“Apparently they talked out their differences and both of them are trying to be all good and shit.” Anya shrugged,</p><p>“That sounds like the worst idea ever, two party girls trying to sober up together.” Clarke said before adding, “Do you believe that?”</p><p>“I believe Lexa.” Anya nodded, “She’s actually been doing a lot better the past couple of weeks, this time I can tell she’s really trying. It’s a far comparison from her in California I can tell you that.”</p><p>“What was she like there?”</p><p>“Honestly?” Anya asked and Clarke nodded hesitantly, “She was a mess, she was never sober and when she was it was for school so she wouldn’t fail. It got really bad about six months ago and I think that’s when she realized she couldn’t continue on the way she was. Plus my mom was not having it anymore so she straightened up as mush as she could I guess and then she decided to come back here. She claims she went to California to get better but I think running made everything worse.”</p><p>“Do you-.”</p><p>“Know why she left New York?” Anya finished getting a nod from Clarke, “No, at first I thought it was because of what happened to your friend Costia, but it seems like way more than that. Have you not asked her?”</p><p>“It’s complicated.” Clarke sighed, “I got drunk and things got messy and I woke up the next morning with a note from her asking me to wait for her to get better before she explained everything.”</p><p>“And you don’t want to do that?” Anya asked,</p><p>“I don’t know, I want her to get better I just- I’m so mad that she left me, and I love her still despite it… I want an explanation, but I don’t know what I’ll do with it once I have it.” she sighed, “What if I forgive her too easily?”</p><p>“If you choose to hear Lexa out you have the right to decide if you don’t want to be with her or even if you need time to yourself. I know it feels like the ball is in her court but it’s in yours. You are in control over how this plays out, she left for a year with no explanation, you are allowed to not accept it or even to demand time to process. Don’t ever feel like you need to forgive her unless you genuinely do, and don’t rush into just take time to process and everything will workout the way it’s supposed too.”</p><p>Clarke digested Anya’s word as if they were from the bible itself, she what she was saying was true, but it took hearing them to realize it.</p><p>“Aren’t you supposed to be on Lexa’s side?” Clarke asks and Anya shrugs,</p><p>“My cousin is an idiot, and you deserve more I just hope she can be that one day for you.” Anya smiled, “You know, Lexa’s told me a lot about you over the years and I was excited to meet you and you definitely don’t disappoint Clarke Griffin.” She said with a wink before rejoining her friends on the dance floor leaving Clarke to a sea full of thoughts.</p><p>Homecoming was dwindling and Clarke decided she would call it an early night after they announce homecoming. She made her way into the crowd to stand with her friends who were all excited because Octavia and Lincoln were nominated so when their names were called everyone went crazy. Clarke could even see Lexa happily clapping for her brother which made her smile. Everyone was happy and even if she wasn’t it was nice to see it.</p><p>After watching Lincoln and Octavia’s first dance as homecoming king and queen she decided it was time for her to go.</p><p>“Hi.” She said walking up to Luna who was pouring herself a drink,</p><p>“Hey, I was getting ready to bring you these.” She smiled holding up two cups,</p><p>“Thank you, Lu, but I was actually coming to tell you I’m going to head out early.”</p><p>“Oh.” Luna said disappointedly which Clarke didn’t miss, “Ok, let me grab our bags.”</p><p>“No, please you should stay and enjoy the dance.”</p><p>“What kind of date would I be if I let you get a cab home alone.” Luna smiled before walking off to get their things,</p><p>Clarke decided it was best not to fight it instead going to say bye to her friends who tried to convince her to stay but she was already out of the door. Once they were in the town car it was quiet and uncomfortable to say the least so when they arrived at the blonde’s upper east side apartment complex she was practically running to the door.</p><p>“I had a good time tonight, thank you Luna.” Clarke smiled, as she slowly strode towards the door,</p><p>“Me too.” Luna said before grabbing the blonde’s hand, “Is everything ok Clarke?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Lately you’ve been weird, I didn’t want to assume at first but is it because Lexa is back?”</p><p>Clarke could barely stop the roll of her eyes at the girl’s words, she didn’t feel like doing this tonight or ever actually.</p><p>“Luna, me and you have nothing to do with Lexa not to me at least.”</p><p>“What does that mean?” Luna asks,</p><p>“It doesn’t even matter honestly. “Clarke sighed,</p><p>“You know what Clarke Just admit it!” Luna scolded, “Admit that you used me to get over her, admit that you’ll never like me the way you like her.”</p><p>“I do like you Luna and did your company help me with my grief of course but I never used you! I told you from the beginning I can’t do anything romantic and when it finally went there, I made it clear I had to move incredibly slow and you said it was ok! How about you admit the only reason you ever even showed me any attention is because once I was Lexa’s and for some fucking reason, you’re obsessed with her!” Clarke yelled, “You kissed me at that party in front of her and don’t even waste your time telling me some bullshit about not seeing her. If anyone was being used here it was me!”</p><p>“Clarke-.”</p><p>“Goodnight Luna.” Clarke interrupted before walking into her building leaving the girl on the sidewalk,</p><p>If she could say anything about the day, it would be that it definitely did not go as planned.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>The dance was ending, and everyone seemed to be heading to various after parties, but Lexa didn’t think that would be a good idea for herself right now. Everything had been good, she danced and laughed and for the first time in over a year she had a good time without being drunk or high off her ass. <em>Definitely one for the books. </em></p><p>“Party at Jaspers, you guys coming?” Raven ask Lexa who was seeing everyone off,</p><p>“A party doesn’t seem like the best thing for me right now.” Lexa replied, Raven giving her a knowing nod,</p><p>“And since I too have entered the life of boredom, I’m going to pass too.” Ontari said,</p><p>“Wow, has hell frozen over?” Raven joked,</p><p>“It’s possible.” Lexa smiled giving the girl a hug before her and Ontari hopped in her car,</p><p>“You know my house is empty, we could go there and watch movies if you want.” Ontari suggested as she started the car, “It’s fine if you don’t want to but I figured just because we can’t party doesn’t mean we can’t have a good night.”</p><p>Lexa thought about for a minute, it beat her plans of going home and laying in bed by herself before eventually falling asleep,</p><p>“Alright.” She said finally, “But just don’t try anything.” She joked,</p><p>“I won’t make any promises.” Ontari smirked,</p><p>Soon they were pulling into the twelve-car garage that attached to the Kween estate. Lexa could remember the first time she came to this house; it was freshman year and her and Ontari had just started hanging out. What actually happened that night is a blur, but she can assume it was their usual sex, drugs, alcohol, and god knows what else escapades. In her mind she can’t believe she was 14 hell younger doing these things but that’s just how it is here especially when you don’t have parents who are home to know what you’re doing if they even care.</p><p>Her life really was a fucking disaster but slowly on the mends now, once they were inside Ontari led them upstairs to the lounge where the biggest TV resided.</p><p>“I would say welcome, but you’ve been here on several occasions.” Ontari smiled, “I’ll go get some drinks.”</p><p>Lexa nodded playing on her phone until the girl returned with two short glasses filled with a dark liquid.</p><p>“Don’t look at me like that, it’s coke.” Ontari laughed handing the brunette the cup who tasted it confirming it was indeed Coca Cola.</p><p>“So, what are you think, scary, funny, drama or romance?”</p><p>“Definitely not romance.” Lexa cringed, “How about funny?”</p><p>“I know just the one.” Ontari snickered turning on the huge tv and going to Netflix,</p><p>She queued up Scott Pilgrim, Lexa’s favorite before hearing some noises downstairs,</p><p>“Stay put, I’ll see who that is and grab us some comfortable clothes. I probably still have some of your old stuff.” Ontari said before disappearing downstairs.</p><p>Lexa thought about the clothes she left here wondering if she even wanted them back or if she could even fit them that was two years ago at this point.</p><p>“Well, well, well.” Someone said and Lexa groaned at the sight, “If it isn’t Lexi.”</p><p>“Kindly fuck off Nia.” She huffed before sitting back on the couch, had she known this was how her night would go she would’ve declined Ontari’s offer to come over.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Nia asks taking a seat next to the brunette, “Fucking my cousin again?”</p><p>“If I were it would be none of your business,”</p><p>“When did you become so vile?” Nia frowned, trailing her finger down Lexa’s exposed thigh, “You never used to treat me this way, we used to have so much fun Lexi. I would give you all the free drugs you wanted, and you would be the life of the party but now you’re a meany.”</p><p>“Feel free to feel used.” Lexa scoffed smacking the girls hand off of her leg, truthfully, she had never been this bold with the older woman and if Ontari wasn’t in the house she’d actually be a little frightened.</p><p>“Being used has never been much of an insult to me.” She smirked,</p><p>“Can you please just leave me alone?” Lexa sighed feeling her phone vibrate, it was only Anya asking when she would be home, but she was thankful for the distraction.</p><p>“Fine, I know when I’m not wanted.” Nia said standing from her seat, slightly hovering of the table where two drinks were sitting, “But I do still hope you have a goodnight Lexi.” Little did Lexa know her night would once again be derailed thanks to a little something that Nia let in her drink as a parting gift.</p><p>Lexa ignored the girl choosing to use her phone as an excuse and thankfully she was finally walking out of the room. It was surprising since Nia never gave up that easily, but it was Saturday, so the woman was probably headed to The Ark to do god know what.</p><p>“Sorry about that.” Ontari sighed coming back in the room carrying a bundle of clothes and a few snacks, “I didn’t know they were coming here but apparently my dad sent them.”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Lexa replied, opting not to question what her dad sent them here for since she could assume the reason,</p><p>“It’s not, I don’t want Nia around you.” She huffed,</p><p>“She didn’t bother me too much.” Lexa shrugged picking up her drink and taking a big sip wincing at the taste,</p><p>“What?” Ontari asks seeing the brunette’s expression,</p><p>“Nothing it’s just-.” Suddenly she could feel her body slowly becoming weightless, a feeling she knew all too well but it- she didn’t-.</p><p>“Lex talk to me.” Ontari said grabbing the girl who was falling deeper into the couch,</p><p>“Drink.” Lexa mumbled; she didn’t take anything she knew that for sure so it could only be one thing that if it was in alcohol, she probably wouldn’t have even noticed it.</p><p>“What?” Ontari panicked grabbing the glass and putting It to her nose and seeing the white remnants costing the bottom, “That fucking bitch.”</p><p>“T.”</p><p>“It's ok, you’re going to be ok.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>When Clarke woke up the next morning, she took her time getting ready for the day, which included a long hot bath and a very extensive face care routine before finally realizing she couldn’t avoid it any longer. For some reason, her mom wanted to talk to her, and she still had no clue what for. The only thing came to mind were all sinister things like sending her to boarding school or military school which she definitely could not withstand.</p><p>Another thing was Abby was actually decent to her which never happened, it almost unsettled her how nice she was being. Jakes death changed everything but her and Abby weren’t the closet even before her dad died that being said the woman was never verbally abusive or even mean until the man’s death.</p><p>For years Clarke wondered what she did to warrant that treatment but, in the end, ignoring it and brushing it off seemed to be the only she could do.</p><p>Finally, after throwing on some high wasted jeans and a sweater she made her way downstairs to face the beast. When she got down the woman in question was reading with a cup of coffee something Clarke hadn’t seen her do in four years.</p><p>“Goodmorning Clarke. “Abby smiled seeing the younger blonde approaching the dining table,</p><p>“You wanted to talk.” Clarke replied taking the seat across from her mother,</p><p>“Yes, thank you for… coming down.” Abby said awkwardly, “I uh- I know things have been not good since your father died-.”</p><p>“Not good?” Clarke scoffed trying to figure out what the hell was happening,</p><p>“I know my actions over the last four years have been unmotherly and I wanted to talk to you because I realize now that the way I’ve been handling loosing Jake and treating you has not been anything less than horrible.”</p><p>“You just realized that?”</p><p>“Honestly, Clarke I know I am a very flawed person and mother but over the past couple of weeks I’ve come to realize there is so much I need to work on in order to be better for me and for you Clarke.”</p><p>“How did this relation come about if you don’t mind my asking?” Clarke asks skeptically,</p><p>“To be truthful it was Marcus, he is a therapist and he’s actually been helping me a great deal.”</p><p>
  <em>Ah, now it all makes sense. </em>
</p><p>A blaring ringtone interrupted Clarke’s thoughts as she pulled out her phone seeing Octavia calling her,</p><p>“O?” she said picking up the phone ignoring the look from her mom,</p><p>
  <strong>“Hey sorry to call this early but by any chance have you seen Lexa?”</strong>
</p><p>“What, no.” Clarke replied confusingly, “Why is everything ok?”</p><p>
  <strong>“I don’t know.” The other girl sighed, “She hasn’t come home and Lincoln’s freaking out, I didn’t want to call you but as a last resort I thought it was worth asking.”</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke could feel her heart stop, Lexa was missing, she was gone, is it possible? No, she wouldn’t leave again she just came back. </em>
</p><p>“I’m sorry for calling Clarke.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” Clarke said quickly, “Where are you?”</p><p>
  <strong>“Lincoln’s.”</strong>
</p><p>“Ok, I’m coming there.” She said before hanging up and heading towards the elevator,</p><p>“Clarke, I was still talking to you.” Abby protesting following the girl who was now pressing the elevator button insistently,</p><p>“The last thing I care about is you wanting to be a better mother because some guy said you should be!” Clarke snapped, as the doors opened, “As far as I’m concerned you died the day my dad did In that car accident.” She said getting onto the elevator leaving the older woman speechless,</p><p>She couldn’t think about her family drama right now the only thing on her mind was the possibility that the love of her life was once again leaving New York without so much as a warning. For all she knew she could be halfway to California or drugged out somewhere on the upper east side.</p><p>The whole car ride her thoughts were running rapid and there was no stopping it not until they found Lexa- if they could find her.</p><p>As soon as she got to the penthouse, she ran to the elevator pressing the P four times to many before the doors closed.</p><p>
  <em>It’s ok, she’s going to be here. It’s just a mistake maybe she woke up early to get coffee or to go for a run, anything other than leave. She would not do that again, she said she wouldn’t she-</em>
</p><p>The doors open and Clarke is greeted by Octavia, Lincoln, Raven and Anya who all looked just as worried as she felt,</p><p>“Nothing?” she asked stepping into the foyer,</p><p>“She’s not answering her phone, and neither is Ontari.” Raven replied, and Clarke stomach which was already in the pits of hell seemed to drop even more,</p><p>“She- she’s probably fine.” Clarke said hoping she herself could believe the statement, “She wouldn’t just disappear like this again there has to be a reason.”</p><p>“Clearly you don’t know my sister as well as you think you do.” Lincoln scoffed; he was boiling not only with worry but with anger. He knew he should’ve done more than just let his sister be.</p><p>“What the hell does that even mean?” Clarke barked back,</p><p>“It means your girlfriend isn’t this wholesome can do no wrong person that you think she is Clarke!”</p><p>“Babe!” Octavia mumbled to the boy,</p><p>“Fuck you Lincoln are you really saying that to me?” Clarke yelled; of all people she knew exactly the type of person Lexa was. She knew and no matter what in the past she accepted it and helped her, but she can’t help if she’s left out the fucking loop.</p><p>“Sure, you’ve picked her up off the ground a handful of times, but I’ve seen the mess that is Lexa Fox. Trust me I’ve had to live with it my whole fucking life and you have no clue what she’s fucking done.” Lincoln replied, “California is a prime example, she was trying to fucking-.”</p><p>“Lincoln!” Anya yelled interrupting the boy, “Stop, now!”</p><p>Before anyone could reply a ding from the elevator interrupted, everyone turned hoping it would be Lexa but to everyone’s surprise it was none other than Willa and Gustus aka the parentals.</p><p>“Great.” Lincoln huffed, “This just gets better and fucking better!”</p><p>“Not the welcome we were expecting but ok.” Willa smiled stepping off the lift her husband by her side,</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Lincoln asks aggravatedly,</p><p>“We live here.” Gustus points out,</p><p>“That’s funny.” Lincoln dead panned,</p><p>“Did you really think we would miss you and Lexa’s birthday?” Willa asked hoping to lightened the mood.</p><p>“Yes.” Lincoln replied, “Our birthday is over a month away anyhow and you’ve never cared before.”</p><p>“Don’t say that!” Gustus scolded,</p><p>“What don’t say it because it’s true?”</p><p>“Where is Lexa?” Willa asked scanning over everyone,</p><p>“Good fucking question.” Lincoln scoffed, “Maybe you’d know if you actually made an effort to keep up with your kids!”</p><p>Once again, another ding sounded except this time no one noticed until the doors opened and Lexa with the help of Ontari stepped off,</p><p>Clarke couldn’t help but gasp at the look of the girl, she was pale and disheveled, and she looked drunk, but Ontari looked completely fine.</p><p>“Perfect!” Lincoln yelled upon seeing his sister, “You know what this is great because now you can see the fucking mess that is your daughter!”</p><p>“Lincoln, she didn’t-.”</p><p>“Don’t even Ontari.” He interrupted, “What’s the excuse this time Lex, you saw a bottle of gin and you couldn’t resist or there was a line of whatever drug that you had to sniff?”</p><p>“Fuck you Lincoln!” Lexa yelled, barely noticing her parents standing only a few feet away gaping at the interaction, “I didn’t do anything!”</p><p>“Clearly!”</p><p>“It’s true, Nia did something put something in her drink and she’s not reacting to it well and she wouldn’t let me take her to the hospital so I was hoping one of you could convince her.” Ontari said and Clarke could tell she was genuinely panicking,</p><p>“What the hell is going on?” Gustus asked looking at his daughter who at any minute looked like she was about to die,</p><p>“What’s going on is your daughter is drunk and druggie who can’t stop partying to save her life in fact it almost took it not that long ago!”</p><p>“Shut up Lincoln.” Lexa warned,</p><p>“No, Lexa I am so fed up with this bullshit I can’t do it anymore. For years I’ve had to worry about you when our parents decided to fly off to some private island to pretend, they don’t have kids. I’m done.” Lincoln said, his voiced laced with defeat, “I am so done, and I should’ve done more six months ago when I found you in that bathroom nearly dead after you-.”</p><p>“Lincoln!” Lexa shouted, “You know what fuck you, you’re done with me I’m done with you.”</p><p>“Alexena what is he talking about?” Willa said trying to get closer to the girl, but she moved back,</p><p>“How many times do I have to tell you that’s not my fucking name!”</p><p>“Lexa enough!” Gustus remanded,</p><p>“You can’t just show up here and decide to be parents.” Lexa scoffed, falling back into Ontari side, “I don’t need you either.”</p><p>“Lex, please-.”</p><p>“I’m fine Ontari.” Lexa yelled before everything seemingly went black and all the wooziness and headaches went away,</p><hr/><p>Hours had passed and Clarke was sitting in a hospital room listening to the beeps and sounds of the oxygen machine that filled the room. After Lexa passed out, they called an ambulance and she refused to leave the girls side, and no one fought her on it. So, Lexa’s bedside is where she remained, holding her hand, and wiping away silent tears.</p><p>The doctors said she was fine but seeing her like this and hearing what Lincoln said she couldn’t handle that. Losing Lexa permanently was something she knew she would not survive, ever. No matter what she needed Lexa alive and healthy and knowing there was a possibility that she could’ve lost her forever breaks her heart beyond repair. She didn’t understand how she could get to that point; she didn’t understand any of what has happened the past year and it was killing her.</p><p>Her eyes were trained on Lexa’s hand that she was holding tightly in her own, she hadn’t even noticed Lexa stirring awake.</p><p>“Clarke?”</p><p>“Hey.” She smiled, wiping her face as the girl open and shut her eyes as they adjusted to the lights,</p><p>“What’s wrong?” she asked seeing the blonde’s tears before looking around and realizing she was in a hospital, “Why am I here?”</p><p>“You uh- you passed out and you wouldn’t wake up, so we got you here.”</p><p>“But I’m ok?”</p><p>“The doctor said whatever drug was in your system was laced with something and your body wasn’t reacting to it well.” Clarke explained,</p><p>Lexa clenched her jaw think how Nia did this shit once again,</p><p>“I didn’t take anything.” Lexa said looking into the teary blue eyes,</p><p>“I believe you.” Clarke nodded squeezing her hand,</p><p>“Lexa.” Willa interrupted, Lexa was sure she hallucinated her parents part in all of this but seeing sharp green eyes piercing into her soul she knew this was in fact real,</p><p>“Mother.”</p><p>“I’m sure Clarke has told you what the doctor’s said, how are you feeling?’</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>Willa nodded taking a seat on the bed before turning to Clarke, “Can you give us a minute Clarke?”</p><p>“No.” Lexa said firmly,</p><p>“Lex-.”</p><p>“Please.” Lexa mumbled giving Clarke a look that she knew,</p><p>“Ok.” Clarke murmured squeezing her hand,</p><p>“Fine.” Willa said, smoothing down the fabric of her skirt. “After the events of the day and talking to your doctor me and your father have discussed some treatment centers that we think you would benefit from.”</p><p>“Wow.” Lexa laughed, “You come back from out of the blue and now you want to be a parent to me?”</p><p>“We want to help you Lexa.”</p><p>“You want to help me?” she scoffed, “You’ve never given a fuck whether me and Lincoln needed your help before and now you want to help me, unbelievable.”</p><p>“We didn’t know about any of this.”</p><p>“It’s hard to know anything about your kids when you’re never around them.”</p><p>“Well we are trying now, Lexa.” Willa replied, her eyes full of unshed tears. “There is a rehabilitation center downtown not far from the penthouse, we made arrangements for you there. As soon as the doctor has your release papers drawn, we will go there.”</p><p>“Whatever, can you just go.” Lexa mumbled not even looking at the woman who sighed before leaving,</p><p>“Lex, maybe this could be good.”</p><p>“I’m too far-gone Clarke.” Lexa sighed leaning back in the uncomfortable bed feeling hot tears roll down her cheeks, “I try to do better, and this is what happens, there is no hope for me.”</p><p>“I don’t accept that.”</p><p>“You looked beautiful last night.”</p><p>“Don’t change the subject.”</p><p>“I couldn’t stop thinking about homecoming sophomore year.” Lexa continued, “It was the best night of my life being there with you.”</p><p>“Me too.” Clarke mumbled,</p><p>“How are things with you and Luna.”</p><p>“There is no me and Luna.”</p><p>“Did she hurt you?” Lexa asked her voiced drowned in anger,</p><p>“More like I hurt her.” Clarke said seeing a faint smile appear on the brunette’s face,</p><p>“Since my mom will probably be In here to wheel me off to the looney bin any second, I want to talk. I want to explain everything and tell you why I left and give you the explanation you deserve.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“No.” Clarke repeated staring back into big green eyes, her heartrate was through the roof, but she knew this is what she wanted, “You’re going to get better and you’re going to become the person you want to be, and when you are that person you’re going to explain and I’m going to listen. I just need to know one thing.”</p><p>“Anything.” Lexa replied quickly,</p><p>“What Lincoln said- about finding you… is that- were you.”</p><p>“It was an accident, I wasn’t- I didn’t mean to. “Lexa whispered shutting her eyes, “It was an accident.” She reaffirmed; it was accident she knew it was.</p><p>“Lexa.” Anya said joining the pair with a stack of clothes, “Aunt Willa says it’s time.”</p><p>Lexa nodded taking the clothes and letting go of Clarkes hand for the first time she woke up. She walked into the small bathroom and put them on before re-entering the room where she let out a sigh of relief that Clarke was still there but so was Ontari.</p><p>“Hey.” Lexa said looking at the girl, her eyes were red and puffy.</p><p>“I’ll leave.” Clarke said but Ontari stopped her,</p><p>“No stay, I just came to say that I’m so sorry Lex and I took care of it.”</p><p>“T, what do you mean?” Lexa asked her voice panicked,</p><p>“Doesn’t matter, Nia won’t be bothering you anymore.” Ontari sighed, giving the girl a hug, “I’m glad you’re ok Lex.” She said before leaving the room.</p><p>Lexa had no clue what Ontari did, but she knew it wasn’t good, nothing with them was ever good and that made her worry.</p><p>“Anya told me to tell you they’re waiting for you in the hall.” Clarke said walking over to the girl,</p><p>“Ok.” She sighed biting her lip, there was so much she wanted to say but when she felt the blonde’s arms wrap around her, she knew Clarke could feel her nerves,</p><p>“Promise me you’ll give this a chance.” Clarke stammered into the brunette’s neck,</p><p>“I will, I promise.” Lexa nodded pulling the girl closer, “I love you Clarke.”</p><p>“I love you too.” Clarke mumbled, tears streaming down her face as Lexa pulled away giving her a kiss on the cheek before walking out the door and Clarke could only hope this would be the thing to truly help the girl that she loved.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So i've been in a bit of a writing slump lately but i hope you guys enjoyed!! Thank you for reading make sure to comment it lets me know you guys are still interested!!!!!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. The Fox's</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is pure Lexa, we see how's she dealing with her recovery and her family.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Life rocked me like Motley</em>
  </strong><br/>
<strong>
    <em>Grabbed me by the ribbons in my hair</em>
  </strong><br/>
<strong>
    <em>Life rocked me, ultra-softly</em>
  </strong><br/>
<strong>
    <em>Like the heavy metal that you hear- Heroin by Lana Del Rey</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>Dear stupid journal that I’m forced to write in every week, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s been a month since I came to the center and admittedly, I feel better than I have in a while. The doctors are nice, and I’ve even managed to make a couple of friends here as well. I’m not going to lie it’s been hard too; I can’t exactly leave the center and I can only have visitors once a week which are usually Anya and Raven and of course my parents. Clarke visited once but I decided it was best for us not to talk until I was out of treatment. It was a hard decision, but she understood, and I know Anya gives her updates on me anyhow. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the past month I’ve seen my parents more times than I have in years and it’s definitely weird. Ever since the night Nia drugged me, they’ve been around attempting to be parents when it’s clear they have no clue how to. I can see they’re trying though so I guess that counts for something. My mom comes by more often than my dad, I’ve never had a strong relationship with either of them but if there was one, I’m ‘closer’ with it would probably be my mom. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m not going to lie the first couple of weeks I wanted nothing to do with them and I expected them to give up, but they kept coming back. A part of me still doesn’t allow myself to get too close to them because it’s inevitable that they will just leave again and go back to the monthly phone calls. I don’t want them to leave but I know it’s only a matter of time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Another thing is Lincoln, we haven’t talked and I’m not ready to talk to him yet. Our whole lives we’ve relied on each other and I put so much on him and I hate myself for it. I hate that I stole most of his life because I couldn’t handle my own shit. I hate the way we talked to each other the last time we spoke; I hate that I’m such a fuck up and he’s the perfect twin. A part of me resents him for that because I know no matter what I can never be that perfect. I’m the twin with the defect, it’s literally not in my DNA to be perfect. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Alright I feel like that’s enough sentimental shit for the week who knows maybe next week I’ll have something happy to write about, ok back off to the looney bin!</em>
</p><p>Lexa clicked her pen before setting it and the notebook on her small beside table she had in her room. Usually today would-be group therapy session which Lexa loathed but she got a note from her doctor saying she was excused. Instead, she would be meeting with her parents and the doctor to discuss her progress.</p><p>She had gone through one of these meetings before after her first couple of weeks, but it seemed to be due for another.</p><p>“Knock, knock!”</p><p>Lexa turned to the open door expecting to see one of the other patients or staff but to her surprise it was neither.</p><p>“Aunt Indra.” She smiled pulling the older woman into a hug, she hardly noticed her mother watching the scene longingly from behind them, “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Well, I wanted to come sooner, but Nyko had to wrap up some things with the business.” She explained, “How are you?”</p><p>“I’m good.” Lexa said honestly, “I’m better.”</p><p>“I can tell.” Indra smiled taking in the sight of her niece, it had been a while since she saw her fully sober and smiling and it was a relief.</p><p>“Don’t tell me you came all the way here for me.”</p><p>“Of course, I did, plus Anya’s here and like you she’s a wild child.” She winked, “I have to keep her a short leash.”</p><p>“Anya’s got nothing on me.” Lexa joked, and Indra laughed,</p><p>“That is very true.” Indra smiled, “But I also came because Thanksgiving is in a few days and in a couple of weeks my favorite niece and nephew are turning 18.”</p><p>Ah yes, December 8<sup>th</sup> aka Lincoln and Lexa’s birthday. Lexa had tried not to think about it seeing as she would probably be spending it in the center which she accepted. All of her other birthdays were hazy thanks to all the alcohol and drugs but at least this year she’ll remember the day’s events even if it’s spent in her room reading.</p><p>“Well, I expect to be spending both of those days here in the looney bin.”</p><p>“Don’t call it that.” Willa spoke up, Lexa noticing her for the first time in the minutes she had been there.</p><p>“It’s a joke.” Lexa mumbled, for some reason feeling awkward with both women in the room. Willa was her mom, but the majority of her life Indra has been the only motherly figure she’s known so seeing her here is exciting, but she also feels like she can’t be excited because her actual mom is staring them down,</p><p>“Not a very funny one.” Willa replied and Lexa fought the urge to roll her eyes,</p><p>“Anyways.” Indra said breaking the tension, “I just came to check on my little moonflower before we went to check into our hotel. “</p><p>“You’re staying in a hotel?” Lexa asked, throwing her mother a look.</p><p>“Willa and Gus graciously offered to house us, but we figure we’d take advantage of the room service and hotel perks.” Indra assured, “Now give me a hug.”</p><p>Lexa sighed standing to give the woman a hug not wanting her to leave just yet,</p><p>“Be nice.” Indra whispered before pulling back and giving her a knowing look before leaving the room,</p><p>“She calls you moonflower?” Willa asks staring at her daughter,</p><p>“Yeah, they bloom at night and when I was younger, she said I would come alive at night not wanting to go to bed.” Lexa smiled before it faded, “I just had to tell you a story about my childhood, seems a little backwards don’t you think.”</p><p>“I-.”</p><p>“Did the doctor want to see us?” Lexa asked interrupting, the last thing she needed was to hear whatever excuse her mom was about to make for not being around.”</p><p>Willa sighed before nodding and walking out the door something Lexa was all too used to.</p>
<hr/><p>When she walked in the office her father was already there as well as her doctor Becca who she’s learned to really appreciate over the past month. She wasn’t judgmental and she never allowed Lexa to feel broken or less than. Becca genuinely cared about the patients here and their recovery was her top priority and she also had a twin so it gave them a common interest.</p><p>“Welcome Lexa.” Becca smiled offering her a seat between her parents, “How are you feeling today?”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“Did you complete your journal entry?” Becca asked a knowing smile on her face, it was a known fact that Lexa did not enjoy journaling which she made known several times,</p><p>“Yes, I even managed to only write a few cuss words.” Lexa smiled,</p><p>“Progress.” Becca laughed before turning her attention to the adults, “I know we’ve had a meeting like this a few weeks ago but it’s important to me to keep the parents in the loop.”</p><p>“We appreciate that.” Willa replied, “You said you wanted to discuss Lexa’s progress here?”</p><p>“Yes, your daughter here has come a very long way since our first session together. She’s opened up tremendously and we’ve managed to really air out a lot of things in her life including the drug use and the abuse of alcohol. She also got her thirty-day pin yesterday which is a lot to celebrate. But besides the substance abuse a core issue in Lexa’s life has been family.”</p><p>Lexa could feel her parents tensing up beside her and she wanted to run out of the room,</p><p>“We’ve talked at length about how the absence of both of you has affected her life and I think it would be helpful to have a family session.”</p><p>“What?” Lexa asked, she had no clue this would even be a suggestion, “No.”</p><p>“Lexa, I think sitting with your family will be a good thing, I’m sure they have some things they would like to say to you as well.” Becca said looking at Willa and Gustus expectantly, but they just exchanged glances,</p><p>“Becca, clearly they don’t know how to talk to their own kids, the whole session would just be awkward.”</p><p>“More of a reason to do it.” Becca smiled, “Thanksgiving is in two days so how about the following Monday?”</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Thanksgiving Day</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Lexa woke up early in order to get a workout in which she was allowed to do in the private gym the facility had. She spent most of her mornings there, it helped her burn most of the energy she built up being cooped up in the center all day. Occasionally she would spend a little bit of time reading in the garden but other than that she didn’t get outside much.</p><p>After her workout was complete, she showered and lounged around in her room for a bit before a new friend of hers named Josie came to keep her company.</p><p>It was thanksgiving and technically Lexa had the option to join her family for dinner, but she opted out of it. She was allowed to invite people to the center for dinner though, so she invited Indra, Nyko and Anya. She figured Lincoln would be with Octavia and her parents would be doing whatever it is that they do.</p><p>“So, have you figured it out yet?” Josie smiled laying down the brunette’s small twin bed,</p><p>“Not yet, but I will.” Lexa smirked nudging the girl, from the moment they met Lexa felt like she knew her from somewhere, but she couldn’t put her finger on it and Josie wasn’t giving her any clues.</p><p>The more they got to know each other it became a game of when Lexa would figure it out. A month later and she still had no clue.</p><p>“Maybe one of these days I’ll give you a clue.”</p><p>“That would be kind of you.” Lexa smiled, like her Josie was there for drugs among other things so that gave them a lot to talk about. They shared stories and talked for hours and it was nice, she really like the girl. “Are your parents coming today?”</p><p>“God no.” Josie huffed, “They’re in Paris ignoring my existence, are yours?”</p><p>“No, I invited my Aunt, Uncle and cousin instead.” Lexa replied, “Sit with us, I’ll introduce you.”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>By the time dinner came around Lexa was actually excited, she hadn’t gotten to sit down with her aunt and uncle since they arrived, so she was looking forward to it.</p><p>When they arrived, Lexa gave them all big hugs ad showed them to the dining area, since this was a very uppity rehab dinner was catered most nights and it was all gourmet. Thanksgiving dinner was no different.</p><p>“God Lexa I can’t take this anymore.” Anya grumbled catching everyone by surprise,</p><p>“What the hell are you talking about?” Lexa asked trying to figure out if she missed a part of this conversation,</p><p>“What the hell indeed Lexa Fox! The first couple of weeks I let it slide but this is just outrageous.” Anya sighed,</p><p>“Oh my god not this again.” Lexa grumbled,</p><p>“Yes, this again.” Anya scolded, pointing her finger. “It’s one thing to wear sweatpants but polyester Lexa? Really? I bring you clothes every time I visit!”</p><p>“I know but I’m not walking around here in $600 pants Anya I’m not exactly going anywhere.”</p><p>“Doesn’t mean you can’t look good.”</p><p>“Enough dramatics Anya, let the girl wear what she wants.” Nyko laughed pulling the brunette into a big hug, like her dad Nyko was bug and burly.</p><p>“Thanks Uncle Nyko.” Lexa said sticking her tongue out at her cousin her flip her off getting a smack from Indra, “I have a friend joining us, I hope that’s ok.”</p><p>“Of course.” Indra smiled, taking her seat at the circled table. “May I ask when your parents will be arriving?”</p><p>“They won’t be.” Lexa mumbled whilst pretending to get something out of her nail,</p><p>“And why not young lady?” Indra asked firmly forcing Lexa to look at her,</p><p>“I didn’t invite them.” Lexa said getting looks from the two adults, Anya remaining neutral. “Don’t look at me like that! I just wanted to enjoy the day without feeling awkward and that’s what it would’ve been, had I invited them.”</p><p>Indra and Nyko shared a look before sighing,</p><p>“We understand that Lexa, but we all need to work so that things will not be awkward anymore.” Nyko replied,</p><p>“And I can tell that they are actually trying.” Indra added,</p><p>“It doesn’t matter, they’re just going to leave again anyways.”</p><p>“I don’t think they are.” Anya said speaking up, “They seem to be planning to stay in New York.”</p><p>
  <em>They’re staying?  </em>
</p><p>“Today let’s just focus on dinner.” Nyko suggested as a ploy to lighten the mood and for the most part it worked.</p><p>Not long after Josie joined them, and she hit it off with Anya immediately after noticing the girls Versace pumps. Dinner was going good and Lexa was enjoying herself more than she thought she would. Sure, in the back of her mind she was wondering what her parents were doing and how their family session would go in a few days but the laughter and the love she was surrounded with right now was enough to push those thoughts away.</p><p>Soon it was time for dessert and Nyko and Indra got up to check out the options, leaving the teens there. Lexa listened as Josie and Anya talked and she watched as josie sprayed way too much whip cream on her pie and that’s when it hit her.</p><p>“Oh no.” Lexa groaned covering her eyes with her hands, she could hear Josie laughing and she couldn’t believe she didn’t figure it out sooner, “We had sex.”</p><p>“She remembers.” Josie laughing, clapping. “More like we had a threesome with lots and lots of whip cream, it was fun.”</p><p>“Oh my god.” Lexa shrieked remember the day, it was back when she was with Ontari and the night got a little out of hand. Ontari was hosting one of her parties and they had a fight about her flirting with other girls. As a peace offering Lexa found the hottest girl there and well to say the least, they had a lot of fun with her.</p><p>
  <em>Toxic I know. </em>
</p><p>“God Lexa can you ever keep it in your pants.” Anya exclaimed,</p><p>“Apparently not.” Lexa groaned, “I’m sorry Jo.”</p><p>“For what? It was a fun night.” She shrugged,</p><p>“For… not remembering I guess.”</p><p>“To be fair we were all a little out of it, the only reason I remember is well…. You’ve got quite the package there Lexi.” She smirked,</p><p>“Ok, that’s where I draw the line.” Anya interrupted running off to grab her own dessert minus the whip cream.</p><p>“Things won’t be awkward, now will they?” Lexa asked,</p><p>“Of course, not.” Josie said before grabbing a spoon full of whip cream and eating it, “You want some?”</p><p>Lexa couldn’t help but laugh but she picked up her spoon taking some of the whip cream.</p><p>
  <em>Of course, it had to be sex, we couldn’t have met at the gym or school or some shit?” </em>
</p><p>“Lexa?” a voice called from behind her causing her to freeze, she knew that voice, she loved that voice but what was she doing here?</p><p>Finally, she turned around taking in the sight in front of her,</p><p>“Clarke.” She smiled, taking in everything about the blonde like her flowery perfume and her burgundy dress that hugged her curves- that she loved. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“I- uh I know we agreed not to see each other until you were done with your program, but Anya told me you were allowed visitors today and I just wanted to bring you this.” She handed over a small pan, Lexa knowing exactly what it is, “Apple pie, your favorite.”</p><p>“Only when you make it.” Lexa smiled at the warmness in her hands, “Thank you.”</p><p>“Happy Thanksgiving Lex.” The blonde smiled before making her way to the exit,</p><p>“Wait.” Lexa grabbed Clarkes and getting one last look, “Happy Thanksgiving Clarke.”</p><p>They exchanged one last smile before the blonde was off and Lexa watched until she couldn’t see her anymore.</p><p>“So that’s Clarke.” Indra said walking up to her, “She’s beautiful.”</p><p>“She is.” Lexa agreed, staring down at the pie in her hands,</p><p>“Come on.” Indra said putting her arms around her niece, “Let’s finish dessert.”</p>
<hr/><p>Thanksgiving came and went and now Lexa was pacing her room waiting for Becca to send someone for her for the family session they had planned. She didn’t want to do this and even tried to convince Becca it wouldn’t help but the doctor was not having it.</p><p>The thought of having an emotionally charged conversation with her parents made her cringe because it wasn’t something they did. In fact, her parents did everything they could to avoid the emotional part of parenting for the majority of her life and now almost 18 years later they were giving it a shot.</p><p>“Lexa, Becca is ready for you.” Lily one of the staff said giving her door a light knock.</p><p>Lexa took a deep breath straightening out her shirt and pants and hair and whatever else she could fix to kill time before making her way out the door. The whole walk she was thinking about how she might be able to dart to the exit but leaving would mean throwing all of her hard work away and she couldn’t do that.</p><p>Eventually after stalling as much as she could she made it to the therapy room to the ‘calm space’ as Becca calls it. Immediately her eyes caught Lincolns who stood up to greet her. Never in their lives have they been this awkward towards each other and it hurt Lexa deeply not knowing if she could even hug her brother.</p><p>“Hey.” He smiled walking over to the girl,</p><p>“Hi.” Lexa mumbled feeling tears building up in her eyes, this wasn’t right and more than ever she felt like some broken doll that couldn’t be fixed.</p><p>Neither of them knew what to say and as Lexa was about to walk away, she felt strong arms embracing her and her body collapsed in them. Hot tears rolled down her face as she reveled in the feeling of her brothers arms around her.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe he doesn’t hate me, maybe I didn’t completely ruin our relationship. </em>
</p><p>Willa and Gustus watched the interaction from a far before Becca came in asked everyone to take a seat.</p><p>Lexa opted to sit next to Becca and Lincoln leaving her parents straight across from them. Never in life has she felt more uncomfortable and even though she didn’t want to be here a part of her knows this is necessary.</p><p>“Mr. and Mrs. Fox as well as Lincoln, thank you for joining us today.” Becca smiled placing her notebook on her lap, “Over the past month I have talked with Lexa about a lot and I won’t disclose specific details, but she has given me permission to mention a few things and I’m sure she would like to speak her own words at some point as well. But for now, I’d like to start with you Lincoln.” Becca said to the boy who looked like a deer in headlights, “Lexa tells me you’ve been by her side through all this, can you tell me how it’s affected you?”</p><p>“Since we were kids, we’ve only had each other.” Lincoln replied, throwing his parents a glare. “Aunt Indra and Uncle Nyko were there too but for the most part we lived in New York with nannies and then when we were old enough, we lived alone. For the most part everything was fine until the summer before high school and Lexa started acting different. She was staying out late and coming home completely out of it and it was like from there my life was taken over.”</p><p>“In what ways was it taken over?” Becca asks pulling out her pen,</p><p>“In every way possible, I lost a year with my girlfriend because I had to take care of her.”</p><p>“I never asked you to do that.” Lexa spoke up, “I begged you to go back to New York.”</p><p>“You needed me, and I was there but it became more than clear that you never wanted to get better.”</p><p>“I’m, here aren’t I?”</p><p>“Not by choice Lexa.”</p><p>“Lexa.” Becca interrupted, “Now that you have a bit of Lincoln’s perspective maybe you can give him yours.”</p><p>Lexa sighed slumping down in her chair trying to avoid that fact that all the eyes were on her.</p><p>“During our sessions you mentioned always being compared to Lincoln can you talk about that?”</p><p>“I guess.” Lexa sighed crossing her arms around her body, “Lincolns always been the perfect twin even before all of my mess. He was born right while I was born-.”</p><p>“Don’t even.” Lincoln interrupted,</p><p>“This was inevitable honestly.” Lexa continued, “The damaged twin becoming more damaged, it was basically prophesied.”</p><p>“No, you don’t get to blame all of this on being intersex.” Lincoln scolded,</p><p>“Why not, you blame our parents not being around on me being intersex.” She replied staring straight at Lincoln whose face turned from anger to fear. “Don’t deny it, I heard you say it.”</p><p>“Lincoln?” Willa said staring at her son who looked ashamed,</p><p>“I didn’t mean it.” he finally said not looking any of them in the eye, “I was thirteen and dumb and- I never was trying to hurt you Lex I just.” He sighed, “I needed a reason because I didn’t understand why they were never around, and I tried to blame you and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Growing up Lexa could never fully accept herself as being intersex, she always felt damaged because she knew she was meant to be a matching boy for Lincoln to grow up with and her arrival was nothing short of a disappointment. Alexander turned to Alexena and that was supposed to fix everything, but it fixed nothing if anything it made her feel worse.</p><p> But then she became Lexa and made friends who accepted her, and it helped. One day she was at a point where she could be ok with herself and then she overheard a phone call that changed everything. Her brother, the one person who has always made her feel accepted and right in her own skin was now blaming her for their parents being MIA, and the more she thought and thought the more she believed that herself.</p><p>When they found out they were expecting twins they thought it would be two boys but instead they got Lexa and maybe that was enough to drive them away. Maybe she was enough to make them not want to have kids at all and in turn they decided to run. It’s true that her parents never treated her badly for being intersex but that didn’t mean they were ok with it.</p><p>After hearing Lincolns true thoughts about her Lexa decided to take a walk. She had no destination or even a sense of direction she just walked and walked drowning herself in her thoughts until she ran into people from school who invited her to a party.</p><p>Party’s weren’t something she had much experience with, but she knew she couldn’t go home to Lincoln and she didn’t want to bother any of her friends, so she took a chance. That night she was introduced to so many things that would ruin her down the line but in the moment that didn’t matter, the pain of feeling like a failure being not only a daughter but a sister was gone and all that was left was numbness and what felt like pure bliss.</p><p>“Don’t be sorry.” Lexa finally spoke, “It’s true.”</p><p>“That is absolutely not true!” Willa snapped, “You being intersex has never ever been an issue for us Lexa.”</p><p>“This would be a good time to switch the conversation over to the parents.” Becca suggested, motioning towards Willa and Gustus. “Clearly your kids have suffered through a lot over the years due to your absence. I think giving them some clarity as to why you were so absent may be helpful.”</p><p>“It was for business.” Gustus replied causing both kids to roll their eyes,</p><p>“Becca I already told you this was pointless.” Lexa muttered, playing with the string of her hoodie.</p><p>“We traveled a lot, but we always made sure you were ok.” Gustus added, but it wasn’t making the situation any better,</p><p>“Sending money to our accounts and maids to clean the house isn’t making sure we’re ok!” Lincoln scoffed,</p><p>Lexa couldn’t help but notice how quite her mom was being, she could tell she cared compared to Gustus she was easier to read.</p><p>“It wasn’t always like that.” Lexa said looking at her mom, “I remember being young, like five and you guys were around. Mom would read us bedtime stories and kiss us goodnight and wake us up with kisses.” She smiled thinking of the faint memories, “Then one day it all stopped, and you started leaving for long periods of time and we would never see you.”</p><p>“I don’t remember that.” Lincoln replied,</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>“I remember Indra and Nyko kissing us goodnight and reading to us and feeding us and actually making us feel loved.” Lincoln said making Willa wince but Gustus was harder to read and so far, had been nothing but defensive. “If you ask me Indra and Nyko are our parents.”</p><p>Silence filled the room and Lexa was becoming more and more uncomfortable, this wasn’t feeling like it was helping. If anything, it felt like it was making things worse because her parents weren’t admitting to anything and that was making her crazy.</p><p>“Let’s shift gears a bit shall we.” Becca said breaking the silence, “Willa, Lexa has shared with me that you two share monthly calls is that true?”</p><p>“Yes…” she mumbled, clearly becoming ashamed now that her and her husband’s behavior was being called out.</p><p>“What kind of things do you talk about?” Becca asks knowingly,</p><p>“Just- anything that comes to mind.”</p><p>“We talk about you.” Lexa corrected, “Almost every time, ‘your dad’s taking me here and we’re doing this and that’ it’s always about you. I literally told you I was crying once and all you did was point me to the best eye cream in your cupboard, you didn’t ask why or if I was ok.”</p><p>“I-.”</p><p>“Both of you are selfish.” Lexa interrupts, “You take your lavish vacations and romantic trips and we’re here desperately needing you and it’s like you don’t care.”</p><p>“I do- we do care Lexa.” Willa said and Lexa almost believed her,</p><p>“We can’t tell.” Lincoln mumbled,</p><p>“Half of the time you won’t even call me by the right name.” Lexa points out,</p><p>“Willa maybe you would like to shed some like on that, Lexa tells me her birthname is a source of contention for you two.”</p><p>“I just don’t understand why she doesn’t like it.”</p><p>“I’ve explained why several times and you still call me it.” Lexa huffed, “Just admit you gave me that name to try and make yourself feel good.”</p><p>“I don’t understand.” Willa says staring at her daughter,</p><p>“I know my name before you found I was intersex was Alexander.” Lexa says shocking both of her parents, “You changed it to Alexena when I was three, I saw the paperwork, I wanted to change it to Lexa legally.”</p><p>“I didn’t know.” Willa murmured,</p><p>“You don’t know a lot.” Lexa points out, she wasn’t trying to shame her mother, but this was their reality.</p><p>“I was never trying yo hurt you by calling you Alexena, I just wanted you to like it. We did name you Alexander but that’s when we thought we were having two little boys. When we found out you were intersex, I just wanted to give you a name you could love, and I thought I did that but if Lexa is that for you than I’ll respect that.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Lexa said finally feeling like they resolved something,</p><p>“Lincoln you’ve been quiet, what’s on your mind?” Becca turned to the boy who was sitting with his fist balled and his head down,</p><p>“That them being here is pointless because eventually they will just take off somewhere and we won’t see them for months.” Lincoln answered and Lexa had to admit that was a fear of hers as well.</p><p>“We’re not going anywhere Lincoln.” Willa replies trying to hold her sons gaze, but he wasn’t budging,</p><p>“I’ll believe when I see it.” he scoffed, “But I’m sure soon you’ll be gone, and Lexa will go back to being my responsibility.”</p><p>“Why did you feel such a strong sense of responsibility to take care of Lexa?” Becca asks,</p><p>“Because I’m always the only one here and she’s my sister.” Lincoln mumbled, “My sister my responsibility, isn’t that right dad?”</p><p>Lexa could see her dads jaw tighten and her mom look confusingly at the man,</p><p>“Gus what is he talking about?” Willa asks,</p><p>“Nothing.” the man replied,</p><p>“I’m talking about freshman year when I called dad and tried to tell him about how bad Lexa had gotten.” Lincoln says surprising not only Lexa but Willa as well, “Of course he was annoyed I called because it wasn’t time for the monthly call, but I needed his help. Lexa was going out all night and not even coming home for days at a time but all he told me was to deal with it. That Lexa was my sister, so she was my responsibility.”</p><p>“You knew about all of this?” Willa seethed staring at her husband,</p><p>“Of course not!”</p><p>“Then why don’t I know about this call?”</p><p>“At the time I just thought it was Lexa getting drunk like every other high schooler it didn’t seem like something to mention.”</p><p>“Our fifteen-year-old daughter getting drunk is something to bring up!”</p><p>“Please Willa, don’t act like you’re on some high horse now! You weren’t asking them questions either!” he scoffed,</p><p>“You son of a-.”</p><p>“Ok, Why don’t we pause for a few moments.” Becca suggested and Willa took the opportunity to get some air.</p><p>Gustus wondered off as well and Lexa decided to bide her time in the restroom instead of sitting awkwardly in a room with Lincoln. She wasn’t mad at him and she never intended on bringing up the fact that she knew he blamed her, but she did and now she couldn’t help but feel those feelings again and it sucked.</p><p>Her family was proving to be more of a shitshow than she imagined, and it was starting to feel like there was no way to fix any of it. There would always be animosity and pain clouding over them, and she wasn’t sure if that was something that could go away.</p><p>Twenty minutes later they all returned to the calm room where Becca took the wheel for most of the discussion. She suggested ways they could all work through their feelings individually that way when they came together working it out would be clearer. She also suggested that Gustus and Willa evaluate how their absence has affected Lincoln and Lexa since that was something that they never managed to resolve. Gustus mostly shifted the blame while Willa seemed more open to wanting to fix the relationship with the kids which Becca noticed. Becca also suggested another family session the following week which everyone agreed to- not willingly but it was scheduled.</p><p>Now it was time to return to her room and she couldn’t have been happier, she opted to skip the goodbyes and find solace in her soft comforter she had Anya bring. It was from her room and it helped a lot the first couple days she had to sleep in the center. Those nights were filled with a lot of tears, but she knew then it would be worth it, and she still feels that way.</p><p>Family issues resolved or not resolved she was still committed to her own recovery and she refused to give up. She owed this to herself and at the end of her program she knows she’ll come out on the other end of it finally able to breath again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the next chapter will deal with Clarke and Abby as well as Clexa and Lexa with her family! but it might also be a lighter chapter i don't know yet... :)<br/>I just want to say thank you guys for reading, i love writing it gives me an outlet and knowing you guys enjoy it warms my cold little heart so thank you!! that being said don't forget to comment, i love hearing your thoughts good or bad!</p><p>Also, I have been writing fanfics for a few years now (started when I was 16, I’m 21 now) and it’s kind of something I keep to myself. I don’t really have friends but I do have a best friend that I love dearly so last night as I was FaceTiming with her I told her I wrote fanfiction and she’s the only person I’ve ever told that lol! For some reason (to me at least) fanfiction has always seemed so taboo, people have their perception of it and that made me feel like I needed to be ashamed of it but I literally don’t! A part of me wishes I had joined the Clexa social media hemisphere four years ago and maybe I’d have friends to discuss this with me who actually like what I like but I’m so socially inept that everything is so awkward to me lol! Anyways rant over just thought I’d share that little thought also let me know if you understand what a mean regarding the stigma of fanfiction!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Eighteen is the age of discovery</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's Lexa and Lincolns birthday and things are..... interesting</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so this is a long chapter, i'm sorry if you don't like long chapters i tried to cut it down but i wanted to keep as much in even if the conversation seemed 'meaningless'</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>Share my body and my mind with you</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>That's all over now</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>Did what I had to do</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>'Cause you're so far past me now -Cruel World by Lana Del Rey</strong> </em>
</p><hr/><p>The past month for Clarke has been an interesting one to say the very least. Lexa was in rehab and from what she hears is doing really good. The first couple of weeks Clarke attempted to visit but the whole visit was weird, and Lexa asked her not to come back. it wasn’t in a rude way, but the brunette just thought it was best for them to have contact only after she’s left the center. Clarke could lie and say she wasn’t a little upset by that, but she was, she understood why Lexa would make that decision, but it was still hard. She wanted to know the girl was ok and even though Anya and Raven give her updates she still longs to see her.</p><p>They still haven’t talked obviously and a part of her never wants to, a part of her thinks that they can be oblivious and act like their year apart never happened, but they can’t. Eventually they would have to talk, and Clarke would have to make the choice to move on or work it out. Her only worry was if she could make the best choice for her needs and not her wants, because she wants Lexa more than anything but there is still so much to work through and hopefully, they could.</p><p>Another thing she has been dealing with is her mother, a month ago she blew her off to go find Lexa and after coming home that night in tears she realized Lexa isn’t the only one who needs to work on things. So, the next day she finished the talk Abby wanted to have and came out conflicted on the other side.</p><p>She had her mom saying and telling her things she’s wanted to hear for years now but she didn’t want to get her hopes up, so she figured the best thing to do was ease into it. Giving her mom a chance was already a big step and by no means did she think they would ever have a close mother daughter relationship, but she was willing to try she just hoped that her mom wasn’t doing this just for a guy.</p><p>Over the past four years Abby has flaunted many men through their penthouse as Clarke was forced to see it. None of them were ever around long but she still saw them, and it pissed her off. It made her feel like her dad never meant anything to her mom, but this all seemed to be the way Abby chose to grieve. Instead of dealing with it she chose to drink and have sex much like someone else Clarke knows. But that all seemed to be ending, it’s only a month in but her and Abby did make a little progress.</p><p>They ate breakfast together a few times a week and even managed to make conversation during a few of them. It was a process, but Clarke needed to take it slow so when her mom suggest inviting Marcus Kane- her new boyfriend over she politely declined. She was definitely not ready for that seeing as she could barely handle her mom right now but maybe in the future.</p><p>It was Thursday afternoon and Clarke had just arrived home from school to an empty house. She wasn’t sure where her mom was, but she didn’t mind having the alone time. She kicked off her shoes and grabbed her copy of Little Women before plopping down on the couch. The book had to be read for her English class, but she didn’t mind it so far.</p><p>Thirty minutes in she heard the ringing of the elevator, assuming it was just her mother she got up to press the button allowing her up. Once it was on her floor she watched as the door opened only it wasn’t her mother at all.</p><p>“Hello Clarke.”</p><p>“Willa.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>It had been a week and a half since their first family session and Lexa once again had to endure another one. This one wasn’t as emotional seeing as for the most part her dad stayed quiet and Becca mainly focused on ways, they could try rebuilding their family, so she did most of the talking. To Lexa’s annoyance Becca even made them go around and mention something about themselves- like it was the first day of school or something. Lexa ended up saying that her favorite color was black and everyone else followed suit with theirs. For the most part the exercise proved to be pointless, but it got them talking so that seemed to be the point. By the end of it Lexa was ready to run back to her room but she was stopped by her mom who asked if they could talk privately.</p><p>Her nerves were through the roof at the question, but she nodded and led them to her room. Once they were there, she sat on her bed playing with her hands as her mother took a seat beside of her.</p><p>“Your birthdays Saturday.” Willa says breaking the tension, “Are you excited to be 18?”</p><p>“Not really.” Lexa replied truthfully, “I’m not, not excited but being 18 doesn’t really mean much to me. If that makes sense.”</p><p>“I think I understand.” Willa nods, “So I was speaking with Dr. Franco the other day about your future here. As you know the programs are monthly and this is your second and last month but with your birthday coming up, I asked about your off-ground privileges.”</p><p>“Why, I didn’t have anything planned anyways.”</p><p>“Well with the help of Indra I managed to plan a small weekend trip up to the mountains to our cabin in TonDC.”</p><p>“And Becca said I could go?”</p><p>“She was hesitant at first, but she thinks it would be a good family bonding trip and so do I. Plus it’s your birthday and when you were younger both you and Lincoln used to love going to TonDC.”</p><p>“We did?” Lexa asks staring at her mom, she’s been to TonDC a few times, but she never remembered going there with her parents,</p><p>“Yes.” Her mom smiled, “They have skiing and snowboarding, but you only ever wanted to play in the snow. There should be some family albums up there, maybe we can look at them together.”</p><p> “I’d like that.” Lexa smiled, noticing how nervous her mom was but she was trying so that meant a lot. “Who all is going?”</p><p>“Well initially it was just supposed to be family, so your father, Lincoln and I as well as Anya and her parents but that all changed when I mentioned the trip to Lincoln.” She sighed, “Essentially he refused to go without Octavia which led to Anya wanting to bring Raven, so I agreed after realizing I wasn’t going to win. So, to make it fair I went to Clarke and asked her to join us as well.”</p><p>“What?” Lexa asked confusedly, “Why would you do that?”</p><p>“Well, your brother and cousin are bringing their girlfriends, so I thought it was only fair to invite yours.” Willa said quickly noticing she did something wrong,</p><p>“Clarke is not my girlfriend.” Lexa sighed, “Not anymore.”</p><p>“Oh.” Willa murmured, “Now that I think about it, she was rather confused that I asked her to join us. I am so sorry Lexa I didn’t know I mean she was at the hospital that day, so I just assumed you two- It’s ok I’ll just uninvite her.”</p><p>“You can’t do that it would be rude.”</p><p>“You're right.”</p><p>She could handle a weekend with Clarke, it wasn’t like she was on bad terms with her anymore, but they still have yet to talk- really talk but that was ok, this was just for the weekend.</p><p>“I’ll figure something out.” Willa added,</p><p>“No mom, it’s fine.”</p><p>“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable Lexa.”</p><p>“I won’t be it’s Clarke, even if we’re not dating, she’s my best friend.” Lexa really hoped that was true, she’d even settle for friends any way to have the blonde in her life.</p><p>“Only if your sure.” Willa said staring her daughter down who nodded, “Ok, are you ready to go?”</p><p>“We’re going today?” Lexa asked, shocked.</p><p>“No, tomorrow but I thought you might want to sleep in your own bed tonight.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>Lexa packed a few things like her current book and a few of her favorite hoodies before meeting her mom in Becca’s office. She explained how the weekend would work, Lexa would have to do nightly checks via phone calls and when she returned a drug test. She had no plans of doing anything over the weekend, so she was fine with those terms.</p><p>Soon enough she was in the car with her parents and on the way home, Lincoln had decided to walk so it was just her to endure the awkwardness. Neither of her parents said anything and when they arrived, she wasted no time getting to the elevator. She was excited to be home even if it was just for the night, she missed her room and TV and her phone which she wasn’t allowed to have the past month, and everything was there just as she left it.</p><p>Immediately she plugged in her phone before diving into her bed almost moaning at the softness. The center had decent beds, but nothing could compare to her mattress at home.</p><p>“I missed you.” She mumbled into the plush pillows suffocating her in the most amazing way possible.</p><p>For an hour she rolled around and laid in bed mindlessly scrolling through her phone seeing a bunch of notifications, some from Ontari, some from her aunt and uncle and even a few from Clarke.</p><p><strong>CLARKE: </strong>Hi, I hope everything is ok.<strong> <em>10/18/2020</em></strong></p><p><strong>CLARKE: </strong>I don’t know if you’re allowed to have your phone, but I just wanted to check in.<strong> <em>10/19/2020</em></strong></p><p><strong>CLARKE: </strong>Anya just told me they took your phone, so you won’t be seeing these anytime soon.<strong> <em>10/23/2020</em></strong></p><p><strong>CLARKE: </strong>Hey, I know you won’t see these, but I can’t visit and I do want you to know that I’m still thinking about you and I hope you’re doing better. <strong><em>10/25/2020</em></strong></p><p><strong>CLARKE: </strong>It’s been a month since I’ve seen you and I miss you.<strong> <em>11/18/2020</em></strong></p><p><strong>CLARKE: </strong>I shouldn’t be saying that…… but I do.<strong> <em>11/18/2020</em></strong></p><p><strong>CLARKE: </strong>I hope the pie was good I know how much you love them and I’m sorry for visiting... I wanted to see you…... And bring you your pie.<strong> <em>11/26/2020</em></strong></p><p>Lexa smiled reading through the messages, before contemplating a reply. Should she reply?</p><p>“I was hoping you wouldn’t see those.” A voice said startling her,</p><p>She turned seeing the blonde standing at her open door looking gorgeous as usual,</p><p>“I’m a little embarrassed.” Clarke said with a weak smile,</p><p>“Don’t be, I’m glad to know you were checking in.” Lexa said as she sat up on her bed, “And the pie was amazing as always so thank you.”</p><p>“No problem, sorry to show up unannounced.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize Clarke.” Lexa smiled waving for her to come inside the room which the blonde did hesitantly. “I hear you’re coming up to TonDC with us.”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s actually what I came here to talk about.” Clarke replied as she sat on the bed facing the brunette, “When your mom invited me, I was a little shocked, but it quickly became clear she thinks we’re still together.”</p><p>“She did.” Lexa nodded, “But I told her we weren’t.”</p><p>“Listen Lex, I don’t have to come I only said yes because I didn’t really know how to say no, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable on your birthday.”</p><p>“You could never make me uncomfortable Clarke, if you want to come you should.”</p><p>“You want me to come?” Clarke asks staring into beautiful green orbs,</p><p>“I wouldn’t mind if you were there.” Lexa shrugged trying to run from the girls alluring gaze,</p><p>“That’s not an answer.”</p><p>“If I said I did would it make a difference?” Lexa said shyly waiting for an answer but all that followed was silence. It was wrong of her to expect anything from Clarke, she wasn’t the one to mess up, so she just needed to make it clear it was ok if she didn’t come since that’s what she probably wanted. “It’s ok if you don’t Clarke, I understand.”</p><p>“I do.” The blonde mumbled, it was barely audible, and Lexa could hear the hesitance in her voice.</p><p>“Just think about it tonight, if you want to come, come if you don’t then I will understand.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>Both of them sat silently on the bed, Lexa sneaking glances and even catching Clarke staring at her a few times. Lexa wanted to say something but a part of her also just wanted to enjoy having Clarke in her presence.</p><p>“You seem good.” Clarke finally said causing the brunette to smile,</p><p>“I feel really good, Becca’s helped me a lot while I’ve been at the center.”</p><p>“Becca, is she like your roommate or something?” Clarke asked and Lexa was sure there was a hint of jealously, but she brushed it off.</p><p>“Becca is my doctor, her and her twin run the center so it’s easier for everyone to call them by their first names rather than Dr. Franco.”</p><p>“Oh, well I’m glad she’s helped you.” Clarke smiled, “Since you’re here does that mean you’re done?”</p><p>“No, I have a weekend pass but when I get back, I only have about a week and a half left then I get to go home. I’d assume I’ll still have to do therapy and maybe even have a sponsor but I’m fine with that if I get to sleep in my own bed.”</p><p>“I’m really happy this is working for you Lex.” Clarke squeezed the girls hand letting it linger there for a moment, “I was really scared when you passed out- I thought- I was scared I lost you.”</p><p>“You could never lose me.” Lexa assured, reconnecting their hands so that they were intertwined with each other.</p><p>“That’s not true, I’ve lost you before.” The blonde whispered staring down at their hands,</p><p>“From this day forward, I promise I will always be here.”</p><p>“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Clarke said finally looking at the girl,</p><p>Lexa sighed; she knew she deserved that.</p><p>“I can’t change the past but I know I’ll have to prove it to you so I will.” Lexa vowed firmly but Clarke said nothing.</p><p>Instead, the blonde stared at their interwoven hands before taking a deep breathe and standing.</p><p>“I should go.”</p><p>“But I’ll see you tomorrow?” Lexa asks standing now as well,</p><p>“Maybe.” Was all she offered before making her way out of the room leaving Lexa to herself.</p><p>“Right.” Lexa mumbled to herself, did she say something wrong? It felt like something was wrong.</p><p>Instead of letting herself linger on the question too long she decided to pack for tomorrow. She went into her closet pulling out all of her winter pieces since it was December and snow was already falling, by tomorrow New York would no doubt be covered. Everything in her closet turned out to be a disappointment so she decided to see if Anya was up for a shopping trip which she knew would be a definite yes.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Clarke had left Lexa’s a few hours ago and she had absolutely no clue what to do, there were two options, she could go to the mountains with Lexa’s family or stay home. It was a tough choice because she wanted to go, hell she wanted to be around Lexa, but she knew them acting like they didn’t need to talk would only make things worse in the end. Sure, they have been friendly the past couple of months but that was because Clarke was worried about her recovery, or at least that’s what she’s telling herself. Even if that is true, she is also knows her feelings for Lexa have clouded everything lately.</p><p>She didn’t know what to do, she needed advice and that’s what prompted her to make a couple of calls.</p><p>“If you keep pacing like that, you’re going to burn a hole in the floor.” Raven snarked,</p><p>“Yeah princess, you should probably sit down.” Octavia added with a smile as they walked into the blonde’s room.</p><p>“What’s going on, you sounded panicked on the phone.” Raven said taking a seat on the freshly made bed,</p><p>“Because I’m freaking out.” Clarke sighed, “Willa invited me on the trip this weekend and I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>“You don’t want to go?” Octavia asks, as if it is the most obvious question ever and Clarke scoffs,</p><p>“If she didn’t want to go, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” Raven smirks before seeing Clarke’s irritated face. “All I’m saying is if you didn’t want to go the answer would be a simple no, so tell us the concerns first.”</p><p>“All the concerns are Lexa related.” Clarke huffed slumping down to her fur covered carpet, “We haven’t even talked yet, can I really spend the weekend with her in the mountains acting like everything’s fine?”</p><p>“Maybe being up there would give you guys time to talk.” Octavia suggested,</p><p>“It’s her and Lincoln’s birthday, I don’t want to ruin it with a heavy talk about why she left me.”</p><p>“But you do want to be there?” Raven asks to clarify, getting a reluctant nod from the blonde. “She’s almost done with her program and she seems really good, I think if you can handle spending the weekend with her and having your talk in a couple of weeks then you should come.”</p><p>“Plus, you’ll have us, and we can go shopping and ski and it will be fun.” O smiled trying to cheer the blonde up.</p><p>“Guys I just-.” Clarke paused trying to sum up her feelings but all she could feel was the burning of her eyes and all of her emotions from the past years just bubbling up on the cusp of exploding, “I’m so scared- I mean I love her so much and when she left, I felt like a part of me died. And then a year later I see her in the streets of New York, and I realize that part of me never died it just stopped working without her. I’ve loved her for years and she hurt me, but I still love her- what if- what if after our talk we won’t be together? What if the best choice for me isn’t for us to be together?”</p><p>“I wish I could answer that Clarke.” Raven sighed sitting on the floor and pulling the crying girl in her arms, “I wish I could tell you everything will work out, but I don’t know that. I do know that love is scary and sometimes it hurts but if it’s real that pain can become love again if both people want it to.”</p><p>“Why would the best choice be for you two not to be together?” O asks,</p><p>“What if the reason she left me isn’t good enough?” Clarke whispers, “What if I have to force myself to not take her back because the answer isn’t good enough? I know I’d forgive her in a heartbeat no matter the reason because I love her, and I can’t let myself blindly forgive her.”</p><p>“You also can’t let yourself push away someone you love Clarke then you be unhappy.” Raven sighed, “How about you wait until you talk to Lexa, you’ll only know how you feel then.”</p><p>“That sounds reasonable.” Clarke sniffed, still in the girl’s arms.</p><p>“Ok, how about a sleep over?” Octavia suggested, “It’s been a while plus I miss just hanging out with my girls.”</p><p>“Says the one always glued to Lincoln side.” Raven murmured causing the blonde to laugh,</p><p>“As if you aren’t wrapped around Anya’s supermodel thin finger.” Octavia barked back,</p><p>“Alright now that we’ve established you two are whipped how about we order food?” Clarke smiled; it had been a while since the three of them did anything just alone. So, she decided to push her Lexa issues to the back burner and enjoy this moment with her best friends.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>They were leaving for TonDC in thirty minutes and Lexa was packing the last of her things. As expected, Anya was up for a shopping trip and to her surprise so was her mom, so she came along. Initially she thought it would be weird, but it wasn’t at all, her mom was very vocal and helped picked pieces for her which she surprisingly liked. The three of them even sat and ate lunch together and it was nice. It excited Lexa that her mom was trying to an active point in her life even if it was 18 years down the line, she would take what she could get. On the other hand, her father has been the same man she’s known over the years- reserved</p><p>and quiet. It was clear that parenting isn’t something he will ever seem to grasp, and she didn’t think he wasn’t trying but it was clear Willa was making more of an effort.</p><p>Once her three bags were full Willa knocked and told her everyone was waiting downstairs. With a sigh she grabbed her bags and phone before making her way to the elevator.</p><p>“What exactly are we doing at the cabin?” Lexa asks her mom who was beside of her texting.</p><p>“Well, there’s skiing and snowboarding but here is also a small restaurant nearby and I made reservations there for your birthday dinner.” Willa smiled, “If that’s ok.”</p><p>“Mom you don’t have to ask if everything is ok.” Lexa said giving a reassuring smile,</p><p>“I just- I want you to know that I’m really trying Lexa.”</p><p>“I know.” She smiled squeezing her moms’ hand before the doors opened.</p><p>Everyone was stuffing their bags into the two cars and Lexa was even surprised to see a blonde head putting her bag into the car. She was sure Clarke wouldn’t come and even though she’s here she decides not to let that mean too much.</p><p>“I’m riding with Indra.” Lincoln mumbled moving passed Gustus who barely gave him a glance.</p><p>Lexa just rolled her eyes and got into the car her parents would be driving, she understood her brother’s frustrations, but she still wished he would at least try with their parents or at least their mom.</p><p>Her dad took the drivers seat and her mom the passenger and to Lexa’s surprise she felt movement beside her in the back.</p><p>“There’s only enough room for Octavia and Lincoln in the other car so you’re stuck with us.” Anya smirked taking the seat next to Lexa with Raven and Clarke by her side.</p><p>“Every road trip needs entertainment. “Lexa smirked at her cousin, “And we’ll definitely need it.”</p><p>The drive was only two hours, but her parents weren’t talking and no one else was either so Lexa decided to take the initiative and at least turn on the radio. Pop music seemed was the only station to play due to the bad weather and no one brought an aux cord with them, but Lexa was just grateful for the noise.</p><p>She tried not to look at Clarke much, but she could see the blonde sneaking glances at her and it was hard not to look back. She didn’t want to make her feel weird so she thought the best way to do that would just be to avoid her side of the car and then when they arrive the cabin.</p><p>She found that watching the snow fall outside of the window was not a good pastime, so she did what every teenager does and that’s go on their phone.</p><p>An hour in Anya needed to pee so they stopped at the closet rest stop which Lexa was grateful for. She needed the air and to stretch, plus the scenery wasn’t half bad. They were already halfway into the TonDC mountains which were covered beautifully with white powder.</p><p>While they waited for Anya Lexa decided to snap a few pictures for the memories and what not.</p><p>“It’s beautiful here.” A voice said startling her,</p><p>“It is.” Lexa smiled, finally getting a good look at the blonde. The cold was already making her pale cheeks and nose red and flakes were decorating the blonde waves that framed her face. Without thinking Lexa snapped a picture of her before realizing what she had done, instead of acknowledging it she just went back to photographing the trees.</p><p>“Can you send me those?” Clarke asks still looking at the brunette, “I’d love to draw it.”</p><p>“Of course.” Lexa replied seeing her mom waving for them thankfully, with one last smile she made her way back to the car sliding into her spot only to see Clarke taking the one next to her.</p><p>
  <em>What the hell is she doing? Ok, relax the ride is only less than an hour from here then you can escape to your room and gather your thoughts. </em>
</p><p>“Oh, Clarke honey you’re freezing.” Willa exclaimed reaching down in her bag before pulling out a blanket, “I do hope you brought a bigger coat.”</p><p>“I did, it’s in my bag.” Clarke smiled accepting the cover, “Thank you Willa.”</p><p>“No problem dear.” The older woman smiled, and all Lexa could think is how that was the motherliness thing she’s ever seen from the woman, but she did always like Clarke so that’s consistent.</p><p>She always did wonder why the woman seemed to like the blonde so much but its Clarke what isn’t there to like?</p><p>“You want some?” Clarke asked motioning to the blanket that seemed to be big enough to cover all of them.</p><p>“Sure.” Lexa smiled politely taking the soft fabric and covering herself with it,</p><p>Twenty minutes into the drive and she could feel Clarkes hand touching her leg, she knew it was probably by accident, but her mind was on overdrive. Her best bet was to close her eyes and wait it out, so she did.</p><hr/><p>The next time she opened her eyes she was greeted by their huge brick cabin. She moved to open the door but stopped feeling something heavy on her shoulder, she looked over seeing a sleeping Clarke pressed against her. At first, she smiled before realizing she needed to get out of the car and out of this situation before Clarke wakes up and rejects her or something. As if Anya can read her mind, she grabs the blonde nodding for Lexa to get out much to the brunette’s relief.</p><p>Once she’s free from the blondes grasp, she hops out of the car and takes in the view of two-story cabin that will be their home for the weekend. The place was ridiculously huge and lux but also, she expected nothing less of her parents.</p><p>“It’s bigger than I remember.” Lincoln said joining her in ogling,</p><p>“Yeah.” Lexa said before smiling, “Race you to the biggest room.” She yelled before taking off hearing her brother cursing behind her.</p><p>If memory served her the biggest room was on the second floor at the end of the hall but she also knew the room with the best view was on the first floor so last minute she made her way there hearing Lincoln run toward the stairs.</p><p>Once she reached the room, she opened the huge blinds getting a view of the frozen river behind the house.</p><p>“Damn you.” Lincoln said running into the room out of breathe, “I forgot this had the view.”</p><p>“View over size always bro.” she grinned taking a seat on the queen size bed, “You can have it if you want it.”</p><p>“No, it’s cool plus O’s probably already upstairs unpacking.” He smiled, sitting next to his sister,</p><p>“I know I’m not in the place to asks for favors but promise me you’ll try with them this weekend.” Lexa said getting a sigh from the boy, “I know it can’t erase 18 years, but mom is really trying.”</p><p>“That’s it, mom is trying. “Lincoln says, “Dad could care less, it’s like he’s here but not really and something is weird between them.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I hear them fighting at home sometimes, they never fight, and they barely talk to each other when they’re around it’s weird Lex.”</p><p>“It’s probably because of me.” Lexa sighs, of course she could add ripping her parent’s marriage apart to her list.</p><p>“No, I don’t think so, something more is going on I just don’t know what.”</p><p>“Can we just put it on the back burner for the weekend?” Lexa asks leaning into her brother, they weren’t completely ok, but it was their birthday weekend, and she didn’t want to fight.</p><p>“Fine.” He rolled his eyes, “You only turn 18, once right?”</p><p>“Exactly. “she laughed but was soon cut off by the clacking of heels walking into the room, “What’s your problem.”</p><p>“My mom.” Anya exclaimed before throwing herself on the bed next to the siblings. “She won’t let me share a room with Raven which is so annoying, we all know you and O will be in the same room!”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s because our parents don’t care about what we do.” Lincoln said getting a nudge from Lexa,</p><p>“Still. “Anya moaned, “So not fair!”</p><p>“Why can’t you just sneak into her room like any other teenager would.” Lexa pointed out,</p><p>“I could do that.” Anya said sitting up, “I never thought of that.”</p><p>“Because you’re not a delinquent like me.” Lexa smirked,</p><p>“You got that right, I gotta go my silks can’t be in a bag for too long before they crease, and I’m not prepared to deal with that nightmare.” Anya said before making her way out of the door,</p><p>“Dramatic as always.” Lincoln laughs before standing, “So Clarke’s here, that’s a surprise.”</p><p>“Mom invited her, she thought we were still together.”</p><p>“Oh, well she did always like Clarke.” He replied, “And you’re ok with this?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s fine.” Lexa shrugged, “I’m going to unpack.”</p><p>“You know you can talk to me, right?” Lincoln asked seriously, “I know we’ve both said a lot of things but you’re still my little sister Lexa you can always come to be.”</p><p>“Still holding those ten minutes over my head I see.” Lexa joked, he was older by ten minutes and in a weird way he always did act like the big brother.</p><p>“I always will.” He smirked pulling the girl into his arms, “No matter what, parents or no parents you can talk to me do you understand?”</p><p>“I do.” She nodded against his chest, “You can talk to me too, I know I haven’t been the best sister but from now on I will be I promise.”</p><p>He nodded with a smiled giving his sister one last hug before pulling away,</p><p>“I’m proud of you Lex.” He said before making his way out of the door,</p><p>Lexa once again turned to the view of the frozen lake wondering if it was solid enough for skating. Snowboarding and Skiing was not really her thing but skating she could do.</p><p>“Hey.” Clarke said knocking on the door,</p><p>Lexa took a deep breathe before turning to face the blonde,</p><p>“Sorry to bother you.”</p><p>“You’re not a bother.” Lexa said with a smile, “What’s up?”</p><p>“So, since Indra is making Anya and Raven sleep separately and the only other room is the one down here across from yours.” Clarke explained, “But I can ask Raven or Anya to maybe switch-.”</p><p>“Clarke it’s ok, unless you’re not comfortable with it but I don’t mind at all.”</p><p>“Ok.” She nodded, “I’ll just-.” She said pointing to the door awkwardly making her way out the door.</p><p>
  <em>How the hell am I going to survive the weekend? </em>
</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Early Friday morning when Clarke woke up between Raven and Octavia after a night of crying and thinking, she decided she wanted to go on the trip. More than anything she wanted to give herself a valid reason for wanting to go but she decided she didn’t need one. Lexa and she were complicated right now but would it be so bad for them to put it on the back burner for a couple of days? Would it be bad to pretend they were fine for the sake of being in each other’s presence?</p><p>She has missed Lexa for a year and now she’s here and even though they are not together she still can’t help but feel the pull towards the girl. Lexa was her magnet and resisting was so hard and she was tired so the weekend would be her break.</p><p>When they got to the Fox’s she put her bag in the car and waited until the birthday girl arrived. Lexa barely looked at her besides giving her a smile before</p><p>getting in the car and even once they were all in the car and on the road, she could tell Lexa was avoiding her gaze. And when they stopped, and Lexa took a picture of her she could tell the brunette forgot just for a moment that they weren’t them and it stung.</p><p>The rest of the car ride was quiet, and Clarke could see that the brunette had fallen asleep so without thinking she rested her head on the girl’s shoulder. Being this close to her made her heart ache in ways she didn’t know possible because she missed feeling her. The amount of comfort she felt just from this small moment was alarming, but she decided that was something she didn’t need to care about either.</p><p>When they got to the cabin Clarke was impressed, the place was huge but beautiful. Everything was surrounded by trees and a huge lake in the back, there were only a couple of house close by, so it was quiet. This was definitely somewhere she could see herself living year around, drinking coffee on the balcony and sketching the view.</p><p>The inside was just as impressive, the dark wooden floors were shiny, the ceilings were tall and decorated with a chandelier. It was an open layout almost similar to a loft but way bigger.</p><p>Upstairs she ran into Anya who seemed to just have a fight with her mom about the rooms and how she was by no means sharing with Raven. That being the case meant the only room left was downstairs, so the girl showed her to it. Of course, it would be the one by Lexa’s but she didn’t mind she just hoped the brunette wouldn’t.</p><p>“This is it.” Anya said opening the door for her, the room was nice with big windows and queen-sized bed with a few dressers.</p><p>“Thanks Anya.” She smiled before going in the room and unpacking a few of her things, only the necessary stuff like skin care, toothbrush, and hair care. She figured keeping her clothes in the bag wouldn’t hurt since they would only be here for a couple of days.</p><p>After everything was set, she made her way over to Lexa’s room to see if her being down here would be an issue for her. Mostly it was an excuse to talk to the girl and when it was over, she was sad, but they had the weekend.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>It wasn’t until an hour after settling that Lexa decided to leave her room and venture through the rest of the house. It had been years since she stepped foot in it, but it was how she remembered, grand and expensive like every property owned by the woods. Eventually she made her way to the kitchen where she found her aunt cooking.</p><p>“Finally came out of your room I see.” Indra smiled before going back chopping her vegetables.</p><p>“What are you cooking?” Lexa asks as she sat at the counter, the only times she’s ever had a home cooked meal is when she’s with her aunt and uncle. They’re amazing cooks and it’s nice to eat something that wasn’t delivered.</p><p>“I thought I would make you and Lincoln’s favorite, Cajun chicken pasta.”</p><p>“Yay.” Lexa cheered getting a laugh from the woman, “I’ve missed your cooking.”</p><p>“It’s only been a few months since you were in California, but knowing you kids it’s been takeout every night.”</p><p>“I made a grill cheese one night.” Lexa said, “Maybe you should’ve taught your daughter few skills.”</p><p>It’s almost comical how opposite Anya is of her parents, where’s she’s more high fashion bougee they are simplest.</p><p>“We spoiled her too much, she’ll never pick up any cooking skills now.” She smiled,</p><p>Lexa sat and talked with Indra as she cooked, mostly talking about nothing but it didn’t matter being in her company was enough.</p><p>“Hi ladies.” Willa smiled joining the pair, “It smells lovely Indra.”</p><p>“Thank you, I was just telling Lexa instead of watching she could help.”</p><p>“I can’t cook.” Lexa shook her head,</p><p>“It would be polite to help Lexa.” Willa said to the girl who shrugged, “Plus knowing to cook is a great skill.”</p><p>“Only if you help too, god knows you can’t cook.” Lexa said seeing her mom’s eyes get big,</p><p>“I would only be in the way.” Willa replied, expecting Indra to agree but it’s the opposite.</p><p>“Nonsense, I’ll show you everything you need to do.” Indra said motioning for her to come and reluctantly she did.</p><p>The first ten minutes was just Indra showing the pair how to cut an onion which she was sure would lead to someone bleeding, but they were good so far. The disaster started when Willa let the sauce boil over the pan causing the fire to spark and scare her making her tip half of the sauce to the ground.</p><p>“I- I’m sorry.” Willa sighed grabbing some paper towels to clean her mess,</p><p>“It’s ok.” Indra smiled helping her, the two of them never really got along too well mostly due to the fact that Willa was an absent mother, but Lexa hoped their relationship could be on the mend too.</p><p>“When I first taught Nyko to cook he almost burned down half of our kitchen.” Indra continues before going to salvage what was left of the sauce. “It’s good, here.” The woman held out a spoon for Willa to taste.</p><p>Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the interaction and sneak a few photos as well- <em>memories sake</em>. By the time they were done the kitchen was filled with laughs and promises of more cooking lessons before Indra retreats back to California.</p><p>“I suppose everyone will eat separately tonight.” Willa said rather disappointed as most everyone grabbed their food and wondered off to different parts of the house.</p><p>“We should take it as a win, we won’t be shrouded in teen gossip all night.” Indra smiled, “How about we take our food to the indoor balcony?”</p><p>“I’d like that.” Willa smiled grabbing her own plate, “Lexa will you be joining us?”</p><p>“You two go, perhaps I’ll join the teenage gossipers.” She smiled watching the two women walk off together,</p><p>Initially Lexa thought she would join the others who seemed to be eating in the lounge but the more she thought about it the more she figured her room would be the better option. This way everything wouldn’t be all about her, there would be no rehab questions or how are you’s or you look well’s- and she knows they mean well but in a self-deprecating way it felt almost humiliating. Even if they didn’t ask those questions, she would think they were thinking them and ultimately, she just wanted to save herself the overthinking. So instead, she hauled herself in her room until all of her food was gone.</p><p> The sun was setting and even though the view from the room was amazing she decided she wanted a better one. So, she threw on some warm clothes and boots and made her way outside. The back of the house faces a river that they had a doc on, so she decided to sit there. The wood was freezing, and she should’ve brought a blanket, but she didn’t mind it.</p><p>Her air pods were tucked tightly in her ears as a depressing Lana Del Rey song flowed through them. She was a day away from 18 and here she was, in rehab her life in shambles but for the first time it actually felt like things might be ok.</p><p>Absentmindedly she took photos of the sunset and the frozen river, even seeing some kids a little further down skating on it which made her smile. She made a note to check one of the stores nearby for skates.</p><p>About thirty minutes in she was freezing but the view was too beautiful to pass up, so she sat and took more pictures. It wasn’t until she heard the wood of the doc creaking that she realized someone was behind her.</p><p>“Hi.”</p><p>“Hey.” Lexa said taking out her headphones,</p><p>“Is it ok if I join you?” Clarke asks hesitantly holding two mugs and a blanket,</p><p>“Sure.” She smiled scooting over almost regretting it instantly because her spot was warm but at least Clarke would be. “What’s that?”</p><p>“Hot chocolate.” Clarke said handing her the mugs and taking a seat, “It’s disgusting but your mom made it and I felt bad saying no.”</p><p>Lexa laughed setting the mugs on the wood before spreading the blanket over the blonde,</p><p>“She’s still learning the whole cooking thing.”</p><p>“She seems different.”</p><p>“Cooking isn’t the only thing she learning.” Lexa sighed, wondering if she can even talk to Clarke about stuff. “She trying to be a mom for the first time ever.”</p><p>“Yeah? And how’s she doing?” Clarke asks scooting closer to the brunette and wrapping the blanket around both of them.</p><p>“So far, fine.”</p><p>“But your scared she’ll just leave again.” Clarke said making the brunette tense. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“No- I mean that is true I guess I just- I forgot how well you know me.” Lexa smiled staring down at her nearly frostbitten hands.</p><p>“Twelve years of knowing someone will do that.” Clarke smiled staring at the brunette, first she admired her flushed face and how her beautiful tan skin had a slight pink to it from the cold. Then she admired those emerald eyes that she could see held a lot of pain, pain she wished she could syphon away, pain she wished she could understand. Next were the most dangerous thing, the one thing her eyes couldn’t avoid, the one thing she craved to feel pressed against every inch of her body, amazing, plump lips that even chapped looked like the most appealing thing to her.</p><p>“How about you, how are you?” Lexa asks eager to get the attention off of her plus she genuinely wanted to know.</p><p>“I’m ok.” Clarke says staring out at the frozen river. “Me and my mom started talking.”</p><p>“Really?” Lexa asks surprisingly, Abby was something they never talked about not even when they dated. Mostly it was because Abby never had many nice things to say to the brunette which she knew angered Clarke even If she said it was fine.</p><p>“She met a man who’s a therapist and apparently he’s trying to fix her.”</p><p>“Has it helped?”</p><p>“So far she seems better.” She shrugged,</p><p>“But you think she’s doing it just for this guy.” Lexa says getting a look from the blonde, “Twelve years remember.” She smiled.</p><p>“I don’t think she’s doing it for this guy, but I do hope she isn’t.”</p><p>“I’ve given my mom a chance and it seems to be working out so far, I know Abby has been…..”</p><p>“A demonic evil vile excuse for a mother?” Clarke finished, and Lexa nodded,</p><p>“But maybe she genuinely wants to change even if it will never be great it can at least me ok.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Clarke sighed, she hasn’t talked about her mom with any of her friends since homecoming and annoyingly it felt natural to talk to Lexa. “You didn’t eat with us earlier, why?”</p><p>“I ate in my room.” Lexa said hoping that would be a good enough answer, but she should’ve known better, “I haven’t really been around everyone together yet and I don’t want a million questions.”</p><p>“I get that.” “I’m sorry if I’ve annoyed you with those questions.”</p><p>“You haven’t.” Lexa said grabbing the girls cold hand getting a look she could quite decipher making her pull away, but Clarke stopped her squeezing her hand tightly so she couldn’t move it. “I’m glad you decided to come.”</p><p>“Me too.” Clarke mumbled as she stared out into the growing darkness,</p><p>For what felt like forever they sat there in silence holding hands and simply enjoying each other’s company. Both waiting for the shoe to drop and for someone to pull away and ten minutes later out of fear of rejection Clarke decided to be the first.</p><p>“I think I’m going to go inside.” She said quietly feeling Lexa’s warm grip loosen on her hands and she almost regretted her words.</p><p>“Ok.” Lexa replied barely audible. “You can leave the cups and stuff I’ll get it.”</p><p>Clarke nodded, not that Lexa would notice since she was too busy fiddling with the hem of the blanket.</p><p>“Goodnight.” Clarke said hoping to get the girl to look at her,</p><p>“Goodnight.” Lexa said, still staring at the blanket hearing footsteps.</p><p>This whole trip she has felt Clarke has been acting strange, she assumed it was because of her recovery and maybe the blonde decided to be friendly, but Lexa didn’t know if she preferred that. It felt confusing having the blonde in her good graces when there was still so much, they needed to discuss. A part of her wanted to talk to Clarke while they were here, she wanted her to know everything and she wanted to lay everything out on the table. Clarke agreed to wait for her to finish treatment, but Lexa truly felt ready for this talk, she felt like she could be 100% honest because for the past month she’s been forced to face all of her shit and now all she wants is to make things right. If she can.</p><p>By the time she got back inside her body was frozen so she decided a warm bath would do the trick. Luckily, her room had a bathroom so she could sit as long as she wanted without rush.</p><p>One amazingly warm bath later she was already feeling warm now all she needed was tea. At the center she got into the habit of making tea before bed, usually it was sleepy time, but green tea was also a favorite.</p><p>After throwing on some sweatpants and a crop she made her way to the kitchen where she could only find some peppermint herbal tea which was good enough. She put the kettle on- because of course they have an actual kettle and waited patiently for it to boil.</p><p>While she waited, she sorted through photos on her phone that she had taken throughout the day. The first ones where of the snowy mountains and the one of Clarke which was breath taking. Before she could dwell on it too much, she heard hushed voices coming from the living room.</p><p>“- can’t believe you are actually doing this!”</p><p>“Willa-.”</p><p>
  <em>What the hell?</em>
</p><p>Usually, Lexa would mind her business but after her talk with Lincoln about their parent’s curiosity overcame her. She turned the kettle off before silently creeping into the hall where she could hear them clearly.</p><p>“This is so like you!” Willa exclaimed, “What do you expect me to tell them Gustus?”</p><p>“I’m sure you can come up with something.”</p><p>“It’s bad enough they already think we’re going to abandon them again and you pull this!”</p><p>“I’m not abandoning them Willa!” he sighed, “I just need to take care of this for good.”</p><p>“You mean take care of your whore.” She spat.</p><p>“Don’t!” he warned,</p><p>“You’re so predictable, I hope you know that.” She scoffed, “You’re defending her when our kids here need us, it’s their birthday tomorrow and you’re talking about leaving for her!”</p><p>“I don’t know what you want me to say.”</p><p>“I want you to get out of my fucking face before we both say something we regret.”</p><p>Lexa could hear someone walking away before the faint sound of crying filled the emptiness. Confused didn’t even begin to describe what Lexa was feeling after hearing what she just heard, and she could rack her brain all night trying to decipher her parent’s words, or she could go straight to the source and demand answers- something she’s never done when it came to her parents.</p><p>Without another thought she walked into the living room only to find her mother a mess on the crushed velvet couch. She’d be lying if she said it didn’t break her heart a little seeing her like that.</p><p>“Mom.” She said startling the woman who looked completely mortified that Lexa was there.</p><p>“Lexa, I uh- I.”</p><p>“I heard everything.” Lexa cut her off taking the seat next to her seeing her sigh defeatedly.</p><p>“Perfect.” She mumble wiping her tears, “That’s just perfect.”</p><p>“What’s going on?”</p><p>“It’s nothing Lexa, nothing to worry about.” She tried to assure but Lexa wasn’t going for that.</p><p>“No, you’re going to tell me the truth.” She demanded, getting a surprised look from her mom, “This only works if your wiling to be honest, if you’re just going to lie then you might as well just leave again.”</p><p>For the first time Lexa could see her mom’s put together façade slowly slipping away, what is usually perfect hair, skin, nails, makeup is now runny mascara and frizzy curls.</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>“He’s cheating on you?” Lexa asks, seeing fresh tears fall from her mother’s eyes.</p><p>“I suppose I should just start from the beginning.” Willa finally said, staring holes into her hands. “When you and Lincoln were four, I had a miscarriage when I was five months pregnant. It was devastating for me and your dad because we were so far along and to add fuel to the already terrible gruesome fire, I was told I wouldn’t be able to have more kids. I didn’t take that well at all and it was hard to accept and for so long I refused to. I pushed for us to keep trying and the constant disappointment every time a test would be negative it put more and more space between me and your father. We both always wanted kids which I know may be hard for you to believe but it’s true and knowing we couldn’t have that drove a wedge between us. It got to the point where we would only talk if it had to do with you and Lincoln and even then, it was spotty. So, when you both were six, I planned a trip for us to reconnect. Indra had agreed to keep you and I thought it would help us, not only become better spouses but parents but it seemed to do the opposite.” She laughed sadly,</p><p>“We went to Bali; it was beautiful and so were the women as your father noticed. I thought the trip had went well but a year later I come to find out he managed to get someone pregnant during it.”</p><p>“He has a kid with someone?” Lexa yelled,</p><p>“Lexa-.”</p><p>“No, does he?” she pushed,</p><p>“Yes.” She nodded, “He has a daughter nam-.”</p><p>“No, no, no I don’t need details.” She interrupted trying to wrap her mind around this, “Wha- why are you still with him?”</p><p>“Lexa it’s complicated.” She sighed,</p><p>“Well make it uncomplicated!” she demanded,</p><p>“I- I love him.” She whispered feeling completely ashamed, “I wanted to fix what I broke-.”</p><p>“What you broke?”</p><p>“We were so in love and the moment I couldn’t have kids it was broken and-.”</p><p>“Mom, that is not your fault! And it sure as fuck does not give him the right to cheat and have a baby with someone else!” she said firmly,</p><p>“I know I just- I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>“This is why you guys aren’t around?” Lexa asks,</p><p>“In the beginning we did travel for the business and I hoped that would give us opportunity to fix our relationship- I even quit designing and the first couple years it did, but business trips turned to him sneaking off to Australia where he moved the woman and the child leaving me in whatever city we happened to be in. Usually, I would fly to the house in Oregon to hide out.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you come back to us?”</p><p>“I wanted to.” She cried, “I wanted to so bad and at the times I did come home without him, but you guys were so young and would ask me where your dad was, and I just felt myself breaking. I didn’t know what to say and when he was around, I felt so lost. I felt like I needed to fix us before we came back to you when I should’ve put both of you first, I was just too much of a coward. Most of the time we would talk on the phone I would be alone in Oregon trying not to think about what your father was doing. Every phone call I would try and make it seem like me and your father were off on some romantic quest, but I was alone. Truthfully, I let your father’s affair ruin me and felt like you were better off without me.”</p><p>“That’s not true.” Lexa whispered, feeling her own tears sting her eyes. “What even made you come back now?”</p><p>“Believe it or not Indra, and our last phone call.” She said, now wiping her daughter’s tears. “The day you arrived in New York Indra called me, she wouldn’t tell me exactly what was going on just that she wanted you to explain and that I needed to be there. A few days later I called and instead of actually being a parent and asking you I wanted you to tell me and you didn’t, but you said you had been crying and when I got off the phone, I called your father and made the arrangements. And I’m so glad we did, knowing what I know now and seeing you pass out like scared me to death.”</p><p>This was too much information, too many answers that she didn’t know what to do with. For so long she blamed herself for them being gone but the truth is what she’s always known, they were selfish. They put everything even other kids before them and all they could do was wonder why.</p><p>“No explanation will ever be enough Lexa; I know that but no matter what happens next I’m going to spend the rest of my life being here and trying to be the mom you deserve.”</p><p>“Where is he going?” Lexa asks, “Why were you arguing?”</p><p>“She called; I don’t ask details I just know it’s for her.” She whispered, “Both of them.”</p><p>“He’s going to leave us on our birthday for them?” Lexa said angrily, “Why the fuck are you still with him and don't tell me it's because you love him.”</p><p>“I do love him, but I’m starting to realize that may not be enough.”</p><p>Lexa was mad, she was pissed at her dad, that he was choosing his other family- that he even had another family. She was pissed that he ruined her mom, and she was pissed that her mom let him. Words can’t explain how mad she was at both of them but sitting here seeing the woman she assumed was perfect, completely broken, and helpless made some of that anger dissipate even if just for tonight.</p><p>“You need to tell Lincoln.”</p><p>“Lincoln hasn’t even spoken five words to your father since we returned this will ruin any chance of a reconciliation.”</p><p>“There can be no reconciliation with lies.” Lexa said, “That’s why we’re all in this predicament now!”</p><p>“Just- at least wait until after the trip. “Willa pleaded, “Promise me.”</p><p>“I can’t do that.” In her mind she wanted to run upstairs and tell the boy now, but she felt her mom should have that honor.</p><p>“I guess that’s fair.” She sighed, combing through her curls. “You should head to bed Lexa.”</p><p>“So, should you.”</p><p>“I will.” She said attempting a smile that just looked like a grimace.</p><p>“You can’t seriously tell me you’re going to go sleep in the same bed as him.” She scowled before schooling her face.</p><p>“It wouldn’t look very good if I slept here on the couch, plus I wouldn’t dare ruin such delicate fabric.”</p><p>“You need to stop worrying about what people will think, you want people to think this family is perfect but news flash you have a cheating husband and a daughter in rehab it’s not perfect. I just hope you realize perfect means nothing if your family is unhappy and falling apart.”</p><p>Willa nodded, trying to find something she could say but she felt vulnerable and defenseless and she had no clue how to fix any of it.</p><p>“Now come on.” Lexa said standing and pulling her mom up as well,</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>“To my room, you’re going to sleep with me and we’re going to watch movies.” She smiled, willing herself to put all of this to the side no matter how much she wanted to run upstairs and wreak havoc.</p><p>“Really?” Willa asks insecurely, did her daughter truly want to watch movies with her?</p><p>“Yes.” She nodded pulling her towards the room.</p><p>She gave her sweatpants which she grumbled at but put them on- <em>god she’s so much like Anya it’s unsettling. </em>Once she was dressed for bed Lexa turned on the huge TV and logged into Netflix and let her mom choose which seemed to excite her.</p><p>An unhealthy amount of time later the woman finally settled on some space documentary that looked ‘neat’, but Lexa just agreed for the sake of having something playing. It wasn’t so bad, and it was interesting to see her mom enjoy something so mundane.</p><p>“Lexa, I want you to know that I meant every word I said.” Willa said taking her eyes off the TV for the first time in the half hour it’s been on, “I can’t fix the past, but I’ll never make those mistakes again. You and Lincoln are the only thing that matter and in order to be a better mom I see I need to work on some things about myself and I will. I’m going to do everything I need to, to be the mom you both deserve. I know I haven’t earned your trust, but I promise I will.”</p><p>Lexa didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t give some half ass answer to make her mom feel better or say that she believes her because she doesn’t, not yet.</p><p>So instead, she cuddles into the woman’s side who tenses briefly before wrapping her arms around her and for a second she found herself wishing she had more nights like this growing up. More nights in her mom’s arms for no other reason than she wanted to- but she didn’t but she also found herself hoping she would have more nights like this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>once again sorry for the long chapter! the next one may be lengthy as well and..... heartbreaking? I hope this doesn't make it seem like Willa is blameless she isn't and Lexa and Lincoln will have a hard time with these revelations also Clarke and Lexa will have to deal with their feelings sooner than you may think......... next up the twins turn 18</p><p> </p><p>Don't forget to comment, feedback is welcome and wanted!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Ignorance is Bliss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lexa has a hard time dealing with the new information about her dad.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another long chapter but it's a interesting one.....</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>It's getting clouded up here in my brain</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>No I don't know why</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>Sometimes I'm this way</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>I should be feeling the high</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>But I'm low -Home by Mia Sayoko</strong> </em>
</p><hr/><p>When Lexa woke up the next morning the other side of her bed was empty except for a note and neatly folded sweatpants.</p><p>
  <em>Happy birthday angel, when you wake come to the kitchen for breakfast and gifts of course! -mom.</em>
</p><p>She smiled briefly at the note before realizing she would probably have to be in the same room as both of her parents with all of this new information. It was hard enough not barging into her fathers’ room last night to confront him, but then it dawned on her that he probably already left for his second family. That in itself was something she couldn’t believe, if there was one thing, she could say about her parents it’s that they always seemed to be very much in love but apparently that was a sham. She also wondered if her aunt and uncle knew any of this but that didn’t seem likely, they weren’t the secret type of people and she knew Nyko especially would not approve of his brother’s actions.</p><p>Another thing she was worried about was keeping this from Lincoln, she wanted their mom to tell him but her and Lincoln rarely have secrets and he’ll spot if she’s off. <em>Damn him.</em> In the end all she could do was wish for the best and hope the day goes well.</p><p>After getting out of bed she made her way to the bathroom to get a quick shower and do her morning routine. She knew they were doing dinner later, but she had no clue what the beginning of the day would entail.</p><p>Quickly she threw on some black mom jeans and a thermal white shirt with her black beanie and docs before making her way to the kitchen. It was almost noon, but no one here was a morning person so she knew she would be on time.</p><p>As expected, she was the first to arrive as Indra and Nyko were cooking a very delicious breakfast/lunch.</p><p>“Good morning birthday girl!” Indra screamed running the hug the girl who happily accepted it, “I can’t believe you’re 18, god where has the time gone?”</p><p>“Down the drain.” Lexa mumbled before pulling back, “Don’t cry.”</p><p>“No promises.” Indra said turning back to the food trying to the cover her watery eyes,</p><p>“You know her, always emotional.” Nyko smirked pulling Lexa in for a hug, “Happy birthday, kid.”</p><p>“Thanks, Nyko.” She smiled before taking a seat at the counter a few minutes later everyone else filed in with birthday wishes and hugs and to Lexa’s surprise her father was one of them.</p><p>She noticed her mom giving her a pointed look which she ignored, she also ignored her fathers ‘happy birthday’ which didn’t go unnoticed.</p><p>“Happy Birthday sis.” Lincoln smiled entering the kitchen with a flustered Octavia by his side, anyone could guess what present he received this morning,</p><p>“Happy birthday Lincoln.” She grinned pulling him into a hug,</p><p>“Alright how about we eat then gifts.” Willa suggested to which no one had any objections.</p><p>Once the food was distributed Lexa found herself wanting to escape off to her room to eat. Not only was the stress of potentially being bombarded with questions of her recovery weighing down on her but now she also had this family secret to harbor and it was too much.</p><p>Internally she could feel herself freaking out, it was slow, but it was creeping up on her and more than anything she needed air because in a few seconds she wouldn’t be able to breathe. She attempted her breathing exercises that Becca taught her, but it was useless, she was seconds away from a panic attack and the only thing she could do was run.</p><p>“Excuse me.” She mumbled standing from the table and making her way to the front door.</p><p>The cold air hit her promptly and she could feel her nerves calming at the coolness.</p><p>“You’re fine.” She whispered repeatedly as she paced the snowy driveway, her body already shaking at the coldness, but she couldn’t tell the difference.</p><p>“Lex?” she heard a voice say and all she could do was squeeze her eyes shut and school her breathing because <em>she was fine</em>.</p><p>“I’m fine Clarke.” She managed to say, even if it wasn’t believable, she needed to say it.</p><p>Clarke didn’t reply instead she grabbed the girl’s shaky hands into her own in an attempt to help her calm down. Lexa could feel the girls warm body pressing into her own and it helped, but she still couldn’t open her eyes not yet.</p><p>“I got you something.” Clarke whispered; her body still pressed against the brunettes.</p><p>“You shouldn’t have.” Lexa muttered; her voice harder than she intended but Clarke didn’t budge.</p><p>“Yeah, well too bad because I did.” She replied, getting the brunette to smile. “You do have to open your eyes to see it though.”</p><p>Hesitantly Lexa did as she was told coming face to face with clear blue eyes that never ceased to make her heart melt.</p><p>“Come with me.” Clarke said after a minute of them just staring at each other, Lexa didn’t reply she just allowed herself to be walked inside and to the blonde’s room. “I guess the correct term would be for me to say I made you something not got.”</p><p>Lexa watched as the blonde reached into her bag and pulled out a sheet of paper, handing it to the brunette.</p><p>“I haven’t drawn in a while so go easy on me.” Clarke said watching the girl stare at the photo.</p><p>As usual when it came to Clarkes work Lexa was in awe, besides the ones she has in her room she hasn’t seen the girl’s art in a long time. It took staring at this drawing of herself at homecoming to realize how much she missed it.</p><p>“This is amazing as usual Clarke.” She smiled, “Thank you so much.”</p><p>“Your welcome.” Clarke said moving closer to the girl and surprisingly Lexa hugs her, but she welcomes it. She almost hates herself for how at home it feels in her arms.</p><p>“LEXA!”</p><p>“We should go.” Lexa whispered pulling back,</p><p>“Yeah.” She nodded watching the brunette walk out of the room, “Wait, are ok?”</p><p>“I’m fine.” She smiled before leaving, she put the drawing safe in her room before heading back to the group.</p><p>“There you are.” Indra smiled motioning for the brunette to sit next to Lincoln who was wearing a crown with ‘happy b-day’ written across it.</p><p>“I’m not wearing one of those.” Lexa said taking a seat next to her brother,</p><p>“Of course not.” Octavia grinned, “It’s why we got you the tiara version.”</p><p>“Yay.” Lexa groaned feeling her beany being snatched off and replaced with the tacky plastic crown.</p><p>“Just for the record I wanted to get real crowns not this tasteless cheap mess on your heads right now.” Anya added from her seat,</p><p>“But as we discussed it’s the gesture that matters.” Raven smiled from the girl’s side,</p><p>“Alright I’m first.” Octavia cheered pulling out her gifts,</p><p>“We figured Lincoln already got his gift this morning.” Raven smirked seeing her friends face pale.</p><p>“Yes, and unfortunately I’ll never be able to recover from the noises I heard.” Anya groaned,</p><p>“Ok!” Octavia laughed nervously, “Here.”</p><p>Lexa smiled as she opened the gift from the girl seeing it was a silver bracelet with an infinity sign carved into it.</p><p>“Thank you, O I love it.”</p><p>“I love you Lex.” She smiled kissing her cheek before going back to Lincoln’s side.</p><p>Everyone else went around and watched as they opened their gifts, from Raven she got a bunch of candles which she loved. Anya got her a Burberry scarf that she actually liked, her aunt and uncle got her a camera which excited her immediately. At the center she had started photography classes and mentioned it to them during thanksgiving dinner, so she was excited to use it. From her parents her and Lincoln received necklaces with their initials and birthstone, which they both actually liked but Lexa felt like she couldn’t be happy knowing what she knows now.</p><p>When gifts were done everyone decided to go into town to ski or hit the shops but before Lexa could make her escape, she was stopped by none other than her dad.</p><p>“Lexa, before you go, I was hoping I could have a moment.” He said before turning to Lincoln who was to walking out of the dining room. “You too Lincoln, please.”</p><p>Lincoln paused looking like he was going to say no but he just sighed telling Octavia he’ll catch up before sitting back down beside Lexa and across from both of his parents. He could see Lexa looked uneasy and their mom was giving her a look which he didn’t understand but he knew he was missing something.</p><p>“So, I got a call last night from Klaus referring to the business and he needs me to fly out and handle it.” Gustus said and Lexa had to hold in her groan, was he serious? Did her mom not tell him about their talk? By the glare she was giving she obviously didn’t.</p><p>“You’re saying that you’re leaving?” Lincoln asks in a surprisingly cool tone,</p><p>“I have a flight tonight, but I should be back by Monday night.”</p><p>“And this business is more important than spending time with us your kids on our birthday?” Lexa asks accusingly but she was testing him, Klaus was his business partner and long-time friend meaning she knew him and his family more specifically his daughter. Even if she didn’t know he was leaving for his other family she could just text Hope and ask but either way she was not letting him get out this that easy.</p><p> “It’s not more important by any means.” He assured and Lexa almost believed him, “But you know Klaus he likes things done promptly and once I tie up the loose ends it will give me a chance to be home more.”</p><p>The simple fact that he was referring to people- a child as loose ends made her want to barf.</p><p>“I know since I’ve returned, I’ve been a bit distracted and we all have a lot to discuss and when I return, I want to prove to you both that I want things to be better.” Gustus said grabbing his two kids’ hands and Lexa recoiled without thinking leaving the man confused. She couldn’t do this, there was no way in hell she was allowing this man to lie and out of the blue suddenly want to be here. He’s had almost two months to improve their relationship, but he hasn’t and now this….</p><p>“Lexa.” Willa mumbled giving her a pointed look,</p><p>“I know it’s last minute and I am sorry.” Gustus adds upon seeing the girls glare, “I’ll make it up to you both.”</p><p>“So, you’re saying that after today you’re not going to leave anymore?” Lincoln asks and to Lexa it feels like a punch to the gut because she asked him to try and now, he was but now she couldn’t because of what she knew.</p><p>“Yes son, I want to be here, and I know I have to prove that.”</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck, </em>
</p><p>“Can you at least do one thing?” Lexa says trying to speak as calmly as she could, “Stay for dinner, we can have it a couple hours earlier if you want then you can catch your flight.”</p><p>“That sounds reasonable Gus.” Willa smiled, “It’s the least you could do.”</p><p>“Ok.” He nodded, “I’ll make the call to jet.”</p><p>“Swell.” Lexa mumbled before leaving the room and she already knew what was coming,</p><p>“Wait.” Lincoln called, catching her hand. “Somethings up and I don’t lie.”</p><p>She couldn’t lie, she didn’t want to if anything she wanted their parents to tell him, but she knew the lies would just continue and she can’t do that anymore.</p><p>“Not here, meet me at the slopes in like an hour.”</p><p>“You’re skiing?” he asked confusedly,</p><p>“God no, but I don’t want to talk it about here just trust me.” She whispered,</p><p>“Ok, an hour.” He said pointedly before walking away.</p><p>Lexa had a plan, a stupid impulsive messy bad plan but none of that mattered she was doing it, and no one could talk her out of it, but she did need a little help first.</p><p>Quickly she grabbed her jacket and ran outside finding everyone else preparing to walk into to town.</p><p>“Rae.” She yelled getting the girls attention and ignoring the looks from the others, “Can I talk to you for a second.”</p><p>“Of course.” She replied walking off to the side where the others couldn’t hear, “Oh no, somethings wrong, I’m worried.”</p><p>“A lot is wrong.” She groaned, Raven was one of the first friends Lexa ever made on her own, it was the first day of Kindergarten and they hit it off immediately. Meeting her was also how she met all the others including Clarke and they’ve been best friends since. She knew Raven wouldn’t ask her a million questions, she wouldn’t judge her or assume, she would just listen.</p><p>“Lay it on me birthday girl.”</p><p>“I’ll explain everything later but first please tell me your hacking skills are still up to par?”</p><p>“I’m almost offended you even have to ask.” She scoffed but recovered a second later with a devious smile, “Are we scheming?”</p><p>“This may be my most interesting scheme yet.” She sighed,</p><p>“Tell me what you need.” Raven said excitedly, she loved a good mission and it’s been a while.</p><p>Lexa explained the plan and what exactly she needed Raven to do which the girl said shouldn’t be a problem. The only thing now was getting by their nosy friends who had been staring at them the whole time.</p><p>“You guys go ahead; we’ll meet you in like thirty minutes.” Raven yelled to the others,</p><p>“That’s all?” Lexa asks questionably.</p><p>“Don’t doubt my skills.” Raven mumbled seeing the others walking over to them.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Anya asks eyeing her cousin and girlfriend- well they haven’t discussed a title but that didn’t matter right now.</p><p>“Raven’s going to help me with something real quick.” Lexa said,</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“God, do you have to know everything?” Lexa scoffed,</p><p>“Yes.” Anya replied as if it was obvious which only annoyed Lexa even more.</p><p>“I need my best friend for a minute, and I don’t need to explain why.” Lexa replied ignoring the looks, “It’s important.”</p><p>“Fine, explain later though.” Anya replied,</p><p>“It’s my birthday I don’t have to explain anything.” Lexa said sticking her tongue out at the girl before grabbing Ravens hand and running inside. “It should be upstairs in his room.”</p><p>“Ok, what are you going to do?”</p><p>“Be the distraction.” Lexa sighed, “It’s time for a little parent bonding.”</p><p>After checking that her parents were still downstairs Lexa sent Raven upstairs while she joined the pair in the living room.</p><p>“Lexa, we thought had taken off already.” Willa smiled, putting her magazine down.</p><p>“Raven’s still getting ready, so I offered to wait.” Lexa said joining them on the couch as far as she could away from her father, “While I wait, I was thinking you could show me the photo albums you mentioned. I figured we could look at them together, all three of us since Lincoln already left.”</p><p>“That’s a lovely idea Lexa!” Willa cheered moving to a cabinet where she grabbed a few large black folders. Lexa couldn’t help but be surprised at how huge they were since they never spend time together ever. “Lexa come.”</p><p>Her mom patted the spot between her and her dad which she reluctantly took, and the first album was sat on her lap.</p><p>“I believe this one is from when you and Lincoln were about three or four.” Willa smiled opening the book,</p><p>The first picture was of Lincoln and Lexa playing in the snow, they looked beyond happy- so happy that Lexa couldn’t believe it was herself.</p><p>Every picture seem fake like it wasn’t her because she didn’t remember these things- granted not many people remember that age but it would be more believable if she grew up this happy. If she lived with her parents by her side and had been happy for the past twelve years, then these photos would seem real, but they don’t. If anything, she wanted badly to be that little girl with big green eyes and wild curly hair running around in the snow without a care in the world and she couldn’t help but wonder what the moment was that she stopped being her.</p><p>Was it when they partying began or when her parents left them to raise other kids and chill in fucking Oregon?</p><p>“Gus look.” Willa cooed pointing to a picture of Lexa sitting in her dad’s lap, both with big grins on their faces, “You were such a daddy’s girl.”</p><p>
  <em>Now that spot belongs to someone else. </em>
</p><p>“It’s true.” Gustus laughed and Lexa’s heart broke because two days ago she would’ve enjoyed a moment like this, but she can’t, not really.</p><p>No, this is not how it’s supposed to be. She has been working endlessly on fixing herself and being open to fixing her relationships. She’s been trying so fucking hard so why the fuck would he do this to her- to them!</p><p>“Lexa.” Willa said worryingly and it was only then that she felt the tears running down her own face. “Honey-.”</p><p>“I’m fine.” She said wiping her face, she wasn’t fine none of this was fine! It was her birthday and all she could think about was how she should’ve never left the center.</p><p>“Lexi, you ready?”</p><p>She looked up seeing Raven, thankfully- she had no clue how long it had even been, but she did know she need the hell out of here.</p><p>“Yes.” Lexa stood prepared to walk away, “I want to buy some skates so can I have your card?” she asks her dad who nodded,</p><p>“Of course.” He smiled and she wanted to slap him but instead she took the card and left the house, Raven at her heels. It was only once they were outside and halfway to town that she said a word. “What did you get?”</p><p>“I found a lot, bank transactions, pictures.” Raven said hesitantly, “Also some contact information.”</p><p>Lexa stopped taking the paper from the girl, on it was a name with a number and an email written by it.</p><p>“Thank you, Rae.” She mumbled before walking off,</p><p>“Wait, Lex.” She sighed looking at her friends red eyes desperately avoiding her gaze, “Please tell me this isn’t what I think, that your dad does not…”</p><p>“Have a mistress and a child.” Lexa finished before laughing darkly, “I wish I could say it wasn’t true, but it seems it is.”</p><p>“This is so fucked.”</p><p>“I need to go.”</p><p>“No, are you ok?” Raven asked,</p><p>“No, but I will be.” She smiled slightly before walking off,</p><p>When she first asked for Ravens help, she didn’t know what she was going to do with the information- she still doesn’t but now she has all this information, and her dad is being nice, and everything truly is fucked!</p><p>By the time she makes it into town she makes her mind up, she knows what she’s going to do she just needs to talk to Lincoln but first a distraction.</p><p>The slopes were busy, and Lexa had no plans in joining the others, something always scared her about skiing. She loved the snow and the cold, but she decided long ago she would stick to snowmen and ice skating over the slopes any day.</p><p>There was only one shop within walking distance that sold equipment and when she entered, she was delighted to find what she was looking for. They had many types of skates, in all kinds of colors but Lexa saw a blue pair they she couldn’t pass up. This blue was special, instantly it reminded her of a certain blondes’ eyes and suddenly all the other colors were inadequate.</p><p>“Hi, did you find everything ok?” the salesman asked as she put the skates on the counter.</p><p>“Yes, thank you.” She smiled, “I live a little up the from here right along the lake, do you know if it safe to skate?” she saw kids on it yesterday but better safe than sorry, with her luck she’ll fall right through.</p><p>“It is! It’s checked daily, they even have a hot chocolate stand nearby it’s really good!”</p><p>“I’ll have to try it.” she smiled, </p><p>“Alright that’s going to be $240.00.”</p><p>Lexa pulled out her dads’ card from her pocket ready to swipe when she saw a paper for a local charity for endangered arctic animals.</p><p>“Can I add a donation to my purchase?” Lexa asks excitedly for all the wrong reasons- she was glad to be giving back but she also wanted to run up her dad’s card as much as possible.</p><p>“Of course, how much?”</p><hr/><p>After a very, very hefty donation Lexa left the shop feeling quite smug, but it didn’t last long when she felt the paper Raven gave her burning through her pocket.</p><p>“Lexa.”</p><p>“Lincoln.” She sighed walking over to the boy who looked like he was heading to the lift,</p><p>“Can we talk now?”</p><p>“Let’s sit.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Clarke has never been one for skiing or snowboarding, but she assumed she might as well since she was here. She knew Lexa wouldn’t be joining since the girl for some reason despised the activity but she herself didn’t plan on staying down there too long.</p><p>She was also a little worried about Lexa since her mini panic attack this morning and her weird interaction with Raven before they left. Even though she was concerned she tried to put it out of her mind and when they arrived in town she managed to.</p><p>TonDC wasn’t a place she had ever been before, but it was beautiful, the woods itself was amazing but the snow just gives it a magical feeling. She was happy she decided to come, it would’ve been a shame to have missed such a wonderful place.</p><p>“So, what’s up with you and Lexa?” Octavia asks randomly causing the blonde to choke on her hot coco,</p><p>“Nothing, why would you ask that?”</p><p>“We saw you two all cuddled up on the doc last night.” Anya said and Clarke sighed,</p><p>“And you ran after her this morning at breakfast.” Octavia added and Clarke gave her a stop talking look,</p><p>“I don’t know what you two want me to say, I’ve known Lexa for over half of my life as much as I hate her for leaving, I can’t just sit around when somethings wrong with her. Trust me I wish I could.”</p><p>“What happens after she tells you why she left?” Anya asks, “Will that still apply?”</p><p>“I- I guess I won’t know until we have that talk.” Clarke sighed, a part of her never wanted to have that talk- she was too afraid it would only ruin things rather than fix them.</p><p>“Alright change of subject, please tell me you two don’t plan to ski because I do not want to be sitting out here by myself.” Anya said turning to both girls,</p><p>“I told Lincoln I would join him Nyko and Indra on the slopes a little later.” Octavia shrugged,</p><p>“Ugh, fine Clarke?”</p><p>“I’ll keep you company, plus I doubt Raven can with her brace.”</p><p>“Thank god, maybe we can go somewhere with heating?”</p><p>The girls talked for a few more minutes mostly about nothing or school, anything to fill the time. Soon Raven met up with them and Clarke knew immediately something was wrong.</p><p>“How was your little tryst with my cousin.” Anya asks the girl who rolled her eyes,</p><p>“It wasn’t a tryst she just needed my help.” Raven said taking a seat next to the girl,</p><p>“And what pray tell did my dearest cousin need?”</p><p>“Can you just stop with the interrogation.” Raven begged, “Let Lexa tell you later right now can we just go somewhere with heating?”</p><p>“It’s like you were made for me Raven Reyes.” Anya smirked helping the girl stand, “There is a coffee shop and I’m in need of a refill.”</p><p>“I think I’m going to go join Lincoln.” Octavia announced,</p><p>“He looks busy.” Raven says motioning to the boy and Lexa sitting on a bench not too far away. Raven’s heart broke knowing exactly what that conversation was about.</p><p>“Somethings up.” Anya said eyeing the pair, and Clarke couldn’t help but a agree.</p><p>“Her and Lincoln haven’t really talked much, I think that’s what’s happening.” Octavia said and Raven agreed just so no one would ask her any questions.</p><p>“Lexa did mention wanting to clear the air with him.” Raven adds,</p><p>“Hopefully, that goes well.” Anya sighed, “Ok, coffee and maybe shopping?”</p><p>“I could shop.” Raven shrugged,</p><p>“I’ll see you guys later.” Octavia waved them off,</p><p>Soon they were at the coffee shop and Clarke couldn’t have been farther from there. She could hear Anya and Raven talking but she wasn’t listening to a word. The only thing she could think about was freaking Lexa- it’s all she could think about the past couple of days. How she wished she could spend every moment in this beautiful place with her and wake up in her arms and play in the snow like kids because they do- <em>did</em> things like that.</p><p>The more time she spent here the more she wished the past year had never happened, that Lexa had never left her, that they didn’t miss a year of birthdays and holidays and stupid school dances together. Why did she have to take that from them- they were so happy, they could still be so happy, but she ruined them.</p><p>A couple hours later and way too much retail therapy later Clarke was convinced she’ll never get the brunette out of her head. The what if’s will always be there even when her and Lexa finally do talk. She’ll always wonder what they could be had she not left, and she couldn’t do that- not anymore because it was only making her feel worse.</p><p>On the third store Clarke decided she was done for the day and wanted to head back to the house. If there was anything that could clear her head, it was drawing so that’s what she decided to do. Before last night when she drew Lexa’s picture, she hadn’t picked up her sketchbook in a while. There were times over the past year where she wanted to pick it up, but she couldn’t- her inspiration was dead but over the past few weeks it was slowly reviving itself.</p><p>When she got back to the house, she put her newly bought items in her room before grabbing her book and pencils and going outside. It wasn’t until she had arrived that she seen that Lexa was skating. She knew something was wrong with the girl just off one look, but she didn’t bother her. Instead, she set up shop not far from the ice where she began her drawing.</p><p>She watched on and off as the girl moved around the ice even interacting with a few kids, showing them some tricks, which made Clarke smile. Soon her drawing turned into a gliding Lexa accompanied by happy kids, she figured it could be another birthday present.</p><p>While putting the last touches on the picture she could see Willa walking down to the ice. She had a huge fur coat on that was very her and Clarke could tell Lexa wasn’t too happy to see her which is weird since the last they talked she was getting along with her mom.</p><p>
  <em>Ok, something is definitely going on. </em>
</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Skating turned out to be more therapeutic than Lexa had intended for it to be but nevertheless she was thankful. Her talk with Lincoln went as horrible as she expected, she had to physically stop him from marching back up to the house and killing their dad. It was only when she told him her plan that even calmed down the slightest. Admittedly, he wasn’t the biggest fan of what she had in store but once she told him her motives he understood. This family was coveted by too many secrets and Lexa knew that included herself, the only way to truly make anything right was coming clean. There were so many lies and secrets just between their parents and Lexa couldn’t stand it anymore.</p><p>Finally, after talking him down and making him swear not to confront their dad they parted ways, Lincoln to the slopes and Lexa back to the house. She made sure to avoid her parents because she just couldn’t handle seeing them. Once she had warmer clothes on, she made her way to the ice.</p><p>It was nice being somewhere so quiet, where the only noise was her blades against the ice. She wasn’t amazing at skating, but she could get around and even do a few moves which she ended up showing a few kids. They were all adorable and she enjoyed the distraction.</p><p>The brief happiness of her escape didn’t last too long of course, she outwardly groaned when she saw her mother making her way down towards her in her fur and heeled boots- <em>because of course.</em> It was also the first time she noticed Clarke sitting not too far away, but the girl was focused on her sketchbook.</p><p>Timidly she made her way over to her mother who seemed to have a smile on her face.</p><p>“I didn’t know you skated.” Willa said as Lexa sat in the snow taking her skates off.</p><p>“You don’t know a lot about me.” Lexa replied pointedly hearing a sigh fill the silence.</p><p>“I know but I do look forward to getting to know what things you enjoy.” Willa said attempting to lighten the mood.</p><p>“Did you come out here for a reason?” Lexa asks, standing once her Sperry boots were back on. She didn’t want to be mad at her mom and in a way, she wasn’t but this knowledge was too much to bare and it was slowly ripping her apart.</p><p>“I came to see if you were ok.”</p><p>“No, I’m not ok.” Lexa said harshly, “None of this is ok, I don’t even understand how you can pretend it is.”</p><p>“I had a very productive talk with your father this morning and he really wants to be here Lexa.” Willa said, “He wants a relationship with you both and he promised to make more of an effort.”</p><p>“The two months that you’ve been here he never seemed more uninterested in something in his fucking life. Just admit he doesn’t care about us, or maybe you just can’t admit that he’d rather be somewhere happy with his other family.”</p><p>Lexa knew she hit a nerve but right now she didn’t care- right now it wasn’t her job to make her mom feel better about her and her dad’s mistakes.</p><p>“You can’t hide behind this anymore mom, you can’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not and you can’t pretend this family is perfect when it’s far from it.”</p><p>“That’s not what I’m trying to do here Lexa.”</p><p>“Then what are you trying to do?”</p><p>“Fix our family.”</p><p>“You can’t do that when you’re still lying.” Lexa yelled, “Were you even going to tell us about dad’s affair or were you just going to lie and say you stayed away for business like dad.”</p><p>“I never wanted either of you to know that because I knew it would ruin the chance to have a relationship with your father.”</p><p>“You can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it.”</p><p>“Listen Lexa, i know what it may seem like, but your dad loves both of you and he doesn’t show it, but he is just ashamed as I am when it comes to all of this. We both want to fix this.”</p><p>“Why are you still defending him?”</p><p>“I’m not defending him Lexa I- I don’t want my kids to not have a relationship with their father.”</p><p>“Well up until two months ago we didn’t have a relationship with either of you, and you didn’t care then!” this was it, Lexa thought.</p><p>This was the pent-up anger and fights she never had with either of her parents. This was the blow up that never happened because she chose to be calm and cool and choose to avoid the fight because more than anything she wanted- no needed her parents but this is not what she needs.</p><p>“I don’t want to fight with you, I wish you would’ve just left me at the center because I can’t do this.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry Lexa.” Willa mumbled quickly wiping her own tears, “This isn’t what I want either, I wanted both of you to have a good day.”</p><p>“I know that you’re trying and I’m so happy that you are, but you can’t fix me or Lincoln’s relationship with him he has to do that himself and there can’t be lies.”</p><p>“I know that and that’s why after the weekend when he returns, we will all talk.”</p><p>Lexa wanted to say she couldn’t wait for that, that she couldn’t even believe that and it’s why she felt like she needed to take things into her own hands. So, all she did was nod.</p><p>“It’s getting late, you should get ready for dinner soon.” Willa said before turning back to the house.</p><p>She picked up her skates preparing to walk back inside as well before she saw Clarke walking her way- who she forgot had been sitting near.</p><p>“You do know it’s your birthday, right?” Clarke smiled walking up the girl, “People usually smile on their birthdays.”</p><p>“Yeah, well not everyone has my family.” Lexa replied with a small smile,</p><p>“Everything ok?”</p><p>“No, but eventually hopefully it will be.” “You’re not on the slopes with the others?”</p><p>“No, I decided to head back a little early. It’s really beautiful here, I’m glad I came.”</p><p>“Why did you come?” Lexa asks, it was something she had been wondering since the day before and maybe she knew the answer but just wanted to here it.</p><p>“Your mom asked me to.” She answered nervously, feeling Lexa’s eyes on her.</p><p>“That’s the only reason?” Lexa said moving closer to the blonde eliminating any space between them, she knew she was pushing it, but Clarke wasn’t baking down.</p><p>“I uh-.” She stuttered her eyes darting from plump pink lips to glowing green eyes, “It’s also your birthday and I wanted to be here…. with you.”</p><p>Lexa didn’t know what to say even though this is what she asked for, now that she had her answer all she could do was think about how bad she wanted to kiss her, and she knew she couldn’t- not yet- not like this.</p><p>“Why did you want to me come?” Clarke asked, her voice barely above a whisper and eyes never leaving the green ones.</p><p>“Because it’s my birthday and I wanted you here.” She smiled, “You’re the only thing that made this day even worth enjoying.”</p><p>“We’ve barely spent anytime together.”</p><p>“Is that a complaint?” Lexa grinned,</p><p>“What if it is?”</p><p>“Then I’d have to say sorry although I wouldn’t have been that enjoyable to be around today anyways.”</p><p>“Who says?” Clarke smirked, “I’m enjoying myself just fine right now.”</p><p>“If we keep standing this close to each other I’m going to do something I shouldn’t.” Lexa sighed taking a step back,</p><p>“Who says you shouldn’t?” Clarke whispered as she took a step forward, her emotions were leading- both of theirs were the question was did either of them care?</p><p>Lexa looked tempted and when Clarke’s hand somehow found her neck pushing their foreheads closer until they touched, she almost said fuck it- <em>but she couldn’t.</em></p><p>“You have no clue how bad I want this.” She whispered her eyes glued shut,</p><p>“So, take it.” Clarke replied,</p><p>“Not like this.” She shook her head, “when I have you, I want it fully. I want it because we’ve talked through everything and I’ve earned your forgiveness. Only then will I do all the things I’ve been dying to do to you.” Every bone in her body was willing her to stay but she knew she couldn’t so she stepped back until there was a good amount of space between them, “Dinner is soon so we should both go get ready.” Lexa smiled before walking towards the house,</p><p>She needed to cool down and she still had a phone call to make before dinner.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>An hour later Clarke was sitting in her room in her towel trying to pick an outfit and trying not to think of whatever the hell had happened with Lexa. She was sure the brunette would kiss her and when she didn’t it was disappointing, but the reasoning was understandable.</p><p> “Now she chooses to be reasonable.” Clarke mumbled to herself finally choosing the short black skirt with black tights and a warm black sweater to tuck in. She also decided to add her black thigh high boots- she looks hot and Lexa loved her in black and she was not above torture not even on the girl’s birthday.</p><p>Quickly she straightened her long blonde hair letting part naturally down the middle before moving on to makeup. She didn’t have the energy to do anything special just eyeliner, a little blush and mascara and a light pink lip.</p><p>“Looking hot!” Octavia exclaimed walking in the room,</p><p>“You could knock, I could be indecent.”</p><p>“Nothing I haven’t seen.” Octavia shrugged plopping down on the bed,</p><p>“Got bored of entertaining your man or something?”</p><p>“Never!” the girl scoffed, “But he is in a mood I just have no clue why plus he wanted to talk to Lexa before dinner.”</p><p>“Lexa seems off too, I think it has to do with their parents.”</p><p>“Lincoln has been glaring Gustus to death since we got back from the slopes.” She sighed, “You know Lexa’s off does that mean you’ve been talking.”</p><p>“We almost kissed.” Clarke blurted surprising Octavia and herself, but she needed to talk about it,</p><p>“Almost?”</p><p>“She stopped it.” she sighed, “Basically saying she’ll only touch me once we resolve our issues.”</p><p>“That sounds reasonable.”</p><p>“I fucking know!” she groaned, “I wanted to so bad though, I miss her.”</p><p>“I know.” Octavia pulled the girl into a hug,</p><p>“Why did she have to ruin us?”</p><p>“I don’t know babe.” The brunette sighed, “I wish I did though, but it’s still salvageable.”</p><p>“You think?”</p><p>“Seeing as you two can’t seem to stay away from each other and the sexual tension between you is suffocating yes.” She smiled,</p><p>“There is no sexual tension.” She lied,</p><p>“Whatever liar.” She laughed, “But really Clarke, you’re the only person I’ve ever seen make Lexa genuinely happy and vice versa. You two have been in love for years and as cliché as it sounds if it’s meant to be it’ll be.”</p><p>“I hope so.” She mumbled,</p><p>“No more moping, we have a dinner to go to and twins to make drool in our sexy outfits.” She smirked and Clarke didn’t have the energy to oppose she just grabbed her coat and followed the girl into the living room where everyone waited except for Lexa and Lincoln.</p><p>“Beautiful as always ladies.” Willa smiled at both girls,</p><p>“You look amazing too, Mrs. Fox.” Octavia said,</p><p>“Please Octavia, I’ve told you several times call me Willa.” Unlike Clarke Octavia was not as well known to Willa mostly due to the fact that she was never around but also due to the fact that by the time Lincoln started dating Octavia he would chose to be out of the house if their parents were around. Whereas Clarke was always around even when they were just friends and Clarke got to know the woman.</p><p>“You do look great Willa.” Clarke smiled, “One of yours?”</p><p>“How can you tell?” The woman beamed,</p><p>“I’d know your designs from anywhere.” Clarke said honestly, “New?”</p><p>“Newish.” She shrugged smugly,</p><p>“You have to teach me how to do that.” Octavia murmured to the blonde,</p><p>“Just be you and call her Willa she doesn’t really to the Mrs. thing makes her feel old.” She whispered,</p><p>“Where the hell are, they?” Anya groaned,</p><p>“Language young lady.” Indra scolded but the girl just rolled her eyes,</p><p>“You know how I get when I’m hungry mother.”</p><p>“Perhaps you can go get them then.” Nyko suggested,</p><p>“Happily.” Anya said before hearing movement coming, “About time.”</p><p>“Sorry.” Lexa murmured putting her coat on and Clarke about died at how amazing the girl looked.</p><p>She was dressed in black leather pants that hugged her long legs perfectly and an oversized charcoal grey sweater. Her long curls were thrown up in a ponytail and the only makeup was a dark red lip.</p><p>Clarke hardly even noticed how both Lexa and Lincoln looked off all she could do was stare and when her eyes caught the brunette, she could tell her outfit was doing it’s job by the way her green eyes were raking over every inch of her body.</p><p>“If you two are done eye fucking each other can we go?” Anya said earning a smack from Indra,</p><p>Everyone started heading towards the cars Clarke lingering a bit causing Lexa to walk beside her.</p><p>“If it wasn’t obvious you look gorgeous as usual.” Lexa said looking straight ahead but Clarke knew she was talking to her.</p><p>“You look quite hot yourself.” Clarke replied before climbing into the Range Rover leaving the window seat for Lexa because she knew that’s what the brunette preferred.</p><p>The ride was quiet and barely five minutes, but Clarke could see Lexa’s hands were shaking and she knew the girl was on the verge of another panic attack. Without thinking she grabbed Lexa’s hands into her own holding them tightly until the shaking subsided. When they got the restaurant, the others got out of the car, but Clarke stayed, her hands still intertwined with Lexa’s.</p><p>“Talk to me.” Clarke whispered seeing the girl shut her eyes and lean against the window, “What’s wrong Lexa?”</p><p>“Everything.” She whispered, “Us, my stupid fucking dad and this family nothing is right.”</p><p>“Did your dad do something?”</p><p>“You have no fucking clue.” She groaned, “I don’t even want to be around him.”</p><p>“So then let’s leave, we can walk back to the house or steal the car.”</p><p>“And endure my driving?” Lexa joked,</p><p>“If it meant getting you out of here yes.” She smiled, happy that she could cheer the girl up even a little bit.</p><p>“I would love nothing more than to get out of here with you, but I have to go in.” she sighed finally opening her eyes and eyeing the restaurant. “There’s something I have to do.”</p><p>“That’s cryptic.”</p><p>“It’ll make sense soon enough.” Lexa said before kissing the blonde’s hands and opening the door, once she was out, she held out her hand which Clarke accepted as she stepped out of the car. “Thank you, Clarke.”</p><p>“Shall we?”</p><p>The restaurant was buzzing with people and soon enough they caught up with the group who was just being seated. Surprisingly, no one said anything snarky or gave them looks. Once they were at the table Clarke took a seat next Lexa which was also across from Gustus and Willa who were eyeing their kids suspiciously and all Clarke could think was ‘What the fuck is going on?’</p><hr/><p>Dinner was quiet and weird; it was almost as if everyone felt the mood was off but didn’t know how to change it. The night was mostly filled with awkward glances and idle chat about how skiing was, it wasn’t until Lexa started talking that things really took a turn.</p><p>“I want to say something.” Lexa said catching everyone off guard, “First I want to thank everyone for coming here to be with me and Lincoln on our birthday. My last birthday I can’t even remember so I’m glad I’ll be able to remember this one.”</p><p>“I can give you a recap if you want.” Anya smiled, “I’ll give you a hint-.”</p><p>“Maybe later.” Lexa interrupted giving her cousin the ‘shut up please’ look, “As I was saying most of our birthdays have been spent with the people at this table minus a couple. But I just wanted to thank you guys especially our friends because all of you have been the family me and Lincoln have known the past decade and I just wanted to say I love you guys and I’m sorry for ruining your dinner.”</p><p>“Lexa?” Clarke whispered but the brunette ignored her,</p><p>“Family is a tricky thing for the Fox’s.” Lexa continued ignoring the looks from her aunt and uncle and just about everyone besides Lincoln who seemed to be more interested in staring at his plate. “Family for Willa and Gustus Fox means putting on a show, flaunting lies and making everyone believe your life is perfect.”</p><p>“Lexa.” Willa grumbled wondering what the hell her daughter was about to do,</p><p>“Family for them means being anywhere but wherever your kids are even the ones you father by other women apparently.” Lexa said staring directly in her dad’s eyes, “Right dad?”</p><p>“Lexa please.” Willa begged,</p><p>“Because according to someone named Sage Claire who by the way is the woman you slept with and got pregnant almost eleven years ago if you need a recap. She says you barely see your daughter in fact she didn’t even know you had a wife and kids until I mention it on the phone earlier.”</p><p>“Lexa that’s enough!” Willa all but yelled, causing Lincoln to speak.</p><p>“Why are you defending him?” he asks,</p><p>“Gustus what is she talking about?” Nyko asks staring at his brother who looked completely and utterly ashamed and embarrassed but still said nothing,</p><p>“Say something.” Lexa demanded,</p><p>“I can explain, please just-.”</p><p>“I don’t need an explanation.” Lexa interrupted her voice scarily calm, “In fact I’m pretty sure I know it all, I know that all those years ago your wife planned a trip for you to Bali to reconnect after a hard time. I know in Bali you met a woman named Sage Claire who was there working to pay off student loans. I also know she’s Australian and at the time was 25 years old. I know that after the fact you two parted ways but a few weeks later she found out she was pregnant and since she worked at the resort you stayed at, she risked her job hacking into the guest list to find your number since thank fuck you just had to let her know your Gustus fucking Fox!” she yelled, “I know that she contacted you and told you and once the baby was born you got a DNA test. I know you bought them a big, nice house in Australia with a nice picket fence. So, tell me something I don’t fucking know!”</p><p>“Lexa this isn’t the place.” Indra stated,</p><p>“I think this is the perfect place, they love to go out in public and flaunt their perfect family well I’m done acting and I’m done with the lies so say something!” she demanded again slamming her fist on the table, Willa had given up all hope of calming her daughter and Gustus well… “I don’t know what expected from you honestly.” Lexa sighed sitting back in her chair, “At least tell us where you are when your not with mom because it’s sure as fuck isn’t Australia. At least with being a father your consentient, send money doing monthly calls. And I know you’re not leaving tonight for fucking business; you’re leaving because your daughter is sick, and Sage asked you to come. Do you know who me and Lincoln call when we’re sick? You probably wouldn’t even pick up the fucking phone if we called. Do you even fucking care about us?”</p><p>“Of course, I do Lexa.” He replied attempting to grab the girl’s hand, but she pulled back. “I love both of you, I made mistakes and I’m trying to fix them I promise you that and I want to talk about this privately the four of us.”</p><p>“It’s probably time for your fucking flight so how about you get on it and don’t come back.” Lincoln said before storming out Octavia hot on his trail.</p><p>“Lexa please.” He begged and for a second, just a split second she wanted to believe he cared. She wanted to believe he loved them but nothing he’s done has proved that. “Let me fix this.”</p><p>“I don’t think you can.” She whispered before standing and throwing his credit card on the table, “By the way you made a sizable donation to the artic animal’s foundation and paid for everyone’s hot chocolate for the day.” She said before also leaving the restaurant this time Anya, Raven and Clarke following.</p><p>“Shit Lexa this is not what I thought you meant when you said you would confront him.” Raven exclaimed once they got outside,</p><p>“You knew?” Anya asks,</p><p>“How do you think she got the woman’s number.”</p><p>“Well, I’m sorry I did plan to wait until he was leaving but I couldn’t.” Lexa sighed, “Thank you for that by the way.”</p><p>“Anytime.” Raven smiled.</p><p>“Lexa-.”</p><p>I’m fine Clarke, I need to talk to Lincoln.” She said before rushing to catch up with the boy who was a little ahead of them. Luckily, it wasn’t too dark yet and the walk to the house wasn’t far.</p><p>“My dad’s going to kill him.” Anya murmured once Lexa was gone.</p><p>“Your mom looked like she might too.” Raven added,</p><p>“I can’t believe he has a daughter with someone else.” Clarke said watching Lexa’s figure disappear,</p><p>“Me either, Aunt Wills and Uncle Gus always seemed so solid.” Anya said, “This is fucked.”</p><p>“It really is.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>“I’m sorry.” Lexa said to her brother, they were back home in the living room and the adults had yet to resurface.</p><p>“You did nothing wrong Lexa.” He sighed, staring out of the large windows. “A little dramatic but it’s whatever.”</p><p>“I just- I needed to confront them without being able to run away. I needed the lies to stop.”</p><p>“What’s her name?” Lincoln asks and Lexa knew what he meant,</p><p>“I didn’t asks, I couldn’t.”</p><p>“It’s not her fault.”</p><p>“I know- but I just couldn’t.” she sighed, knowing there is a little girl out there with her blood was already an information overload. She needed to ease into this. “I expected you to say more.”</p><p>“I wanted to.” He admitted, “Why is this the first time he actually looked like he fucking cared.”</p><p>“I noticed too.”</p><p>“Anya said you ran up his credit card?”</p><p>“As much as I could, it was a heat of the moment thing.” She shrugged,</p><p>“I can’t deal with any of this tonight; we still have a couple hours of our birthday can we try and enjoy it?”</p><p>“We can try but I don’t think fate likes us much.” She smiled leaning into her brother’s arms, “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>“If we’re having a family moment, I want in.” Anya smiled hopping in between the pair, “I knew us Fox’s were dramatic but even I couldn’t have pulled that off.”</p><p>“I may have learned a thing or two from queen dramatic herself.” Lexa smiled,</p><p>“Glad I could be of service.” She smirked, “But now I’m here to save the night, go get changed into your bathing suits we’re hitting the hot tub and before either of you complain I’m not taking no for an answer you have twenty minutes before I’m beating down doors.”</p><p>Without argument Lexa and Lincoln both headed off to their rooms, the hot tub didn’t sound too bad. She checked her phone seeing it was only 8:30pm but the sun was almost fully set.</p><p>Quickly she changed into her swimming shorts and red bikini top, it was freezing outside but she knew the hot water would keep them warm. She took out her ponytail putting in a quick braid before making her way outside with her coat on.</p><p>The cold air hit her bare legs immediately, but she needed to cool off from her little episode. She hoped her mom would understand and not be mad, but her face seemed more scared than anything. The aftermath of this was something she didn’t want to think of, so she didn’t.</p><p>“The firecracker has joined us.” Raven smirked,</p><p>“Well, it’s still my birthday, I can’t end the night on such a sad note.” She shrugged off her coat before stepping into the hot water.</p><p>Once she was in the water she stayed on the opposite end as Clarke who seemed to notice. Lexa hated herself for scanning over the blonde’s body in her bathing suit, but it was hard not to. Her curves were still as flawless as she remember, and her chest was still-</p><p>“Eyes up birthday girl.” A snarky Octavia whispered in her ear before making her way to Lincoln’s lap looking smug,</p><p>“Alright now that were all here, I wanted to do a proper toast.” Anya smiled standing from the warm water and reaching for the drinks, “All I could find in the kitchen was sprite, I know I’m just as horrified but as Raven never fails to remind me it’s the gesture that matters most.”</p><p>“You’re learning.” Raven smiled taking her glass,</p><p>“To Lexa and Lincoln my amazing wonder cousins who I love more than life itself, today may not have gone as expected but life rarely does so to you two!”</p><p>“To Lexa and Lincoln!” the others cheered laughing and sipping their sprite out of crystal champagne flutes.</p><p>From then on it was random chatter and laughing and for once everything felt so normal to Lexa. This felt like a night she would’ve shared with her friends a year ago before the world went to shit. She was thankful for it though; she was glad her night didn’t end with that horrible dinner. As always these are the people she could count on the most.</p><p>But not soon after it turned into her worst nightmare, Lincoln and Octavia were making out and Anya and Raven were being disgustingly cute. She was three seconds from excusing herself before O beat her to the punch, dragging Lincoln out of the tub. Soon after Anya and Raven followed leaving just Clarke and Lexa and the brunette wasn’t sure if this was good or not.</p><p>“I should’ve known how this would end.” Lexa said idling playing with the water,</p><p>“What, scared to be alone with me Fox?” Clarke asks, quirking her brow.</p><p>“Never, but nothing good ever happens when two teenagers are left alone in a hot tub.” She joked,</p><p>“I’d say some pretty good things could happen.” Clarke smiled moving so that she was beside the girl. “I want to ask if you’re ok, but I feel like that’s not the right thing to say.”</p><p>“I don’t even think there is a right thing to say in this situation, but I am ok.” Lexa said, lazily playing with the blondes’ hand in the water.</p><p>“When did it start happening again?” Clarke asks causing Lexa to look at her, “The panic attacks I mean.”</p><p>“Oh, well I’m not sure they ever really stopped.” Lexa said hoping to end that subject,</p><p>“They did, sophomore year.” Clarke pointed out, “So when did they come back?”</p><p>“The end of sophomore year I guess.”</p><p>“Is that something you work on?”</p><p>“Becca helps me with it, I do still have an inhaler, but it doesn’t help.” Lexa says, “I think the only thing that ever helped me was you, you always seem to calm me down.”</p><p>“I’m glad I can help.” The girl whispered and more than anything Lexa wished she could be spending her night in the blonde’s arms, but she couldn’t, and it was her fault. But she wanted to fix it and the only way to do that was being honest- completely 100% honest.</p><p>“I never thanked you.” Lexa said turning to the girl, “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who believes that Nia drugged me, and it means a lot that you believed me.”</p><p>“I know you wouldn’t lie about that and I think the others know that too.”</p><p>“I hope so…... Do you want to go inside?” Lexa suggest, “I can make us tea.”</p><p>“Ok.” Clarke smiled before to get out of the pool, Lexa’s eyes trying to avoid looking but it was almost impossible.</p><p>She herself managed to get out without being a total creep, she wrapped Clarke in a towel before putting her coat over her and then putting her own towel on and walking into the house and to the kitchen.</p><p>Quietly Lexa moved around grabbing the cups and putting the water on, she grabbed some creamer from the fridge for Clarke because she knows the girl prefers it.</p><p>When the water was done, she poured and mixed their drinks handing Clarke hers.</p><p>“Thank you.” She smiled,</p><p>“Your welcome, if you want, we can go sit in my room” Lexa said nervously, “It has a nice view of the lake and we can talk maybe if you want.”</p><p>“Ok.” Clarke nodded and quietly they headed to Lexa’s room,</p><p>Once they were there Lexa turned on the lamp and took off her coat grabbing some sweats and a hoodie for Clarke.</p><p>“Thanks.” Clarke smiled before heading into the bathroom with the clothes and it was only then that Lexa remember the girl’s room was literally right across the hall so she could probably grab her own clothes, but she was too nervous to think of anything of that.</p><p>Quickly she tore off her wet suit and put on some warm sweats and a sweater and set a fluffy blanket on the floor against the floor length window. She grabbed the tea and took a seat and started contemplating if she really wanted to do this today. She could easily have this talk with Clarke once they drove back home tomorrow, but she felt like it was necessary now. Both of them have been ignorantly flirty with each other- they damn near kissed and she couldn’t do that when there was still so much to be discussed so they needed to.</p><p>“You look like you’re thinking hard.” Clarke said taking a seat in her new clothes, they were a little too big, but the blonde didn’t mind- mostly because it smelled like Lexa. “What are you thinking about?”</p><p>“Honestly?” she asked eyeing the blonde who nodded, “Us.”</p><p>“What about us?”</p><p>“I’m thinking about how much I miss you.” She smiled, turning to the lake. “I’m thinking about how many times I wanted to kiss you just today which has been a lot by the way. But I can’t and it’s my fault and I hate it.”</p><p>“I hate it too.” Clarke mumbled,</p><p>“But I want to fix It and I know the only way I can is to tell you why I left.”</p><p>Clarke turned to her wide eyed and almost scared looking,</p><p>“But I- you- we agreed to wait until you were finished with your program.” Clarke stuttered, shocked at the brunette’s words.</p><p>“I know but I finish in a couple of weeks and more than anything I just want to talk to you.”</p><p>“No.” Clarke stammered, “No- you can’t I’m not ready.” She said before attempting to head for the door, </p><p>“Clarke please.” Lexa ran after her grabbing the girl’s hands,</p><p>“Don’t.” she whispered leaning into the brunette’s arms,</p><p>“We have to.”</p><p>“You’ll ruin it.” Clarke mumbled into her neck, “If we talk now, we’ll ruin it.”</p><p>“None it matters if we’re both ignoring the fact that we need to talk.”</p><p>“I’m scared Lexa.”</p><p>“I know, me too but I need to explain.” Lexa said wiping her tears with one hand while the other held the blonde in her arms, “I need you to know that when I left, I wasn’t running from you and I hate myself for making you feel that way. I need to fix this and the only way I can is if we talk so please let me explain.”</p><p>Now Clarke wanted to run, she wanted to be the one to leave because this conversation was something she dreaded. When she first saw Lexa that day on the street more than anything she wanted and explanation but the longer she was there and the more that happened the more she wanted to forget the girl ever left at all. She wanted to forget and choose to ignore the fact that Lexa left her and until now she could. Ignorance is bliss but there was no more ignoring this even if she wanted to.</p><p>“Ok.” She whispered against Lexa chest,</p><p>Lexa sighed pulling away only enough to lead them to the bed where they both sat teary eyed up against the headboard. She knew that no matter what she said this was what needed to happen she just hoped Clarke would chose to give her a chance after it.</p><p>“It all started the night of the end of the year party sophomore year.” Lexa said seeing Clarke eyes flash with recognition then pain, “The night Costia died.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Originally it wasn't supposed to end here but i was already at 10,000 words and i was like ehhhh, i personally love long chapter but i get insecure about making them too long so hope you don't mind! Also i know there haven't been many flashbacks but those will happen every now and again especially next chapter as Lexa comes clean........ This wasn't supposed to be dragged out this long but i feel like i needed to establish the relationship before i attempt a reconciliation. Also more parent drama because they have some shit to talk about!</p><p>-Anyways thank you for reading as always! </p><p> Don't forget to comment, feedback is welcome and wanted!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. The Truth...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lexa reveals what made her leave New York</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING: ALCOHOL ABUSE, DRUG ABUSE, SEXUAL ASSULT, SUICIDE</p><p>so we're finally here................. 11,000 words today enjoy!<br/>(this gets dark.)</p><p>srry for mistakes i'm a very flawed person.....</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>You moved to California but it’s just a state of mind, it turns out everywhere you go you take yourself that’s not a lie. -Fuck it I love you by Lana Del Rey</em> </strong>
</p><hr/><p><br/>“It all started the night of the end of the year party sophomore year.” Lexa said seeing Clarke eyes flash with recognition then pain, “The night Costia died. Murphy’s party was in full swing and you and Octavia were drunk and passed out, so I took you upstairs and locked you in Murphy’s room.”</p><p>“I remember.” Clarke mumbled; she was scared as hell for whatever was about to come next. She didn’t want to believe this has anything to Costia but apparently it did.</p><p>“After I did that I went back downstairs and called Raven, she hadn’t arrived yet because of some fight with Finn but I was going to have her drive us home. While I waited downstairs, I had a few drinks and then I ran into Costia, she was wasted which was weird because she never drinks. Some guys were all up on her, but I could tell she didn’t want them to be, so I confronted them.”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>END OF THE YEAR PARTY- SOPHOMORE YEAR MAY 2019 </strong>
</p><p>“Fuck off.” Lexa growled causing the two scrawny boys to jump, “She clearly wants nothing to do with you.”</p><p>“My knight and shining armor.” Costia beamed upon seeing Lexa,</p><p>“I believe it’s ‘in shining armor’.” Lexa giggled taking a seat next to the girl, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “Are my eyes deceiving me or is miss goody too shoes Costia Lopez drunk right now?”</p><p>“She is.” The girl smiled lazily, “Very actually, and I’m not as good it may seem Lexi.”</p><p>“Is that so?” Lexa teased, Costia was a good friend- one of her best friends, they met in middle school when the girl moved to New York and the rest is history.</p><p>Costia was a good friend and listener but she couldn’t help but feel like something was different between them lately. They barely talked if at all and Lexa had no clue why or if she had done something.</p><p>“Yep.” Costia smiled, “Where’s your girlfriend?”</p><p>“Well, her and Octavia decided to drink well over their share of the alcohol tonight.” She laughed, “So currently their upstairs sleeping it off until Raven comes to pick us up, we’re going to back to my house if you want to come.”</p><p>“I don’t know, maybe.” Costia sighed turning away from the girl,</p><p>“Cos, is something wrong?” Lexa asked with genuine concern, “Between us I mean.”</p><p>“Why would there be.” The girl replied opting to avoid any eye contact with the girl,</p><p>“Well lately we’ve barely talked, and I feel like something wrong, did I do something?”</p><p>“No.” she said quickly, “No we’re fine Lex, I promise.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yes.” She smiled slightly pushing the girl,</p><p>“Ok, good.” Lexa beamed, “Now wanna tell me why you’re drunk?”</p><p>“No reason, I wanted to have a good time.”</p><p>“I don’t believe you.” Lexa said knowingly, “Your version of having a good time is movie night and snacks or reading in central park and visiting the met for the hundredth time.”</p><p>“You make sound so boring.” The girl huffed, “I can be fun you know.”</p><p>“I know that, and I didn’t mean that as a bad thing.” Lexa smiled, grabbing the girls hand. “I just mean drinking for you isn’t fun so is something wrong?”</p><p>Costia sighed, running her hand through her curls desperately trying the words to convey her true feelings without hurting anyone but she didn’t know if she could and that’s why she kept it in. That’s why she avoids Lexa and sometimes even Clarke because it’s hurting her, and she doesn’t know how to make it stop- but the alcohol was merely a distraction.</p><p>“I thought a night of drinking and having a bit of fun would help me get over someone.” She finally said,</p><p>“I didn’t know you were into anyone.” Lexa said surprised,</p><p>“It’s a pointless crush, I’m practically invisible to them.”</p><p>“That can’t be true, you’re amazing Cos.” Lexa smiled giving the girl a nudge, “You beautiful and smart anyone would be lucky to have you as their girlfriend. Do they know of your feelings?”</p><p>“No.” She sighed; this conversation was only making her feel worse about the whole thing. “Have you ever liked someone so much it hurts but you know you can never be with them?”</p><p>“Honestly yes.” Lexa replied, for so long that’s how she felt about Clarke. She never thought she would get the chance to be with her but now that she was, she couldn’t be happier.</p><p>“Really?” Costia asked staring into big green eyes,</p><p>“Yeah.” She nodded,</p><p>“What did you about it?”</p><p>“I just had to tell them how I felt, after you do that the worst that could happen is, they don’t feel the same and it’ll hurt if they don’t but at least you’ll know you told them.” Lexa said giving the girl a small smile, she could tell this was something that was really bothering her, and it made her sad. She also wondered who this person could be since she’s never seen Costia in any sort of relationship.</p><p>“I don’t think I can do that.”</p><p>“I know it’s hard but sometimes saying your feelings out loud to that person really helps. You know usually you’re the one who usually gives the good advice.” She smiled,</p><p>The girl didn’t reply she just sat and stared in her lap for a second and Lexa was starting to feel like she had given her the worst advice ever. She wanted to help, she hated seeing her like this, but she also was the worst at giving advice- I mean hello this is Lexa Fox resident bad girl all around fuck up.</p><p>“Maybe-.” She started to say before she was cut off by lip bombarding her causing her to jump up, “What the fuck!” she yelled, trying to put as much distance between them as possible.</p><p>“Lexa i-.”</p><p>“Why would you do that?” she yelled, but the girl just started at her wide eyed almost as if she couldn’t believe what she had just done. “I- I’m with Clarke, your friend!”</p><p>“I know- I know I’m sorry.” Costia whimpered tears now flowing freely down her cheeks,</p><p>
  <em>No, no, no, no, I should’ve known Clarke told me- she told me Costia had a crush I didn’t believe her but this- no.</em>
</p><p> “You can’t do that! Why would you do that?” Lexa shouted turning away from the girl, how could she let this happen, how will she tell Clarke?</p><p>“I’m sorry Lexa, I wasn’t thinking i-.” Costia said walking over to the girl who backed away from her,</p><p>“No, god Costia why would you do something so stupid!” she scolded, “I don’t- we’re just friends I didn’t- fuck!”</p><p>“I’m sorry.” The girl whispered once more before running out of the room leaving a panicking Lexa behind.</p><p>She should’ve believed Clarke she should’ve saw it sooner and maybe she could’ve talked to the girl, explained she only saw her as a friend- she needs to do that and she can’t just let the girl roam off as drunk as she is.</p><p>Without another thought Lexa ran out the house after the girl expecting to find her walking or at least on the porch but all she could see was car lights flashing before pulling away- no not just a car <em>Costia’s car.</em></p><p>“NO!” she yelled frantically running after the car, but it was useless she was already gone. “Fuck, fuck,” she quickly pulled out her phone calling Costia who ignored her finally she called Raven.</p><p>“Come on Rae pick up please.” She mumbled to herself as she paced the street finally, she heard a click noise.</p><p>
  <em>“If you called to yell at me don’t, I’m around the corner and-.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Raven Costia took off in her car drunk and she’s not answering me, and she should not be driving, and I’m scared please just tell me your near Murphy’s.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Ok, ok calm down I’m pulling up now Lex.” </em>
</p><p>She turned around the phone still to her ear as she watched Ravens Mercedes speed down the street and pull up to her. She wasted no time hoping in the car a spewing off the direction she saw the car go in.</p><p>“What the hell happened, Costia doesn’t even drink.” Raven exclaimed as she sped down the street.</p><p>“This is my fault; this is all my fault.” Lexa cited as she frantically continued to call Costia, but it was going straight to voicemail each time. “FUCK! She won’t answer me!”</p><p>“Lexa what happened?”</p><p>“She- she- she kissed me, and I got mad and I yelled, and she left and fuck I should’ve stopped her I didn’t even see any keys in her hand, and I wasn’t thinking fuck why wasn’t I thinking!”</p><p>“Just calmed down we’ll find her.” Raven assured before turning down the street in the direction of Costia’s neighborhood only to be greeted with smoke and a horrific sight that would be seared in both of their brains forever.</p><p>“No.”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>PRESENT</strong>
</p><p>“When we found her, I tried- I and Raven called an ambulance, but she was gone.” Lexa sobbed her eyes cloudy, but she could feel arms wrapping around her and wetness on her neck from the blonde’s tears, “I’m so sorry, I should’ve-.”</p><p>“No Lexa.” Clarke interrupted, her heart was beating fast and her mind was racing with all this information and no matter how hard she tried her tears wouldn’t stop, “It’s not your fault.”</p><p>“It is Clarke, you told me she had a crush, and I didn’t believe you and if- I should’ve believed you and talked to her and explained I don’t feel that way for her and I should’ve never yelled at her that night and she’s dead because of me she was ran out of the party because of me and seeing her like that in that car I can’t- I can’t-.”</p><p>“Shh.” Clarke hummed pulling the girl closer, “She was drinking Lexa she shouldn’t have been driving, she knew that, and it was accident. It’s not your fault, it’s not.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>For a while, all either of them could do was sit there and cry- cry for their lost friend, cry for their guilt, cry for each other. Both of their emotions were running rapid and all Clarke could think about is how she shouldn’t have gotten blackout drunk that night. She shouldn’t have done those shots and had those mixers because maybe- maybe if she was sober, she could’ve been down there with them- but no she couldn’t think like that neither of them could. It was terrible and horrendous, but it was an accident fueled by poor decisions.</p><p>After what felt like forever Clarke finally decided to ask the dreaded question,</p><p>“Costia, it’s why left?” she asks barely above a whisper, but she knew the girl heard her they were basically on top of each other. “You thought I would blame you, so you left?”</p><p>“I did think that, but it’s not why I left.” Lexa said sitting up enough so she could see Clarke but was still in her arms,</p><p>“So then why?” Clarke asked, she was trying not to get upset but reliving all of this and remembering the night she woke up and Lexa was gone was a feeling she didn’t want to feel again.</p><p>“After that night i- everything was wrong, Costia was dead and you were- I mean I still remember your face when I came to get you from murphy’s Clarke it was like something in you broke and I couldn’t help but feel like I did that to you. I tried to be there for you and I barely left your side that week but, in my head, I was doing what I always do and it building up until the night of the funeral.” “When we started dating, I stopped everything, the drinking drugs everything but since I was 13 that’s been my scapegoat and when I can’t handle something, I run to that so that night was no different. After the funeral we went back to your house and I pretty much rocked you to sleep but I couldn’t sleep, all I could do was think and I didn’t want to do that so when it got dark, I made sure you were sleep then I left. I knew I didn’t have to search far for what I wanted it could all be found in one place. When I got to the ark, I ran into people I used to party with and I started drinking, when that wasn’t enough, I started taking pills and that’s when Nia came in.” this was the first time Lexa was talking about this out loud since she told Lincoln a year ago, she never spoke of it just as she never spoke about Costia because all of it was too painful but talking through it may give her some relief.</p><p>“Nia is Ontari’s cousin and one of the heads in Azgeda-.”</p><p>“Azgeda?” Clarke said,</p><p>“It’s basically like the mafia but richer and sneakier, they own the ark and so many more places you don’t even have a clue.” Lexa sighed, “They’re powerful people and when I used to date Ontari I hung around Nia a lot, mostly she would just give us free drugs and this night was no different. By the time I ran into her I was already beyond and she was excited to see me which is never good. We drank and stuff and she invited me to some hotel where other people would be and stupidly, I went but god I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had went home or back to your house because that’s when everything went up in flames.”</p><p>“Before you go on, I have to ask something.” Clarke said hesitantly, “You didn’t- I mean you said you were drunk and partying with you old friends so did you-.”</p><p>“Cheat on you?” Lexa finished seeing the scared look on the blondes face, “I would never ever do that to you Clarke. I swear.”</p><p>“ok” she nodded, “What happened next?”</p><p>“We got to the hotel and it was only a few people there not a group like she had said but that’s very Nia, so I should’ve expected it. When I was with Ontari she would always suggest we should basically have sex, but I always said no which never made her happy but Ontari would always put her in her place but this night I stupidly went with her on my own, so I didn’t have anyone. I ended up taking some other pills- I don’t even know what they were but they hit me instantly. I could barely walk let alone stand and that’s when Nia decided to come onto me. She tried to get me in the separate room, but I fought her off- well as much as I could. She tried to take my clothes off, and I remember just saying no and trying to push her off.”</p><p>“Lex did she…”</p><p>“No.” Lexa said wiping her face, “Roan- her brother came in and stopped it before she could do anything. Nia is not a friendly person and saying no to her isn’t exactly an option and in that moment, I was terrified because I knew there was nothing I could do. I had took so many pills and drank so much that I was practically comatose, and I couldn’t fight. I would open my mouth to say no and I felt like nothing was coming out and if it wasn’t for Roan, I don’t know that I could’ve stopped her.”</p><p>This was a subject Lexa could block out, she tried her hardest not to think about it. How rough her hands were and how disgusting they felt as they tried to rip at her clothes. It would’ve been a mercy if the night ended there but it didn’t.</p><p>“After Roan pulled Nia off, he said they had to leave, I wasn’t really paying attention I just heard something about a deal they had to do, and I was thankful she was leaving. Before she left, she came back in putting something in my pocket and saying something about ‘finishing up another time’ before leaving fully. I don’t know how long I stayed on the bed, but I could feel whatever I took wearing off, so I got up and crawled out of the room. There was still a girl in there she was drinking and doing god knows what, but I could tell she was out of it. I sat against the wall for a while trying to get myself together enough to leave and after a while, I could stand that’s when I checked my pocket. The fucking bitch put coke in my pocket or that’s what I assumed it was at least. I didn’t care I threw it on the floor before going in the bathroom. I drank water from the tap for as long as I</p><p>could stomach it before walking back into the room for my phone and I was going to leave and that’s when I saw the girl, but something was wrong. She was looked like she was seizing out, her whole body was shaking and In a split second it just stopped. I ran over to her and shook her and tried to talk to her, but she wasn’t responding, I had no clue what to do I was still high out of my mind and this girl I didn’t know was unconscious and I had no clue how to help. The only thing I could do was call 911 which scared me to no end, but I couldn’t let her die. They got three quickly and tried to do CPR but one of the EMT’s said she was DOA, and my heart stopped. Immediately my mind went back to not even four days before when I heard the same thing about- and now it was happening again, and I couldn’t handle it. I started having a panic attack and it was the first one I had, had in almost a year and it was bad. It got to the point where one of the EMT’s had to help me, they wanted to take me to the ER, but I refused, I knew if I went, they would call someone, and I knew Lincoln would be the person to come and I couldn’t see him. Eventually I calmed down enough and that’s when I noticed the drugs on the table was what Nia put in my pocket, the girl must’ve picked it up and OD and once again it felt like someone else had died due to me.”</p><p>“Lexa-.”</p><p>“I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still wish I would’ve never went out that night or kept the drugs in my pocket and left and maybe that girl could still me alive.”</p><p>“You can’t think about the what ifs Lex.” Clarke said, Lexa was visibly shaking, and she had never seen the girl like this before. When she demanded an explanation, this is not what she expected to hear at all. “We can stop, we don’t have to talk about it anymore.”</p><p>“No, I need to finish.” She shook her head, cradling her knees to her chest. “There was so many drugs and whatever else in that room along with a now dead girl, so the police were called. I don’t remember much of what happened in the room I was freaking out, but they ended up taking me to the police station where they put me in this room. I was so scared I was shaking and when they finally came in, they were bombarding me with questions, and I had been drinking all night and taking so much shit and I couldn’t focus, and I was just scared. I don’t even think it’s legal to question someone under the influence let alone a minor, but they did,</p><p>and I didn’t know what to do or say. They kept asking me who the girl was, and I didn’t know, and they were getting upset and scaring me but finally they left, and I just sat there for like an hour crying. At some point I realized they never took my phone and so I quickly texted the only person who I knew could help me in that moment and that was Ontari.”</p><p>“Why the hell would she be able to help you?” Clarke asked, she wasn’t angry, but she didn’t like Ontari and she wished Lexa had never met her it would’ve saved her so much grief in the end.</p><p>“Her dad is the leader of Azgeda and the Kween’s are one of the richest families in New York. They have people in the NYPD he basically owns them, you have no idea how much they control here and that’s why I knew she could help me.”</p><p>“But why would she?”</p><p>“Me and Ontari weren’t perfect and we were toxic, it wasn’t love at all, but we cared for each other even if we didn’t always know how to show it. I knew if I really needed her help especially with something like this she would come through and she did. Within thirty minutes I was being led out of the room by some lawyer named Echo- which I assumes works for the Kween’s. When I got outside Ontari was waiting for me, she told me the drugs that the girl took in the hotel were laced with something that didn’t react well with whatever else she took. I told her Nia gave me the drugs and she said she would deal with it. She offered to take me home, but I couldn’t go, after everything that happened the past week, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it and that needed help. But in New York I didn’t have parents that would force me to get my shit together and I needed a push that not even Lincoln or anyone could give me and the only place I would get that is in California with Nyko and Indra. They don’t let me get away with anything that I would regularly do in New York and more than anything I just needed my parents, and they were it. My dad’s jet was in New York, so I called and had them ready it for Cali and left within the hour.”</p><p>Lexa knew this would be hard, but it was necessary- even if the outcome isn’t in her favor saying It out loud to Clarke felt good, she had only wished she had done it sooner.</p><p>“I don’t- I get why you left but why couldn’t you tell me?” Clarke asked defeatedly, “I would’ve supported you I would’ve been there, I would’ve done anything- why did you just leave me?”</p><p>“I wasn’t leaving you and I never planned to not call you or text you the moment I landed in LAX i don’t know- the only way I can explain is that I didn’t want the help.” Lexa sighed, “I didn’t want to face it, any of it I didn’t think I could, so I left my phone on the plane and I avoided my aunt and uncle I rented hotels and houses and got drunk and partied almost every night for a week before Lincoln and Anya came and tried to get me to go home with them, but I didn’t want to. I was a coward, and I knew I ruined everything with you and everyone and i couldn’t go back. I begged Lincoln not to tell Octavia or anyone where I was because I know you and I know you would’ve flew there, and I couldn’t have you see me like that. They spent the majority of the summer following me around California picking me up off of yachts and club floors. When school started I did it online and stay sober enough to keep up with it so I would pass. I lived like that for 6 months until one night, I- I had an accident.” She murmured, squeezing her eyes shut, “I uh I don’t really want to talk about that, but I had an accident and Lincoln found me and I had to go to the hospital. They pumped my stomach and Anya called her parents so from then on, I had to stay with them or flee back to New York and I wasn’t ready for that. Indra and Nyko mad me get my shit together- well together as I could, I guess. They tried to make me see a doctor, but I refused, then at the end of summer I decided I was going to come back so I did.”</p><p>“I don’t- wh- I don’t know what to say.” Clarke mumbled as she stared down at her hands. On one hand she was so mad, she was mad that Lexa left her- even if she wasn’t technically leaving her, she still left without calling or texting. Their friend had just died and then she had to deal with Lexa leaving her too, that was a pain she never imagine was even possible. But now she has all this information and knowing what Lexa went through made her sick. It made her physically sick knowing that someone even attempted to take advantage of her and that she had to deal with so much death in just a span of a few days. She had so many feelings and she didn’t know how to balance the hate and the love she felt for one person because she loved Lexa so much- probably more than anyone else in her life but how could they get passed this? How could she forgive without holding it over her head down the line, she didn’t know the answer to those questions and what if she never did?</p><p>“You don’t have to say anything Clarke.” She said grabbing the blonde’s hand, “I don’t expect you to I just needed to do what I’m asking my parents to do and that’s take accountability. What happened led me to leave but it was my choice, it’s not an excuse I’m just telling you and now that I’m getting help and actually trying to be better, I know that. I know I can’t always run from my problems or down a bottle every time something bad happens, I know snorting some drug to numb the pain will only make things worse in the end I know those things now and I wish I knew them sooner honestly and I’m sorry I hurt you in the progress.”</p><p>Clarke was speechless, she had no words because she had no clue what to do and her mind was moving too fast to figure it out.</p><p>“You can stay here if you want, I’ll take the living room or something.”</p><p>“Lexa this is your room.” Clarke said, the girl giving her a small smile,</p><p>“I know I just- you’re already in bed and I don’t mind leaving if you’re comfortable.”</p><p>“Or you can stay.” Clarke said barely above a whisper, “This is your room so stay here… with me.”</p><p>“Ok.” Lexa nodded, standing up and pulling the covers back for Clarke to get under.</p><p>Clarke knew she should go back to her own room just on the other side of the hall, but she couldn’t leave- she didn’t want to. She laid quietly as Lexa pulled the covers over her before taking the spot next to her.</p><p>They didn’t touch or even face each other and for the most part they didn’t talk, just laid praying that sleep would overtake them, so they didn’t have to think anymore.</p><hr/>
<hr/>
<hr/><p>A little over an hour later and Clarke was still awake, no matter how hard she tried to fall asleep it was proving to be impossible. She didn’t toss or turn in fear of disturbing Lexa, but she felt restless. Her thoughts would not allow her to rest no matter how much she didn’t want to think about any of it anymore. It was pestering her at every moment, and she needed some sort of relief so finally she turned to face Lexa. She didn’t even know if the girl was awake but if she was maybe talking would help- but on the other hand she didn’t want to talk.</p><p>“Can’t sleep?” she heard the brunette asks, her back still to her. Clarke could see the tattoo on her back peeking through and suddenly all she could think about was how much she missed tracing the intricate lines and circles of it.</p><p>“No.” she said finally, “You either?”</p><p>Lexa turned to face the blonde being greeted with big blue eyes that were still a little red from crying.</p><p>“No.” she sighed, moving her curls so they weren’t in her face, “Do you want to talk?”</p><p>
  <em>Do I want to talk, not really and now that you’re facing me and you’re looking at me how you always look at me with so much care and love I definitely don’t want to talk! More than anything I just don’t want to think, talking requires thinking and I need a break.</em>
</p><p>“Not really.” Clarke said moving closer until their lips were barely touching but it was enough for Lexa to pull away if she wanted to. She could feel the girl’s breath on her skin, and it was driving her crazy and so without another thought she pushed her lips onto the brunettes. It wasn’t hard or fast, not at first, at first it was soft and passionate and then once the shock wore off the need grew.</p><p>Their lips battled for dominance and soon enough Clarke won as she moved to straddle the girl and for once her brain had shut the fuck up! The only thing on her mind now was getting all these clothes off.</p><p>“Clarke-.”</p><p>“No talking.” The blonde moving her lips to the brunettes next who couldn’t help but release a soft moan,</p><p>“We shouldn’t.” Lexa said halfheartedly as lips brushed every inch of neck that the hoodie would allow.</p><p>“You want to, I can feel it.” she mumbled pressing her center down the brunette’s crotch causing a groan, “Please Lex, I want you.”</p><p>Lexa groaned outwardly at the words; dammit why did she have to say it with such need, in a way she knew would make her head spin because even if she knew this wasn’t the best idea both of them were too far gone to stop it.</p><p>“<em>Please.” </em>Clarke whispered again, her breathe ticking the brunette’s ear and making an already growing situation grow more.</p><p>“Fuck Clarke.” She grumbled before flipping them over so that the blonde was against the bed,</p><p>“Off.” Clarke said grabbing the girl’s hoodie and tossing it off the bed revealing the brunette beautiful perky chest, “Fuck I missed you.” She mumbled more to herself before she felt Lexa pulling at her hoodie off.</p><p>Lexa was a boob girl; Clarke knew this, and she also knew just how much the brunette loved her chest. There were times the girl would send minutes just sucking and messaging them and Clarke loved every minute of it.</p><p>A moan escaped her lips as she felt Lexa’s warm tongue attacking her nipples, giving each of them equal amount of attention before making her way down the blonde’s stomach. A second later Clarke sweats were being ripped off revealing her uncovered freshly shaven center- that was already dripping with need.</p><p>She could see Lexa lick her lips before swiping one finger through her center and licking it clean moaning at the taste. And then there was the feeling of that incredible tongue sliding through her folds… and holy fuck she was sure she had forgotten her own fucking name let alone the issues in her life right now.</p><p>Moans and whines filled the room and Clarke couldn’t care less if anyone heard- right now all she could focus on was how amazing she felt- how amazing it felt having Lexa between her legs. The brunette was gentle but attentive kissing and licking and sucking every spot with grace- she knew what Clarke liked and just how to make her feel good and it showed.</p><p>Every move was sensual, and all Clarke could think about was how glad she was she shaved earlier- wait was she expecting this? No- she wasn’t but that didn’t mean she was upset it was happening. It had been a year since anyone’s touched her- since Lexa but she never wanted anyone else to know her body like she does. She only ever wanted the brunette’s hands touching and squeezing her and deep down she knew she would always be Lexa’s- only Lexa’s.</p><p>“I’ve missed doing that.” Lexa smirked, her lips glistening with the girls release as she kissed her way up the blonde’s body until she reached her lips giving the girl a taste of herself which made her moan. “What do you want?”</p><p>“You know.” Clarke murmured as desperately tried to rub herself on the girls growing bulge to no avail, “Please.”</p><p>“Say it.” Lexa taunted as she slid her own pants down freeing her now full-length erection running in through the girl’s wet center,</p><p>“mhmm.” Clarke hummed before whining at the loss once the brunette pulled away,</p><p>“Tell me what you want.” Lexa said again placing soft kisses across her chest, teasing her pert nipples before pulling away all together and staring at big blue eyes- all signs of tears and sadness gone now there was only lust and desire and she couldn’t help but feel like this may have been her worst decision tonight because of the implications it would have tomorrow.</p><p>“I want you inside of me.” Clarke moaned pushing herself against her and suddenly it felt like the best decision she’s ever made. “<em>Please baby</em>.”</p><p>Lexa obeyed lining herself up with the girl’s entrance before slowly sliding in,</p><p>“fuckkk.” Lexa breathed as she bottomed out, her dick fully ingulfed in warm amazing wetness,</p><p>“….so big.” Clarke gasped at hoe full she felt, a feeling she knew and missed and when Lexa started thrusting, she knew she wouldn’t make it long- this was a year in the making, it wasn’t under the best circumstances- but that didn’t matter right now all that matter was how good it felt as the brunette slammed into her hitting every sweet spot she had.</p><p>“I missed you so much.” Lexa moaned into the girl’s neck, as she thrusted fast and deep inside the girl her hips never faltering but she knew she wouldn’t last long. “Fuck you feel so good around me.”</p><p>“I’m going to cum Lex.” The blonde screamed as Lexa sped up her movements feeling her body building up to what was going to be an exquisite release for both parties.</p><p>“Cum for me baby.”</p><p>That seemed to be all it took to take Clarke over the edge, she was cumming hard around Lexa’s dick, her walls clenching around it delectably and more than anything she was happy- happy that her body was overcome with this insatiable feeling and her mind was clear of all she had to worry about. Right now, she wasn’t worrying at all- even though she knew this high wouldn’t last into tomorrow when they would have to deal with their problems but that wasn’t to be thought about right now. Right now, all she wanted to do was drag this out as much as she could and that’s exactly what she planned to do.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>When Lexa opened her eyes, she couldn’t help but groan at the bright sun beaming into her room from the open curtains. The sun was glaring off of the white snow making everything ten times brighter than it needed to be. She cursed herself for not closing the curtains before going to sleep but then she remember she had been a little busy.</p><p>Slowly she sat up in her bed turning to the side only to see that it was cold and empty- and for a split second she imagined she had dreamed everything that happened. Maybe she dreamed her talk with Clarke and the tears and the blonde asking to stay in her room and the sex. But judging by the lack of clothes and the mess that was her hair she knew in fact all of those things happened.</p><p>“Fuck...” Lexa groaned flopping back on to the bed, she knew it wasn’t the best choice but even then, she didn’t imagine Clarke would leave before she woke like this was just a hookup…. Wait was this just a hookup? No, she couldn’t overthink it for all she knew Clarke just didn’t want anyone to see her coming from her room and ask a million questions…. Or she could think it was a mistake and didn’t want to face her…. Ok, she refused to overthink it all she had to do was talk to the blonde about it but until then she wouldn’t think about it.</p><p>She dragged herself out a bed and into the shower and it was only then that she remember the other event of the night, her dad. The aftermath of that was pending and she had no clue what to expect. She was sure her dad probably left but her mom aunt and uncle still remained, and she had no clue what they would say to her. It looked like either way she would have a lot of aftermath to deal with, but she planned to face it all.</p><p>Once she was dressed, she made her way into the kitchen where she braced herself but the only one there was Indra. When the woman saw her, she only smiled slightly before going back to her coffee.</p><p>Lexa made her own cup waiting for something to be said but minutes later it was still annoying silent.</p><p>“You’re mad at me.” The girl finally not able to take it anymore,</p><p>“I never said that.” Indra replied coolly and it annoyed Lexa when she did things like this,</p><p>“You haven’t said anything which makes me think you are.” Lexa sighed looking at her aunt from across the counter.</p><p>“Sit.” She said pulling out the stool and silently Lexa made her way to it,</p><p>“I won’t apologize for doing it.”</p><p>“I’m not asking you to, no one is not even your father.” Indra said calmly grabbing the girl’s hand, “I don’t care about any of that, I just care about how you and Lincoln are that’s all that matters.”</p><p>“I’m scared.” Lexa admitted,</p><p>“Of?”</p><p>“Before I knew any of this, I just wanted a relationship with my parents but what if I can never forgive him? What if he doesn’t care enough to even want my forgiveness and I’ll never had a dad…”</p><p>“You’ll always have a Father Lexa no matter what and I can’t speak to either of your parent’s actions over the years, but they do love you I just fear that they have no clue how to show it.”</p><p>“That much is true.” She sighed, “Did he leave?”</p><p>“Yes.” She nodded, “After a very berating chat with your uncle though.” She smiled,</p><p>“Sad I missed it.” she could only imagine the words Nyko said to her dad, but she knew they were not good, “And what about her, is she upset with me?”</p><p>“No, no one is your method wasn’t the best, but I think we all understood why you felt like you needed to confront him that way. So no, your mother isn’t mad maybe a little embarrassed but nonetheless she is fine.” She smiled kissing the girl’s forehead before standing, “We leave in a couple hours so make sure you have everything packed and ready.”</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>“Oh, and nice touch running up his credit card.” Indra smirked before leaving the kitchen,</p><p>‘I thought so too.’ Lexa smiled to herself before finishing her coffee and heading back to her room. She couldn’t help but linger by Clarkes door which was closed but she heard shuffling inside. A part of her wanted to knock but she figured the blonde just wanted some space.</p><p>She grabbed her coat and boots before heading outside with her new camera since it seemed she could use a distraction. It was snowing lightly but she didn’t care, she decided her first few shots would be of the frozen lake. Being here the past couple of days she couldn’t help but feel drawn to it. Ice was a beautiful thing and it always amazed her the different way it could freeze and the natural designs it would make. She snapped a few photos from the edge of the peer and even a couple from a far that turned out great. For the most part most of her captures were random just to get a feel of the camera and so far, she was in love.</p><p>“When did this start?”</p><p>She turned seeing Lincoln behind her, two mugs in his hand,</p><p>“What?” she asked taking one of them seeing it was hot coco- and luckily, her mother did not make it, so it was edible.</p><p>“You and photography I guess.”</p><p>“Oh, in the center I took some classes and I’m liking it so far.” She replied,</p><p>“You seem happy doing it, I’ve been standing here for five minutes and you barely noticed.” He smiled,</p><p>“That’s creepy.” She teased, “But It’s a good escape and sometimes you need that.”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>“Don’t tell me you came out in the cold to give me hot chocolate.”</p><p>“That and mom asked me to tell you lunch Is ready.”</p><p>“That’s a sentence I’d never thought I’d here.”</p><p>“I know, but I guess she is trying. She hasn’t mentioned anything about dad though.”</p><p>“Do you think everything is going to be ok?” Lexa asks, staring at her brother.</p><p>“I really hope they are.” He said honestly, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close.</p><p>“I told Clarke about why I left New York last night.” She blurted catching the boy off guard, but she needed to talk to someone, “I told her everything from Costia to Nia- everything and then we had sex and I woke up and she was gone, and I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do. Should I confront her or give her time and let her come to me? I’m so confused about the whole thing.” She gasped catching her breath after her mini ramble and all Lincoln did was stare.</p><p>“Wow.” He said as he wrapped his mind around everything that was said, “Ok well I can’t tell you what to do but maybe giving her space to digest everything would be good.”</p><p>“Ok but what if she regrets having sex with me?” she asked nervously. “I haven’t even seen her all morning.”</p><p>“Lex I’m sure that’s not the case, look just don’t overthink and talk to her when we get home.”</p><p>“Ok.” She nodded, <em>I can just talk to her later at the penthouse, yeah that’s fine.</em></p><p>“Alright now lets go eat.”</p><p>When they got to the kitchen everyone was there already snacking on their sandwiches that Indra put together. Lexa grabbed some food and took a seat next to her uncle who was giving her a smile but all she could notice was how one person was missing.</p><p>“Is Clarke not eating?” she asks,</p><p>“She said she would eat in her room.” Octavia replied, and Lexa tried not to let the hurt and confusion show on her face, but she was sure it did anyways.</p><p>After eating her food in silence, she went back to her room to pack up her stuff. It didn’t take long because most of it was still in the bag, but she roamed through the room making sure she got everything. She decided to leave her skates for the next winter visit and grabbed everything else before heading out to the car.</p><p>Since her dad left that meant her mother would be driving, she hoped it wouldn’t be awkward and she was surprised to see who else would be riding with them.</p><p>“Changed cars?” She asks Lincoln who was putting his and Octavia’s bags in the car.</p><p>“Figured you want the company.” He shrugged and she smiled,</p><p>They waited by the car for the others to come out and that’s when she got her first glance of Clarke all day. She was dressed in leggings and a hoodie and her long blonde hair was in a tight bun, but she was beautiful. They made eye contact for a brief second before the blonde turned away and headed towards Indra and Nyko’s car which added salt to the already hurting wound. She assumed she would be riding with her as she did on the way up but apparently it was avoid Lexa at all cost day because it was more than clear that’s what the blonde was doing.</p><p>“I’m sure it’s not what you think Lexa.” Lincoln said seeing the intense look his sister was currently sporting,</p><p>“Whatever.” She mumbled before getting in the front seat wishing they could just leave already because clearly, she’s fucked everything up.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Clarke opened her eyes this morning and all she could do was smile as she felt Lexa’s arms wrapped protectively around her bare waist. It took everything in her to not stay there but she had to pee so she pried the girls arms off of her before going to the bathroom as silently as she could. It wasn’t until after she relieved herself and was staring at a sleeping Lexa lovingly that she remembered all the events of last night. Their talk, the sex- I mean that was something she remembered the moment she opened her eyes but now she was thinking about the implications of it all. What if Lexa woke up and regret it, she couldn’t handle that or a talk right now, so she quickly put on the clothes Lexa gave her the night before, before running off to her room across the hall.</p><p>
  <em>Dammit! dammit, dammit! What the hell am I supposed to do, she’s going to want to talk eventually and what if she says it was a mistake? I can’t handle that- and then there’s everything she said last night, fuck I don’t even want to think about any of that!</em>
</p><p>The next few hours were spent internally freaking out, she freaked out in the shower, as she was getting dressed, as she packed her things no matter what she did she was freaking out. It wasn’t until there was a knock at her door that she realized it was nearly noon.</p><p>“Please don’t be Lexa.” She whispered to herself, before opening the door and thankfully it was Octavia.</p><p>“Hey, just came to tell you lunch is ready.”</p><p>“Ok…... is Lexa out there?” she asked curiously, the girl’s door was closed but that didn’t mean she was on the other side of it.</p><p>“Uh, no she’s outside.” Octavia replied, eyeing the girl. “Why?”</p><p>“I’ll tell you later, I think I’ll just eat in my room I’m not feeling the greatest anyways.”</p><p>“I can join you.”</p><p>“No, it’s ok.” She said with a smile before walking into the kitchen and collecting her food before escaping back to her room.</p><p>The next time she came out was when Raven told her they were leaving so she grabbed her stuff and made her way out. She could see that Lexa was already out there and for the briefest of moments their eyes met before Clarke looked away. Originally, she was going to ride in the same car as she did before but seeing the girl made her nervous as hell so on a whim, she made her way to the other one. She could see the hurt look on Lexa’s face, but she just needed some space and just a little bit more time to collect her thoughts and bask in their night together without running it with the impending talk they were destined to have.</p><p>For the most part the drive was silent probably due to the drama last night, but Clarke wished it wasn’t silent. She wished it was noisy as hell so she could have some sort of distraction, she even contemplated starting a conversation with Anya about fashion, but she could fathom that right now, so she put her headphones in.</p><p>An hour later and way too many sad songs later Clarke decided she as being stupid to avoid Lexa if anything they should’ve talked this morning so neither of their minds would be running rapid with false thoughts. It wasn’t until they were about teen minutes from the penthouse that she decided to confront Lexa head on. She had no clue what she was going to say but she needed to clear the air.</p><p>“Lex decided to go back to the center, so Lincoln said not to wait for them to go up.” Anya announced once they arrived and Clarke’s stomach dropped,</p><p>“I thought she didn’t go back until tomorrow.” Indra said questioningly as they all got out of the car.</p><p>“I don’t know, he just said she asked Aunt Wills to drop her off there.” Anya shrugged and Clarke felt like crying because maybe if she wasn’t asking like how she was acting Lexa would’ve come home for the day.</p><p>“I’m sure she just needed a break from the fox family drama.” Nyko added,</p><p>“Clarke.” Raven said seeing the blonde’s shiny eyes, “Everything ok?”</p><p>“Yeah I- can you uh give me a ride home please.” She mumbled, seeing the brunette’s look basically saying she doesn’t believe her but right now she just needed to get out of here.</p><p>“Of course.” She nodded, “Come on.”</p><p>“It was nice to me you Mr. and Mrs. Fox.” Clarke said smiling at Indra and Nyko who smiled back.</p><p>“You as well Clarke.”</p><p>“Yes, it was nice to meet the person who captured my little niece’s heart.” Nyko smiled before Anya glared at him.</p><p>“Dad.” She grumbled but the man just shrugged and said-</p><p>“What, it’s true.”</p><p>“Anyways we hope to see you again soon Clarke.” Indra said,</p><p>“Me too.” Clarke smiled before grabbing her bags and following Raven to her car that was parked a couple down from them.</p><p>It was until they were in the car and out of the parking garage that Clarke decided to speak.</p><p>“Last night Lexa told me why she left.” She said seeing the brunette look at her before focusing back on the road.</p><p>“So, she told you about Costia.”</p><p>“Yeah, and everything else.”</p><p>“Everything else?” Raven asked,</p><p>“Yeah, about the stuff that happened the night she left.” Clarke replied, she always assumed Raven knew why Lexa left but maybe she didn’t.</p><p>“Oh, I always thought it was just because of Costia.” Raven said, “I knew from the moment we found her that she would blame herself- before we found her, she was already doing that. She thinks it was her fault and she thought you would blame her.”</p><p>“I don’t.” Clarke sighed, “Costia made a dumb choice that night that I wish more than anything she hadn’t but it’s no one’s fault. I do miss her though.”</p><p>“Me too.” Raven smiled sadly, Costia was like the light in their group she was always the one to give great advice and make sure everyone was ok. After she died, they all had hoped they were that for her too, but they would never know. “What happened after she told you everything then?”</p><p>“We had sex and then I left this morning without waking her and I’ve been avoiding her all day and I was going to talk to her once we all arrived, but she decided to go back to rehab and now I can’t.”</p><p>“You had sex?” Raven asked or yelled would be a better term, "I guess now i understand why you're wearing a turtle neck under that hoodie, it's cold but not that cold." </p><p>“That’s what you took from that?” and that’s when Clarke remembered, “Can we go by the drug store, I need to get a morning after pill.”</p><p>“AND YOU LET HER- YOU KNOW INSIDE YOU?”</p><p>“Will you relax and focus on the road.” She rolled her eyes; this was not the conversation she expected to have. “It’s not like she hasn’t before but I stopped taking birth control a while ago and I’d rather be safe then sorry so can we go to the drug store please.”</p><p>“Of course.” Raven nodded, “Wow, ok so why are you avoiding her?”</p><p>“Because.” She huffed, “What if she regrets it?”</p><p>Raven pulled into the pharmacy parking lot and turned off the car before facing the blonde.</p><p>“Do you regret it?” she asks,</p><p>“No.” she said honestly, “But we probably shouldn’t have done it anyways we haven’t even discussed anything regarding to us, having sex just made it messier.”</p><p>“Lexa probably feels the same Clarke, all of your guy’s problems could be solved with talking so that what you need to do. Now wait here while I go and get your pill.”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I know.” Raven smirked before exiting the car, while she was gone Clarke pulled out her phone and clicked on Lexa’s name, she just hoped it wasn’t to late to reach her.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>An hour into the drive Lexa told her mom she wanted to go back to the center, this whole thing with Clarke and her family had put her in a mood and she just needed the space to clear her mind. Her mom only nodded but Lexa could see she wanted to say more so when they arrived at the center, she decided she would be the first say something.</p><p>She grabbed her bag leaving her phone since she couldn’t take it in but grabbed her camera which she was sure would be fine. She hugged Octavia and Lincoln bye saying she would see them in a couple of weeks before her mom walked her inside. They did all the necessary signing in requirements before it was time to say goodbye.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Lexa said looking into her mom’s green eyes, she wasn’t sorry but if it’s what her mom needed to hear she figured she could spare that.</p><p>“Oh Lexa.” She sighed pulling the girl into a hug which shocked her, “Never apologize to me again about this, it’s not your fault and I know you were upset rightfully so. I’m sorry I asked you bear such a thing, that’s not your job and I’m learning it’s not mine either.” She pulled back grabbing the girls face with a smile. “I don’t want you to worry about any of this, spend your last two weeks here focusing on you ok?”</p><p>“Ok.” She nodded, “Will you come and pick me up on my last day?”</p><p>“Of course, I will.” She smiled widely, pulling her in for another hug. “I love you Lexa and I’m so, so proud of you.”</p><p>“I love you too mom.” She whispered; she couldn’t remember the last time she heard her mom say that, but it had to have been years.</p><p>By the time she made it back to her room the only thing she wanted to do was sleep. If she slept, she didn’t have to think so that’s what she did, she slept and slept and slept from the mid afternoon and all through the night.</p><p>“So, Lexa.” Becca smiled at the brunette across from her, it was Monday morning and time for their session. “How was the trip with your family?”</p><p>“Well...” she sighed trying to figure out how to sum up the weekend’s events. “I found out my dad had an affair with some Australian woman eleven years ago whom he shares a child with and i outed him about said things at me and Lincolns birthday dinner. Oh, and I also maxed out his credit card mostly out of spite and then I ended the night confessing my secrets to my ex who I then had sex with and the next day she avoided me like the plague, and I have no clue where we stand.”</p><p>Becca was shell-shocked which in turn shocked Lexa because she has confessed some pretty wild things in here and the woman had never wavered.</p><p>“Wow, ok it seems we have a lot to unpack today.”</p><hr/><p>
  <em>A couple weeks later </em>
</p><p>“You do know that I get out tomorrow, you didn’t have to visit me.” Lexa said staring at her brother on the opposite couch.</p><p>“I know and I came because I wanted to talk.” He said, “We haven’t discussed our issues.”</p><p>“We don’t need to we’re fine now.”</p><p>“Well I wont be fine until I explain.” He sighed, “That day, I was on the phone with Indra and I was trying to get her to tell me why our parents weren’t around. It was summer and they usually come back to New York for summer, but they said something came up that year and they couldn’t come. I was upset I wanted someone to blame but I should’ve never blamed you.” He got up and moved to the couch Lexa sat on and grabbed her hand, “Intersex or not you’re my sister, my twin and I love you more than anyone and I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like it.</p><p>was your fault they weren’t here. They weren’t here because they’re selfish I just didn’t realize that then. I don’t want to blame you for anything anymore and that includes me being in California for a year. I chose to go that’s on me, everything that’s happened I just want to let it go Lexa.”</p><p>“Me too.” She said pulling him into a hug, “Thank you for everything Lincoln, without you I don’t what would’ve happened to me.”</p><p>“We look out each other always.”</p><p>“Always.” She nodded,</p><p>“Dad came back a few weeks ago.”</p><p>“I know he tried to visit me, but I just needed the space.” She sighed, “Have you talked to him?”</p><p>“Not really, he’s apologized he wants us to talk as a ‘family’, so I guess he’s waiting on you.”</p><p>“And how do you feel about that?” Lexa asks,</p><p>“Honestly, Lex, I’m really tired of being mad at them. I’ve spent my whole life being mad at them and hating them for not being here and now they’re here and I don’t know what I want. I hate what he did, and I hate that mom stayed away and I don’t know how to forgive that.”</p><p>“Do you think we can?”</p><p>“I don’t know, and that’s scary but I know I want to.” He said, “I want a normal life with parents that live in the same house and care about where we are and if we’re coming home too late. It seems so silly now.”</p><p>“It’s not silly, I wanted those things too. Maybe eventually we can have them.”</p><p>“Maybe.” He nodded.</p><p>“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about, I was going to wait until I came home but you’re here and we’re clearing the air so.” She was nervous for this, but she knew after talking to Clarke that she needed to do this, she needed to be honest. “It’s about California and the accident……it wasn’t an accident.”</p><p>“Lexa.” He sighed and she could already see the tears building up in his eyes.</p><p>“I had been out drinking at the club I don’t even remember most of it, but I remember getting back to the house we were renting at the time. I was in the bathroom and I had gotten these pills and I just- I stared at them in my hand for so long and half of them I didn’t even know what they were, and I and I was going to flush them, but I couldn’t and without thinking I just took them all. I remember waking up in the hospital and you and Anya were there, and I could tell how scared you were, and I said it was an accident. I said that but the minute I opened my eyes I remember feeling like I wanted to cry because it didn’t work, and I was still here, and I was still me everything was still wrong, but I couldn’t tell you that. But when Indra and Nyko took me home with them and I was there for a while I started to feel better. Having these adults in my life love me like their own kid helped and I didn’t feel like I wanted to die for the first time in months and I felt better. Not completely but enough and now that I’m here and went through this program I’m so glad I woke up in that hospital because things did get better even though I thought they wouldn’t. I’m so sorry Lincoln, I’m so sorry that you had to find me like that, I’m sorry.”</p><p>Lincoln’s face was covered in tears, but he didn’t say anything he just pulled the girl back into his arms and squeezed her as tight as she could handle. That day was the scariest day of his life and deep down he always knew it wasn’t an accident but hearing her say it was different- it made it real, but he was glad for how far she’s came and how much she’s changed because a life without his sister- his twin by his side wouldn’t be a life at all.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Today was the day Lexa was getting out of rehab and Clarke was prepared to talk to her. The past two weeks had been agonizing because she had so much that she wanted to say to the girl, but she couldn’t- but now she can. She made sure to wake up early to get ready since Willa said they should be home by noon and by 11:45 Clarke was standing outside of their penthouse waiting patiently for them to pull up.</p><p>About twenty minutes later they finally had except Lexa wasn’t with them at all.</p><p>“Did she have to stay or something?” Clarke asked the woman as she got out of the car,</p><p>“No, she was able to leave.” Willa smiled seeing how panicked the blonde was, she made a mental note to ask Lexa how she could dare let her future daughter in law slip from her fingers. “She wanted to take some pictures in central park so I dropped her off there, you should go there.”</p><p>“I think I will, thank you Willa.” She said before speed walking down the street, Central Park was only a few minutes away and the way she was walking it wouldn’t take her long.</p><p>Luckily today it wasn’t too cold and by the time she made it to the park her feet only hurt a little bit, so she took that as a victory. Quickly she made her way through and luckily, she didn’t have to search long. Lexa was sitting on one of the benches staring at her camera.</p><p>“Hi.” She said causing the girl to look up at her,</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“I was waiting for you at your house, but Willa said you were here.” She said deciding to take a seat next to the girl,</p><p>“Yeah, I didn’t want to go home yet.” Lexa said letting her camera hang from her neck, “So I guess this means you’re done avoiding me.”</p><p>“I was scared.” Clarke murmured, opting to skip the part where she acts like she wasn’t avoiding the girl.</p><p>“Scared of what?”</p><p>“That you’d regret it, that you would wake up and say it was a mistake.”</p><p>“I don’t regret it Clarke.” She says honestly as she looked at the blonde, “Do you?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“I do think we can both agree it probably wasn’t the best timing though.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Clarke sighed before reaching into her purse and pulling out an envelope.</p><p>“What is that?” Lexa asks spotting it,</p><p>“I wrote this four months after you left, I was going to give it to Raven because she knew you were in California at the time and I didn’t but me and her weren’t talking and I didn’t think it was even worth it.” she said before opening it, she hadn’t had the nerve to look this letter since she wrote it but now, she needed to, to move on.</p><p>
  <em> <strong>Dear Lexa,</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>It’s been four months since you left and since Costia died and I’ve trying to figure out how you could do this to me. I don’t understand why would leave, did I do something, or did something happen because I’m trying to understand why you would leave me. Costia was my best friend and she’s dead and I need you and you’re not here and everything is falling apart. My mom is getting worse if that’s even possible, why didn’t you take me with you? You know I would follow you anywhere but I’m here without you and it’s the worst pain I’ve felt since my dad died. I call you every day, but you don’t answer, I text and email, social media everything but nothing. Please just call me I think you at least own me that because I really need you right now Lexa.</strong> </em>
</p><p>Clarke watched as her tears hit the page and she couldn’t get them to move from there, all she could do was watch as her tears ruined the ink.</p><p>“Clarke, I know no apology will ever be even but I’m so sorry.” Lexa said wiping the girls tears and her own getting the blonde to look at her. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I believe that, and I love you so much Lexa more than I can explain and not being with you hurts but I think I just- I understand why you left I want you to know that, but it still hurt me, and I just need time. Time to think and time to truly forgive you before we can be anything more than friends. “</p><p>“I understand.” Lexa nodded, wiping her wet cheeks. “I want you know I’m not going anywhere, ever again and I will wait as long as I have to. I love you Clarke Griffin, there is no one else out there for me, you’re it so I’ll be here. I’ll give you your space and prove to you I’m worthy of your forgiveness I promise I will.”</p><p>Clarke nodded throwing herself in the girls’ arms, she knew this talk would be hard because right now they can’t be together but they both knew one day they would be.</p><p>“If you break this promise I’ll kill you.” Clarke mumbled into the girl’s chest,</p><p>“Deal.” Lexa smiled, “But I never will.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sooooo...... yeah i don't know what to say... The next chapter will deal with the fall out of Gus more. </p><p>i feel like this might be my best story (i write a few other fics) so i've been enjoying writing it and i hope you guys have enjoyed reading it. </p><p>-Anyways thank you for reading as always!</p><p>Don't forget to comment, feedback is welcome and wanted!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Cold Shower</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>lighter chapter but Lexa and Gustus do talk..</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>side note: i could not for life of me come up with a name for Gustus's business partner and i'm on a Vampire Diaries re-watch right now and Klaus is the love of my life so i just used his name and his daughter (Hope) , it Has nothing to do with that show but thought it would be a fun little easter egg i'd like to think him and Caroline and somewhere happy in some universe anyways end rant! enjoyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!</p><p> </p><p>srry for mistakes i'm not perfect(:)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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</p><p><strong><em>I had a dream</em> </strong><br/><strong> <em>I got everything I wanted</em> </strong><br/><strong> <em>Not what you'd think</em> </strong><br/><strong> <em>And if I'm being honest</em></strong> <strong> <em>It might've been a nightmare- everything i wanted by Billie Eilish</em> </strong></p><hr/><p>It had been a few days since Clarke and Lexa had their talk in the park and neither of them had talked much since. Clarke would text and check in and vice versa but neither of them really knew the protocol for this type of thing. They said they would be friends for the time being but that was proving to be harder than they both thought. Since the beginning they’ve had this pull towards each other and for so long they fought it for the sake of their friendship but once they gave in and started dating there was no going back except now, they weren’t dating, and everything was confusing.</p><p>Now it was Christmas break, and all Clarke could seem to do is sit in her room and think about the brunette all damn day! She asked Lexa for time and she truly felt like she needed it, but the truth is she didn’t know why. Ok she knew why- it was because Lexa hurt her, and she needed to truly forgive her for that before they could move on but what she didn’t know was how to do that. How can she forgive her for leaving when she needed her most? Every time she thinks of that question her brain also reminds her of all the things Lexa went through that night too and she doesn’t know how to feel. She knows Lexa, she has most of her life and she’s never been able to handle things when they get hard but now, she seems different. Now after all of this and going through her program she seems like someone Clarke can put her faith in but that was scary. It was scary risking her heart again because the last time it ended with her crying herself to sleep for months and barley being able to function, what if it ended like that again?</p><p>This was the spiral she didn’t need, for now she needed a distraction because she’s been thinking about Lexa for way too long.</p><p>She pulled out her phone clicking a few names to form a group chat, she needed out the house ASAP or she might go crazy.</p><p><strong> CLARKEY</strong>🎨: Someone free me from my self-proclaimed mind prison, last minute Christmas shopping?</p><p><strong>BABYBLAKE💥</strong>: Only if we can grab food after, I’m starving, and Lincolns been wearing me out lately so I could use a break if you know what I mean ladies!!!</p><p><strong>RAEOFSUNSHINE</strong>💛: Ooh I think we do Blake 😉 The Fox’s really know how to wear a girl out trust me I know, ooh and so does someone else…...</p><p><strong>CLARKEY</strong>🎨: Leave me out of this Raven. 🤦♀️</p><p><strong>RAEOFSUNSHINE</strong>💛: Hey O, do you remember that time after school we caught Clarke walking funny after coming out of the locker room Sophomore year?</p><p><strong>BABYBLAKE💥</strong>: Yes, and there were some crazy noises coming from the room not minutes before If I recall, 🤔</p><p><strong>RAEOFSUNSHINE</strong>💛: Then a certain brunette came trailing out afterwards looking quite……</p><p><strong>BABYBLAKE</strong>💥: Fucked?</p><p><strong>RAEOFSUNSHINE</strong>💛: Exactly!‼</p><p><strong>CLARKEY</strong>🎨: I hate both of you meet me at Bergdorf’s in an hour and leave the sex talk at home I need a relaxing day!</p><p>Clarke sighed throwing her phone on the bed before going into her closet to pick an outfit. She didn’t need to be reminded of how great Lexa was in bed especially not when she’s trying to make life altering decisions about her relationship the brunette!</p><p>
  <em>Damn them, I needed to clear my fucking mind not fill it with thoughts of Lexa doing…… beyond amazing things to my body! Fuck, at this rate I’ll need a cold shower. </em>
</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Being back home was an adjustment for Lexa, not only because she got used to sleeping in the center for two months straight but also because now her home was filled with parents and she was not used to that. Not only was her own parents here which was strange enough but so were Nyko and Indra who decided to stay through Christmas which was a couple days away.</p><p>She didn’t mind though she loved them and wished they would move to New York full time but they loved Cali so she knew that would never happen. On the other hand, were her parents, things were beyond weird seeing as Lexa still refused to speak with her father which made things awkward. It’s not like she was trying to be malicious, but she needed to do things at her own rate not at his, so she told him she would talk when she was comfortable which he accepted. Still seeing him around the house trying to be nice and making breakfast- which she didn’t even know he could do- was strange. Her mother seemed to be doing things she didn’t know she could do too, like cleaning and being motherly.</p><p>To say the least things were strange in the Fox home but in saying that they weren’t relatively bad either. There was no fighting- which shocked her because if anything she excepted Lincoln to be upset but he was barely home opting to stay at Octavia’s most nights. But he assured her it wasn’t because of their parents it was because O’s mom was out of town and they wanted to take advantage of an empty mansion and she was happy they were happy. But she also couldn’t help but feel on edge because no one was discussing anything and that made her feel like things would blow up soon.</p><p>Another thing she was worried about was Clarke, she was happy they cleared the air, but she was also scared that the blonde could never forgive her. Even with that fear she had no plans on giving up. Anything she had to do to prove she was worthy of Clarke she would do. That being said she was driving herself crazy sitting around and thinking about everything going on in her life, she needed a break.</p><p>“Lexa my beautiful cousin!” Anya said entering the girl’s room with a smile that made the brunette worry instantly,</p><p>“What do you need?”</p><p>“What makes you think I need something?” Anya scoffed,</p><p>“Because I know you so skip the dramatics and tell me what’s up.”</p><p>“Ugh fine.” Anya sighed sitting on the soft bed, “I do need you; I just got a call from an old friend of mine Gaia. She’s an amazing photographer and works with all the big names- anyways she doing a shoot today and two of the models got sick and couldn’t make it. So, she’s asked me to step in.”</p><p>“Ok, sounds up your alley.” Lexa said trying to figure out what this has to do with her, “Do it.”</p><p>“I am but if you were listening, I said two models….”</p><p>Lexa stared at the girl for a few seconds trying to decipher the look her cousin was giving her- it was a mix between pleading and wanting but she had no clue why.</p><p>“I’m not following.” The brunette finally said causing the blonde to huff,</p><p>“God do you really have to be so dense today, I’m saying I need you to be the other model.”</p><p>Lexa laughed at the girl, “Me?”</p><p>“Yes, you idiot!”</p><p>“I’m not a model Anya, why don’t you call one of your supermodel friends?”</p><p>“Because the only ones I like live in California and Gaia needs this shoot today.”</p><p>“I can’t model!” she exclaimed,</p><p>“Lexa yes you can you’ve done it before.”</p><p>“Oh my god when I was like four and I don’t even remember it!” she yelled, since Willa was a fashion designer, she used to love dressing Lexa up and taking her to photoshoots. Lexa was young but she’s seen the pictures, and it’s the only reason she even remembers it.</p><p>“Please Lexa, I never ask you for anything and I really need you right now.” Anya begged, it was true Anya rarely asked her for anything and even though modeling is the last thing Lexa ever wanted to do she did owe her cousin this.</p><p>“Fine-.” She said before the girl jumped up and cheered,</p><p>“Yay, thank you I love you we leave in twenty!” she yelled before running out of the room.”</p><p>“Yay.” Lexa murmured; <em>this should be interesting. </em></p><hr/>
<hr/><p>When Clarke, Raven and Octavia made it to Bergdorf’s the blonde was excited, of course she was buying gifts for others, but she needed some retail therapy herself. Nothing major maybe a couple of new shirts and shoes maybe some skirts and a few accessories<em>- so yeah nothing major</em>.</p><p>“Who are you buying for?” Raven asks the blonde as they made their way through the store, which was filled with other shoppers,</p><p>“Well, everyone, you guys maybe something for Anya too.” Clarke shrugged, she wondered if she should get her mom something. What she had no idea since she really barely knew her- the ‘new’ her.</p><p>“Are you going to get Lexa something?” Octavia asks causing the blonde to glare at her,</p><p>“What did I say before we walked into the store, no talking about Lexa.” Clarke sighed, looking through the belts- maybe she could use one of those too.</p><p>“You did say that, but you never said why.” Raven pointed out, “Did things not go well with your talk?”</p><p>“Ok, how about we shop and at lunch I will give you two leeches all the information you want about Lexa and me?”</p><p> “Fine.” Octavia sighed, “I’m going to the lingerie section.” She winked,</p><p>“Ooh, me too.” Raven snickered following the girl to the other side of the store leaving Clarke wishing she had someone to buy lingerie for.</p><p>
  <em>Ok, no- we’re shopping not fantasizing, who’s first on the shopping list- how about Murphy, he loves jewelry so he should be easy!  </em>
</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Meanwhile on the other side of town Lexa was walking into her worst nightmare, hair, and makeup- done by professionals who had the potential to be snobby and rude. To her surprise though everyone was nice, they made small talk as they worked on her which was fine, she was good at chatting people up. There was also some flirting- which she did not return but it wasn’t anything crazy.</p><p>An hour later and she was walking into wardrobe where she found out they were doing a New Years Eve shoot for some clothing brand she’s never heard of but was sure they were overpriced and right up Anya’s alley.</p><p>She got the lucky choice of being in a sparkly mini dress which was not her own personal style at all, but she was weathering through it- <em>the things you do for family.</em></p><p>When she was dressed to the stylists liking she made her way out to the shoot where Anya was already waiting with a dark skin woman she had never seen before. She had short blonde hair and was gorgeous and from the camera in her hand she could assume she was Anya’s friend.</p><p>“Lex, this is Gaia.” Anya smiled introducing the pair, “Gaia this is my cousin Lexa.”</p><p>“Lexa it’s nice to meet you.” Gaia smiled holding her hand out which Lexa accepted,</p><p>“You too.” She smiled back, “So how did you meet my crazy cousin?”</p><p>“Oh god it was so many years ago, she was young like 14 maybe?” Gaia said looking to Anya for confirmation to which she nodded, “I was doing a shoot for fashion week and she was there, she was the youngest model in the whole thing, but she caught my eye instantly. Anytime I get to photograph her it’s an honor.”</p><p>“Oh stop.” Anya smiled smugly at the compliment, “Gaia’s an amazing photographer, working with her is always great. You know G I think Lex here is leaning towards your profession as well.”</p><p>“Oh really?”</p><p>“It’s more of a hobby right now.” Lexa said, “I’m relatively new.”</p><p>“Well, if you want to talk shop after the shoot maybe us three can grab some lunch.” Gaia suggested,</p><p>“Oh, I wouldn’t want to take up your time.” Lexa replied dismissively,</p><p>“It’s no problem plus I owe you girls, my shoot was almost ruined until you saved the day.”</p><p>“Ok, then sure.” Lexa smiled, for the first time she was actually excited to be at this shoot.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>“Red or purple?” Octavia asked holding up two corsets.</p><p>“Definitely red.” Raven smirked before holding up her own choices, “Push up or mesh?”</p><p>“Mesh, you don’t have much to push up anyways so the mesh will be sexier.” Octavia said,</p><p>“You’re right.” Raven nodded,</p><p>“Are you two about done?” Clarke grumbled from her chair; thank god this store has seating because her legs would’ve given out ages ago. She had managed to by a few gifts and these two had barely managed to pick one piece of lingerie.</p><p>“Maybe you should get something Clarke.” Raven smirked turning to the blonde.</p><p>“For what? I don’t exactly have anyone to impress.” She rolled her eyes,</p><p>“So.” Octavia shrugged, “Lingerie isn’t always about impressing your partner, sometimes it feels good to just wear something sexy and that makes you feel good.”</p><p>“She’s right, come on.” Raven pulled the blonde out of her chair, “We’re not leaving this store until you choose something.”</p><p>“Fine.” Clarke said picking up some random bra,</p><p>“As if, first of all that’s an A cup and we all know you’re not getting into that and second of all its yellow which won’t bode well with your complexion.” Octavia said grabbing the garment from the blondes’ hand and putting it back on the rack. “Ok, what color makes you feel sexy?”</p><p>“Do we really have to do this?” Clarke groaned, all she wanted was to go to the next store not pointlessly by sexy bra’s and panties.</p><p>“Yes, and like I said we’re not leaving until you choose something so answer the question.” Raven demanded and Clarke sighed,</p><p>“Fine, I guess… black.” What she didn’t say is it’s also Lexa’s favorite color on her, it’s the color that she bought all of her lingerie in when they were together because it drove the brunette crazy. But truthfully Lexa made her feel sexy in anything no matter the color- black was just what ended up feeling sexiest to Clarke all the time.</p><p> “Black.” Octavia said to herself before dragging the blonde to the black section- thank god for color coordinating. “Ok now choose.”</p><p>Clarke didn’t argue instead she browsed through the selection until something caught her eye.</p><p>“I like this.” She grabbed a lacey bra and panty set, for the most part it was basic, but she genuinely liked it and she knew someone else would too, but their opinion was void,</p><p>“Cute, I think this would be cute for you too.” Raven grinned holding up a mesh bodysuit,</p><p>“Definitely!” Octavia agreed, “Ok let’s check out.”</p><p>Clarke didn’t even argue that she had no use for the body suit or that she thought the bra set was enough she just went with it because she wanted to get the hell out of this store already.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>The shoot was done, and Lexa couldn’t have been gladder, the beginning was awkward mostly because she had no clue what to do or how to pose but Gaia was encouraging and even posed her if she couldn’t get it right herself. For the most part it was just Anya and her there which helped with her comfort, but the constant outfit change didn’t. She was in all sorts of clothes from dresses to skirts to pants and bra tops and it was too much, she wasn’t a fashion guru like Anya, so this wasn’t fun to her.</p><p>Once the last outfits were shot, they called it a day so Lexa returned to her dressing room and changed before meeting the others outside so they could go for lunch.</p><p>Anya ended up choosing Butter which was fine with her- it was also one of Clarke’s favorites. They shared so many dates at the place, the moment she walked in it was like a reminder all of them and it made her smile.</p><p>They got a table quickly before browsing over the menu,</p><p>“So, Lexa are you sure you’re not into modeling because you’re natural at it.” Gaia said looking up from her menu,</p><p>“I know right.” Anya agreed, “All everyone could talk about was the gorgeous brunette with legs for days.”</p><p>“Jealous?” Lexa teased,</p><p>“Please.” Anya scoffed, flipping her hair playfully.</p><p>“I’ll leave the modeling to you; I much prefer being more lowkey.” Lexa shrugged,</p><p>“Says the resident upper east side bad girl.” Anya mumbles,</p><p>“So, you’ve got a reputation then?” Gaia asked teasingly,</p><p>“I guess you could say that.” Lexa replied,</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>“Ok, four stores is all I can handle can we please get food now?” Octavia whined as they made their way back to the town car, several bags in hand.</p><p>“I agree, my leg is starting to hurt.” Raven said,</p><p>“Food sounds good, how about butter?” Clarke suggested and there was no objections, so she told the driver, and they were off.</p><p>Butter was a favorite of the blondes and she hadn’t been in a while- a year four months and three weeks to be exact. The last time she was there was with Lexa celebrating the end of sophomore year and after she left, she couldn’t bring herself to go back no matter how much she missed with garlic chicken pasta. But now felt like she could step foot in there and handle the memories of the past plus it was time to let go of the pain in the past- or at least try to.</p><p>When they arrived, they were immediately taken to a table where all three noticed two Fox’s sitting not too far away. Clarke noticed immediately how put together Lexa looked, she had a full face of makeup and her usually curly hair was not straightened- which was not like her. She also couldn’t help but noticed the other woman sitting with them, she was gorgeous, and Lexa seemed to be into whatever conversation they were having.</p><p>“Who’s that?” Raven asked regarding the mystery woman with the pair,</p><p>“No clue.” Octavia shrugged,</p><p>“Me either.” Clarke said,</p><p>“We should go say hi.” Raven said before walking towards their table, Clarke hesitantly followed. “Look who it is.” Raven smiled getting the girls attention.</p><p>“Raven, funny seeing you here.” Anya smiled, standing to properly greet the girl. “What brings you girls downtown?”</p><p>“Just a little Christmas shopping.” Raven replied,</p><p>“Ooh, did you get me something.”</p><p>“Maybe.” The girl said smugly, “You have to wait and see.”</p><p>“Fair.” She smiled before turning back to the table where Lexa was staring at Clarke like a lovesick fool, “Where are my manners, Gaia these some friends of me and Lexa’s. That’s Clarke, Octavia and this one is Raven.”</p><p>“It’s nice to meet you guys.” Gaia smiled waving at the group,</p><p>“You too,” they each cooed,</p><p>“Hey Clarke.” Lexa smiled, not really knowing If she should hug the girl- do they hug?</p><p>“Hey Lex.” Clarke smiled back, <em>dammit why was she so cute.</em></p><p>“Would you guys like to join us?” Lexa asked,</p><p>“No because then we wouldn’t be able to talk about you.” Raven joked but was also very serious. “Plus, we already got a table, but I’m sure we’ll see you guys later.” she said before shooing the others back to the table.</p><p>“What the hell was that about?” Octavia asked once they were back at their own table and in their seats,</p><p>“She introduced me as her friend.” Raven said a little panicky, “Her friend, do you think that girl is like someone else she’s dating, and she didn’t want to introduce me?”</p><p>“No Rae, they all seemed like friends.” Octavia said trying to assure the girl, “Plus are you guys official?”</p><p>“I don’t even know.” Raven sighed, “We haven’t really talked about a title, we hangout and have sex and go on dates and stuff though.”</p><p>“You just need to talk to her Rae.” Clarke smiled grabbing the brunette’s hand, “Tell her you want to be girlfriends.”</p><p>“What if she doesn’t want that? I mean she’s a model for crying out loud and I’m just some nobody with a brace.”</p><p>“I want to slap you in the face right now.” Octavia scolded, “Never say that about yourself again, Raven you are incredibly gorgeous and smart as hell brace or not Anya is lucky enough to even have you in her bed let alone as her girlfriend!”</p><p>“She’s right, don’t let this situation fill your head with doubts.” Clarke added, “Just talk to her about it.”</p><p>“You guys are right.” Raven nodded, “Ok take my mind off of it, talk about something else.”</p><p>“Well, it’s lunch so Clarke can finally tell us what happened with Lexa.” Octavia snickered and Raven seemed to perk up at that suggestion.</p><p>“Yes, spill the tea.”</p><p>“Ugh fine.”</p><p>Clarke started explaining everything from the cabin to the sex down to their talk in central park. She left out details on why Lexa left because that wasn’t her story to tell but she talked about everything else. She mentioned her fears and doubts until their food came and she realized how long she had been talking.</p><p>“You had sex?” Octavia asked at the end of it,</p><p>“Why is that the only thing either of take away from these conversations.” Clarke sighed cutting into her chicken, “Yes we had sex, it was amazing blah blah blah now tell me what I’m supposed to do now!”</p><p>“We can’t tell you that hun.”</p><p>“Clearly you want to be with her so why don’t you?”</p><p>“Because I don’t want us to get together if I’m still not over her leaving. I don’t want us to fight about it down the line or throw it in her face when it’s relevant I want to be completely over it.”</p><p>“That sounds good so then what’s the issue?” Raven asked,</p><p>“How do I get over it? How do I know I’m over it, will I ever be able to trust her again?”</p><p>“There is so set instructions on how to get over something like this Clarke, it just takes time.”</p><p>“O’s right, use this time to hangout with Lexa let her prove she’s reliable and deserves a second chance.”</p><p>“What if she doesn’t want to hang out?” Clarke asks sneaking a peak at the girl who was currently laughing at something Gaia had said.</p><p>“This is Lexa, the girl who’s been I love with you for like ever. She’ll take any chance she can to hang out with you.” Raven smiled,</p><p>“Just don’t have sex with her, not until you know you’re ready to be with her.”</p><p>“Easier said than done.” Clarke mumbled,</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Lunch was going good and as promised Gaia was giving her tips on photography and even telling a few stories about what it’s like to work in the industry. The woman had also taken a look at some of Lexa’s photos and said they were good which made her happy. She was a little shocked to see Clarke and the others but also happy too, anytime she could see the blonde she was happy. She was gorgeous as usual, but the conversation was cut short after Anya and Raven’s awkwardness ruined the vibe- she made a note to talk to her cousin about that later.</p><p>Once they were done eating Lexa got the check before they made their way to the town car. On the way out she noticed Clarke and the others also finishing up their meal.</p><p>“You know Lexa if you are serious about photography then you should look into Parson.” Gaia said once they were outside. “I teach a few classes there and I’d be happy to write a recommendation for you.”</p><p>“Really?” Lexa asked wide eyed,</p><p>“Yes, but only if you’re serious.” Gaia prefaced, “Keep working and building your portfolio and we can discuss something coming college application time, ok?”</p><p>“Ok, yeah thank you.”</p><p>“Of course.” She smiled before her phone started ringing, “I have to get this give me a minute.”</p><p>Lexa nodded watching the girl walked off before picking up her phone, she couldn’t even believe what the girl just said.</p><p>College wasn’t something Lexa had put much thought into but now that she’s actually interesting in something she was excited about maybe possibly studying that and making a career out of it. Never did she ever think taking one class would lead to this, but she was happy she did take it.</p><p>“My cousin the photographer.” Anya smiled from beside the girl, “I like it. “</p><p>“I think I do too.” She smiled, “What’s up with you and Raven by the way?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Things were weird, and you introduced her as a friend, are you two not dating?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Anya huffed, “We haven’t ever really had that conversation.”</p><p>“Do you want to date her?” Lexa asks,</p><p>“Duh! She’s hot and smart and funny and she can keep up with me, not many people can.” Anya grinned,</p><p>“Then what’s the issue?” Lexa asks seeing the blonde sigh heavily,</p><p>“We graduate soon, and I plan to travel for work, what if- what if she doesn’t want that? Or what if she agrees to stay together and then goes to college and meets some hot mechanic that sweeps her off her feet and she forgets about me while I’m in Italy walking the fucking runway?”</p><p>“Anya if I’ve learned anything recently it’s talking can fix so much, talk to her about it. Don’t let your crazy mind come up with scenarios just speak to her.” Lexa said just as the other group was making their way out of the restaurant. “Perfect timing.”</p><p>“We’re you waiting for us or something?” Raven asks seeing the girls standing outside of the restaurant.</p><p>“Maybe we were.” Lexa shrugged with a smile, “Anya needed to talk to you so.”</p><p>“You did?” Raven asks seeing the girl throw Lexa a glare before looking to her,</p><p>“Yes, if you don’t mind.”</p><p>“Of course not.” Raven said walking away from the group with the girl,</p><p>“I’m going to wait in the car.” Octavia says smugly leaving only Clarke and Lexa standing together, </p><p>“Sorry about that!” Gaia said walking back over to the brunette, “I have to go do a shoot in Cali last minute thing but here is my card, think about what I said Lexa.”</p><p>“I will thank you Gaia.” She smiled waving the girl off,</p><p>“She’s pretty.” Clarke says once the girl was gone.</p><p>“She is.” Lexa agreed seeing the blonde’s face fall a bit. “But no one’s more beautiful than you Clarke.”</p><p>“Smooth.” The blonde rolled her eyes playfully, feeling her cheeks warming up.</p><p>“I try.” Lexa winked,</p><p>“You look different.”</p><p>“Yeah, Anya dragged me to a photoshoot where I had to model.”</p><p>“Oh.” Clarke said a bit shocked, “And on a scale of one to ten how much did you hate it?” she asked knowingly,</p><p>“Maybe like a an eight.” She laughed, “But it wasn’t so bad, and I met Gaia who is the photographer and she volunteered to help with me with maybe studying photography for college.”</p><p>“Really, that’s great.” Clarke beamed, “I did notice you taking a bunch of photos at the cabin, is this what you want to do?”</p><p>“I think so yeah, I really enjoy it.”</p><p>“Well then I’m happy or you Lex, maybe you’ll show me some of your pictures sometime?”</p><p>“Of course, and maybe you’ll let me take some of you.” Lexa said causing the blonde to blush,</p><p>“Surly there are more interesting things to shoot.”</p><p>“I can’t think of one.” Lexa smirked,</p><p>“Ok, what kind of pictures?” Clarke asked,</p><p>“Naked one’s of course.” Lexa smiled seeing the blonde’s face turn bright red,</p><p>“I hate you.” Clarke laughed covering her face with her hands,</p><p>“I’m joking although I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”</p><p>“How about a simple portrait, fully clothed of course.” Clarke smirked,</p><p>“Boring.” The girl teased, “But I’ll take what I can get if it means getting you alone and all too myself.”</p><p>“If that’s what you wanted all you had to was ask.”</p><p>“Well, I didn’t really know if I was allowed to ask you to hang out.” Lexa said honestly, “Or if I could even text you or call, I don’t really know what to do.”</p><p>“You can do all of those things; we can hang out and text and whatever.” Clarke smiled, “I would like that if we did those things.”</p><p>“Then let me take the first step, do you have any Christmas plans?”</p><p>“If you count Audrey Hepburn marathon and take out yes.”</p><p>“As riveting as that sounds how about instead you come over to my house for dinner.”</p><p>“Oh yeah, Willa texted me an invite yesterday I think.”</p><p>“Of course, she did.” Lexa mumbled, “She’s in love with you it’s getting unhealthy at this point.”</p><p>“Jealous much?” Clarke teased,</p><p>“Maybe, can you forget she invited you and pretend I invited you first?”</p><p>“Sure.” Clarke laughed, “And yes I’ll come, but you do owe me a movie night to make up for it.”</p><p>“I can do that.” Lexa grinned, she loved how easy this was how everything was so natural between them when she expected it to be the opposite. “For warning this dinner has the potential to be awkward and weird just so you know.”</p><p>“I think I can handle it.”</p><p>“Cool.” Lexa smiled seeing Anya and Raven walking back over to them,</p><p>“Ready Lex?” Anya asks,</p><p>“Yeah.” She nodded turning back to Clarke, “I’ll see you in a couple of days?”</p><p>“I’ll be there.” Clarke smiled.</p><p>“Ok, cool.” Lexa said awkwardly not sure what to do from her like if they hug or what but before she could do anything Anya pulled her away towards the car. “What’s your problem?”</p><p>“Beside you throwing me under the bus,”</p><p>“Don’t be dramatic- ugh what am I saying you practically invented the term.” Lexa sassed getting into the car, “Did you talk to her?”</p><p>“Not really, I just asked her to come over later we could talk.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“Now I just need to rush and pick out the perfect will you be my girlfriend outfit- but also something comfortable enough so that if she rejects me, I can just fall into bed.” Anya said as she thought through her wardrobe,</p><p>“A sweat suit.” Lexa said playfully,</p><p>“I do have a vintage velour Juicy Couture sweat suit that I’ve been dying to breakout.” Anya said seriously,</p><p>“Of course, you do.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>It was the day before Christmas and Lexa was sitting in a Starbucks not too far from her house sipping on an ice coffee. She didn’t care if it was thirty degree’s outside, iced drinks were her go to plus she needed the boost for what she was about to do.</p><p>The little bell on the door dinged signaling someone had entered and that’s when Lexa’s nerves kicked in. She watched as the person made their way over to her table before sitting at the empty seat across from them.</p><p>“Thanks for coming.”</p><p>“Thank you for asking me.” Gustus replied, looking at his daughter.</p><p>Lexa knew eventually she would have to talk to him, they lived in the same house and there was only so much avoiding one person can do. Admittedly, she had been scared of this conversation, scared of what she would ask and especially of the answers, but they needed this.</p><p>“Lexa I now this situation Is hard and I’m sorry for ever putting you in it. I know it may not seem like it, but I never meant to hurt you, or your brother and my mistakes did just that and I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Why did you do it?” Lexa asks, “Why did you cheat?”</p><p>“I’m sure as your mom explained we had been going through a hard time, we lost our baby and we had just gotten the worst news that we couldn’t have more kids and it put a bridge between us. Most of the time we never talked but I could see your mom was having a hard time with everything. She was barely eating or talking, and I didn’t know how to help her, and she wouldn’t let me help her. It was about a year later that she suggested we go on a trip and I agreed. At this point we had been sleeping in separate rooms and only talking when it was about you and your brother. So, when she suggested we needed time to reconnect I agreed, so we went. When we got there, I figured we would be spending every moment together but it’s not what happened. Willa pretty much spent most of her time at the beach or anywhere I wasn’t, so I took the initiative. I planned a dinner for us that didn’t go well at all. Halfway through it, Willa stormed off after I made a comment about adoption seeing as we couldn’t have more kids. After that I felt like I couldn’t do or say anything right and I ended up at the bar and that’s where I met Sage. She was nice and complimented me and I honestly don’t remember much else just that she made me feel nice and I hadn’t felt that way In while. We ended up in her room and the next day I regretted immediately, i was drunk and stupid and I barely knew the woman. It was a mistake and I wanted to tell Willa but when I went to the room she was crying and that’s when she told me about her postpartum depression and how she wasn’t handling the miscarriage or any of it well at all. She apologized to me about how she was acting, and I wanted to tell her, I wanted to come clean, but she already looked so broken and I just cowered out. After that night things got better and we talked to each other more, the rest of the trip was good and when we returned to New York Willa started counselling which helped her a great deal and we were better than ever. It wasn’t until about ten months later that Sage called me that I came clean to Willa.”</p><p>“She says she called you a couple of weeks later.” Lexa said,</p><p>“It was a after Madi was born I remember; it was then that we got a DNA test.”</p><p>“That’s her name, Madi?”</p><p>“Madelaine but she likes to be called Madi.” He smiled and Lexa felt like her heart was breaking all over again, “After she was born Willa understandably was upset and I tried to take care of Madi and fix my marriage while also taking care of you and Lincoln, but it was all proving to be impossible.”</p><p>“So, you ran?” Lexa asks, running seemed to be all anyone in this family could do.</p><p>“I chose to be a coward and believe money could fix things, but it doesn’t.”</p><p>“Sage made it seem like you two weren’t together.”</p><p>“We aren’t, we never were together just the one night after that the only communication we have is about Madi.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell her about us then?” Lexa murmured,</p><p>“She always knew I had a family Lexa.” He sighed, “She told me she said that so you wouldn’t think less of her or call her a whore as your mother tends to do. Sage was young and made a mistake, we both did but we both just want what’s best for our kids.”</p><p>“But she says you barely visit Madi, and mom thinks that’s where you are all the time so if you’re not there where are you?” This was the question, the one where having the answer scared her because no matter what his answer would be somewhere that was more important than being with her.</p><p>“There were times I was with Willa and we would travel, but the majority of the time I was at my offices in New Orleans where Klaus and his family lives.”</p><p>“Why- why didn’t you come back to us?” Lexa hated how pathetic she sounded but she needed to know,</p><p>“Once again, I was a coward, I couldn’t face what I had done and seeing you guys and Willa made me do that. It made me face that I ruined our family, seeing Madi was a reminder of that and in turn I was a horrible father to her and none of you kids deserve that, but I want to be better.”</p><p>“Do love my mom?”</p><p>“I do.” Gustus said, a smile creeping onto his face. “She’s the only woman I’ll ever love but I hurt her, and I have to face the consequences.”</p><p>Lexa nodded trying to digest everything that was said, she doesn’t know what to do or what to say.</p><p>“I told Lincoln everything I’m telling you and I mean it Lexa; I want to be a father to you.”</p><p>“How can I believe you?” She asks, tears burning her eyes. “I don’t want to be mad at you forever, but I don’t know how to forgive you either.”</p><p>“I’ll have to earn it and I’ll never stop trying to, I promise you that.” He said grabbing the girl’s hand and she didn’t pull away,</p><p>“What’s going to happen, are you still with mom?”</p><p>“Me and your mom are doing counseling together, we both love each other so much but there’s a lot to fix. But our main priority is being here for you and Lincoln that’s all that matters even if in the end we don’t end up together.”</p><p>“And what about Madi, she was sick?”</p><p>“She’s had heart problems since she was very young, but she’s scheduled for a surgery soon after Christmas.”</p><p> “But she’ll be ok?” Lexa asked,</p><p>“Yeah, they think she’ll be fine.” He nodded, “She reminds me a lot of you, big smile and wild hair.” He smiled, “I would love for you and Lincoln to meet her.”</p><p>“No- I mean.” Lexa sighed, “I- I’m not ready for that, not yet.”</p><p>“I understand Lexa.”</p><p>“But you need to be there for her, she’s young and it’s hard not having parents when your young.” Lexa said knowingly, “She’ll need you for daddy daughter dances and recitals and sports games and just to talk to. She deserves those things, and I don’t want her to have to feel the way me and Lincoln do, so take care of her and I don’t mean monthly phone calls and sending money. I mean really take care of her, call her everyday and flying out every month, take her on trips and make memories. Make sure she knows you love her because feeling like you don’t know is the worst feeling ever. It’s too late for me and Lincoln but it’s not for her.”</p><p>“It’s not too late Lexa-.”</p><p>“It is and that's what you and mom don’t understand, me and Lincoln are 18 we’re graduating in less than 6 months and then we’ll be in college. Sure, you’ll be here for that, but we’ll never have memories of seeing you guys at our recitals or getting to invite you to a dance. We’ll never get to ask advice for our first crush or first date, you never saw us off on our first high school dance. We don’t have childhood memories with you guys in it and for that I’ll forgive either of you, but I don’t want that for Madi. She deserves more than having to live with the fact that you didn’t even know your parents loved you until you were eighteen. She deserves more so just promise me you’ll give her that, please.”</p><p>“I will, and I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, but I will be from now. I’ll be here for all your graduations and all your accomplishments. Your wedding and when you kids all of it, I promise.”</p><p>“I wish I could just believe you, but it’ll take time.”</p><p>“I know and I’ll be here.” He smiled. “You know I got a call from the Arctic Animals associations, they wanted to thank me for such a large donation to their cause. $40,000 will go a long way for the animals they said.”</p><p>“I wanted to do an even 50 but it wouldn’t let me, apparently that’s your limit.” She replied, she wasn’t sorry for that the animals deserve more than he does.</p><p>“Well, I’m glad it at least went to something good.” He laughed,</p><p>Going into this Lexa didn’t know what would happen or how she would feel, and she can’t say she is 100% ready for her dad to be in her life, but she is willing to try. If Lincoln- who a month ago barely spoke two words to the man can be civil then so could she. All she could hope was that it will all work out in the end, god knows no one needs more Fox family drama.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>It was Christmas day and Clarke was making her way up the Fox penthouse with Raven and several gifts in hand. Obviously, she couldn’t show up empty handed, and she had already gotten Anya and Lexa something but that still left their parents. For Anya’s parents she got them a couple’s message with the best masseuse in New York since she didn’t know them much, she didn’t quite know what to get but Anya assured her this was fine. For Gus she got cufflinks and for Willa the new Chanel bag- Lexa told her to get them nothing but she couldn’t do that plus this was her mom’s money and she deserved to spend it due to past trauma- that’s what she tells herself at least.</p><p>When the elevator dinged, they were welcomed by what seemed to be workers who took their bags and coats.</p><p>“That’s new.” Raven whispered as they thanked the two men before walking into the house.</p><p>“Does it really surprise you?” Clarke smiled,</p><p>“I guess not but still strange.” She shrugged,</p><p>They walked into the living room where they found a very interesting scene of Anya playing the piano as Lexa sung beside her while their moms watched.</p><p>
  <em>“I'm gonna pick up the pieces,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And build a Lego house,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When things go wrong, we can knock it down.”</em>
</p><p>“I forgot she could sing.” Raven whispered as they watched the scene and Clarke had to admit she did too,</p><p>Lexa didn’t sing often but she had a nice voice and hearing it now was doing things to her already confused heart. They continued through the song until Lexa spotted them and smiled a bit, before singing the next lyrics looking at Clarke.</p><p>
  <em>“I'm out of touch, I'm out of love,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'll pick you up when you're getting down,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And out of all these things I've done,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think I love you better now,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'll do it all for you in time,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And out of all these things I've done,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think I love you better now, now,”</em>
</p><p>Clarke couldn’t help but smile the rest of the song and when it was over, she barely heard Willa and Indra clapping all she could see was Lexa.</p><p>
  <em>Damn her, </em>
</p><p>“That was amazing!” Willa smiled,</p><p>“It was but maybe something a little cheerier next time.” Indra suggested,</p><p>“All Anya can play is that song, bad romance and I knew you were trouble.” Lexa snorted,</p><p>“And Lovefool by the cardigans.” Anya added,</p><p>“Lexa you can play.” Willa said,</p><p>“Yeah, when I was eight.” Lexa pointed out, “It’s been a while.”</p><p>“I thought it was great.” Raven smiled walking deeper into the living room where an excited Anya jumped on her,</p><p>“Everyone my GIRLFRIEND has arrived!” Anya smiled placing a kiss on the girl cheek,</p><p>“Yes, dear you’ve told us Raven was your girlfriend maybe twenty times today and most of us already assumed she was.” Indra smiled giving the brunette hug, “Welcome Raven.”</p><p>“More like forty times.” Lexa mumbled,</p><p>“Jealous much bitch?”</p><p>“Language!” Indra scolded, “God what am I going to do with you.”</p><p>“Oh Clarke!” Willa smiled rushing over to the blonde, “I’m so glad you could make it!”</p><p>“Thank you for inviting me.” The blonde smiled giving the woman a hug, seeing Lexa roll her eyes. She mouthed jealous causing the brunette to roll her eyes again but smile.</p><p>“Of course, you are always welcome here Lexa or no Lexa! Remember that.”</p><p>“Why would she be here if not for me?” Lexa asked joining the pair,</p><p>“To see me of course.” Willa said,</p><p>“Maybe I came here today to see Willa.” Clarke added, a smirk on her face.</p><p>“As you kids would say you just got burned Lexa.” Willa smiled and Lexa cringed,</p><p>“Please stop talking it’s embarrassing.” She groaned,</p><p>“Fine, I’ll leave you two.” Willa smiled pushing the blonde a little bit closer to her daughter before walking off,</p><p>“I’m sorry about her.” Lexa laughed taking a step back to give the girl some space,</p><p>“Don’t be.” Clarke smiled taking in the girl, her hair was back in curls down her back and she was wearing a low-cut black top and jeans and racoon house slippers. “Comfortable, aren’t we?”</p><p>“Yes, and my mother almost had a heart attack when I came out of my room but then I informed her that I’m going to wear what I want.” She smiled looking down at her slippers,</p><p>“We both know you came out here with them on purposefully to get a rise out of her.”<br/>“What can I say Clarke, hold habits die hard.” She shrugged, a smug look on her face. “You on the other hand look stunning.”</p><p>She watched as the brunette’s green eyes raked over body taking in her tight red sweater dress.</p><p>“Thank you.” She blushed, “I haven’t heard you sing in a while.”</p><p>“Yeah, I never do but me and Anya were playing around, and we had the misfortune of getting caught which led to the mini concert you saw.”</p><p>“Well, for the record you sounded amazing.”</p><p>“I like it better when you sing to me.” She smirked and Clarke hated how smug and adorably sexy the girl could be with just one look.</p><p>“Lincoln and Octavia have arrive so how about some gifts?” Willa suggested pulling both girls from their conversation.</p><p>They made their way over to the couches as the gifts were being brought in, Clarke took a seat next to Octavia needing a little space to cool off because every conversation she seemed to have with the brunette turned heated.</p><p>Gifts started being tore apart and she even saw Lexa accept one from Gustus, granted she didn’t smile or look happy, but she accepted it and that seemed like progress.</p><p>“Oh my god did you guys get me a car?” Anya asked gesturing to the small box her mom handed her,</p><p>“You can’t even drive.” Lincoln pointed out,</p><p>“Better than Lexa. “Anya retorts.</p><p>“But Lexa actually has her license.” Nyko says,</p><p>“Yeah, because she slept with the instructor.” Anya claims and every adult gasped,</p><p>“Lexa that is not true is it?” Willa asks,</p><p>“Of course, it’s not.” Lexa says flipping her cousin off, “First of all he was a guy, and I don’t like guys, but he did have a crush on me, so I wasn’t going to say no when he decided to pass me.” She shrugged, “You’re just mad you failed, maybe show a little leg next time.” She smirked,</p><p>“She will do no such thing.” Indra said, “And neither will you Lexa!”</p><p>“I was wearing jeans! He had a crush what do you guys want me to do?” she defended, “God can we not talk about me anymore.”</p><p>“Good idea.”</p><p>They continued gifts until they were done, Willa was in love with the bag Clarke got her and Anya was living for the Gucci headband Clarke got her too, even Nyko and Indra liked their gift, so she felt good. She got Lexa something, but the brunette had asked her to open theirs in private after dinner, so she agreed.</p><hr/><p>Dinner was served and everyone seemed to be getting along well, Clarke expecting something worse like glares and award looks and there were moments but for the most part everything seemed ok.</p><p>After dinner Clarke grabbed her gift that she wrapped for Lexa and made her way to the brunette’s room where she was waiting.</p><p>“Wow, looks different.” Clarke said as she looked around, pictures covered the walls and there was even a new paint color as well.</p><p>“Well, the photos are mine I’m trying to choose which one’s I like, and the paint happened when I couldn’t sleep a couple nights ago.” Lexa replied walking over her desk where a small blue box sat,</p><p>Clarke looked around at the photos seeing a few were from TonDC, the frozen lake, the hot chocolate stand even some of mountains covered in white dust.</p><p>“They’re all beautiful.” She said running her hand over the glossy paper, “You’re really good.”</p><p>“I’m glad you like them.”</p><p>Clarke carefully looked over each photo pointing out which ones she liked best and which ones Lexa should add to her portfolio. A few minutes later they finally got down to the gift giving.</p><p>“Ok me first.” Clarke smiled handing Lexa the box wrapped in electric green wrapping paper, it was bright and vibrant and reminded her of the girl’s eyes, so she had to get it.</p><p>She watched as Lexa gently tore through the paper revealing the gift causing a big smile to break out on the brunette’s face.</p><p>“I know you already have one, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have a different type.” Clarke said, after running into Lexa the other day and seeing her excitement about the prospects of going to photography school she wanted to get her a gift that fueled that excitement even more. That’s what led to the gift, it was an antique polaroid camera that she found and had to get. It was in good shape and even upgraded but it still had a vintage feel.</p><p>“I love it Clarke.” Lexa grinned as she looked over the camera, “Thank you so much, it means a lot that you’re so supportive of this.”</p><p>“I’ll always support you, no matter what Lex.” She smiled grabbing the girl’s hand causing both of them to pause and look at each other. They both knew this would be hard, being around each other but not being able to do what they really want to do. Like how Lexa wanted nothing more than to claim the blonde’s lips as she’s done a hundred times or Like how Clarke wanted to rip Lexa’s clothes off and never leave the bed they were currently sitting on- but they can’t.</p><p>“I guess it’s my turn.” Lexa said clearing her throat before grabbing her gift and handing it to the girl,</p><p>Clarke unwrapped the bow on the box until it fell on her lap and she slowly opened it to reveal a necklace with a small locket on it. It was beautiful and perfect; she ran her finger over the silver locket until she came across a date. <em>06/02/2014.</em></p><p>“This date.” Clarke whispered, she knew it immediately, but she couldn’t believe Lexa even remembered it.</p><p>“Our first kiss.” Lexa smiled, “We were 12 and it was summer, I realized slowly that I liked you more than I should’ve at the time. You were my best friend, and I wasn’t supposed to want to kiss you, but I did and it scary. But one day you were staying over my house and I just kissed you. I was so scared you would run away and never talk to me again, but you didn’t, you just smiled and told me goodnight and went to sleep. I think that was the night I realized I loved you, but we were so young, and I had no clue what love was then but it’s a date I’ll never forget.”</p><p>Clarke wouldn’t either, she remembered how nervous she was that Lexa had kissed her because she had never been kissed before and she had no clue what to do. The kiss itself was brief- it was more of a peck but to Clarke it meant everything. It meant that she wasn't wrong for feeling the way she did for Lexa, it meant that she wasn’t alone in feeling them and that meant everything.</p><p>“Can you put it on me?” Clarke asks handing the delicate chain over to the brunette and turning around. She lifted her blonde curls feeling warm hands brush over her neck before the cold chain was clipped on. She knew then she was never taking it off, not if she could help it. “I love this Lexa.”</p><p>“I wanted you to know I love you and me giving this to you is a promise, a promise that I will fix us, and we can get back to our forever.” Lexa said, her tone was serious, but she needed Clarke to know that she was serious and that this wasn’t something she was taking lightly. “How ever long it takes.”</p><p>“Thank you, Lexa.” She smiled grabbing the locket loosely,</p><p>“We should rejoin the others, or my mother will come searching for you.”</p><p>“You are so jealous of me and your mom.” She smirked, nudging the girl.</p><p>“She’s obsessed with you.” Lexa defended, “It’ unhealthy.”</p><p>“She’s not the only Fox obsessed with me.” Clarke grinned,</p><p>“She definitely is not.”</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="http://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My tumblr🤍</a>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>song Lexa and Anya played was Lego house by Ed Sheeran</p><p>so i wanted to do something lighter since the last few chapters have been angsty asf so heres a break! The next chapter may have a bit of drama as Lexa returns to school after rehab and her and Clarke trying to navigate their new...... friendship? Also have i an idea of when/how i want to introduce Madi but i don't know yet- i do know it will be a while though....... also i don't want to give the idea that Willa and Gustus are just off the hook they're not but Lexa and Lincoln both want to try no matter how angry or hurt they are... if that makes sense?  anyways....<br/>also got an idea for a really dark Clexa Fic the other day but i don't know if i can pull it off...... it's been on my mind a lot though...... who knows if i'll write it maybe.. </p><p>Thank You for reading i can't believe this story has 10,000 hits you guys are amazing and as always feedback is always welcome and wanted!!!</p><p>come say hi on Tumblr! @lexkru (i never used to use my account but i'm trying to and I’m learning lol I feel so old (I’m 21) anyways drop your tumblrs and I’ll follow you!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Road to Forgiveness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Clarke seeks advice and Lexa gets a surprise...........</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <p><em> <strong>Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>I don't wanna be nowhere else</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>Take me from the dark, from the dark</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>I ain't gonna make it myself</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>Put your arms around me</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>Put your arms around me</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>Let your love surround me</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>I am lost</strong> </em><br/><em> <strong>I am lost<br/></strong></em> <em> <strong>If I ain't got you here</strong> </em></p>
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    <em> <strong>If I ain't got you, I ain't got nothing at all- Can you hold me by NF</strong> </em>
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</div><p>It was officially a new year and for many people that meant another first day of school after a long Holiday break. For Lexa it meant a little bit more because it was her first day back after her two month in rehab. If there is one thing Lexa could say about herself is that when it came to her peers, she never really cared what they thought about her. She never cared if they called her a party girl or even a whore because for the most part, she was those things and so were they. This was a high school on the upper east side, most of the students did the same stuff she was doing, and no one blinked an eye.</p><p>So, in saying that she wasn’t nervous because of what people would say she was nervous because of her anxiety.</p><p>Anxiety was something she had suffered with for as long as she could remember and for the most part the attacks calmed until she came back to New York. She was learning to control it though, Becca has helped and even having Clarke in her life has helped but she didn’t want to be codependent on anyone. She wanted to be able to handle things on her own and that’s what she planned to do.</p><p>The morning of the first day Lexa woke up extra early in order to workout, luckily her building has a gym, so it was convenient. Afterwards she showered and got dresses in her uniform, even though it had only been two months it felt weird to</p><p>put back on. Once she was dressed, she put her hair in two French braids and did some light makeup before making her way to the kitchen where to her surprise was breakfast.</p><p>“Goodmorning angel.” Willa beamed as she plated a stack of pancakes,</p><p>“Goodmorning.” Lexa said sitting at the kitchen bar, even after the past few weeks of being home it was still weird seeing her parents so domestic. She didn’t even know they could cook or do anything for that matter, so it was strange.</p><p>“Excited for your first day back?”</p><p>“I suppose.” Lexa mumbled, picking up a piece of bacon.</p><p>“Well, I’ve talked to the dean and she said that the work you completed during your stay at the center has been graded. Apparently, you’ve done beautifully on it and she assured me your grades weren’t affected by your absence.”</p><p>“You talked to the dean?” Lexa asked surprisingly,</p><p>“Of course, I meant what I said Lexa I’m going to be the best mother I can be in every aspect from now on.” She smiled noticing Lincoln what in.”</p><p>“Goodmorning.” He mumbled going to the fridge,</p><p>“Goodmorning other angel.” Willa smiled, “I was just telling Lexa here that I want to be more involved in both of your lives. Which brings me to my next conversation, girlfriends.”</p><p>“Looks like this conversations for you.” Lexa said to Lincoln preparing to get up,</p><p>“It’s for you too Lexa.” Willa said, “I know this house has been unruly because of me and your father but I don’t want it to be that way anymore. I want some rules and I think that would be a good thing.”</p><p>“Rules?” Lincoln asked,</p><p>“Yes, I know you both have very loving woman in your life and I just want to make sure both of you are being safe.”</p><p>“I don’t have any women in my life.” Lexa said getting a glare from her mom, “Clarke’s not my girlfriend.”</p><p>“She will be once you fix whatever it is you did.” Willa smiled, there was no doubt in her mind Clarke was it for Lexa.</p><p>“If this is a sex talk, I think you’re about four years too late.” Lincoln said trying to hide his smile,</p><p>“Be that as it may I think it’s still important for me to say it.”</p><p>“Use condoms blah, blah, blah, can we eat now?” Lexa said dismissively as she reached for the pancakes.</p><p>“Using condoms is apart, of that yes but if you guys are sleeping with more than one person, I think you need to-.”</p><p>“I’ve been dating Octavia for years; we don’t sleep with other people and we’re safe so mom you don’t have to worry.” Lincoln interrupted,</p><p>“And I don’t sleep with anyone.” Lexa started, “Anymore.”</p><p>“I’m going to be frank with you Lexa, I know your quite the sexually active young woman.” Willa said making Lincoln spit his drink out and Lexa scoff,</p><p>“And what makes you say that?”</p><p>“Besides the fact that I’ve witnessed many girls leaving this apartment over the years?”</p><p>“That’s the past.” Lexa shrugged, were they really having this conversation? “I’ve changed and I don’t sleep around anymore, and I promise when I was, I was safe and got tested often so don’t worry.”</p><p>“That’s responsible of you.” Willa nodded, “So back to the rules I feel like I should be telling you to keep your doors open when you have company and no sleepovers with girlfriends.”</p><p>“That would be ‘responsible’ of you.” Lincoln snickered, “But I’m not going to do that.”</p><p>“I figured as much.” She sighed, “You know it would help if you guys actually listened to me.”</p><p>“But you don’t even care if Clarke and Octavia stay over here so why are you making a rule?”</p><p>“Because I’m trying to be responsible Lincoln!”</p><p>“Well, you’re not doing very well.” He laughed,</p><p>“I know.” She huffed,</p><p>“He’s joking mom you’re doing fine maybe just make rules about something you actually care about.” Lexa suggested,</p><p>“Fine then my first rule is we all have to sit and eat dinner together as a family on Wednesday’s.” she smiled, “Me, both of you, Anya and your father.”</p><p>“What were you saying about the no girls in the room thing?” Lincoln said,</p><p>“That’s void, dinner on Wednesday’s every week.” Willa smiled, “I have a meeting this morning, but I wanted to make you breakfast and see you before you left. Have a good day angels.”</p><p>“This should be fun.” Lexa mumbled,</p><hr/><p>Once Anya was awake and ready, they headed to school which was only up the street from their home. Indra and Nyko had left a few days ago so Anya was a little sad, but they would be back for her birthday in March which was too far away.</p><p>“Did I hear Aunt Wills giving you both the sex talk earlier?” Anya asks as her and Lexa walked into school,</p><p>“Yes, it was as bad as you would expect.” The brunette laughed,</p><p>“And way too late.”</p><p>“Definitely.” Lexa said stopping at her locker that she still after all these stupid years had trouble opening.</p><p>“I’m starting to think lockers hate me.” Lexa mumbled as she fiddled with her combination,</p><p>“Or you just suck at it.” Clarke smiled joining the pair at the locker. “Here let me.”</p><p>“Clarke Griffin always saving the day.” Anya quirked,</p><p>“It’s what I do.” Clarke shrugged, easily twirling in the combination before the lock popped off and the navy locker opened. “Volia!”</p><p>“Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa smiled; she hadn’t seen the blonde since Christmas and even though they texted seeing her in person was a thousand times better.</p><p>“You’re welcome.”</p><p>“I’m going to find Raven, see you both at lunch.” Anya announced before walking off leaving them alone.</p><p>“First day back, how are you feeling?” Clarke asks and Lexa shrugged,</p><p>“Fine, I guess. Mostly I’m just hoping no one asks me any questions.”</p><p>“If they do you don’t have to answer.”</p><p>“I know but it’ll still be awkward.” She sighed reaching into her locker for her books, “How are you?”</p><p>“I’m good.”</p><p>“How are things with Abby?” Lexa asked hesitantly, she didn’t know the status of their relationship so she was unsure if she should ask or not, but she also wanted to know how she was dealing with it.</p><p>“Fine, I guess. She’s been different and I can see she’s attempting to mend things, but it still really weird for me. Even when dad was here, we weren’t close and now I don’t really know what we’re trying to rebuild.”</p><p>“Something new perhaps.”</p><p>“Maybe.” Clarke mumbled biting her lip, “She wants me to have dinner with her and Marcus this weekend, but I don’t really know if I want to… Is that bad?”</p><p>“No, if you’re not ready for something that is 100% ok Clarke.”</p><p>“Ugh, I don’t even know if I’m not ready or if I just don’t want to meet him ever.” She huffed,</p><p>“Well, both of those things are valid.” Lexa smiled, “But if you decide you want to go to dinner and just need some support you can always call me.”</p><p>“You would come with me?” Clarke asks a bit surprised, in the past Abby has been nothing but rude and downright bigoted towards Lexa. The woman never had anything nice to say about her, especially because she was gay and intersex, and Abby was ignorant and intolerable but nothing she ever said upset Lexa- if anything it upset Clarke more. She would fight constantly with her mom just over Lexa to the point where Lexa suggested they just hangout at her penthouse which Clarke agreed to, but it annoyed her that her mom was such a bitch to her.</p><p>“I would do anything for you Clarke.” Lexa said firmly, “If you need me, I’m always here, no matter what.”</p><p>“My mom has been nothing but horrible to you over the years and you would come to a dinner at my house where she will be?” Clarke asks just to confirm that is what Lexa is insinuating.</p><p>“Yes, I wouldn’t be there for Abby I’d be there for you so it wouldn’t matter.” Lexa shrugged; she knew how Abby felt about her but that didn’t change her feelings for Clarke. It never has and it never will. “If you decide to do it and you need me, I’ll be there.”</p><p>“Maybe.” Clarke mumbled, lightly chewing on her bottom lip. “Let’s talk about something else.”</p><p>“Well, I still owe you a movie marathon.” Lexa smiled closing her locker, “If you’re not busy after school you can come over.”</p><p>“As long as I get to choose the movies.” Clarke said a faint smirk on her lips,</p><p>“Of course, Twelve years Clarke I know how things work!”</p><p>“Hey! I let you choose the movies all the time.” The blonde defended but Lexa just laughed, “That one time we watched Jennifer’s Body, you chose that!”</p><p>“You only agreed cause it had Megan Fox in it.” Lexa grinned,</p><p>“Even so, you chose it.” she shrugged, but really who doesn’t love Megan Fox?</p><p>“Either way I don’t mind you choosing as long as we get to spend time together.” Lexa said and Clarke had no clue who to respond,</p><p>Was them spending time together good?</p><p>Lexa could see that maybe she might’ve said the wrong thing, but it was true, she wanted to spend time with Clarke. Just as she was about to say something else a flash a jet-black hair and Marc Jacobs Daisy Love filled her nostrils.</p><p>Ontari.</p><p>She hadn’t seen or talked to the girl since the hospital’s months ago but not for lack of trying. Lexa has called and texted but Ontari was not budging and she wasn’t letting her get away with avoiding her.</p><p>“I have to go but I’ll text you or see you at lunch maybe.” Lexa said to the blonde who just stared before replying.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“Ok, cool.” She smiled before rushing off down the hall and to Ontari’s locker which was not too far from her own.</p><p>The girl looked the same as always, dark eye makeup, berry-colored lips and fishnets under her skirt-- that weren’t allowed but when your family practically funds the school you can do what you want.</p><p>“Ontari.” She said coolly as she leaned on the neighboring lockers.</p><p>“Lexa.” The girl said plainly not even bothering to look her way focusing instead on the contents of her locker.</p><p>“I’ve been calling and texting you for like the past month.” Lexa says annoyed, mostly that even now she wasn’t giving her the time of day.</p><p>“I know, clearly you haven’t gotten the hint that I don’t want to talk to you.”</p><p>“Ok, cut the shit Ontari because I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to work.”</p><p>“Look Lexa you were a good fuck, but you mean nothing more to me than that so fuck off.” Ontari said finally facing Lexa, “And that should be easy now that you got barbie back.”</p><p>“Are you done?” Lexa rolled her eyes, this was classic Ontari Kween push people away by being a bitch, so you don’t have to deal but Lexa wasn’t letting this go.</p><p>“You never fucking stop.” She groaned,</p><p>“It’s consistent.”</p><p>“It’s frustrating.”</p><p>“Are we past the part where you try to get rid of me?” Lexa asks, a small smile on her face but Ontari only rolls her eyes before shutting her locker and facing her.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“Well, I have many questions but mostly what did you to Nia? You said you took care of it, what does that mean?”</p><p>“She won’t be bothering you ever again and that’s all that matters.”</p><p>“Did- you didn’t like-- have her killed, did you?” Lexa asks quietly and Ontari laughed,</p><p>“I wish, she’s very alive. Probably wishing she was dead though.”</p><p>“What did you do Ontari?”</p><p>“I asked my dad for help; he has a special way of punishing members of the Kween family. Trust me.” She sighed, “I’m not going to tell you what, just know that she won’t bother you and she’s not dead.”</p><p>“Fine.” She huffed, but a part of her thinks it’s better if she didn’t know specific details. “What did it cost you, I know Titus didn’t just do you a favor.”</p><p>“Since he lost one of his biggest dealers, he said I had to take her place.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Yeah, but my mom wasn’t going for that, she had another form of torture in mind.” She sighed, “They promptly let me know that I will be marrying some dumbass from some the Russian Mafia. I don’t know but apparently it’s a ‘good investment’ whatever.”</p><p>“A good investment, Tari you’re a fucking person not a pawn!”</p><p>“Want to tell that to Titus and Reigna Kween that?” Ontari sighed, “It honestly doesn’t matter, I accepted my fate long ago.”</p><p>“No.” Lexa shook her head, “I don’t accept that there has to be something we can do.”</p><p>“No, you’re not doing anything.” Ontari said harshly, “I never want to see you around another Azgeda member ever in life Lexa and I mean that. Swear it?”</p><p>“But this is my fault Ontari, all of it-.”</p><p>“It’s really not.” She interrupted, “I have a feeling no matter what this would’ve always been my fate. Plus, Nia was becoming a problem and she needed to go. I’m sorry about what she did—I thought you were dead Lex… when you passed out I-. I’m just glad you’re ok.”</p><p>“Me too.” Lexa smiled grabbing the girl’s hand, “But I’m still not giving up on you, we’ll figure this out.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about me, just worry about you and barbie.” She replied, some semblance of a smirk on her face before she freed her hand from Lexa’s before walking off.</p><p>“I’m not giving up Ontari.” She yelled but the brunette just kept walking leaving Lexa behind in more ways than one.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>School came and went, and Clarke found herself on the way to Lexa’s apartment along with Anya and Raven. She hadn’t seen or talked to Lexa since this morning, but she assumed they were still hanging out, but she decided to send a text just in case.</p><p><strong>Clarke:</strong> Hey, on the way to your house! <em>3:15pm</em></p><p><strong>Lexa:</strong> Totally slipped my mind but I have to run to the center for my weekly drug test! Yay me! Wait for me at my place? <em>3:16pm</em></p><p><strong>Clarke:</strong> Of course. <em>3:17pm</em></p><p><strong>Lexa</strong>: It won’t take long, promise! See you soon. <em>3:18pm</em></p><p>By the time they made it to the penthouse Anya and Raven had disappeared off together leaving Clarke who decided to sit in the living room. She had been to Lexa’s house by herself many times, but she didn’t really know what to do or if she should go to the girl’s room, but she figured the living room was common ground.</p><p>As she waited, she couldn’t help but think about how quickly Lexa had run off to talk to Ontari this morning. She didn’t think it was for romantic reasons, but she couldn’t help but feel put off by a friendship between them. Ontari was not someone she thought Lexa should ever have been around but especially not now when she was trying to stay sober. It didn’t matter if Ontari helped her or wasn’t actively trying to corrupt her—she was still a bad influence and Lexa should steer clear. It also annoyed her that when Lexa need help Ontari was the person she felt she could call. She knew it was because of her family’s connections and not specifically for Ontari but it still hurt.</p><p>“Clarke.” Willa beamed walking into the room, a vase of fresh flowers in her hands. “What a lovely surprise.”</p><p>“Hi Willa.” She smiled back, noting how domestic she looked—which was something she was still getting used to seeing.</p><p>“Here for Lexa, I presume.” The woman smiled while setting the flowers on the coffee table.</p><p>“Yeah, we’re going to watch some movies I’m just waiting for her to get back from the center.”</p><p>“Very well, then I won’t disrupt you Lexa says it’s weird that I hang around, so I’ll leave you to it. “</p><p>“Actually, Willa can I ask you something?” Clarke says causing the woman to stop walking, “It’s very personal and you don’t have to answer I just—more or so need advice.”</p><p>“Of course, sweetie.” The older woman said gently before taking a seat beside her on the couch. “What’s on your mind?”</p><p>“I—have you forgiven Gus for what he did?” Clarke asks watching as the question processes over the question. She wasn’t upset or taken a back, more shocked but it only lasted a minute.</p><p>“I think now that I know more and since we started counselling, yes I have forgiven him.”</p><p>“How did you know? I mean that you forgave him?”</p><p>“Well, for many years I’ve festered with this secret and with these feelings but once I saw what I was doing to my kids I knew I couldn’t hold on to that anymore. And in order to help them I needed to help myself and the first thing I had to do was let go. I’m still very hurt by what Gus did but that doesn’t I can’t forgive him either. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you won’t feel hurt it just means you decided to not let that hurt have a stronghold over your life.”</p><p>“But… how can you trust him?” Clarke mumbled, “How do you know he won’t hurt you again.”</p><p>“I don’t know that.” She said simply, “He could very well hurt me again, but I can’t let that hold me back.”</p><p>“So, then you trust him?”</p><p>“I trust that he has the best intentions for my kids and right now that is enough for me. Whether we will be together in the future I don’t know but I hope we can and maybe he’ll give me a reason to trust him fully again.”</p><p>Willa watched quietly as Clarke took in what she was saying, she had a clue as to why she would be asking these questions, but she didn’t want to push.</p><p>“I don’t know what my daughter did to you Clarke, but forgiveness is earned. There is no time limit or deadline you’ll know when you’ve let it go and you can’t force it. I know it’s unfair of me to say but I can see clear as day how much Lexa loves you. I’ve always seen if even when you two were parading around her as ‘friends.” She smirked, “Whatever it is that broke you two up, you can overcome it— because even now it’s clear you two are still in love. And as your biggest fan I have to say I’m hoping you guys will pull through. You make her better and I think she adds something to you too.”</p><p>Before Clarke could reply the elevator dinged and a few seconds later Lexa appeared in the living room.</p><p>“Oh no, I should’ve known you would ambush her.” Lexa said to her mother who just smiled,</p><p>“Actually, I asked her to stay.” Clarke butted in,</p><p>“Oh.” Lexa said suspiciously, “And what are we talking about?”</p><p>“We are talking about nothing.” Willa said before standing, “As for me and Clarke’s conversation that is none of your business.  You two have fun watching movies.” She smiled before disappearing into another room.</p><p> “Having secret conversations with my mother now?” Lexa teased but the blonde shrugged,</p><p>“She may just be my new best friend.”</p><p>“Replacing me with my mother, ouch.” Lexa faked hurt, “You wouldn’t like her as a best friend, she won’t let you pick the movie—she’s very picky.”</p><p>“I might have to reevaluate then.” Clarke smiled, “Are we staying in here?”</p><p>“We could go to my room.” Lexa said before adding, “But if you prefer here then that’s ok too.”</p><p>“You’re room is fine.” Clarke stood making her way down the hall, Lexa following close behind.</p><p>When they arrived in the room Clarke took her boots off before laying on the bed as Lexa turned on her flat screen and directed it to Netflix.</p><p>“Here you go princess.” Lexa smiled handing her the remote and Clarke couldn’t help but blush—it had been a while since she heard Lexa call her that.</p><p>After scrolling on Netflix for way too long she finally decided on Clueless, mostly because she was tired of looking but also it was a classic.</p><p>Once the movie started Clarke watched out of the corner of her eyes as Lexa settle into the other side of the bed. They weren’t touching- a small pillow separated them, but she couldn’t help but wish it wasn’t there.</p><p>Forty minutes in and she was sure she hadn’t watched a single minute of the movie since it started. It wasn’t like she was purposefully tunning it out- on the contrary. She wanted to watch but her thoughts wouldn’t shut up and she could think about was Lexa. <em>Damn her….</em></p><p>“Can I ask you something?” Clarke said, her eyes still trained on the screen ahead,</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“Why did you say Ontari cheated on you?” the question was random, but it was one of the thoughts she’s had since that night months ago they placed never have I ever. “Or did she and she just lied during the game.”</p><p>“No.” Lexa sighed turning to face the blonde, “She never cheated on me—not really. When we were together it was a very open relationship, I guess you could say.”</p><p>“Then why did you tell me she did?” Clarke asks finally facing her,</p><p>“Because at the time it was better than the truth and you kept asking why we broke up and I didn’t want to tell you the truth.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because we broke up because I was in love with you.” Lexa admitted and Clarke felt like she couldn’t move. “To be fair Ontari knew that the whole time we were together, and she didn’t care. It wasn’t until she wanted something more from me that it bothered her because I told her I would never be able to love her or anyone really.”</p><p>“Why did you say that?” Clarke asked, her voice breaking.</p><p>“Because it’s true, but back then we were content on never admitting our feelings out loud to each other even though we both knew them. So, when you asked why we broke her cheating on me was just the first thing I thought of. But I guess that didn’t matter since a few months later we got together anyways. Why do you asks this now?”</p><p>Clarke huffed turning back towards the movie,</p><p>“I just don’t understand this friendship you have with her now, it seems not good.”</p><p>“Ontari is not what everyone thinks, how people see her is how she wants you to think of her. She wants people to think she’s a bitch and mean and unapproachable but in reality, she has a different side. Back then I didn’t see that as much but now I do, and she helped me, and I don’t want to turn my back on her.”</p><p>“Even if it gets you involved in bad things?”</p><p>“The only thing I want to do for Ontari is, be there for her and I want her to know that. I’m not going to be hanging out with her at the ark or at parties I really just want to be friend she needs.”</p><p>Clarke nodded slowly before turning back to the tv, Lexa’s words seemed honorable, but she was still weary of Ontari and she probably always would be.</p><p>“Can I ask you something now?” Lexa asks a minute later causing the blonde to turn back towards her and nod, “Over the years I’ve been a mess, I’ve been drugged up to the point I can walk and drunk to the point where I don’t know where I am. But never once have you judged me, why?”</p><p>“Easy, because I love you.” Clarke replied, “It didn’t matter if you passed out in bed or if I was cleaning vomit from my floors. I know every part of you Lexa and it never mattered, did I want you to live like that? Of course not, but I didn’t know how to help you and all I could do was be there and so I was.”</p><p>“It did help.” Lexa whispered, “You being there, It helped.”</p><p>“I’m just glad I get to be here to see you being better.” She smiled,</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>Every moment, every time they even made the faintest connection Clarke could feel herself being pulled back in to Lexa Fox’s gravity. Like now all she could focus on was that stupid pillow separating them and how she wanted to throw it off the fucking balcony.</p><p>How soft and gentle those plump delicious lips that she loved so much looked so inviting and she wanted nothing more than to fell them on her. Feel them kissing every pulse point and sweet spot she had. She wanted to--.</p><p>“Clarke.” She heard Lexa say and that was when she realized the pillow had been pushed aside and her lips were now hovering Lexa’s and she had no clue how they got there.</p><p>“I-.”</p><p>“It’s fi-.”</p><p>“I have to go.” Clarke jumped up, practically running to her boots,</p><p>“Clarke you don’t have to leave.” Lexa said following her, but Clarke needed to go she needed to get out.</p><p>“I’m sorry I totally forgot that I promised O I would meet her for dinner today.” Clarke said turning back to the brunette, “It’s getting late I should call her.”</p><p>Lexa nodded deciding not to fight her—even when she knew for a fact Lincoln and Octavia were traveling to Brooklyn tonight for hockey game. Clearly Clarke needed the space, and she didn’t know what else to do other than to give it to her.</p><p>“I’ll see you at school.” The blonde offered before rushing out of the room leaving Lexa and the barley half watch Clueless behind.</p><p>For what seemed like minutes Lexa stood in the same spot wondering what hell just happened. Obviously, Clarke was about to kiss her— but then she rushed out with a lie and now she didn’t know what to do. Should she text later or call? Maybe neither. Everything was confusing.</p><p>Finally, she managed to get her feet moving all the way to the kitchen where her mother was pouring herself a drink.</p><p>“I ran into Clarke a minute ago.” Willa stated, “Literally ran into her, is everything ok?”</p><p>“Everything sucks.”</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“No.” Lexa replied,</p><p>“Well then how about a distraction.” Willa smiled, “I was going to do this with you tomorrow but since you’re free and it’s still early we can do it today.”</p><p>“I don’t know…” Lexa sighed; a night of wallowing seemed the way to go.</p><p>“It will take an hour max and we’ll get dinner since Lincoln and your father are out tonight.”</p><p>Lexa wanted to decline but wallowing wasn’t exactly what she needed so she agreed.</p><p>Soon they were on the streets of New York which were busy since everyone was getting off of work at this time. She had no clue where her mom was taking her, and she didn’t ask but when they reached the courthouse, she grew even more confused.</p><p>“Ok, what are we doing here?” Lexa asked,</p><p>“Well, I know you are 18 not and you could do this on your own, but I wanted to do this for you. So, a few weeks ago I filled out a petition for a name change and it was approved.” Willa smiled, “All you have to do is pick up the papers.”</p><p>“You did that?” Lexa whispered not really being able to say much more,</p><p>“Lexa is the name you feel most comfortable in and I want you to be able to have it on all your legal documents. Alexena is a beautiful name but so is Lexa and I love you either way.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Lexa smiled wrapping her arms around the woman.</p><p>Changing her name was something she planned on doing since she was young but her mom making the gesture means everything.</p><p>“I’ll wait here and call us in a reservation at Nobu, just ask for Jaha and he’ll guide you from there.”</p><p>“Ok.” Lexa nodded a permanent smile on her face, she couldn’t believe this was real. Although her name was Lexa now it was really Lexa and she couldn’t have been happier.</p><p>Once she was inside and in Jaha’s office with the papers in her hand everything felt right- well accept one thing.</p><p>“Is everything ok? Is there a mistake?” Mr. Jaha asked,</p><p>“Is it too late to make a change?" </p><hr/><p>Thirty minutes later Lexa walked out of the courthouse empty handed to Willa’s confusion, but a smile still plastered on the younger girl’s face.</p><p>“What happened, he told me the papers would be ready?”</p><p>“They were but there was mistake.” Lexa smiled,</p><p>“But- I filled out everything- let me go talk to him.”</p><p>“No mom, you did everything perfect, but I decided to change something.” She said and Willa was still lost, “I know that me and Lincoln were name after your grandparents and although Alexander doesn’t fit me, I decided Alexandria did so I asked Jaha to redo the papers which he said shouldn’t be an issue.”</p><p>“Lexa, you didn’t have to do that honey.”</p><p>“I wanted to, I know those names meant a lot to you and I want my name to reflect that. I still want to go by Lexa but legally I’ll be Alexandria Fox, which sounds pretty good.”</p><p>Willa was on the verge of tears at her daughter’s thoughtfulness, but she still wanted to make sure this is what she wanted.</p><p>“Don’t do this just for me honey, and please don’t feel like you need too I promise I’m fine with whatever you want.”</p><p>“Alexandria is what I want, I promise.” Lexa smiled, “Do you like it?”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>“good, now lets go eat I’m starving.”</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="http://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My Tumblr🖤</a>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi guys i hope you're doing well! ive been working on my other story for a few days but i missed this one so i thought i'd give it an update! I really hoped you guys are doing well and if you're not i feel you but things will get better!!! (That's what they say at least;) )<br/>I’ve been making mood boards for my stories lately, they’re not very good but it’s fun and it’s something to do. I’m not working atm so I need something to fill my time so I don’t feel like a complete failure at life so why not? </p><p>Anyways thank u as always for reading and feedback is wanted and welcomed! 🤍🤍🤍</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. The Change</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for mistakes i am a flawed individual!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>
    <em>I've made up my mind</em>
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    <em>Don't need to think it over</em>
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    <em>If I'm wrong I am right</em>
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    <em>Don't need to look no further</em>
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  <strong>
    <em>This ain't lust</em>
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    <em>I know this is love- Chasing Pavements by Adele</em>
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</p><hr/><p>A week had passed since Lexa had invited Clarke over to watch a movie and the two had yet to talk. Lexa had texted a few times and even attempted to talk with the blonde at school, but it got to the point where she felt like giving her space seemed like the better option. It wasn’t that Clarke was avoiding her but anytime they were around each other the blonde was extremely quiet and kept to herself.</p><p>Lexa couldn’t help but feel like she did something wrong, but she didn’t know what, maybe it was because she pulled back from the kiss. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to kiss Clarke, but it would only complicate things if they had.</p><p>She could always confront the girl but that didn’t seem like a good idea, <em>nothing seemed like a good idea.</em> And because Lexa was the reason, they were in this situation she felt like she couldn’t make a move without messing it up further. She was trying to make things better but apparently; she was failing at that hard.</p><p>And now here they were at lunch surrounded by their friends who were laughing and joking but Lexa wasn’t any of those things. If anything, she was confused and annoyed, but did she have the right to be?</p><p>“You ok?” Raven whispered to the brunette who nodded,</p><p>“Fine.” She offered before reaching in her bag for her headphones, “I’m actually going to go, I have test next period so I should look over my notes.”</p><p>She stood from the table grabbing her bag seeing Clarke give her a look, but she ignored it and started her journey to the front stairs—somewhere she used to spend a lot of her time. Granted back then it was for nefarious reasons or probably to make out with some girl- but today it was all innocent.</p><p>It was freezing outside but Lexa didn’t care as she sat on the cold stair, headphones in her ear and her notebook out since she really did have a test next period. It was in English which was her favorite subject so she wasn’t worried but a quick brush up wouldn’t hurt.</p><p>“Lexa Fox.”</p><p>
  <em>God not now...</em>
</p><p>For the better part of her return Lexa had been able to avoid Luna Atwater—with the exception of the day at the bookstore and she hoped that would last but apparently today was not her day.</p><p>“Luna, a pleasure.” She said not even taking her eyes off of her notebook.</p><p>“I see you’ve managed to get Clarke back In your grasps.” The girl said, rather bitterly causing Lexa to look up at her.</p><p>Her and Luna’s rivalry is one that’s been going in for years, if Lexa got a B Luna bad to have an A. For a while it was entertaining for Lexa but over the years, she had actually grown tired of their little game.</p><p>In all honesty she had no clue why Luna didn’t like her, and she never really asked, Luna would make it seem like she was disliked because she wasn’t as financially secure as the rest of them or because she went to Polis on scholarship but that was never the case for Lexa. It didn’t matter if Luna was rich or not, for some reason she just didn’t like Lexa and it started their ‘feud’.</p><p>“I don’t have anyone in my grasp, Clarke can do whatever she wants.” Lexa finally said, she still didn’t know what exactly went on with these two, but she was curious. “How do you even know Clarke?”</p><p>“We’ve all went to school together for years Lexa.” The girl scoffed,</p><p>“Yeah, but you never talked to her before and then when I leave you magically want to be friends with her.”</p><p>“She needed a friend, and I was there for her.” She smiled, but Lexa saw passed it.</p><p>“Don’t pretend you care for Clarke we both know you only approached her as a way to get to me because for some reason you hate me.”</p><p>“Please Lexa you give yourself way too much credit.” Luna said rolling her eyes,</p><p>“The first day I came back to town you could wait to tell me you were dating her, what happened to that anyways.”</p><p>“You happened, what did you say to her?”</p><p>“Me and Clarke aren’t together, she’s free to date who she wants I’m guessing she just didn’t want you.” Lexa said standing and walking over to the girl, “I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing but leave Clarke out of it. She’s not a pawn you can use to make me mad or feel like you won. She’s a person and she deserves more than that.”</p><p>“I actually like Clarke, it’s your fault that she’s not talking to me!”</p><p>“Like I said, Clarke can do what she wants Luna I’m not in control of her.” Lexa replied, maybe she did actually like Clarke but that had nothing to do with her—no matter how much she didn’t like it. “This was fun, but I have to go.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>The past week had been a long one for Clarke, after her almost kiss with Lexa she realized she had so much shit to figure out and she needed time to do it. Especially after her talk with Willa which did help, it helped her realize so many things that have been in her face the whole time.</p><p>Ever since Lexa came back to town, she felt like she needed to be angry with her and for good reason but even after months of her being around she still felt like that.</p><p>Lexa gave her an explanation and she understood and even though in that moment she wanted nothing more than to run into her arms and stay there forever and she felt like she couldn’t. She felt like she needed to be mad for longer or that she would be forgiving Lexa too easily if she just jumped back into a relationship with her.</p><p>A month later and it feels like she’s just holding onto the pain of it all, unnecessarily.</p><p>But she was learning that trying to hold on to her anger was only hurting her more especially when her and Lexa would have a moment and she would run.</p><p>But what she really had to figure out was if she was truly angry anymore. Was her anger real or something she was telling herself she had to feel because what Lexa did hurt her?</p><p>And honestly, she wasn’t angry, it hurt but what was hurting her more was forcing herself to hold back with Lexa. What hurt more was walking beside her and not being able to hold her hand or kiss her goodbye before class or lay in her arms when they watched a movie.</p><p>All of that combined hurt more than her leaving because she was back now and really trying to be better and that is all Clarke had ever wanted for her. The Lexa that she’s seeing is the Lexa she dreamed she would always get to see one day and now she was so what was holding her back?</p><p>The silly convention that forgiveness isn’t instant, or that taking time was the right thing to do? The feeling that people would think she forgave her too easily after how bad she hurt her? Well, none of that mattered, not anymore and she knew what she needed to do.</p><p>Today would be the day that she got what she wanted, that she chose what she felt was right for her and not what others would think was right. Today was the day she would let the past stop controlling her but first….. she had an appointment.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>It was after school and Lexa had hauled herself in her room, she had a billion pages of homework to complete and problems to forget. Her parents were out for the night and so were Lincoln out leaving only her and Anya.</p><p>Even with her billion things to do and limited time to do them she still couldn’t get out of her own head. She needed to talk to someone and usually her go to was Raven, but she was busy, so she went to the only person who wasn’t.</p><p>“Hey.” She said with a light knock,</p><p>“My beautiful cousin, to what do I owe the pleasure.” Anya smiled not bothering to take her eyes off of her several dresses she seemed to be sorting through.</p><p>“I need your help.” Lexa sighed slumping down on the girls bed,</p><p>“Are you ok?” Anya asked throwing her clothes aside and turning to the girl,</p><p>“It’s about Clarke, I don’t know what to do An.”</p><p>“Ok, what happened?”</p><p>“I don’t know, I mean I thought everything was going well. We had been hanging out and I thought I was doing everything right but then last week we were watching a movie and talking, and she was going to kiss me, and I pulled away and she ran, and we haven’t really talked since.”</p><p>“You didn’t want to kiss her?”</p><p>“Of course, I wanted to kiss her Anya but that would just blur lines and I don’t want to do that.” She huffed sinking into the bed further,</p><p>“Ok then just talk to her about it.”</p><p>“Can I do that?” Lexa asked insecurely and Anya looked at her wildly, “I just—I feel like since I’m the one who messed up, I can’t push her or even afford to risk making a mistake.”</p><p>“Oh Lex.” Anya sighed, “You messed up but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be upset about something to. If Clarke avoiding you hurts and you want to ask her about it then you’re allowed to do that.”</p><p>“So, then I should call her.”</p><p>“You should.” Anya nodded, “And while you do that, I’m going to order dinner, I’m thinking Chinese.”</p><p>“Get my usual.” Lexa said before running off to her room and grabbing her phone, to her surprise she had a text from none other than Clarke.</p><p><strong><em>CLARKE:</em></strong> Can we talk? <em>5:40pm</em></p><p> That was ten minutes ago, was Clarke reading her mind?</p><p>Wait was Clarke about to tell her she’s done with her and doesn’t even want to be friends? Maybe the blonde had spent the last week figuring out that Lexa’s not worth her time. Or that their relationship isn’t worth it wanting or fixing.</p><p>What if it’s over….. like really over and this is Clarke wanting to officially announce that.</p><p>Ok, no!</p><p>She couldn’t over think it she just had to wait and here what the blonde had to say and not jump to conclusions.</p><p>
  <em>Even if there was a possibility, she was about to break her heart in a million itty bitty pieces! </em>
</p><p><strong><em>LEXA:</em></strong> Me and Anya just ordered food, come over? <em>5:55pm</em></p><p><strong><em>Clarke:</em></strong> On my way. <em>5:56pm</em></p><p>
  <em>She didn’t even say ‘on my way!’ she said, ‘on my way.’ The period sets the mood, if she was excited or this was a happy conversation there would’ve been an exclamation point instead……. Right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ok, no! Once again not overthinking. </em>
</p><p>She needed a distraction, so she quickly told Anya to add Clarke’s favorite ‘Sweet and sour chicken with white rice’ to the order before running back to her room and cleaning it.</p><p>Truthfully, it wasn’t dirty but if there was a loose thread in the carpet or a crooked picture frame on the wall, she fixed it. It got to the point where she decided to color coordinate her bookshelf just because!</p><p>An undetermined amount of time passed when she heard the elevator ding and her heart dropped. She knew it wasn’t the food because halfway through the color blue Anya knocked and told her it was here, so she knew it had to be Clarke.</p><p>Quickly she looked down at herself realizing she was in sweatpants and stupid crop top! She looked sluggish but there was no time to change—wait what is happening? Clarke could care less about what she wears, and she’s seen her in worse—and nothing at all!</p><p>And it was too late..</p><p>“Lex?”</p><p>“Come in.” Lexa yelled placing the last black book on the shelf as she heard the door opening, “Sorry my rooms kind of a mess.”</p><p>“It looks really clean actually.”</p><p>“Right.” Lexa mumbled to herself before turning around to face the impending future and upon seeing the blonde she couldn’t help but gasp.</p><p>“Oh no, you hate it?” Clarke asked insecurely as she clutch her newly chopped off hair. She had never in her life had short hair, but she needed a change, so she thought ‘why not?’.</p><p>“What, no!” Lexa yelled, “No, I love it! I was just surprised I wasn’t expecting it is all, but it looks really good!”</p><p>“It’s really short but I think I like it.” she smiled, “I’m glad you like it though.”</p><p>“You’d look good with any hairstyle Clarke.” She replied watching the girl blush, but she couldn’t even gush at how adorable it was because she still didn’t know why she was here. “I ah—do you want to eat? I got your favorite.”</p><p>“Yeah, ok.” Clarke nodded and Lexa took the opportunity to lead the way to the dining room where the food awaited.</p><p>Quietly she grabbed some plates and a couple drinks from the kitchen before returning to the dining room where Clarke awaited. She plated the food and silently they sat and ate.</p><p>“Where’s Anya?” Clarke asked, as she dipped her chicken in the sauce.</p><p>“In her room, she’s watching some fashion show live on her computer and she asked not to be disturbed even in life-or-death situations.”</p><p>“She’s very dramatic.” Clarke laughed,</p><p>“You have no clue.” Lexa murmured,</p><p>The next ten minutes they ate in dead silence mostly due to Lexa’s nervousness to open her mouth but also because Clarke hadn’t made a move to say anything either. If this was some sort of breakup then she was cruelly dragging it out.</p><p>“Us sitting here like this reminds me of the day we started dating.” Clarke finally said, a small smile on her face. “You were nervous then too and I said, ‘Seeing you be nervous around me has been quite entertaining.’.”</p><p>“And then you foiled my plan to let you go and move on to date some rich doctor who could give you a better life than me.” Lexa said, “You probably should’ve, you’d be better off.”</p><p>“Sounds intriguing.” Clarke teased,</p><p>“It’s still an option.” Lexa mumbled staring down at her plate,</p><p>“Why are you nervous this time then?” Clarke asked ignoring the girls comment,</p><p>“Because you’ve been avoiding me all week and then you text to talk and that’s scary.” Lexa admits as she watched her word wash over the blonde.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I—I wasn’t avoiding you to upset you I just needed time to think about everything…. About us.”</p><p>This was it…. Lexa thought,</p><p>“Ever since the cabin where you told me the truth, I’ve had this internal struggle—I’ve had it even before you told me honestly. This whole time I’ve been putting a time limit on when I’m supposed to forgive you instead actually trying to. I’ve been so wrapped up in all these feelings and forcing myself to feel one way when honestly I just want to be with you.” Clarke said with a sigh, it wasn’t an exhausted sigh or an annoyed sigh but more one of relief. Relief that she was finally saying these thoughts out loud and to the person who needed to hear them most.</p><p>“What- I don’t—what are you saying?” Lexa whispered not completely sure if she’s misreading the conversation.</p><p>“I’m saying that you’ve made mistakes and those mistakes hurt me, but I love you Lexa, I can never stop loving you and it’s why it’s so easy for me to forgive you. It’s why I avoided you when you came back because I knew I would just forgive you but now I see you actually trying to fix your mistakes and be honest with me and I need to be honest with you and with myself.” “When I was avoiding you the past week, I realized I was holding on to that anger because I’m scared you’ll hurt me again and it’ll be the kind of hurt I can’t come back from and I can’t fathom that. But I also can’t fathom not being with you, so I want to take that risk, I want to trust you but most of if there’s anything I want you to know it’s that I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving, for all of it because I know you weren’t in a good place and you’re working so hard now to be and I’m proud of you for that.”</p><p>“You—you forgive me?” Lexa hesitated as she stared into those blue eyes she knew and loved and even though she was asking she felt like she could see it—like she could physically see in her eyes that she had in fact forgiven her.</p><p>“Yes Lexa.” She smiled grabbing her hand, “I forgive you; and I know it won’t be instant, but I just really want to get back to us.”</p><p>“You—this is you wanting to get back together with me? Like as girlfriends and not as an ‘I forgive you, but I just want to be friends.’?”</p><p>Clarke only smiled before walking over to the girl and sitting in her lap—much like the first time they were having this sort of talk two years ago when their relationship had just started.</p><p>“No matter what you’ll always be my best friend, but I love you and I want you to be my girlfriend.”</p><p>Ok… ok, ok, ok, this was actually happening right now. Clarke was in front of her on her lap, her arms around her neck wanting to get back together.</p><p>This isn’t what she expected, this isn’t what she thought would be happening at all, but it was, and she couldn’t even talk. Her vocals weren’t working so she did what she did the last time and that was talk with her lips.</p><p>As soon as the blonde’s lips touched hers, her whole body felt right—like this was the moment she had been waiting for and it was finally happening. This wasn’t like the kisses at the cabin, this one felt more real. It felt like she was home, permanently this time and she would make sure it was never ending this time.</p><p>“I promise Clarke, I will never ever hurt you again in my life.” Lexa vowed, “I won’t mess this up I swear, and I’ll prove it.”</p><p>“I know you will.” Clarke smiled pulling the girl back in this time for a longer kiss, a heated kiss—one that craved more than just a simple peck, no they were way passed that. Both of them needed more and they didn’t have to hold back this time.</p><p>“Sorry to interrupt.” A voice filled the room causing both girls to pull away, spotting a very smug Willa in the doorframe. “Just thought I’d let you know we’re home.”</p><p>“I see that.” Lexa said with a pointed go away look,</p><p>“Might I suggest you two make out not at our dinner table where we eat together every Wednesday night, Clarke you must join us since it seems you’ll be around more… hopefully.” The woman smirked, and Clarke couldn’t help but laugh and quietly accept her offer.</p><p>“This is the part where I tell you how embarrassed I am, and I whisk you off to my room and away from my mother’s creepiness.”</p><p>“I am not creepy!”</p><p>“Whisk away Casanova.” The blonde grinned as Lexa stood up steadily carrying the giggling blonde away hearing her mother joking yell something about keeping the door open. Which there was no way in hell she would be doing that, she finally got her princess back it would be only fair to show her just how much she missed her—and she would all night………</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="http://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My Tumblr❤</a>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So yeah..... they're back bitches???? It wont be easy and I did promise drama.......😉 I struggled with capturing Clarke’s feelings here but I will discuss them further soon!</p><p>Also i feel like i need to explain-- this story is mostly Lexa's perspective but i will show more of Clarke and her life in future chapters promise!<br/>Thank you for reading i 🖤u and feedback is always wanted and welcome!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. First Date.... Kind of</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for mistakes..</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>
    <em>Your love is deadly.</em>
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    <em>Tell me life is beautiful,</em>
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    <em>They all think I have it all.</em>
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  <strong>
    <em>I've nothing without you.</em>
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    <em>All my dreams and all the lights mean</em>
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    <em>Nothing without you.- Without You by Lana Del Rey</em>
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</p><hr/><p>The next morning Clarke woke up with warm tan arms wrapped tightly around her waist and she never felt happier in her life. She knew this is where she belonged, and she wanted to stay there forever.</p><p>When she decided she was going to speak with Lexa not one bone in her body was nervous. This decision was right for her and she knew it and being here now on a Saturday morning in the love of her life’s arms only solidified that.</p><p>She had no clue what time it was, but she figured it was still early so she tried her hardest not to wake Lexa. As she laid, she couldn’t help but think about last night and how amazingly incredible it was.</p><p>Of course, she knew Lexa was amazing lover- <em>from experience</em> but last night was more than anything she’s ever felt in the best way possible. Even thinking about it now she could feel wetness between her legs. It didn’t help having Lexa’s morning surprise poking at her thinly covered ass. All that was separating them was a baggy t-shirt she threw on before drifting off to sleep. She knew she should probably leave well enough alone but being a tease sounded so much better.</p><p>After clicking her phone on the nightstand and seeing it was 9am she figured Lexa had slept enough. Slowly she turned around, so she was facing the girl who looked incredibly adorable with her crazy curls sprayed all over the place.</p><p>Lexa had forgone clothes only loose boxers that left nothing to the imagination. Clarke carefully started peppering kisses down the girls exposed chest while one of her hands made its way to the hard length that’s been poking at her all morning giving it a light squeeze before slowly stroking it causing the brunette to squirm.</p><p>“Good morning baby.” Clarke whispered placing a soft kiss on the girl’s lips who smiled into it,</p><p>“Is this a dream?” Lexa murmured her eyes fluttering open,</p><p>“I don’t know what do you think?” Clarke smiled, speeding up the motion of her hand making the girl moan,</p><p>“Feels like a dream.” She muttered between soft moans, “I thought I would wake up and yesterday would’ve been some cruel hallucination I conjured up.”</p><p>Clarke stopped her motions moving to straddle the girl and grabbing her face so that those big green eyes were staring back into her blue ones.</p><p>“Yesterday was very real.” She replied before giving her a soft kiss before pulling back,</p><p>“So, then you’re really mine?”</p><p>“I’m all yours, honestly I don’t think I ever stopped being yours.”</p><p>Lexa’s smile grew at that reply, she pulled the blonde back to down as their warm lips collided. She couldn’t believe this was happening, even if she hoped Clarke would forgive her one day, in the back of her mind she knew there was a possibility that maybe she never would. <em>Except she did</em>, Clarke forgave her, and they made love to each other in the most amazing, passionate, loving way all night and she couldn’t be happier.</p><p>“I haven’t even touched you and you’re dripping.” Lexa whispered placing small pecks on the girl’s jaw and neck. She could feel Clarke bare wetness rubbing against her stomach as she straddled her, and it was only making her even more impossibly hard.</p><p>“Well, I may have spent my morning fantasizing about how well you fucked me last night.” She smirked,</p><p>“I prefer we use making love to describe last night’s activities.” Lexa teased grabbing the girl’s hips rocking them lightly against her abs, “But since you decided to wake me up in such a pleasing way how about I fuck so well you forget your name since that’s clearly what you want.”</p><p>“Mhm, yes please.” Clarke moaned feeling long fingers running through her folds, “and no teasing.”</p><p>“Of course, baby.” Lexa whispered removing her fingers and licking the sticky wetness clean before removing the shirt from the blonde’s body revealing her huge, beautiful chest. God, she loved this chest, every single thing about it from the perkiness and the size to the dusty pink color of her nipples, Clarke’s boobs were amazing, and they never failed to amaze her.</p><p>“Did you miss them?” Clarke asked with a husky voice as her own hands squeezed and teased her nipples practically causing the brunette to drool.</p><p>“Yes.” Lexa barely managed as she watched the blonde’s actions,</p><p>“They missed you too baby, so much.” She moaned pinching one of nipples as she rode the girls stomach looking for any sort of relief, “Are you going to fuck me or am I going to have to do this myself.”</p><p>“Fuck….” She muttered before sitting up against the headboard—Clarke still straddling her, she grabbed her rock-hard length easily sliding it through her wetness.</p><p>“I missed you so much.” Clarke breathed planting soft kisses down the brunette’s neck.</p><p>“Tell me what you missed.” Lexa husked, her head poking the girl’s entrance,</p><p>“I missed your warm mouth all over my body.” She replied pushing herself down so that the head was inside causing both of them to moan.</p><p>“What else?”</p><p>“I missed feeling how amazing you fill me up.”</p><p>Moans filled the room as Clarke sunk down on the rest of her length until there was nothing left and all she could feel was warm tight walls surrounding her.</p><p>Lexa started to move before feeling a hand on her chest stopping her,</p><p>“I just need a minute.” Clarke breathed into her neck as she allowed herself to adjust around the girl’s huge length. Even after dating and having sex so much she could never get used to the size. She never admitted this to Lexa but the first time they had sex she was scared she couldn’t take it, but that fear faded quickly and all that was left was pleasure. Midway through her thoughts she felt the brunette gently rubbing her clit causing her to yelp. “Fuckkk, ok you can move now.”</p><p>Lexa wasted no time thrusting her hips into the blonde- slowly at first as her hand still rubbing her clit before she pulled away and begun setting a brutal pace. <em>After all she did promise to fuck to her until she forgot her name….</em></p><p>“Fuck! Just like that baby.” Clarke moaned arching her into every thrust and movement,</p><p>“You love when I fuck you this hard don’t you.” Lexa growled grabbing the newly short blonde hair and forcing her to look at her and Lexa was sure she could cum just from the look the girl was giving her,</p><p>“Yes!” Clarke screamed feeling Lexa pound harder and faster into her, “I love it so much!”</p><p>“Are you still my little slut baby girl?” she asks as she sped up her hips,</p><p>“Fuck yes, baby I’m your little slut.” Rough sex was something Clarke enjoyed very much. It’s obviously no secret Lexa was very sexually active in the past, but Clarke had her fair share of one night stands too. Granted not as many as Lexa and most of them were to get over Lexa but it didn’t stick. But during those times it did help her figure out what she liked in the bedroom and even though she was nervous to share some of the things she liked with Lexa the brunette was very supporting. If Clarke wanted to try something they would, for them it was about comfort, if there was no comfort there could be no pleasure and Clarke found immense pleasure knowing she was Lexa’s little slut.</p><p>“Good.” Lexa husked before her mouth engulfed one of the blonde’s stiff nipples, lightly raking it with her teeth causing the blonde to stiff and Lexa knew she was close.</p><p>“Lex-.”</p><p>“It’s ok baby, cum for me.” Lexa cooed as the blonde slumped into her arms hiding her face in the girl’s neck before Lexa set a vicious pace, slamming as hard as humanly possibly into the girl’s tight entrance. “Fuck baby, your squeezing me so fucking good right now.”</p><p>“Fuck I’m cumming Lex.” She whined feeling her walls fluttering deliciously as Lexa rutted into her with no mercy. Last night was amazing but this… This release was intense and blinding in a way she never knew possible, and she didn’t want it to end—and lucky for her Lexa showed no sign of slowing down.</p><p>Grunts and wet slaps filled the room as Lexa continued rutting into the blonde drenched center,</p><p>“Fuck, fuck, fuck,.” The brunette grunted wrapping her arms around the blonde pulling her impossibly closer, “God baby I’m going to cum.”</p><p>“Fill me up baby, I need you.”</p><p>"Fuuckkkk," Lexa groans as she started to release deep into Clarke's fluttering heat, clenching, and milking every last drop, before finally there as nothing more to give.</p><p>Lexa’s thrust slowed as they both rode out their highs before resting in each other’s arms not even bothering to pull out or even change positions.</p><p>It was another couple minutes of hard breathing and gentle kisses before Clarke finally spoke,</p><p>“That was amazing.”</p><p>“It was.” Lexa agreed, softly stroking the girls back, “I love you, Clarke.”</p><p>“I love you too.” She smiled pulling away from the girl’s neck seeing the vulnerable look on the brunette’s face. It was raw and real and even though they’ve exchanged a million I love you’s before this one was different. It held unsaid promises and the start of something knew because this was them starting over—starting fresh.</p><p>Before either girl could say anything there was a light knock on the door ruining the small moment,</p><p>“Breakfast is in thirty minutes!” they heard Willa say,</p><p>“So weird to hear her say that.” Clarke whispered with a laugh, two years ago Willa probably wouldn’t have even been in the house let alone readying breakfast.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Lexa?”</p><p>“I heard you, go away!” She yelled back getting pinch from Clarke, “Ow!”</p><p>“Ok.” They heard the woman say before walking off,</p><p>“You didn’t have to talk to her like that.” Clarke scolded,</p><p>“She’s fine.” Lexa defended, “Now are you done scolding me so we can go take a shower.”</p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes before slowly pulling herself off the brunette and walking into the bathroom where the huge walk-in shower awaited.</p><p>She turned on the water to her liking before stepping in, she always loved Lexa’s shower. Not only was it huge but it also had a rainfall shower head mounted on the ceiling which was perfect.</p><p>A soft moan filled the room as the water hit her skin, she didn’t even have to turn around to know Lexa was watching her. She grabbed the nearest bodywash which was obviously something floral since her girlfriend seemed to be obsessed with flowers. Once the liquid was in her hands, she washed over her body making sure to be as seductive as she could muster,</p><p>“You’re being a creep.” She finally said, not bothering to turn around.</p><p>“I’m enjoying the show.” Lexa corrected joining her in the shower wrapping her hands around the blonde’s waist.</p><p>“Someone’s already excited again.” She mumbled feeling Lexa’s hardness rubbing against her ass.</p><p>“Can you really blame me when my girlfriend looks like this.” She smiled, palming the girl’s wet breasts, and pushing onto to her.</p><p>“Mhm, say that again.”</p><p>“What?” Lexa teased, “My girlfriend?”</p><p>“That’s me.” Clarke smiled leaning into her touch.</p><p>“Yes, it is baby.”</p><p>“Too bad we don’t have time to deal with your little situation.”</p><p>“We can make time.”</p><p>“Mhm, I’ll think about it.” Clarke smirked removing the brunette’s hands before grabbing the shampoo, “If you’re a good girl I might help you out with that.”</p><p>Lexa complied grabbing the shampoo before lathering it into the short blonde locks.</p><p>“That feels amazing baby.” Clarke moaned dramatically as the girl massaged her scalp.</p><p>“Really Clarke?” She groaned, washing the soap out of her hair.</p><p>“What?” she asks smugly, “Your fingers are magical baby I can’t help it.”</p><p>“I’m sure.” Lexa mumbled before starting on the conditioner, by the time she massaged and rinsed out that out the blonde’s moans had become painfully obscene like she had just experienced the best orgasm of her life. “There finished.”</p><p>“Thank you, baby.” Clarke turned around giving the girl a kiss, “Your turn.”</p><p>Clarke washed the brunette’s curly locks slowly and thoroughly before taking a washcloth and washing the girl’s body.</p><p>“Do you remember the morning after your 16<sup>th</sup> birthday?” Clarke asks while continuing to wash the girl’s body.</p><p>“Yes.” Lexa gritted knowing where this was going,</p><p>“This shower has seen some amazing things, but I think that morning was my favorite.” She smiled, “You were so rough that day—like rougher than usual. The way you fucked me against the glass not even caring if it broke—I could cum just thinking about it.”</p><p>“Clarke.”</p><p>“And then there was when you picked me up and slammed me against the wall before-.”</p><p>“What’s your point?” Lexa interrupted, at this point she was painfully hard, and the teasing was too much.</p><p>“My point is-.” Clarke whispers taking the washcloth and stroking her length a couple of times before pulling away and dropping to her knees, her big blue eyes staring up at cloudy green ones, “that I think I want to add to those memories.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Forty minutes later a satisfied Lexa and Clarke made there was into the dining room where everyone was starting to take their seats. Surprisingly, everyone was there including Willa, Gustus, Lincoln, Octavia, Anya and now Clarke and Lexa.</p><p>“Goodmorning love birds.” Willa chimed causing the others to look at the girls, Anya looked happy, Lincoln looked confused but also happy and Octavia looked interested but mostly confused since none of them knew Clarke was there.</p><p>“Love birds?” Anya grinned, watching the girls take their seats,</p><p>“Where’s Raven?” Lexa asked changing the subject before grabbing some pancakes and bacon to fill her plate.</p><p>“Working on a project, she’ll probably come by later.” Anya said, not bothering to pry instead deciding to let them announce if they’re together on there own terms.</p><p>“Clarke, I hope everything ok I wasn’t sure what you liked, and I can only cook these three things.” Willa said, motioning to the pancakes, eggs and bacon on the table.</p><p>“It’s true, she tried to cook chicken we almost died.” Lexa added,</p><p>“That’s dramatic.” Willa defended,</p><p>“Some of it was raw.” Gustus added with a smile as he grabbed his food,</p><p>“And some of us got a few bites in before noticing. “Lincoln grumbled,</p><p>“I apologized and you said you wouldn’t bring it up anymore!” Willa huffed,</p><p>“Everything is fine Willa, thank you for having me.” Clarke replied to the woman who smiled,</p><p>“You’re always welcome here Clarke.”</p><p>Breakfast resumed and Clarke knew as soon as it was over Octavia would bombarded her with questions since she didn’t tell any of her friends, she was planning on talking to Lexa. Granted she didn’t owe them that, but she also didn’t know she’d be having breakfast with one of them the next morning.</p><p>Once everyone was done eating Clarke hoped she could escape back to the brunette’s room but that wasn’t happening.</p><p>“Clarke.” Anya smiled walking over to her, “I have to say I’m in love with the cut.”</p><p>“Oh, Thanks.” She smiled, expecting her to say something related to Lexa. “I need a change and my hair seemed the easiest to do.”</p><p>“Well, it suits you.” The girl replied, “Also if you’re ever staying over again and need a change of clothes don’t hesitate to ask. Seeing you—such a chic, fashion forward bad bitch in Lexa’s raggedy sweatpants is heartbreaking.”</p><p>“Not everyone gets dressed in designer outfits and heels for breakfast.” Lexa chimed in joining the pair,</p><p>“And it’s a shame.” Anya sighed, “Just remember what I said Clarke.”</p><p>“Thanks Anya.” She laughed as the girl walked off,</p><p>“Lexa, do you have a moment?” Gustus asks walking up to the girls, “I asked your mother and Lincoln to meet me in the living room, just for a few moments.”</p><p>Clarke could practically feel Lexa tense up beside her, so she grabbed her hand—if anything than to just let her know she was there.</p><p>“Sure.” The brunette finally said to which her dad nodded before walking off,</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked, stepping in front of the girl.</p><p>“Nothing it just seems serious.” Lexa mumbled nervously, “What if—this makes sense things have been too chill, something wrong.”</p><p>“Lexa you can’t jump to that conclusion, I’m sure everything is fine just go hear him out first.”</p><p>“Ugh.” She sighed, “Fine.”</p><p>Clarke leaned up giving the girl a quick kiss before moving to let her walk away, unknowing to Clarke Octavia was also in the room but she didn’t say anything which worried Clarke even more.</p><p>“Hey.” Clarke said joining the girl at the now clear dining table,</p><p>“Hey.” She smiled, “You’re hair is short…. I love it.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>“Lincoln seemed worried did Lex seemed worried?” Octavia asks and Clarke could only notice that she didn’t ask about her and Lexa since she assumed, she would.</p><p>“She was too but I don’t think it’s anything bad…. Or I hope not.”</p><p>“Me too.” O sighed,</p><p>“You’re not even going to ask?” Clarke finally said causing the brunette to smile,</p><p>“I was going to let you bring it up first.” She shrugged, “Are you…”</p><p>“Together?” she finished, “Yes, we talked yesterday and decided we wanted to be together.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“Ok? You don’t think it’s too soon?”</p><p>“Do you?”</p><p>“No, I just- I guess that’s the reaction I’m expecting once people know.” Clarke sighed,</p><p>“Why does it matter what anyone else thinks? It doesn’t even matter what I think as long as you know this is the right decision for you.”</p><p>“It is.” Clarke said firmly,</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“But just out of curiosity, what do you think?”</p><p>“I think that I want my best friend and practically my sister-in-law to be happy and they’re happiest together. So as long as you both feel like you’re ready then I’m happy for you. I love you Clarke and I love Lexa, but I never want to see you the way you were when she left again. It broke my heart because I knew how you felt the only difference was, I had an explanation- sort of. I just know she better never hurt you like that again.”</p><p>Clarke wanted to say she won’t, but the truth was she had no clue and she didn’t want to give herself false security, so she settled with,</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>“I’ve already threatened murder if she did.” Octavia smirked, “But Lexa seems different I think she really has worked hard on herself to be someone you could count on.”</p><p>Clarke nodded knowing that was true, in the past few months she has seen a Lexa she’s never seen, and she was proud of her—she just hoped it would last.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Lexa sat on the couch nervously as she waited for her parents to tell her why they hell they were there. One look at Lincoln and she could tell he was just as confused as her so finally she spoke up.</p><p>“What’s going on?” she asked her parents who were sitting on the opposite couch of them,</p><p>“Well, I just wanted to discuss with you guys some travel plans I have coming up soon.” Gustus spoke, “As we’ve discussed I’m going to be visiting Australia every few months and I have a trip coming up in a week. I’ll be gone for two weeks but I was hoping while I’m away you two would be willing to take my calls.”</p><p>Silence ensued and all Lexa could do was stare at her dad confusedly,</p><p>“This meeting is so you could ask permission to call us?” Lincoln finally asks causing the older man to falter,</p><p>“Well- I, I’ll be gone, and it will be the first time I’m leaving, and I just wanted to make sure—well I guess what I’m saying is I want to keep in contact with you guys while I’m there.”</p><p>“Ok…” Lexa said wondering if there was more to this conversation,</p><p>“Is that it?” Lincoln asked,</p><p>“I told you it wouldn’t be a big deal Gus.” Willa murmured to the man,</p><p>“Well, I just wanted to be sure.”</p><p>“If we’re done-.” Lexa started to say,</p><p>“There is another thing.” Gustus said nervously, “I’ve been talking with your mother about you two maybe meeting Madi.”</p><p>Lexa froze not expecting the comment or to even hear the little girl’s name—not that she hasn’t before but her dad never said it around them. He also never brought up meeting her, not since the first-time months ago and Lexa was freaking out.</p><p>She didn’t want to meet her—wait, did she? I mean eventually but now? Like in the near future… Was she ready for that, could she handle it?</p><p>Lincoln could practically see his sister panicking beside him and even if he didn’t necessarily know why, he did know he needed to diffuse the situation.</p><p>“Maybe we can think about it.” he said causing his father to nod,</p><p>“Of course, it wouldn’t be right away or anytime soon maybe in the future after I’ve discussed things further with Madi’s mother.”</p><p>“Ok.” Lincoln said, “Is that all, we shouldn’t keep O and Clarke waiting.”</p><p>“Yes-.”</p><p>Before his dad could finish both him and Lexa jumped off the couch, promptly leaving the room. Once they were a safe distance away Lincoln pulled his sister aside making sure she was ok.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>“What?” Lexa asked standoffishly,</p><p>“You know what.” He sighed, this was the first time he realized he and Lexa had never really had a full-blown conversation about Madi. “Why don’t you want to meet her?”</p><p>“I never said that I didn’t.” she defended,</p><p>“You don’t have to say it, your face says it all.” He replied, “Lexa I’m not saying it in an accusing or mean way I’m seriously asking.”</p><p>Lexa huffed leaning against the hallway, she didn’t know what to say—even if she did know she didn’t want to say it.</p><p>“Fine, just promise we’ll talk about it soon, both of us.” He said,</p><p>“You want to meet her.” Lexa said- it wasn’t a question she could tell he did.</p><p>“I don’t want to hold dads’ mistakes over her, she didn’t ask for this and she’s just a kid. Plus, I think it would be interesting to have a little sister.” He smiled and to Lexa that felt like a stab in the heart.</p><p>For the first time she wasn’t Lincolns little sister, those ten minutes he’s been holding over her head for the last 18 years seemed like nothing anymore and maybe she was overthinking it, but it did hurt.</p><p>“Right.” She finally said before walking away,</p><p>“Lexa.” He sighed grabbing her hand, but she kept walking until she reached her room where the most beautiful girl in the world was waiting for her.</p><p>Lexa walked over to the bed where the blonde was laying and snuggled into her open arms. <em>She missed this so much. </em></p><p>“Everything ok?” Clarke asked, her fingers combing through the brunettes semi wet hair,</p><p>“Yeah, he just wanted to tell us he’s going to Australia next week.”</p><p>“Oh, and you’re not ok with that?”</p><p>“I am.” She sighed, “He mentioned meeting Madi and…. I just don’t know.”</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks knowing it’s best to ask before she pushed,</p><p>“Not really.” Lexa admitted, “Can we just watch a movie or something instead?”</p><p>“Yes, and I’ll even let you pick.” Clarke smiled, grabbing the remote.</p><p>“I know it’s out of pity, but I’ll take it.” Lexa grinned, only her princess could cheer her up that easily.</p><p>Less than five minutes of scrolling later she chose Avengers because Scarlett Johansson—that’s the only reason she needed.</p><p>She ended up spending the whole movie in Clarkes arms where she belonged, and nothing felt better. A year without this felt like torture- self inflicted but she would never go with out the blonde ever again. There was never a doubt that Clarke was her future but having her back now was a feeling greater than she imagined and it excited her. For once in her life, she was excited about her future.</p><p>“Go to dinner with me tonight.” Lexa said as the credits started to roll, “I’ll book your favorite and it’ll be a date.”</p><p>“You want to take me on a date.” Clarke smiled looking down the at the girl,</p><p>“It’s our first real day back as a couple and I love lying in bed watching movies with you but tonight I want to wine and dine you- minus the wine of course. So, will you allow me to take you out?”</p><p>“Duh baby.” The blonde grinned pulling her up for a kiss, “I would love that.”</p><p>“Good.” She smiled giving her one last peck before reaching for her phone, “It’s 3pm so how about we go at 7?”</p><p>“Sounds good.”</p><p>“What should we do until then?” Lexa asked with a wicked smirk on her face, but Clarke only stood up from the bed,</p><p>“Well, I’m going to go home and take my time getting ready- maybe even go back to the salon for a blowout-.”</p><p>“But you already look perfect.”</p><p>“Don’t whine it’s beneath you.” Clarke giggled walking over to her bag, it wasn’t long before she felt hands around her waist.</p><p>“Do you have to leave right now?”</p><p>“Lex it’s four hours.” She laughed turning around to face the girl who was sporting the cutest pout ever,</p><p>“That’s so long, I just got you back.”</p><p>“Baby you’re not losing me just because I’m going home to change.”</p><p>“Fine.” She groaned,</p><p>“I think you can handle it.”</p><p>“It’ll be the most miserable four hours of my life.” Lexa smiled giving her a long deep kiss before pulling away, “I’ll pick you up at 6:45.”</p><p>“By pick me up you do mean with the driver, right?”</p><p>“As if I would scare you away with my horrendous driving when I just got you back.”</p><p>“You couldn’t scare me away if you tried babe.” She winked, “But do please use a driver, for both of our safety.”</p><p>“I will, don’t worry.” She smiled walking the blonde to the elevator and pressing the button, once it arrived Clarke gave her one last kiss before stepping on,</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.” The brunette smiled as the doors shut and Lexa walked back to her room, flopping onto the bed. Not a minute later getting another guest,  </p><p>“Knock, Knock.” Willa said before walking through the open door,</p><p>“Please whatever you’re about to say about Clarke don’t.” Lexa groaned; she didn’t need her mom’s obsession with her girlfriend right now.</p><p>“I didn’t come in here for that.” Willa replied taking a seat on the bed, “Something seemed wrong when your dad mentioned meeting Madeline, is everything ok?”</p><p>“Fine.” Lexa offered with a shrug,</p><p>“I don’t believe you but just know when you decided you want to talk about it, I’ll be here.”</p><p>Lexa sighed sitting up in the bed, “You’re ok with meeting her?”</p><p>“Well, I don’t- I mean it was never discussed for me to be there, so I haven’t thought about it...”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“I think I understand how you feel Lexa, one day no matter what the status of me and your father’s relationship a time will come where I’ll have to meet Sage. I don’t want to; in fact, I want to forget she exists, but I can’t for the simple fact that our children share a father. All of you are innocent in this and I don’t want your fathers, or my mistakes stop you from meeting your sister. And if ultimately you decide you don’t want to meet her then I’ll support you although a day will come where you will.”</p><p>“I don’t want to think about it right now.” Lexa huffed,</p><p>“Ok, I just wanted to make sure you were ok.” Willa replied pulling the girl into her arms, “I love you angel.”</p><p>“I love you too mom.”</p><p>“How about a movie.” Willa suggested with a huge grin, ever since Lexa came home her and Willa had made a habit of having movie nights. Sometimes they would include Anya or Lincoln and even at times Gus but mostly it was just them and Lexa enjoyed every second of it.</p><p>“Sure.” She smiled handing the remote to the woman because like Clarke her mother demands control over the media choices—Lexa was such a push over to the women in her life….. but she didn’t even care.</p><p>“You always say movie then pick a documentary.” Lexa mumbled as the opening credits for “Have a nice Trip.” played- which was apparently about drugs or something. “By the way I tried LSD and it is not what movies make it out to be.”</p><p>“I myself tried LSD in college.” Willa admitted shocking the fuck out of Lexa,</p><p>“You didn’t.” she practically yelled,</p><p>“I had quite the wild side as a youth.” She smiled, and Lexa laughed,</p><p>“Maybe it’s where I get my wild side from.”</p><p>“Definitely wasn’t your father, he was a prude in college. Never partied or drank anything.”</p><p>“Wow, he’s Lincoln.” Lexa said causing the older woman to laugh,</p><p>“He so is.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>It was thirty minutes before Lexa would be to pick her up and Clarke was sliding into her dress. She didn’t know where Lexa was taking her but it’s Lexa Fox so she knew it would be some five-star establishment, so she needed to look amazing.</p><p>She considered going shopping but with such little time she opted against it and instead chose a tight black bodycon dress with her favorite Valentino shoes. Her hair was in curls and she decided to go light on the makeup. In the end she was happy with the look and she knew Lexa would be very pleased with it too.</p><p>“You look very nice.” Abby said from the door frame, Clarke not even realizing she was there. “Are you going out with your friends?”</p><p>“No.” Clarke replied turning towards her mother, “Lexa is taking me out on a date.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>
  <em>Great, here we fucking go. </em>
</p><p>“I didn’t realize you two were seeing each other again.” Abby added and Clarke felt herself getting angry,</p><p>“We are, she’s my girlfriend and if you even think about treating her like shit the way you have for years than you can kiss any relationship with me goodbye.”</p><p>“Clarke.” Abby sighed taking a seat on the bed, “I wasn’t going to say anything bad, i- If you’re happy that’s what matters and— have a nice time tonight.”</p><p>Before Clarke could reply her mother was out the door and her phone chimed with a text from Lexa announcing her arrival. With a smile she grabbed her purse and headed to the elevator.</p><p>The last date she had been on was with Luna and if she was honest, she hadn’t realized it was a date until they were in the movies and Luna grabbed her hand and it went from there. It wasn’t a bad ‘date’ if you will, but Clarke wasn’t into it—on the other hand every date with Lexa felt…… right. She never had to second guess if she wanted to be there because there was no where else she’d rather be.</p><p>When the elevator doors opened, she was greeted by her beautiful girlfriend dressed to the nines of course and holding a bundle of white roses.</p><p>“I know cliché.” Lexa said pointing to the flowers, “I guess it’s my fault for going flower shopping so close to Valentine’s day.”</p><p>“They’re perfect.” Clarke smiled wrapping her arms around the girl, “Thank you.”</p><p>“Of course.” The brunette smiled handing the flowers to the doorman to send up, “Ready to go?” she asked holding her arm out.</p><p>“Lead the way Casanova.”</p><p>Clarke took the brunettes arms as they walked out to the car which Clarke noticed was the families Range Rover.</p><p>“You drove?” Clarke asked turning to the girl,</p><p>“No.” Lexa groaned, “I fear this is worse though.”</p><p>With a sigh Lexa opened the door for the blonde to get in, following behind settling in the seat before their chauffeur decided to turn around.</p><p>“You look beautiful as always Clarke.” Willa smiled and Lexa sighed,</p><p>“Thank you, Willa.” She smiled, “How did you get roped into to driving us.”</p><p>“It’s her fault, she gave the driver the weekend off and I was going to call a cab and she refused to let me.” Lexa explained,</p><p>“I would never allow my daughter and future daughter in law take a cab to their first date.”</p><p>“We’ve been on many dates actually.” Lexa replied,</p><p>“You know what I mean Lexa.” Willa huffed, “Anyways maybe if you learned to drive better you could’ve driven yourself.”</p><p>“That is true babe.” Clarke teased, nudging the brunette who rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Some people just aren’t meant to drive.” Lexa murmured,</p><p>Luckily, for the brooding brunette the restaurant was only a few minutes’ drive away, so it wasn’t long before they pulled up.</p><p>“Butter?” Clarke smiled upon seeing the glowing sign of the restaurant,</p><p>“I said I’d take you to your favorite.” Lexa replied opening the door, helping the blonde out before closing the door.</p><p>“Lexa!” Willa called from the car,</p><p>“Yes mother.” Lexa said walking to the open window,</p><p>“Do you need like money or something?” Willa asked nervously, “I- this is the first time ever dropping you off anywhere I feel like I’m supposed ask what time you’ll be home or something.”</p><p>Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her mother’s cluelessness,</p><p>“I have my card so I’m good on money and as for what time I’ll be home let’s say 10.”</p><p>“Ok.” She nodded, “Should I pick you up?”</p><p>“No thank you, we’ll walk.”</p><p>“It’s freezing out here Lexa.”</p><p>“Love you good night.” Lexa smiled before walking to the entrance where Clarke was waiting.</p><p>“Is everything ok?” the blonde asks,</p><p>“Fine, just my mom being weird and motherly.” She shrugged with a smile before connecting her hand with Clarkes as they walked to the hostess station where a smiling red hair woman was waiting.</p><p>“Welcome to Butter, do you ladies have a reservation?” she asked,</p><p>“Yes, it should be under Fox.”</p><p>Clarke watched as the red head looked through her iPad while she snuck glances at Lexa—flirty glances she might add. This wasn’t something Clarke was new to—it’s kind of what you expect dating the most popular girl in school, but it was still annoying.</p><p>“Lexa Fox, got it right here.” She smiled, “Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”</p><p>“I’m sure my girlfriend thinks so.” Lexa replied turning to the blonde with a smirk,</p><p>“These shoes aren’t meant for standing so if you wouldn’t mind showing us to the table.” Clarke spoke turning to the girl who seemed to be a bit embarrassed,</p><p>“Of course, right this way.”</p><p>Once they were seated Clarke was happy to see the girl walking off, she just hoped their waiter wouldn’t be as annoying.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Lexa said as soon as the girl was gone,</p><p>“It’s not your fault and I’m not letting it ruin our night.” She smiled grabbing the girl’s hand on the table,</p><p>“Have I told you how amazing you look tonight, because you look fucking amazing.”</p><p>“I thought you’d like it.” the blonde smirked,</p><p>“I love it.” Lexa corrected, “Truthfully you look amazing in everything.”</p><p>“Well, you look amazing too.”</p><p>“Thanks baby.”</p><p>
  <em>God, I love when she calls me that.</em>
</p><p>“So, what will you be getting?”</p><p>…………..</p><p>Thankfully, their waiter was a lovely woman named Belle who was nothing short of professional and their first date was going amazingly.</p><p>It was almost like nothing had happened, like no time had passed because it felt so normal. They were laughing and talking and taking selfies—like they used to and neither of them thought twice about how easy it was to fall back into old habits.</p><p>By the time dessert had come around they were both on one side of their plush velvet booth sharing a piece of chocolate layer cake—<em>Lexa’s favorite</em>.</p><p>“You never told me what happened with dinner with Abby and her therapist.” Lexa said as she fed the blonde a bit of the chocolatey goodness, “Did you go?”</p><p>“No, I decided not to.” Clarke replied, leaning into the brunette’s side. “Me and my mom are able to have a decent conversation sometimes but it’s nothing close to me wanting to meet her boyfriend.”</p><p>“Did she understand that?”</p><p>“She said it was fine.” Clarke sighed, “I- Lex honestly I feel like we will never have any sort of mother daughter relationship.”</p><p>“I thought that about my mom too, but we managed.”</p><p>“The difference is you wanted that and I- I don’t…. I’m terrible.”</p><p>“You’re not Clarke.” Lexa said quickly, “Abby was… horrible to you beyond horrible and I know even before Jake she wasn’t very attentive. It’s understandable that you don’t want or feel the need to have a relationship with her and you never have to feel bad about that baby, ever…”</p><p>“I do want to at least be civil with her, maybe in the future I’ll feel different.” Honestly, Clarke needed to hear what Lexa said, she needed someone to tell her that she didn’t have to feel guilty for not wanting a relationship with her mother. “Plus, I’m pretty sure if I need a mom Willa would happily adopt me.”</p><p>“That is 1000% true.” Lexa laughed, “Come on beautiful lets get out of here.”</p><hr/><p>Ok, in hinds sight walking home was not the best idea since it was early February in New York city and freezing cold- as her mother said but she was stubborn. Thankfully, Lexa’s Penthouse was a ten-minute walk from the restaurant and Clarke agreed to come back home with her.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” Clarke asks as they walked down the buzzing streets,</p><p>“Of course, baby.”</p><p>“Why don’t you want to meet your sister?” Lexa froze at the question and Clarke noticed but she could tell this was bothering her earlier and she didn’t want the girl to push it down, but she also was going to push her to tell her.</p><p>“Honestly?” Lexa sighed still staring ahead, “I- I don’t even want to say it out loud because I feel like an idiot.”</p><p>“You know you can tell me anything Lexa, no judgment- not with us.”</p><p>Lexa sighed and stopped as they came upon her apartment complex, before facing the blonde.</p><p>“She’s- I’ve lived my whole life trying to figure out how to feel ok in my own skin. How to be… a girl, a daughter, a sister and what if- what if I meet her and she... I just I can’t--.”</p><p>“Ok, ok.” Clarke interrupted grabbing the girls face with her cold hands, “We don’t have to talk about it right now, lets go upstairs.”</p><p>Lexa nodded following the girl onto the elevator and then into her room once they made it upstairs. She knew sooner or later she would have to talk about what she felt about meeting her sister, but she couldn’t… even trying to put it into words tonight felt wrong but she knew she this wasn’t something she could keep bottle up. Maybe she would try and discuss it with Becca during their next session.</p><p>“I’m going to change.” Clarke told her before wondering off to the bathroom.</p><p>Lexa decided to do the same, taking off her fitted pants and dress shirt so she was left in her boxers and a bralette.</p><p>A few minutes later she heard the bathroom door open and what she saw was, well beautifully shocking.</p><p>“Baby.” Lexa breathed seeing the blonde dressed in a lacey black bodysuit that left nothing to the imagination. “I- what’s the occasion?”</p><p>“Well.” Clarke smirked walking over to the dresser, “I wanted to end the night in a… satisfying way and I figured I owed you a photoshoot.” She picked up the camera walking over to the bed and handing the brunette the camera.</p><p>“I think I mentioned nude photos.” Lexa teased, slowly running her finger down the lace material.</p><p>“We’ll get there eventually.” Clarke whispered as she seductively made her way to the bed where she laid out giving her girlfriend a great view. “First you can shoot me like this, feel free to pose me in whatever positions you see fit.”</p><p>“This position is perfect baby girl, but I would change one thing.” Lexa walked over to the bed where the blonde was watching her every move. “Turn around and look straight to me.”</p><p>Clarke did as she was told turning over so that she was on her stomach, her eyes staying on the half-naked brunette. As much as she was excited for this, she was ecstatic for what was to follow.</p><p>Lexa brushed her curly blonde hair behind her ear leaning down to place a soft kiss on her lips before pulling back and grabbing her camera.</p><p>Her mind was still wrapping itself around the fact that this was happening but also, she was intently turned on by how amazingly hot right now and god she loved this girl.</p><p>“Look at right into the camera.”</p><p>“Like this baby?”</p><p>“Just like that baby girl.” Lexa replied snapping a few photos, “You know you’re making all my photography dreams come true right now.”</p><p>“I’d like to make all your dreams come true baby.” The blonde whispered, pushing one of her sleeves down.</p><p>“What am I going to do with you?”</p><p>“I could name a few things, all of them you’ll love.”</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="https://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My Tumblr💕</a>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for the lack of chapters my week has been.... well horrible.. </p><p> </p><p>More to come soon... (if you read my other stories specifically Head over Heart I’ll try to have an update soon as well.)</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Note:)</h2></a>
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    <p>Hey guys so as you can tell this is not a chapter but I wanted to say a couple things that I’ve been seeing a lot on here lately. First I would have to start with that hate. Writing fanfiction isn’t anyone’s job, everyone on this platform does it because they want to and because they love it! In this case it’s Clexa, we were robbed of so many amazing moments between them but we didn’t let that stop us. We write and read these stories to fulfill something we never got and we do it for fun. <br/><br/></p><p>unfortunately there are people on this platform who like to rip the fun and light out of everything and that has caused so many amazing writers to leave the platform. <br/><br/></p><p>I know for me writing has been a lifesaver, in my darkest times it’s got me through and it’s made life a little more enjoyable. I’ll never stop and the hate won’t make me but it gets to a point where we all need to ask ourselves is these two fictional characters are worth forcing people to lose their passion. <br/><br/></p><p>So appreciate your favorite writers and make sure they know their work means something to you because too many people have been run off this site and I hate seeing so many amazing stories unfinished! <br/><br/></p><p>That being said I’m working on a new chapter for a couple of my stories including this one that should be up soon I just needed to get that off my chest! <br/><br/></p><p>I’m curious to know what you guys think of this conversation so feel free to leave a comment! </p><hr/><p>
  <a href="http://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My Tumblr</a>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 17: Mothers, Daughters, Birthday girls and The family Fuck up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>First i just want to say thank you so much for the feedback on the note i left the other day! Compared to others the stupid hate comments i've gotten have been stupid and would never make me stop writing! No one can! but there are authors who have quit because of it and left their amazing stories unfinished because of some assholes on the internet! (And it was like two in the morning and i needed to rant after seeing one of my fav stories would not be finished because of hate!) I don't think i've ever received bad feedback on this story you all are all amazing and beautiful and that goes for everyone who reads my stories and leaves a lovely comment i really do appreciate it! And if you read and don't like it i don't mind feedback all i'm saying is you don't have to be a dick about it! anyways no one's ever running me off of here i promise! love you all!!!!</p><p> </p><p>oh and i'm sorry for mistakes i really wanted to get this up!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<p></p><div class="ujudUb">
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    <em>
      <strong>No one even knows how hard life was</strong>
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      <strong>I don't even think about it now because</strong>
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      <strong>I've finally found you</strong>
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      <strong>Oh, sing it to me</strong>
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  <p><em><strong>Now my life is sweet like cinnamon</strong></em><br/>
<em><strong>Like a fucking dream I'm living in</strong></em><br/>
<em><strong>Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio</strong></em><br/>
<em><strong>(How do you like me now?) - Radio by Lana deal Rey</strong></em> </p>
</div><hr/><p>It had been almost a month since Clarke and Lexa had gotten back together and everything was perfect. They were happy, all of their friends were happy for them and life in general was great. For a moment it felt like how life had been before and, in a way, it was but there were also so many differences now.</p><p>For one so much has happened since their Sophomore year where they were happily dating. There was drama and breakdowns but also growth and prosperity on both sides. As much as they wanted to be the people there were two years ago, they weren’t, and they were learning to be ok with that. They were learning that certain aspects in their relationship had changed just as much as they had and that it wasn’t a bad thing. If anything, it made their relationship better because now they were older and wiser and all the crazy shit, they’d been through had somehow managed to make them better.</p><p>For Lexa that feeling was amplified because after so much work and time she finally felt like the better version of herself. She was clean from drugs and alcohol; partying wasn’t her daily activity anymore and she had a family, a real actual family which is more than she can say for her past self.</p><p>Now she was happy, and she intended on holding onto that happiness for as long as she could muster.</p><p>
  <strong>MARCH</strong>
</p><p>“This is all wrong.” Anya whispered, before raising her voice, “THIS IS ALL WRONG!!!”</p><p>“I think you might be overreacting a bit.” Lexa said biting back her laugh as she watched her beyond overdramatic cousin pace the messy bedroom. “I think it looks great.”</p><p>“Of course, you do.” She scoffed, “You have no fashion sense whereas I am the embodiment of high fashion Lexa and this will not do!”</p><p>With a roll of her eyes Lexa stood once more to take a look over the dress that Anya was currently melting down over. To her it was just another black dress by some overrated designer that probably cost way more than it was worth. But of course, her cousin saw more, she saw the flaws on the stitching and the inconsistency of the fabric and most importantly she saw the droopiness of the fabric in the stomach area that was apparently unflattering.</p><p>“That’s it, my birthday is cancelled!” Anya exclaimed reaching to unzip the awful dress from her body before going for her phone.</p><p>“Anya it’s not cancelled, we’ll just find you something else to wear.”</p><p>“My party is tonight Lexa, and I don’t want to wear anything from my closet, I wanted something new and off the runway god dammit!”</p><p>“Why do I hear yelling?” Willa called as she walked into room where Anya was bordering tears and Lexa was watching with no clue of what to do.</p><p>“Anya hates her dress, and she wants to cancel her party.” Lexa explains and Willa gasps,</p><p>“After all of our hard work absolutely not!”</p><p>“But I can’t show up in the terrible excuse for a dress.”</p><p>“Agreed. “Willa whispered as she eyed the black fabric now decorating the floor, “But we both know that when you can’t go new the best thing to do is go vintage.”</p><p>“But all my vintage pieces are in LA and mom and dad are already on their flight.”</p><p>“Darling have you forgotten who I am.” Willa smirked grabbing Anya’s hand, “I practically am the epitome of vintage and I think I have the perfect dress for you.”</p><p>Anya gasped staring at the woman, “You don’t mean…. But you never go into the back-room collection.”</p><p>“For you I’d pull out any collection.” The older woman smiled, “Shall we?”</p><p>Anya nodded eagerly practically running out of the room and towards the parents wing of the penthouse.</p><p>Lexa on the other hand took that as her dismissal and headed back to her room where she had been before Anya pulled her into her crisis.</p><p>Once she was there, she jumped into her awaiting bed where her phone had been, after opening it she noticed a few missed texts most of them from Clarke which made her smile.</p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS</em></strong>: Anya texted the party was cancelled?</p><p><strong><em>LEX:</em></strong> Her dramatics act quicker than I thought, she had a wardrobe breakdown, but I think mom helped with that.</p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS:</em></strong> So, then I should put on this amazingly sexy dress that I bought for the party?”</p><p><strong><em>LEX:</em></strong> Amazingly sexy huh?</p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS:</em></strong> Just wait and see babe, trust me you’ll love it.</p><p>“Lexa the party is officially back on.” Anya squealed running into the brunette’s room, a sparkly gold dress in hand.</p><p>“I’m guessing you found something.”</p><p>“Not just something Lex, this dress is one of a kind! No one else owns this meaning I’ll be the only one to ever feel it on my skin.”</p><p>“Mom didn’t wear it?”</p><p>“No, apparently it was a gift from your dad years ago and she preserved it but now she’s allowing me to wear it.”</p><p>“That’s great Anya.”</p><p>“I know.” She smiled lightly hugging the dress before turning to her cousin, “Why the hell aren’t you dressed yet, we’re leaving in thirty!”</p><p>“It’s not like you threatened to cancel the party four times over the last hour or anything.” She mumbled to herself before walking off to her closet since she had no clue what the hell she was going to wear.</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>“You look beautiful as always Clarke.” Abby smiled admiring her daughter as they crossed paths- Clarke heading for the elevator to leave.</p><p>“Thanks.” She offered not bothering to stop, it had been a weird few months in her house- weirder than usual.</p><p>Since Abby was no longer treating Clarke like trash off the street their household had been calmer but they also weren’t as close and other mothers and daughters and lately that was due to Clarke.</p><p>Abby was better, she was nicer and somewhat tried with her, but Clarke wasn’t interested. It wasn’t because she was holding a grudge or hated her mom, in fact she didn’t. As much as she should hate Abby she didn’t and the only reason she didn’t was because emotionally she was detached from the woman all together.</p><p>She cared for the woman but she had no desire to build a relationship with her and for the longest she felt bad about that but there was nothing that could change that. No matter how much they talked or had dinner together or went shopping, she never felt the connection that she should, and she finally just decided to accept that. Abby on the other hand had not.</p><p>“I see you’re going out?” Abby smiled,</p><p>“Anya’s birthday party.”</p><p>“Fun, well I will see you when you get home.”</p><p>“I’ll probably just stay with Lexa.” Clarke said pressing the elevator a couple more times. <em>This is taking way too long.</em></p><p>“I think you should come home.” Abby replied causing the blonde’s head to snap up,</p><p>“Why?” Clarke asked holding back a laugh,</p><p>“You are always at Lexa’s; I never see you Clarke.”</p><p>
  <em>That’s the point…</em>
</p><p>Finally, after way too much time the elevator finally dinged, and Clarke couldn’t have been happier.</p><p>“I’m sure Lexa’s mother would agree that you need to spend some time at your own house.” Abby added.</p><p>“That’s funny.” Clarke scoffed with a laugh, stepping onto the elevator, “Willa practically begs me to stay over, she loves me.”</p><p>“I’m your mother Clarke and I love you.”</p><p>“I have to go, or I’ll be late.” The blonde replied awkwardly pressing the ground floor button, the last thing she needed was her mom to guilt trip her or give her some speech about being home when for the past eighteen years it’s never mattered.</p><p>Tonight, was not the night she was going to have a moral debate with herself of whether or not her mother should be a concern. So instead of letting the encounter fester in her mind she put it aside and got into her town car that was taking her to the party.</p><p>In true Anya fashion her birthday party was just a luxurious and over the top as her in none other than one of New York’s most lavish upper class night club’s Luxe.</p><p>When Clarke first heard Anya was having her party in a night club, she was shocked but seeing it now she understood. Luxe wasn’t a taky club like most in New York, it was poise and simplistic but also luxurious without being over the top and that was just from the outside.</p><p>“Thank you, Fred.” Clarke smiled to her driver before getting out the car, the outside of the club was hectic, but Lexa was somewhere outside waiting for her she just didn’t know where.</p><p>Outside it was packed with people, mostly extremely gorgeous people and Clarke knew they must be Anya’s model friends.</p><p>“Feels like we’re in some utopia where only flawless humans are allowed to enter.” Raven said walking up to the blonde who was more than happy to see a familiar face. “Anya says they’re not all models.”</p><p>“Could’ve fooled me.” Clarke murmured looking around, “Where is the birthday girl, is she here?”</p><p>“Yeah, we came together, after she texted me that the party was cancelled like ten times I finally had to go to the penthouse where she was happily prancing around in her vintage dress.”</p><p>“That girl is so dramatic, where is she?”</p><p>“Her and Lexa are over there talking to some model they know.” Raven pointed and Clarke eyes followed until they landed on her beyond words gorgeous girlfriend who was looking incredibly sexy in tight dress pants and a lowcut silk tank that showed just the right amount of cleavage.</p><p>“You’re drooling.” Raven smirked,</p><p>“I can’t help my girlfriends hot.” Clarke shrugged with a smile as she observed Lexa from a far. She seemed to be having an interesting conversation with this so-called model and Clarke couldn’t help but wonder how they met because with Lexa it could be anything.</p><p>“How about instead of staring we just walk over there.”</p><p>“Fine.” Clarke said not taking her eyes off her girlfriend as they walked over,</p><p>“Look who I found.” Raven announced causing Anya, Lexa, and their friend to look up, Lexa’s jaw immediately going slack at the sight of the blonde.</p><p>“Baby…” Lexa murmured fully taking in sight in front of her, as promised Clarke was dressed in something sexy- no sexy didn’t even encompass how good she looked. “You look, I can’t even find the words.”</p><p>“I told you I had something amazingly sexy lined up for the night.” The blonde whispered in the girl ear giving her a soft peck on the lips. “I see I didn’t disappoint.”</p><p>“You never do baby. “</p><p>“Get a room.” Anya gaged,</p><p>“Happy birthday.” Clarke smiled pulling away from Lexa to give the girl who had quickly become one of her closet friends a hug.</p><p>“Thank you, I assume my gift is too big to transport.”</p><p>“Already delivered to the penthouse.”</p><p>“I knew I loved you Clarkey.” Anya smiled,</p><p>“Who’s your friend?” Clarke asked motioning to the supposed model who hadn’t said a word since she walked over.</p><p>“This is Josephine.” Lexa smiled, “We met in rehab.”</p><p>“From coked out sluts to reformed teens overnight.” Josephine smirked, “You must be Clarke, this one couldn’t stop talking about you as we were serving our time in the center together.”</p><p>“She hasn’t told me anything about you.” Clarke replied, come to think of it she didn’t know much about Lexa’s stay in rehab. The brunette never talked about it and Clarke never thought to ask, should she have?”</p><p>“Ouch.” Josie smiled, “Not surprising, anyways it was nice to meet you Clarke and Raven. Lex, we need to get together soon, reminisce of the joys of group therapy and all that.”</p><p>“I’ll text you.” Lexa replied, waving the girl off before turning back to her lovely girlfriend.</p><p>“She’s a model?” Clarke asked,</p><p>“Not that I know of.” The brunette shrugged, “Come on lets go inside.”</p><p>As expected, the inside of the club very much matched Anya’s classy, extra aesthetic. Huge crystal chandeliers hung from the ceilings and plush velvet covered almost every seating surface. Waiters roamed freely with what was no doubt the most expensive champagne on the market. The place was filled to the brim with people adults, models, teens from school literally everyone and Anya was eating it up.</p><p>“This is….” Lexa said with a pause before adding, “Very much Anya.”</p><p>“I agree.” Clarke laughed, “Do Indra and Nyko know there’s drinking here?”</p><p>“By the look on their faces I’d say no.” Lexa said her eyes on her aunt and uncle as they roamed the party with very present frowns on their faces. “Aunt Indra, Uncle Nyko.”</p><p>“Ah finally a familiar face.” Indra sighed in relief giving her niece a big hug, “How is my little moon flower.”</p><p>“Good, great.” Lexa smiled, for the first time in- well ever that was really true. “How are you guys?”</p><p>“Better before we walked in here.” Indra murmured looking around at all the underage teens sipping on five-hundred-dollar bottles of champagne.</p><p>“What did you expect, you shouldn’t have let her plan this on her own.” Nyko replied,</p><p>“Willa was supposed to supervise, obviously that was an ironic mistake.” Indra said before giving Lexa an apologetic look. “Sorry.”</p><p>“I’m sure mom didn’t know.” Lexa replied, her mom was trying and in the past few months she’s been the most attentive caring person in Lexa’s life, and she didn’t plan on letting Indra or anyone give her a snide jab. “It’s just champagne, half of these kids have done worst.”</p><p>“God, I don’t even want to think about that.” Indra groaned, “Clarke, dear I’m so sorry how are you sweetie?”</p><p>“I’m well, it’s good to see you both again.” The blonde smiled,</p><p>“You as well.” Nyko smiled back before giving his niece a look- the ‘I see you got your girl back’ look and it didn’t go unnoticed by either girl.</p><p>“Would either of you beautiful ladies might know where I could find my daughter in this night club?” Indra asked,</p><p>“Her and Raven roamed off when we walked in.” Lexa replied, “Probably wherever the gifts are.”</p><p>“You’re right.” Indra nodded, “Wait Lexa, is the drinking going to be an issue for you?”</p><p>“I’m fine Indra.”</p><p>“But-.”</p><p>“Dance with me.” Lexa said to Clarke pulling her out on the dancefloor leaving her aunt and uncle where they stood. It wasn’t the first time she was asked this question today and she doubted it would be the last.</p><p>“You, ok?” Clarke asked as they swayed lightly to whatever song was playing.</p><p>“Fine, I just wish people would trust me.” Lexa huffed, “First it was Lincoln before we left now Indra, you haven’t asked me though.”</p><p>“I don’t need to.” Clarke said simply,</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because it never crossed my mind.” Clarke said honestly, “You haven’t had a drink in five months I don’t think just because you walk into a birthday party you’re going to spiral.”</p><p>“You’re the only one who believes that.”</p><p>“Then so be it, doesn’t matter if they think you’re going to drink, and you don’t owe It to them to prove it. Instead let’s enjoy our night and say fuck them.” She grinned, “Say it, come on Lex. Say it.”</p><p>“Fuck em.”</p><p>“That’s my girl.” Clarke grinned pulling the laughing brunette further onto the dance floor where she planned to distract her from any lingering thought of her family worry over her sobriety.</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>Two hours later and way too much dancing Lexa found herself sitting at the bar nursing a watered-down coke with a smile as she watched her amazing girlfriend dance around the club with their friends.</p><p>The night had taken a turn when Indra finally found Anya and gave her a stern, we’ll talk about this later speech but that did not deter the birthday girl one bit.</p><p>Everyone was having an amazing time and the night was actually going well.</p><p>“Not in the dancing mood?” Lincoln asks taking the empty next to his sister,</p><p>“Well, I thought while everyone was distracted by the whims of Lady Gaga music I’d sneak off to the bar and sip on a rum and coke.” Lexa said holding up her glass.</p><p>“Funny.” Lincoln rolled his eyes, “It was just a question Lexa I didn’t mean I thought you would get drunk tonight I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable.”</p><p>“You know I heard some girls talking about meeting up in the bathroom to do some coke maybe I’ll join them for that too, why not right?”</p><p>“Ok, I get it you’re mad and I’m saying I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I don’t really want your apology.”</p><p>Truthfully, this wasn’t just about Lincoln’s comment about her not drinking tonight this tension between them had been building for a few weeks. Ever since their dad mentioned meeting Madi and Lincoln gave his comment about how cool it would be to have a little sister not thinking how that might make Lexa feel.</p><p>After that they hardly talked mostly because Lexa avoided it but when their dad returned from his trip to see Madi all he could talk about was how excited the little girl was to learn that she had two older siblings. Lexa could hardly be bothered with the conversation, but Lincoln was annoyingly excited.</p><p>He couldn’t help but mention how he wanted to meet her and maybe they could spend holidays together or visit Australia, but Lexa wasn’t ready for that and that only seemed to make Lincoln mad.</p><p>Mad may be the wrong word but he was clearly frustrated with her when she couldn’t properly articulate why she wasn’t ready to meet Madi yet. It had been months and she still couldn’t explain but even then, she never asked her brother not to meet the little girl, she only said she didn’t want to yet.</p><p>“I thought we fixed this Lex.” Lincoln sighed, “I thought after our birthday and rehab we decided we were done icing each other out.”</p><p>“We did decided that but maybe you weren’t ready for that, maybe a small part of you still hates me for everything I’ve done.”</p><p>“I never hated you Lexa, you’re my sister.”</p><p>“So now I’m your sister.” She scoffed,</p><p>“What the hell does that even mean?”</p><p>“Just answer this, when we were in California and I was drinking and drugging myself to death did a small part of you do not hate me for keeping you away from Octavia.” She asked turning to her brother,</p><p>“I didn’t hate you, I hated what you were doing-.”</p><p>“Same thing.”</p><p>“I chose to go Lexa!” He shouted, getting the attention of their friends and girlfriends and even parents who were only across the room. “I already said that you never made me go I chose to!”</p><p>“And even though it was your choice you still blame me for it!”</p><p>“I don’t.” Lincoln sighed, “But clearly you want me to so maybe you’re the one not over it.”</p><p>“How about you fuck off.”</p><p>“Why don’t you just admit what this is really about. You’re scared and confused about dad and Madi and instead of dealing or actually fucking talking about it you’re trying to fall back on all this old shit as an excuse, but you can’t Lexa so grow the fuck up!”</p><p>“You’re a dick, I hope you treat your new little sister better than you’ve treated me and knowing you, you probably will since she’s normal and wont be an issue for you.”</p><p>“You know what fuck you Lexa!” he spat getting up from his seat, “Have a fucking drink like everyone in here knows you will, be a fuck up as usual!”</p><p>“Never fucking talk to me again.” Lexa yelled after him, but he was gone and all she wanted to be ball up and cry, but she couldn’t and now everyone in the party was staring at them and she wanted to die.</p><p>“Baby.” Clarke whispered grabbing her hand, from the look on her face Lexa knew she was worried and honestly so was Lexa. Her and Lincoln had fought many times but never like that, ever.</p><p>“I want to leave.” Lexa murmured, her eyes darting all around the room. She could see her mom’s worried look and her friends looks and she wanted to leave.</p><p>“Come on.” Clarke pulled her through the dancing crowd and soon enough into to the cool breeze of the new York streets. The penthouse was blocks away and Clarke didn’t think Lexa would want to wait for a town car, so she did what all good New Yorkers knew how to do, hailed a cab.</p><p>Soon enough they were in the yellow car driving down the busy weekend streets of Manhattan and Lexa had yet to say a word. Clarke was worried since she had no clue what was happening between the siblings but at the moment it didn’t matter. The only thing she cared about was taking care of her girlfriend and making sure she was ok.</p><p>When they arrived to Lexa’s building Clarke paid the driver before they both went upstairs. The apartment was dead silent of course since everyone was at the party.</p><p>Clarke led the brunette to the bedroom by her hand and made quick work of getting her out of her dressy clothes. Once the brunette was in a sleep shirt and boxers and spread out on the bed, Clarke quickly changed and climbed in behind her.</p><p>“I ruined our night.” Lexa said, finally breaking their silence, “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“As long as we’re together it’s not ruined.” Clarke assured, brushing soft brunette curls from the girls face. A second later she could hear sniffles and sobs and she pulled the girl closer.</p><p>“I messed up.” Lexa mumbled between sobs,</p><p>“Then you’ll fix, but not tonight. Right now, let’s get some rest, can we do that?” Clarke asked softly feeling the girls head move slightly against her chest.</p><p>She had no clue what was happening, but she prayed it was fixable, she knew how much Lexa loved Lincoln and seeing them fight was never fun, but they always got through it. Hopefully, this time was no different.</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>When Clarke woke the next morning, it was early, and Lexa was still fast asleep. The girl had cried herself to sleep a couple hours after they left the party, and it was hard for Clarke to watch. Seeing Lexa cry was one of the most heartbreaking sights to her and she hoped last night would be the last time for as long as possible.</p><p>She still didn’t know what was going on or why she was upset but she knew she wanted to be there for her girlfriend, so she carefully got out of her bed and slipped some old sweats she left over on.</p><p>If she was going to be there for Lexa that meant physically being there so quietly, she snuck out of the room and made her way to the elevator. Her house was only a few blocks away so she would run there get some extra clothes and school stuff so she could stay over for the next couple of days.</p><p>-</p><p>When she arrived at her own penthouse immediately, she was greeted with a smell of bacon and fresh coffee. Her mother didn’t cook, and she fired their personal chef years ago, so the smell only meant one thing.</p><p>“Good morning sweetie.” Abby smiled greeting her daughter straight off the elevator. “I’m glad you are here me and Marcus were just about to have breakfast.”</p><p>“I won’t be joining; I just came for some of my stuff I’m going to be at Lexa’s for a day or two.” Clarke said walking passed the woman only to be stopped by a hand on her shoulder.</p><p>“Clarke, I have tried and tried to be nice about this and I’ve tried to fix our relationship, but you are making it incredibly hard.”</p><p>“I’m not making it hard mother there just isn’t a relationship worth fixing!” Clarke barks back and from the shock on Abby’s face she had actually said that out loud and not in her head like she had a million times since her mom’s immaculate recovery to motherhood.</p><p>“How could you say that?”</p><p>“Because it’s the truth, we have never ever had a relationship not even when Dad was here.”</p><p>“I am trying Clarke, but you are not allowing me-.”</p><p>“Because it’s too late!” Clarke shouted, “I don’t want a relationship with you, I don’t care about your boyfriend or the fact that you don’t drink your breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore. I just don’t care, I haven’t in a long time now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to Lexa’s.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“No?” Clarke turned, an amused look on her face.</p><p>“You are not going to be staying at Lexa’s tonight or for a while.” Abby said, her face stern but all Clarke could do was laugh.</p><p>“The fact that you think you can tell me what to do is laughable.”</p><p>“I mean it Clarke!” she yelled, “If you leaver this house, I will call the Police, you are still 17 and still under my care and they will force you to come home.”</p><p>“You want to call the police? Fine call them and when they get here, I’ll show them every bruise and scratch and tell them every horror story of how you’ve managed to neglect your underage child for the last four years!”</p><p>“Fine, leave go stay at your freak girlfriends house!”</p><p>“There’s the Abby I know.” Clarke clapped, “You wouldn’t be able to change if your miserable life depended on it.”</p><p>“I have changed.”</p><p>“Clearly.”</p><p>“You want to leave, fine leave but don’t come back. Don’t ask for money or anything from me every again.”</p><p>“I don’t need your money, the one good parent I had made sure I would have everything I ever needed because even he knew you are a selfish bitch who should’ve never been aloud to breed children.”</p><p>“GET OUT!”</p><p>“GLADLY!” Clarke yelled back before stomping onto the elevator and making her way back down until she reached the ground floor.</p><p>Her town car waited but she hardly saw it as she walked down the street, she didn’t think or talk or speak she just walked.</p><p>It wasn’t until she reached Lexa’s house and she stepped off the elevator that she realized what just happened.</p><p>“There you are.” Lexa said, snapping her out of the trance she seemed to be in the passed twenty minutes, “I woke, and you weren’t there, Clarke… What’s wrong where have you been?”</p><p>“I went home.” Was all she could spare as she felt hot tears burning at her eyes,</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“My mom kicked me out.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Can I stay here?”</p><p>“Baby you don’t even have to ask.” Lexa sighed pulling the crying blonde into her arms,</p><p>Honestly, Clarke didn’t even know why she was crying, it’s not like she needed to mourn her relationship with her mom- it was nonexistent. Maybe she was crying for the simple fact that once upon a time she had a parent that filled the void of the missing one, but he was gone and now she was alone.</p><p>Except she wasn’t, she still had a family just not in the traditional sense and that was enough for right now.</p>
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  <a href="http://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My Tumblr </a>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If there is anything i want to be clear in this story is Lexa makes mistakes and says things shouldn't, as does Clarke and Lincoln and every other character becasue humans fuck up! This story ahs always been about getting better, it's not instant and feelings and emotions are not always as simple as 'get over it' ....... anyways let me know what you think...</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 18: Then It all Came Crashing Down</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lexa meets with Becca and makes a potential new friend while Clarke secretly has a hard time dealing with the fallout of her mom.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for mistakes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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      <strong> <em>Breaking up slowly is a hard thing to do</em> </strong>
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      <strong> <em>I love you only, but it's making me blue</em> </strong>
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      <strong> <em>So don't send me flowers like you always do</em> </strong>
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      <strong> <em>It's hard to be lonely, but it's the right thing</em> </strong>
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      <strong> <em>Are these my good years or do I have none?</em> </strong>
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      <strong> <em>Are there really good years for everyone?</em> </strong>
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      <strong> <em>I don't wanna live with a life of regret -Breaking up Slowly by Lana Del Rey</em> </strong>
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</div><hr/><p> </p><p>“So, Lexa tell me how you’ve been.”</p><p>Lexa inwardly groaned at the question seeing as her week had been nothing short of a fucking disaster. Her and Lincoln were on the outs which filled their house with tension, her parents tried to force them to reconcile but both refused. It’s not that Lexa didn’t want to fix things it just didn’t feel like it was worth it because she knew Lincoln didn’t understand why she was upset, and she didn’t know how to explain it.</p><p>But nevertheless, this was therapy, and she couldn’t not say anything especially with Becca who always saw right through her.</p><p>“I’m alive.” Lexa finally said, “So that’s something.”</p><p>“Ok, I was thinking with more detail.” Becca smiled, “Now that our sessions are down to once a month, we should have a lot to talk about. Catch me up, how is life?”</p><p>“Life’s fine.” Lexa shrugged,</p><p>“It’s spring break do you have any plans?”</p><p>“Not really.”</p><p>“Ok I see I’m going to have to ask more pointed questions, how are things at home with your parents?”</p><p>“Good I guess, better than it ever has been.”</p><p>“And that’s with your dad as well?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“Sure?” Becca asked looking up from her notebook, “You know I’m not going to give in and sit in silence Lexa so let’s skip to the part where you let me do my job, ok?”</p><p>“Ugh fine.” She huffed, “I don’t really talk to my dad, we’re not in a fight or anything we just never have much to say to each other.”</p><p>“How about your mom then?”</p><p>“Me and mom are closer than ever.” Lexa replied, a small smile on her face. “She makes an effort, and we spend a lot of time together now and it’s nice.”</p><p>“Does your father not try?”</p><p>“Him and Lincoln seem to be fine which is ironic since he is the epitome of daddy issues but whatever.”</p><p>“Do you want to be closer with your dad?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Lexa shrugged, and that was true. She had no clue what she wanted from her dad, or if her dad even wanted her- now that he had a proper daughter in his life.</p><p>“Do you think your lack of a relationship with your father is because of Madi?” Becca asks and Lexa couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes it’s just a question.”</p><p>“Can we not talk about that?”</p><p>“Fine, tell me about school, graduation is in two months are you excited?”</p><p>Ah, high school graduation the apparent start of every young person’s life…. If you have solid plans and goals that is.</p><p>“I suppose, I’ll be happy not to set foot in Polis again.”</p><p>“How about college, the last we talked you were waiting for your acceptance letter from Parsons for photography school.”</p><p>“And I’m still waiting.” As per Gaia’s suggestion Lexa decided to pursue photography further.</p><p>She had grown to love it and over the last few months it had been a good hobby. At first, she used it to sublimate since she couldn’t drink or do anything of the sort but soon it became more than just a distraction and she was seriously considering making it a career- first she just needed to get accepted.</p><p>“Well, you told me the semester doesn’t start until September so there is still time.”</p><p>“I guess, but I didn’t apply anywhere else so if I get rejected, I’m fucked.”</p><p>“Why do you say that?”</p><p>“Because I put all of my eggs in one basket I guess.”</p><p>“You can still do photography without college and there are so many amazing programs here in New York.”</p><p>“Doubtful I’ll get in them.”</p><p>“Not with that attitude.” She smiled, “Let me tell you something that adults don’t like telling teens. Going to college does not mean you have your shit together and not going to college does not make you a failure. College is not the end all be all, I know plenty of successful happy people who didn’t go to college simply because it wasn’t for them.”</p><p>“But all of my other friends got into to college’s, Clarke’s going to NYU for gods sake. I can’t just not go to college.”</p><p>“Do you want to go to college?”</p><p>“I want to go to Parsons.”</p><p>“And if you don’t get in?”</p><p>“Then I don’t know!” Lexa huffed; she was getting frustrated with the topic- with every topic Becca chose to discuss. “You’re being really pushy today you know...”</p><p> “Just doing my job.” She smiled, “But since I see you’re getting worked up let’s change the subject. You mentioned Clarke, are you two friends again?”</p><p>“We’re dating.”</p><p>“Oh well that’s great, that is what you wanted right?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“So, tell me how has it been.”</p><p>“Good, great we’re great. I love her she loves me, and all is right in the world.”</p><p>“I’m hearing a but.”</p><p>Once again Lexa rolled her eyes causing the older woman to smile, it was annoying how good the woman was at her job but what she said was the truth. Her and Clarke were great but in the past week since the girls falling out with Abby things had been……. Weird.</p><p>At first it was nothing out of the ordinary, having Clarke living with her wasn’t really much of a change since the girl was there almost all the time so Lexa had no worries about it. But after a few days things were getting weird and it all started when Lexa came home late from a photography class and Clarke freaked out about it. Apparently, her being late and not answering her phone equated to her skipping town again- which she would never do but she could see it really scared Clarke.</p><p>She understood but at the same time she didn’t, she hadn’t given the blonde any reason to believe she would leave but she also knew she hadn’t the first time around.</p><p>Either way she knew her girlfriend was struggling with the drama with her mom and Lexa knew firsthand just how horrible Abby was so she could only imagine what she said to Clarke that led to her being kicked out.</p><p>In saying that she still didn’t appreciate the ‘where are you’ texts and the freak-out’s if she got home later than previously said. It was almost like she had a wife but like the clingy type which Clarke had never been in the ten plus years they’ve known each other. If anything, Lexa was the clingy one but now things were reversed, and Lexa had no clue what to do about it.</p><p>“She lives with us now, which my mom couldn’t be more thrilled about.”</p><p>“But you’re not?”</p><p>“I love Clarke and I don’t mind that she lives with me, she’s going through a hard time and I want to be there for her the way she’s always been there for me but a part of me is scared I’m not doing very well because everything I do lately has just not been the right thing.”</p><p>“When it comes to supporting someone, we love there really is no specific right thing, sometimes showing up and voicing your support is just what a person needs. I think talking to Clarke about your concerns would be the first good step and then you go from there.”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess.”<br/>“I know our session is only an hour today, but there is one last thing I needed to talk to you about, your sponsor.”</p><p>I thought I didn’t have to do that.”</p><p>“No, I told you we could wait a month or two, but you can’t push it off anymore. Plus, I think it could be good for you to have someone who can relate to you.”</p><p>“And if I don’t want a sponsor?” Lexa asked, the last thing she needed was yet another person worrying about if she was going to drink.</p><p>“Lucky you it’s sort of part of the deal here, you get to live outside of the center while still attending sessions with me and having a sponsor who will keep you on track. If you don’t like it your old room here is still available.”</p><p>“I used to like you, ya know.” The girl mumbled and the Becca just laughed.</p><p>“Just meet her, if you really hate it, we’ll take it from there.”</p><p>“You say that like I have a choice.”</p><p>“Lexa.”</p><p>“Fine, when?” She huffed.</p><p>“How about in an hour at your choice of place.” Becca smiled handing the girl a card with a number and a name scribbled on it. “She’s expecting to hear from you and lucky you our session just ended early and you’re free!”</p><p>Lexa rolled her eyes staring down the small paper card she was handed. ‘Elira Montgomery was the name and Lexa couldn’t help but think it was a pretty cool name….</p><p>“What if I hate her?” Lexa asks looking back to the woman,</p><p>“I think you’ll find that you and Elira may have more in common than you think.”</p><p>“Let me guess, ex party girl turned saint.”</p><p>“Call her and find out.”</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>Twenty minutes later Lexa found herself sitting in some small café off of Westin waiting for this so-called sponsor. When she texted, she was hoping by some grace of god the woman would be unavailable but of course she lived in the area and was free to meet so here she was.</p><p>She had absolutely no clue what to expect from this or if the girl would end up being some middle-aged cat hoarder that she couldn’t possibly relate to or hold a conversation with. The whole situation was an unknown and that in itself made Lexa uncomfortable, but she signed papers saying she would fulfill the full extent of her treatment- this being one of things she had to do.</p><p>
  <em>What’s the worst that could happen?</em>
</p><p>“You lexa?” A voice asked and Lexa turned to see a taller woman with gorgeous dark skin and brown eyes that spiked due to the black eyeliner around it. The most notable thing about the girl for Lexa was probably her dark purple hair cut perfectly in a cute bob that framed her face.</p><p>“Elira?” Lexa finally asked after the initial shock wore off, this wasn’t a sad middle-aged woman at all if anything she couldn’t have been more than a few years older than Lexa herself.</p><p>“In the flesh.” The girl smiled sitting her bag down, “Want a drink?”</p><p>“Is that a joke?”</p><p>“Uhm well since we’re in a coffee shop, no.”</p><p>“Right.” Lexa murmured, “I’m good.”</p><p>“Cool I’ll be right back.” The girl said before walking off to the counter.</p><p>Lexa watched patiently as the girl exchanged words with the barista, even laughing at something she said.</p><p>
  <em>What the hell could they be talking about? What the hell were are we going to talk about when she comes back over? </em>
</p><p>“Alright, coffee is secured so let’s get right to it.” Elira declared sitting back at the table nearly starling Lexa who had been to engrossed in her own thoughts to notice the girls reappearance.</p><p>“What exactly is <em>it</em>?” The brunette asks, “I’m new to this whole sponsor thing.”</p><p>“Me too, well I’m new to being on this side of it but Becca is convinced I was the best choice for you and vice versa so here we are?”</p><p>“How do you know Becca; did you go to the center?”</p><p>“God no I could never afford that snobby rehab shit, we met through my grandma actually. When I started living with her and started well, drinking breakfast through dinner at 16 Becca helped me. I’m not going to lie at first, I hated her more than life but the moment I truly hit bottom she helped me the most. So, when she called me, I figured this is the least I could do after everything she’s done for me. And I have to admit your story intrigued me.”</p><p>“I have a story?” Lexa quirked her brow, looking at the girl expectantly.</p><p>“Doesn’t everyone.” The girl smirked, taking a sip of her chai tea. “I don’t know everything, but Becca gave me a gist of who Lexa Fox is.”</p><p>“And I intrigued you, why?”</p><p>“Because I was you.” Elira said simply, “I was the lost teen drinking her problems into the ground just so she didn’t have to deal with everything inside. Being the person in your family who can’t be normal no matter how hard you try.”</p><p>“What- what do you mean?”</p><p>“Becca told me you were intersex; I’m assuming it’s why she thought we’d be a good match.”</p><p>“You, you’re?”</p><p>Elira nodded taking another sip of her drink before reaching into her purse and pulling out an ID card.</p><p>Lexa looked at it confusedly before reaching ‘Elias Montgomery’ in the name place.</p><p>“I changed it legally when I turned 19.” Elira added, “For some reason I just haven’t worked up the nerve to get a knew license card.”</p><p>“Mine still says Alexena so I get it.” Lexa smiled slightly handing her back the card,</p><p>“That’s the name your parents gave you?”</p><p>“Technically they named me Alexander but when I was three or four, they found out I was intersex. I have a twin and I was always more feminine than anything and that’s what I identified with and my mom being the problem solver of the year thought Alexena would be the perfect new name for me.”</p><p>“But you hated it?”</p><p>“With passion.” Lexa laughed, “Every time someone would call me it, I felt like I would physically jump out of my own skin.”</p><p>“I feel that, I’m guessing your twin is not intersex like you.”</p><p>“No, he’s not he got lucky I guess.”</p><p>“I used to think that about my older sister but then I realized there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, there’s something wrong with the people who have a problem with it.”</p><p>“Can I ask why you started drinking?” Lexa said getting a nod from the girl,</p><p>“I didn’t find out I was intersex until I was about 11 and my parents didn’t really have the best time dealing with it. They accepted that I wanted to be who I always felt I was but what they didn’t accept was my choice not to get corrective surgery. Luckily, the doctors wouldn’t let them do it when I was underage, and it could only be done one I turned 18 but I told them I didn’t want that and that’s when things went downhill. To make an incredibly long story short they kicked me out at 15 and from then on, I lived with my grandma. She’s the one person in my family who has accepted me for me without fail and as grateful as I was for that I still was far from ok. My parents hated me, my own sister barely talked to me since she was too busy living her own life and I felt disgusting in my own skin. Then I met this guy.” Elira said, a small smile on her face that disappeared almost as quick as it emerged. “He was the bad boy, total fucking asshole but I loved it and for some reason he showed interest in me. His name was Ryder, his name alone should’ve warned me of the shitshow I was getting into, but it didn’t. From then on, my life became a complete train wreck, I was drinking more than I was eating and consuming more drugs then my body knew what to do with, but I was with Ryder and he made me feel normal and that’s all that mattered. But obviously Ryder wasn’t everything my head convinced me he was so shit got horrible in a split second. Soon partying with his friends turned to sex with his friends and I was his party trick. Look guys my girlfriend who looks like a chick has a dick and she’s willing to share, really, I wasn’t but losing him seemed worse, so I did what he asked me too and I hated myself for It every time it happened. Eventually after months of living that way I ended up overdosing on some mixture of Ketamine and Heroin that Ryder gave me, and I ended up in the hospital. I wish I could say that was the kick in my ass that made me get my shit together, but it wasn’t. I was more than prepared to go back to doing everything I was doing but when I got out of the hospital Ryder was no where to be found. I looked and called everything, but he left, without so much as a goodbye and that’s when I realized just how much I meant to him. My grandma, bless her heart had no clue how to help me after that but our neighbor at the time gave her some advice and turned out to be my saving grace.”</p><p>“Wow.” Lexa mumbled taking in everything the girl had said, “Did you ever see him again?”</p><p>“Unfortunately.” The girl scoffed, “Six months into my sobriety he showed up with some shitty excuse about missing me and I was better off without him. He was right about one thing, that night I did relapse though. After that long I had a drink, but I haven’t since so I guess that’s something.”</p><p>“I’d say it’s more than something.” Lexa smiled, “So how is your life now?”</p><p>“My life now is amazing.” Elira beamed, “I’m 21 finally living to be my truest self, I’m married to an amazing guy and I love everything in my life currently which is a far cry from my teenage self.”</p><p>“You’re married, aren’t you a little young?”</p><p>“When you know, you know right?” she shrugged,</p><p>“Yeah.” Lexa nodded, there was no doubt in her mind Clarke would be her wife, so she did know.</p><p>“Alright you know my story now tell me yours.”</p><p>“I thought Becca told you my life story.”</p><p>“She told me you were intersex and in recovery from a drug incident a few months back, that was enough to intrigue me. For obvious reasons it reminded me of myself but I also have never met anyone else that was intersex so I figured if I could help anyone it would be you.”</p><p>“I don’t even know where I would start.”</p><p>“Tell me about you, your life, your family, why you started drinking or whatever you’re comfortable with sharing.”</p><p>“You sure you have that long?”</p><p>“We could sit here all night if you wanted, although I think the owners would hate us.” The girl smiled,</p><p>“Ok.” Lexa sigh sitting back in her chair, she had no idea what she was going to say but once her mouth opened words came out and she just let it flow and told Elira everything.</p><p>First, she started with her family and how complicated and messy it had been over the years. She told the girl all about how she grew up with nannies and her aunt and uncle but mainly Lincoln while her parents were off avoiding their issues. Then she got into how she started drinking and why and for the first time she felt open and comfortable telling someone about this stuff.</p><p>She knew Elira wasn’t judging her, just listening and that made her want to say more and more until finally it was dark out and she couldn’t talk anymore.</p><p>“And that is the story of Lexa Fox.”</p><p>“Wow, lifetime should give you a call.”</p><p>“Please if anyone’s making a movie out of my life it’s not going to be some low budget made for tv crap.”</p><p>“and she’s cocky, I love it.” Elira laughed, “On a serious note it seems you have some major recovery to get through with your brother.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Lexa sighed, “But what we can’t get past everything that’s happened?”</p><p>“You both seem like you want to so that’s a start, but you can only do that when you both understand why you’re upset.”</p><p>“Maybe you should be my therapist instead.”</p><p>“God no, but I am here when you need me it’s sort of the point. If you ever need to talk it doesn’t matter when you can always call or text me, ok?”</p><p>“Ok.” Lexa nodded,</p><p>“Shit, I have to go my husbands dragging me out to dinner not that I’m complaining.” She smirked standing from the table, “It was really good to meet you Lexa.”</p><p>“You too.”</p><p>“I’ll text you when we should meet next.”</p><p>“Sounds good.” Lexa smiled, waving the girl off before leaving the small coffee shop and heading towards her own house.</p><p>She pulled her phone out of her bag seeing it was already 7 o’clock and that she had ten missed calls and 5 missed texts from Clarke alone.</p><p>“Shit.” She mumbled pulling up the texting seeing her ‘I’m going to be home late.’ Text didn’t send.</p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS:</em></strong> Hey, want to order food after therapy? <em>5:03pm</em></p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS:</em></strong> Never mind, Willa says you have a family dinner tonight so be prepared for that. <em>5:30pm</em></p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS</em></strong>: Lex therapy ended an hour ago is everything ok? <em>6:10pm</em></p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS</em></strong>: Is an I’m safe text too much to manage? <em>6:30pm</em></p><p><strong><em>PRINCESS:</em></strong> I’m staying with O tonight. <em>7:04pm</em></p><p>“Fuck.” Lexa groaned, clicking the blondes name, and pressing call but It went straight to voicemail.</p><p>Quickly she walked up the Manhattan streets hoping Clarke would still be there when she arrived. This wasn’t the first time Clarke had gotten upset with her not answer this week and Lexa always tried to soothe her, but it felt like Clarke was accusing her of doing something wrong every time she didn’t answer.</p><p>When she arrived home, she ran to her room seeing the blonde packing a bag and not even turning to see her.</p><p>“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t reply Becca made me meet a sponsor and that’s where I been. I sent a text, but it didn’t go through, but I tried to call a few minutes ago.”</p><p>“I saw.” Clarke mumbled throwing some shorts and shirts into her bag.</p><p>“Where are you going?”</p><p>“I told you to Octavia’s.”</p><p>“For the night, why do you need so much stuff.” She asked but the blonde ignored her, “Clarke.”</p><p>“We’re going up to her house in the Hamptons for a couple of days since it’s spring break.” Clarke finally said and Lexa had no clue what was going on.</p><p>“Ok, and you just weren’t going to tell me or something?”</p><p>“You were late.”</p><p>“It wasn’t my fault, Becca-.”</p><p>“I know.” Clarke interrupted finally turning to face the brunette who immediately noticed how tired the blonde looked. Had she looked this tried earlier? “It was a last-minute thing, it’s just me an O.”</p><p>The last week had been weird and Lexa thought it was because Clarke was being clingy but looking at her now with bags and dark eyes, she could see there was something else going on.</p><p>Everything with them had been good, great even btu after everything with Abby she could see Clarke shutting down a little- why didn’t she say anything before?</p><p>Clarke had refused to discuss Abby or anything to do with her and Lexa respected that but maybe she shouldn’t have. Maybe she should’ve pushed because now she was standing in front of her girlfriend who was so clearly not ok.</p><p>“Baby-.”</p><p>I wasn’t going to leave until you got here.” Clarke interrupted, “I wouldn’t just leave without a word.”</p><p>
  <em>Ouch… </em>
</p><p>“Shit, I didn’t-.”</p><p>“I know Clarke.” Lexa smiled, grabbing the blonde’s hand pulling her closer. “Please talk to me, something wrong and if I did something then tell me please.”</p><p>“You didn’t- you haven’t.” Clarke assured, leaning her head on the brunette. “I know I’ve been a little… off this week and I think I really just need to have some time away from the city. To think about things and process everything with my mom and life…”</p><p>“I get it.” Lexa nodded, “But we’re, ok?”</p><p>“Of course, baby, we’re always ok I promise.”</p><p>“When do you leave?”</p><p>“Now.” Clarke whispered, placing soft kiss on the girls cheek. “Octavia’s saying bye to Lincoln then we’re heading up. It’s a friend weekend, we’re going to do facemasks and watch shitty movies and tan on the beach.”</p><p>“I think that will be good.”</p><p>“I hope.”</p><p>“Clarkey!” Octavia chimed walking in the room before stopping, “Sorry, I’ll wait at the elevator.”</p><p>“You said you had a sponsor-.”</p><p>“We can talk about it when you get back.” Lexa shushed, giving her a soft kiss,</p><p>“Lex-.”</p><p>“It’s ok, come on.” She stood pulling the blonde up with her, “Just enjoy your time away with O, ok?”</p><p>Clarke nodded pulling the brunette in for a hug, squeezing her tighter than every second that seemed to pass.</p><p>“I love you, princess.”</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>Hand in hand the pair walked to the elevator where Octavia was waiting as well as Lincoln, but Lexa was hardly paying attention. All she could focus on was Clarke and how her girlfriend was leaving suddenly, and she didn’t know how to feel about it, but she could also see maybe this was something Clarke needed.</p><p>“When we get there, I’m going to call you.” Clarke said before giving her one last kiss.</p><p>“And I’ll be waiting.”</p><p>“Aww.” Octavia cooed pulling the blonde in the elevator, “Stop being so cute guys.”</p><p>“Not possible.” Lexa shrugged, watching the elevator close and the girls disappear.</p><p>Waking up this morning Lexa did not see her night ending this way but somehow it did and now all she could do was wait.</p><p>Wait for Clarke to call her and wait for the girls return, maybe this could be good for both of them. It wasn’t like Lexa didn’t have a slue of personal issues to comb through or anything.</p><p>Once she was back in her room she changed out of her jeans and into sweatpants and a hoodie. Apparently, she was having dinner with her family tonight but that was nothing worth dressing nice for- not in her mind at least.</p><p>“Lexa dinner!” she heard Willa yell, so she prepared herself for whatever this dinner was happening for because there was no way it was just for fun. Either something happened or their parents had something to announce.</p><hr/><p>After making her way to the dining room she sat at her usual seat which was annoyingly across from Lincoln who was staring at her like he wanted to say something.</p><p>“Lexa, your outfit is….. something.” Willa mumbled, swallowing the apparent lump it look to utter the words.</p><p>“Comfort over cute.” She shrugged,</p><p>“If you say so hun.”</p><p>“Are we waiting for Anya?” Lincoln asked,</p><p>“Her and Raven are still in LA at Indra and Nyko’s.” Gustus reminded and Lincoln nodded before muttering,</p><p>“Forgot.”</p><p>“Can you just tell us what this dinner is about so I can go eat in my room?” Lexa asked as she piled spaghetti onto her plate,</p><p>“What makes you think we have an announcement?” Gustus asked,</p><p>“Because you two gave up on having family dinners every week a while ago and now you only call once when there is something to be discussed.”</p><p>“Well Lexa, firstly I’d like to say that family dinners will be a thing from now on.” Gustus smiled, “We want to start doing more together as a family.”</p><p>“And that is why me and your father have decided to start marriage counseling.” Willa added, a smile on her face but neither of her kids replied. “Say something.”</p><p>“You already do that.” Lincoln said,</p><p>“Is your marriage so bad you need to see two different one’s?” Lexa asked and Willa gave her a small kick under the table and a look.</p><p>“The counselling we were attending was more for parenting and so much about our being together. But after some thought we decided we wanted to start trying and maybe get our marriage on track too.”</p><p>“We want to be a family, a proper one but in the end if counselling does not go the way we planned we want both of you to know that we want both of you to know that our main priority will always be you two.” Gustus smiled and Lexa focused on her pasta.</p><p>It’s not that she didn’t care but it also wasn’t as if her parents didn’t still act like a married couple so even with this announcement nothing would be changing.</p><p>“That all?” Lexa asked, reaching for some garlic bread.</p><p>“Yes, Lexa that is all.”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>The rest of the dinner was silent beside the small conversations about how Lincoln got into college in California which shocked Lexa beyond belief because she didn’t even know he applied out of state.</p><p>Once dinner was done Lexa hastily made her way to her room where she took haven under her soft warm covers that suddenly felt empty when the realization set in that Clarke wouldn’t be joining her in them tonight.</p><p>“Lex?” a muffled voice said before a few knocks sounded on her door. “Can I come in?”</p><p><em>God dammit…..</em> she groaned getting out of bed to reveal her brother- the one she hadn’t talked to in a week.</p><p>“I’m tired Lincoln.” She said simply before turning around and going back to her bed,</p><p>“I just- we can’t- I can’t do this anymore Lexa, we have to talk.” He sighed sitting down on the bed next to her.</p><p>“California huh?” she said sheepishly playing with the loose fuzz on her socks. Her and Lincoln may not have been on good terms the past week- hell month but applications were due months ago and he never mentioned leaving the state.</p><p>“Turns out I actually like it there.” He smiled, “Indra and Nyko are going to look at the dorms with me in a couple of months. O even applied to and got into a Law program, so we’ll be together.”</p><p>“Sounds like you have it all planned out then.”</p><p>“You were the first person I wanted to tell when the letter arrived the other day.” He admitted, “But I couldn’t, and it’s hurts not being able to talk to the one person who has literally been in my life since birth.”</p><p>“It hurts me too, Lincoln.”</p><p>“Then how do we fix it, really fix it?”</p><p>“I know I’ve hurt you Lincoln, but I don’t think you realize that you hurt me too.”</p><p>“I know Lex and I- I’m sorry.”</p><p>“The day I heard your call with Indra all those years ago, it confirmed what I had already suspected, you didn’t see me as your sister. You saw me as a problem, one that kept our parents away and I tried so hard to do anything I could to prove to you that I am your sister. That I’m a girl and I can be normal, but I can’t, I’ll never be normal, and you have no fucking clue what it’s like to live with that. I know how much you love me Lincoln, and I love you so much. Like you said from the beginning it’s just been you and me, but you can’t look at me and tell me a part of you never despised me for being the way I am and the things I’ve done that have effected your life in bad ways. You can’t look at me and tell me it’s all water under the bridge because it’s not.”</p><p>Lincoln was silent but his face said it all, even if he couldn’t admit it yet a part of him even if in the past did feel that way. Silent tears rolled down the boy’s face as he looked down at his own hands.</p><p>“But I also know there are things I need to admit too in order for us to really move on, a part of that being Madi. I can’t explain to you how I feel about Madi or dad for reasons I’m not ready to admit, so until both of us are ready to have that conversation I don’t think there is anything for us to talk about.”</p><p>Hesitantly Lincoln nodded still staring down at his lap, Lexa could see he was looking for something- anything to say.</p><p>“We can talk about it another time, I’m tired.” Lexa finally said giving both of them and out and Lincoln just nodded before making his way to the door. “Hey Lincoln?” she called, and the boy turned, “I’m really proud of you for getting into school.”</p><p>“I’m proud of you too Lexa, for everything.” He said before leaving the room completely and leaving Lexa to her thoughts but not for too long.</p><hr/><p>A few minutes later…</p><p>“I made tea and brought tons of warm comfy blankets!” Willa smiled coming into the brunette’s room to her dismay.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Lexa groaned pulling the cover over her head as her mom sat the stuff down.</p><p>“We’re having a sleep over, I brought tea and we’ll watch a movie.” The older woman smiled ripping the cover from her daughters head.</p><p>“Don’t you want to sleep with your husband?” Lexa quipped pulling the cover back.</p><p>“He snores.” Willa smiled climbing on top of the mattress, “Scoot.”</p><p>“Mom, I’m really not in the mood.”</p><p>“We haven’t hung out just us two in a while, I miss you.”</p><p>“You see me every day.”</p><p>“You know what I mean Lexa.” She rolled her eyes, “Plus Clarke’s stealing you away from me.”</p><p>“Don’t act like you don’t love it.”</p><p>“I so do.” Willa smiled, “But doesn’t mean I don’t miss our time together, so please can I stay?”</p><p>“Ugh.” Lexa groaned before scooting over as instructed, “Fine, I’m picking the movie though.”</p><p>“Deal.” Willa squealed handing the girl her tea before snuggling into the covers,</p><hr/><p>An hour in Lexa was settled in her moms arms as The Runaways played on the huge screen in front of them and as Cherie Curie begins crawling around in the grass posing provocatively for the camera Lexa felt tears streaming down her face. At first, she told herself it was due to the oversexualization of females in the music industry but even Cherie Curie herself would say that was bullshit and Lexa knew it.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Willa whispered, taking the soft sleeve of her silk pajamas, and wiping her daughters face with it.</p><p>“Not right now.” Lexa shook her head and Willa pulled her closer, “It’s just so shitty how they treat females in this stupid world.” She added going back to the movie, hoping her mom would buy that's what had her so upset. Even though she knew fully it didn't. “Fuck the patriarchy.”</p><p>“I couldn’t agree with you more angel.”</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="http://lexkru.tumblr.com/">My Tumblr </a>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We'll see more of Clarke's perspective and how she's feeling soon! Hope you enjoyed i know it was kind of everywhere but i tried to make it conclusive! </p><p>I'm thinking this story will go to 25-27 chapters then maybe an epilogue? I don't know i have the tendency to drag stories out because i'm too sad to end them:( but i do have the last chapter of this planned and it's something:)</p>
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